Dear Moon:
What you want, it seems to me, is possible via a process that you already started, a PROJECT if you will. You wrote that you manage a few at the same time at work. What if the one and superior project of all is that which you define for yourself- specify the best you can what it is that you want, the aim, goal of your very personal project. Not a goal that society sets, a should-be goal, a real one, one that is authentic for you. That would be the project way above all others and all other projects are inferior to it, there to serve the superior project. Everything you do is to get you closer to the aim of the major, superior, highest project. Perhaps peace of mind, a state of mind that you will define, that you already felt at times and want more of, a state of mind that is possible (a constant ecstasy as a goal would be impossible). What do you think?

anita

Hi Moongal,

Material success can’t make you happy.

To understand this, you have to realize what makes you unhappy. So, what makes you suffer? It might seem like it’s your circumstances, but it’s not. You can test this by asking yourself, could somebody else be happy in the same circumstances? Am I always unhappy in these circumstances, or only some of the time? When I’m not thinking thoughts that make me unhappy, am I suffering?

Of course, through this kind of questioning you’ll come to realize yourself that the thing that creates your suffering is thinking, that is believed in the moment.

What kind of thinking? Well, judgements (about yourself and your circumstances), beliefs about how things “should be”, etc.

Now, think about it. Can a really good job with a lot of money eliminate the thoughts in your mind that make you unhappy – judgements about yourself and your circumstances, beliefs about how things should be, negative beliefs about your abilities etc?

Of course not.

The thing is, what will really, truly bring you happiness and lasting peace, is to realize that the only thing that can make you unhappy is thinking.

Just let that soak in.

You don’t have to believe me, just question it for yourself. How do you feel when you tell yourself certain thoughts? Are the thoughts true just because you feel that they’re true? (No – you can prove this in a thought experiment such as, If you believed your partner cheated on you, you would tell yourself thoughts that make you feel bad, regardless of the reality. It could be they never cheated on you, but because you tell yourself the thoughts that they did and that’s bad, you feel bad. The point here is, the reality is irrelevant – your thinking creates your unhappiness. The real circumstances don’t actually change your feelings at all! You see?)

Now, let’s have a look at some of the thoughts in your post.

“sometimes i feel so doubtful of my abilities, my smartness and everything bout me in general”

How do you feel when you tell yourself this thought?

Are these thoughts serving you or not?

Of course they’re not going to disappear overnight. But the thing is, if you make some deep philosophical shifts, the thoughts will let go of you naturally. Think about it – are you smart? Now, here’s the thing. Say you got a certain result on a test. Does that prove you’re smart? How would you know what ‘smart’ even is? How do you quantify it? Is it possible some people think you’re not smart? Is it possible some people think you are smart? Do you think you’re smart in some moments, and not in others? Where is smart? Can you show me where it is? You can show me your nose, your eyes, your arms. Where is smart?

“Smart” is just a thought. In reality you are not smart. But that doesn’t mean you’re stupid. Stupid is just a thought. In reality there is no stupid. In reality none of these judgements about yourself exist, they only exist in your mind and in the minds of other people’s. So the bad news is, you’re not cool, you’re not clever, you’re not funny, you’re not friendly, you CAN’T be any of these things objectively and scientifically and in terms of ‘reality as it is’. But guess what? Nor are you stupid. You’re not bad, you’re not worthless, you’re not a failure, you’re not dumb, you’re not any of these things either. Because those too are just judgements of reality you create in your mind. THOUGHTS. Those self-judgements are really flimsy, which is why you struggle to maintain them. That’s why you try so hard to keep up a certain self-image – because you’re aware that the judgements aren’t actually true in reality, whatever they are. Otherwise they wouldn’t require so much maintenance.

This may all seem a bit bleak, but please, it’s liberating. Because with that understanding comes the freedom of knowing that you are just as you are. In that sense, you’re perfect. In this moment, there is nothing wrong with you. You lack nothing. How could you? Those beliefs are just THOUGHTS. And thoughts aren’t the same thing as reality. “Nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so” – Shakespeare.

