Hey Anita.

I’m still ‘feathering my nest’ – meaning I am still figuring this out. I don’t mind which you call me. Thanks for asking.

I’m ready and willing to go deep this time, as much as my temperament has made me averse to such things. It’s taking its toll in my normal life as I am distinctly lacking in focus at the moment. Taking care of myself otherwise, while I process. I’ve got a handle on this.

There is a big discussion to be had about this;

“I agree with you regarding the term emotionally unavailable and many other terms used frequently, these terms force people into rigid categories that do not exist except on paper, mask the basics and blur the view of what is really going on.”

Although its not specific to me – once I get my head around some other things first – I would like to start a thread for a more general discussion on this topic, I’d be interested to hear what others have to say on the topic. (Just for curiosity/philosophical sake.)

As for me, myself. My thoughts are;-

1- it is possible that some of these men I dated did indeed love me, I just could not see it. (Bias confirmation.)

2- this deep anger and fear is probably what is keeping me isolated. a subtle soft and subversive anger that unwittingly keeps people at bay. several ex-boyfriends have told me I am an angry person. it must bleed out of my pores without my noticing – ernstwhile I’m stuck in a tornado of thoughts and feelings, trying to ‘save the relationship’, feeling deeply rejected, wanting to communicate but unwittingly shutting it down with my own hostility: passive aggressive or otherwise.

2.1 – i probably don’t even notice when I behave in angry and inhospitable ways because I am so caught up in my own tornado. (one to unpick with the therapist, I think.)

3- I know I ‘reject before I get rejected’ (this follows  from 2 & 3.) and this is either outright anger, or outright dismissive behavior. lashing out, if you will. im probably very sensitive to perceived rejection and cope with it by getting angry or getting distant.

4- I think a lot of the pop-psychology god-awfulness fuels the fire of those above issues in a very underhand manner. ive had this gut feeling for a long time that they do this, although  I struggle to fully put my finger on the how and the why. annoyingly because ive had a lack of faith (or lacked the structure) to disassemble this part of myself for so long, googling whatever is stressing me out and ‘reading around’ the topic has become this mad obsession when im in the tornado. it only makes things worse I know, but it is this mad and embarrassing habit that I struggle to break.

5- I’ve never been ABLE to talk about it with people I date about my issues, because I’ve never been able to get my head around it. Things are becoming clearer now.

Another reason, now I think of it, as to why I fell for this guy: he’s a singing teacher and I always thought I couldn’t sing. He taught me somewhat, and helped me ‘find my voice’ so I could make myself heard. It was liberating and made me so happy. I’ve almost lost my speaking voice since we argued. 🙁 Its weird.

From the perspective of people I date; I probably come off as non-committal, invested in a half-hearted sort of way, someone who occasionally does very sweet and thoughtful things, but has this prickly quality. For men I do feel a connection with- I imagine its  confusing when I suddenly get attached and, instead of being open about that, I start acting in ways that are not appropriate for the circumstances – getting overly upset, overly critical or overly angry. Since I don’t get the ‘response’ I want I feel rejected again and it feeds the cycle.

Those are my thoughts.

Thank you for sitting though this with me, Anita.

XX

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Feathering my nest.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Feathering my nest.

“In that center, you saw in him the troubled soul you are, you realized that you “judged him too harshly”, and got a glimpse into the concept of not judging yourself harshly anymore, saw that as possible. You saw in him “a decent guy at heart”, just as you are a decent girl/ woman at heart.

There in the center, you got overwhelmed with the hurt and anger of long ago, the hurt and anger that kept you on the outskirts, the reason you remained on the outskirts. And there, in the center, there had to be trouble even if he was a perfectly emotionally healthy man (and if there was such a thing).

There in the center, you suddenly want to be more than someone who is “only good for casual relationships”. There, you care a whole lot about not being rejected or shunned. You got angry, argued. I imagine that the “friendship wasn’t very friendly” indeed, too much anger on your part.”

Why does this anger manifest as anxiety? Why do I repress this and turn it inwards?

When I am in that moment, I am convinced the anxiety stems from the fact that I am picking up on the ‘fact’ that I am more invested in the relationship then they are – which for me is always a sign to get out. I’ve been aware of this for some time and tried to approach it rationally, yet the results are always the same.

My thought/feelings generally write me off as being damaged in some way. “People don’t fall in love because you do nice things, or cook or do X Y Z…you can do all the nice things but it won’t make them love you.” its down to some mysterious force that otherwise eludes me.

I then consistently feel unloved and unappreciated. And as soon as those feelings kick in it triggers a cycle of thoughts, feelings and behaviors that are extremely difficult to stop. I don’t feel I can even talk to whomever I’m dating about what is going on because I’m worried it will scare them off. (Because I will reveal my both ’emotional unavailability’ and simultaneously my neediness and insecurity- and who wants to date someone like that?)

The go-to pop psychology says that I am picking people who are ’emotionally unavailable’ and incapable of giving me what I want or need. However, deep down they need the same things too. I have my issues with the term ’emotionally unavailable’:  to pathologise it only ostracizes the individual further. (Certainly, in my case, I find the term demeaning.) Makes it sound done-for and like that person is a hopeless case. Indeed these self-proclaimed gurus of self-help often seem to give with one hand while taking with the other. (Their industry thrives upon the troubles of others.)

I am not convinced I would be able to relate to someone who did not have a similar ‘lone wolf’ mentality to some degree. Nor they to I. My space is important to me. It seems that the thing that keeps us apart is also that which binds us in the first place.

