fbpx
Menu

Sammy

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 4 posts - 256 through 259 (of 259 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • Sammy
    Participant

    The day after my last drink binge was horrific. I never want to experience that again. Enough to put me off for life.

    Today I just feel very very anxious like I needed to put up a front because my friend and her husband have gone beyond for me. I didn’t want to let them down. So I asked for them to drop me back to my own place. My friend was really sad but respected my choice. I’ve agreed to facetime them at certain points of the day so.they know I’m surviving. I don’t think at least I hope I don’t ever go to the depths of those dark thoughts again. It was difficult being around them it wasn’t making me deal instead I was faking a smile and front because the guilt of troubling them at this time. This was exhausting.

    Being around them also made me jealous. I wanted what they had. They were very conscious to not be overly affectionate with each other in front of me but I caught them a few times. I feel like ill never have that again and it made me sick. I had to get out of there.

    I’ve cried today not the loud screaming cry but the painful tears which trickle down and show no sign of stopping. It dawned on me I had put too much into this relationship and it was really over. He is never going to change and if he loved me he would have for both of us instead he chose to walk away every time we met a crossroad rather than work hard on the relationship . He ended it 4 times. It took 4 times for me to finally realise this, where was my self worth? I miss him terribly but I’m angry he did this to me too. That is what I need to recognise and I’m starting to rather than holding onto some foolish hope of reuniting. It is bin day tomorrow I gathered all the stuff he had given me as I looked over them , the memories made me think was it all a lie? So I wanted to know @shelbyville or anyone did you throw out the stuff your ex gave you? How soon? Did it help to move on or not have a constant reminder?

    I feel blindsided, I felt he had changed and was going to propose. I’m so angry not at him but myself. 4 years these days is a lifetime together yet I still wasn’t good enough for him. The state of the world today makes me feel life is short… Should I be grateful he chose to finally end it when we could have carried on years going back and forth. By then I would have lost so much time and been a bigger wreck? I have the opportunity now to rebuild and find someone who does want me. So many emotions swirling in my head. I just wish there was a switch to turn them all off.

    Sammy
    Participant

    Thank you everyone I just wanted to let you know my friend got so worried about my state of mind she ignored the lockdown rules and sent her husband to pick me up. I’m currently with her and her husband and feel awful. The hangover tomorrow and withdrawal is going to be hell. I don’t want to put her through that and she’s risked her wellbeing for me. How pathetic am I? A grown adult unable to accept the truth. I passed a mirror in her hallway and stood momentarily and didnt even recognise myself in the reflection.

     

    I just wanted to let you know, I don’t know if anyone was concerned but for now Im safe. Thank you for your love.

    Sammy
    Participant

    Thank you so much @genie and @shelbyville, I appreciate your feedback.

    It hurt like hell yesterday. His scent lingered on the duvets so I had to wash them. His toothbrush was still in the bathroom so in a moment of anger i rubbed it the toilet. How could he do this..hoping to punish him then it dawned on me he wasn’t coming back and if he was I wouldn’t do that to him. So i curled in a ball on the bathroom floor and sobbed for an hour until the phone rang. I ran hoping it was him but my heart shattered into further pieces when it wasn’t. So I turned to the bottle again.

    Today I just feel sombre. The tears are dried up. I feel like im in a thick fog I can’t see clearly and find it too much effort to push through it.

    I’m worried the drinking is becoming a crutch in itself. The thought of going sober and being alone with all of my thoughts scares me but so does the idea of becoming addicted to it. The good thing is with the state of the world I’m running out of supply and with my anxiety there’s no chance of leaving to stock up. So I’ll have no choice but to sober up.

    This crisis has it’s own weird positives in the sense when I get fleeting moments of clarity I too think the man I loved just up and left me without looking back. It wasn’t a mutual decision. It wasn’t discussed. He said his piece which I realise for him would have taken a lot but just like the communication throughout the 4 years he chose to avoid proper discussion. He didn’t give me time to adjust, respond or check how I felt about the situation. He just walked away.