Now, in your post you’re doing the natural thing and trying to find fulfillment and happiness out there. Society tells you, get a great job and you’ll be happy. An amazing house. A great relationship…

But wait. Pause. Are all the people with those things really happy? No! Some of them are depressed. Some of them just want more.

Getting stuff doesn’t make you happy. Appreciating what you have does, because it involves acceptance of what is now.

Now I’m NOT saying, just abandon personal ambition and so on. Go out and keep striving, go for a great job. Why? Because you would prefer to have money, relationship, job, whatever. But to be happy, make those strivings something you do because you would prefer those things, NOT to seek happiness.

Happiness is here. Now. Every time you’re not depressing yourself with your thoughts, you’re happy. Now, you might tell me, but hold on. Even when I’m not thinking, I sometimes feel bad.

Wait. You feel bad? That’s a thought. Who said, for example, a fluttering in the stomach is “bad”? Who said a racing heart is “bad”? Who said a dull ache in your chest is “bad”? Thoughts say that!

In reality those sensations are just sensations. Just feel them. They are as they are. To say they’re “bad” is to label them – and THAT’S what makes you unhappy!

Now sometimes you’ll feel things you don’t regard as pleasant, but just feel them. Let them be. They’re OK. Explore the sensations physically without resorting to labelling and judging them. Notice what thoughts come up, but don’t get sucked into the thinking. Remember, the thoughts are not reality, they’re just stories your mind is telling you. And if you’re listening to the thoughts, how can you be them?

Think about it. If you are listening to the thoughts, then you’re not the thoughts. You’re the listener. The observer. You observe all of that, you aren’t “it”.

Then you’re free. Then peace, happiness, contentment.

Don’t expect this to be an overnight change. For many this is a lifetime of developmental work. But I hope I’ve helped to show you some things and to possibly give you a direction of where you might be headed.

…of course, the real fulfillment comes from knowing you don’t need to go anywhere at all.

You’re fine here, now. You are whole. You are complete.

Be here now. Have fun. Enjoy the game. Because that’s what life is. A wonderful, elaborate game.

Peace out!

Hi Moongal,

It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed. So first, do something to calm yourself. Try breathing exercises, yoga, meditation, prayer–whatever works for you.

Then, look at these thoughts you are having. Look at the doubts you are having about yourself, and ask “Why do I think this?” After you answer that question, ask it again! Your mind is assuming something about you, that is leading to all of those doubts. It is looking for “evidence” to prove its assumption true. So see if you can figure out what those assumptions are, then ask yourself why they should be true.

Once you’ve looked at the assumptions, consider other possibilities. How can you redefine them?

Taking a good look at your self-talk can really provide a lot of insight.

Bethany
http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.org

Lol, wow anonymous, a spam post about a spell caster on a non-pagan site, I’m impressed. Not to be laughed off this forum, but I’m Wiccan, don’t listen to someone claiming a spell caster can fix your life, they’re scamming you [obvious to non-believers I get it, but I’m in a few pagan communities online so I’m obliged to point this out] also, you don’t need a spell for your current situation, just some introspection.

Anyway, Moon I can relate to how you feel, you’re trying to find your place in the world [as am I] and all these other people seem so happy and confident and everything without trying. Think is that’s our perception, not fact. People could be looking at you and thinking the same thing [crazy, but it’s possible] I sadly can’t help you too much, but I feel journaling and asking/answering questions [who am I? What do I like? What is my ideal self like?] Has helped me figure stuff out.

Also, it’s not a bad thing to want a high paying job with a big house and whatnot, it’s when you define your happiness by your stuff there’s problems. If you dream of one day owning a sports car, that’s fine, telling yourself you can’t be happy or successful without it is problematic.

Sorry if I’m not as helpful as everyone else, I’m in the same boat as you [or the very next boat lol] good luck figuring everything out.

I just wish i believed that i wont be this nerdy nervous girl forever.

It is probably something I don’t like about myself too. But it might be what makes us special, unique and loveable too.