Plus I don’t understand how I can face my fears of getting close to people, without getting close to people and challenging those fears head-on. So basically: I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

Heya Anita,

I had a lot of complicated emotional responses to this and wanted to respond instead of reacting, as we are crossing sensitive territory here. Roughly it was a combination of laughing and a deep stinging.

Last night I was laughing about this, the ridiculousness of it all. I’ve got issues, he’s got issues. Of course it was going to be a mess. A dry sense of humour is one of my coping mechanisms. I’m still sad it didn’t work out and there is still a part of me that wonders if things would be different once I deal with my issues. (That could be a friendship, for example.) However at the moment he’s too much of a trigger and I need to keep away. Despite that there is a gratitude towards him, for he brought my issues to the surface, for me to see clearly.

My best friend was wonderful and said “If people with issues didn’t have relationships, there wouldn’t be relationships.” She had my back but since I’ve never discussed deeply with her, I am not sure she fully sees that anxious, angry side that comes out when I experience an intimate relationship.

With this man, the topic of your thread, you unintentionally experienced that unwanted integration. You unexpectedly found yourself not on the outskirts but in the center of the two- persons group.

In that center, you saw in him the troubled soul you are, you realized that you “judged him too harshly”, and got a glimpse into the concept of not judging yourself harshly anymore, saw that as possible. You saw in him “a decent guy at heart”, just as you are a decent girl/ woman at heart.

That is one positive to draw from this situation- that this sense of integration is possible and this sense of judging myself is lifting.

There in the center, you got overwhelmed with the hurt and anger of long ago, the hurt and anger that kept you on the outskirts, the reason you remained on the outskirts. And there, in the center, there had to be trouble even if he was a perfectly emotionally healthy man (and if there was such a thing).

I would say the anger was repressed and experienced as anxiety. It was a very familiar feeling and also very overwhelming. Its that same anxiety that has been ticking over and motivated me to start this thread. (It is easing off gradually.)

There in the center, you suddenly want to be more than someone who is “only good for casual relationships”. There, you care a whole lot about not being rejected or shunned. You got angry, argued. I imagine that the “friendship wasn’t very friendly” indeed, too much anger on your part.

Thats a shame. I recall at the time battling with my anxiety (which was crushing) and a need to behave in a manner that was appropriate for the situation. I imagine at best I came off as highly strained.

I did buy him a gift of lavender balm that you can rub into your muscles to help you relax, I thought he’d enjoy using it as part of his taking alone time/self care routines. I was conscious that he had said he felt I didn’t understand his need for alone time and I wanted to show him I respected it. He said it was a thoughtful gift, but we’d already argued by the time I presented the gift to him so it was probably too little too late.

You wrote about him that he has “issues with getting close to people”- you do too, maybe more than he does. I think this is what you may be grieving, not living in the center, not being integrated. I think that this is what you want but afraid of.

Yep, no arguments there. It is painful to have this issue dragged out yet again.

Problem is, it is very difficult to now adjust to being an insider, which is what you … still need, to be an insider, integrated. “I could not discuss my feelings and was often overwhelmed by them”- the good news it is possible for you to process those feelings so that they weaken in intensity.

I cannot tell you how tired I am of being so unsatisfied in my romantic relationships. It goes on and on and has fulled my worst fears of being inadequate and forever alone. There are a lot of details that I will go over with my therapist in a bid to unpick this tornado. I don’t think I will every fully get over these issues, they form the backbone of who I am.

Thanks once more for all your support, its proving to be instrumental.

Still Feathering.

XX

I can’t say for sure; all I know is that we both spent much of our lives feeling as though we were grieving and not knowing why.

I wonder if it was a sense of loneliness and isolation that caused the unidentified grieving.

For me, this sense of grief lifted slowly after that accident. It like the existential crisis that we all go through suddenly became irrelevant.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Feathering my nest.

Bang on, Anita.

When we first met he said “Oh my god, I’ve met myself.”

Sometimes it was like looking into a mirror.

It was therapeutic in many ways, which I welcomed as I want to confront my struggles.

-Still feathering. 🙁

I wrote a list of the worst qualities about this guy. He’d be crushed if he read this as most of them are his worst fears about himself. He’s dimly aware of how he makes his own problems, not ready to own it yet.

1- Passive aggressive. (Eg. felt I was ‘guilt tripping’ him and although he admitted it was probably an over-reaction, he gave me the slient treatment for days.)

2- Selfish. /me me me/ <- he’s a singing teacher so thats him practicing his scales as well

3- Uncompromising. Can’t or wont’.

4- A man-child and a total mess.

5- Huge issues with getting close to people.

6- Non committal and flakey.

7- It appears to me that he shuttles between various women, citing his ‘issues’ and their ‘neediness’ as reasons for him being unwilling to stick anything out for long enough to get genuinely close to someone.

8- Then moans that he is lonely. Its part of his ‘issues’.

9-Has no real mates, only ambiguous relationships with women.

10- Possibly a secret voter for the Conservative party. *

*This is my little joke to myself, I could draw this conclusion from post-hoc analysis and that maddening picking-things-apart state of mind. It’s just there to remind myself how much we are capable of making up in our heads and how we can re frame evidence any which way we want, to suit our own agenda.

I felt a lot better after making that list.

I then also made a list of my own boundaries in romantic relationships and realized I had crossed a few of my own boundaries. No wonder my sense of self has taken a hit, in that regard.

Waking up to that realization felt weighty, like something within myself had really shifted literally overnight.