    What you are saying about loving myself is true. I’ve never had anyone appreciate me. I’ve always felt like the weakling in the family dynamic. I always felt anything I did didn’t meet others expectations. My worth has always been low.


    @shelbyville
    I noticed you are still in touch with your ex…..is there still a chance for a reunion? Do you feel you and I can be the very few that make it work? Or am I really the desperate, needy woman who has lost who she is in what was most likely another form of addiction. A drug which made me feel better about all my insecurities. Made me mask who I really am and avoid facing the problems within me?

    My friend who rang me again last night to check I was coping is incredibly clever and studies psychology. She said Sammy I didn’t mean to hurt you but I cant lie to you either, you need to hear it. She said what I thought was love wasn’t real love. She said when you are in real love with a person you are able to find peace in letting them go and no matter how much you want them your primary concern is their happiness. She said very few people experience or love in that way. It was unconditional.

    She said real love doesn’t send you to therapy because you would either be in it or at peace without the person. This hit home.

    She said I was addicted. What I was missing was the habit of having that person around, the safety and the idealised version I had in my head of our future together and dreams. I wasn’t missing him I was grieving the loss of those. If I was to look at the relationship properly I was happy to live off the crumbs of his attention even though he didn’t fulfil my needs at all but eventually the desire to realise those ideals would creep in and cause the issues. We were fundamentally not right for each other. She said it was all rooted in my attachment as a child. Is she right @shelbyville after years of therapy do you feel this is correct? All this time I think I’ve been in real love but how could I be if I don’t even have enough love for myself?

    My thoughts are swinging from disgust to just desperation as I ring him frantically hoping he will pick up wanting answers. I can’t see my way out. I don’t see myself surviving this pain.

    Sammy
    Participant

    Need help please…..this page called out to me most. You all seem to be very helpful to each other.

    I was in a long term relationship and 3 days before lockdown he ended it making it clear it was final.

    In all the years he had failed to communicate properly but somehow found the words for this. We were different people and he had just recognised it. Duh! Of course we are different no two humans are the same.

    He said the fact we had split up so many times over the course of 4 years he knew something was not right and the world situation had made him wake up and smell the coffee. Our relationship was not healthy and he was doing this for both our happiness in the long run. How could he believe leaving me would make me happy knowing I poured my soul into keeping him happy. Was my everything not enough to make him happy. How?

    All our break ups were usually always his choice, I always lived with the thought that he would break up again but we always managed to patch things up and the the time together without discussing the issues was great. My life has revolved around him for 4 years..how can he walk away so easily?

    I had lately been less anxious and enjoying our relationship without that thought. I actually thought when he made dinner and sat me down he was going to propose or make a grand gesture. We were going to move to the next step and get engaged, look for a house together it seemed right after such a long time. I thought we’d agreed after getting back together the last time but then he has gone and blind sided me.

    Left me alone in my flat, took all his stuff and now is unreachable.

    I immediately called my friend for support, she has always been there, perhaps I’m just very sensitive but she was abrupt.

    She said look at you Sammy girl..I had developed a co-dependency and had an unhealthy attachment which I thought was love. Really it was fear of moving on after all the energy invested into him.

    He doesnt want you where is your love for yourself? Don’t you know you deserve more? She rattled on that relationships were hard they require work communication but we had broke up 4 times in 4 years always the same reason issue behind it. She even went as far as saying he was right even though a prick for stringing me along for 4 years knowing us twos love language, desires needs, style of communication were completely different. It was time to move on. Stop holding on because I was scared of not finding love elsewhere.

    I was so devastated wanted comfort but her words stung and I just cut the phone and hit the bottle.

    I had been drinking non stop for 2 days to numb me but was violently sick earlier and knew I needed to stop.

    Now the anxiety of the whole situation is suffocating me.

    How can the people we love do this to us? I gave us 6 months apart before he came back the last time we agreed things would change. Will he change his mind again maybe he is just worried by the situation of the world? Why can’t he see how much I love him?

    Now I’m just crying and sobbing and losing the will to live. This pain I don’t want I  just want this all to go away. I wouldn’t mind the world ending right now.

    Everything hurts

Viewing 4 posts - 256 through 259 (of 259 total)