anita–

I understand completely. For me it was–taking out the furnishings I “inherited” and trying to put in my own thoughts. My childhood had abuse, secrets, with way too much church. I was around very opinionated people and it seemed that my head was so full of their opinions I didn’t or couldn’t block out seeing thru THEIR eyes. I want my own thoughts (furnishings) and I find trying to keep the beautiful thoughts and purging the old or new that don’t fit (the improved version of my life) therapeutic.

What works for me certainly might bring up unpleasant thoughts for someone else. It has happen to me on other post. It was good for me to examine and go thru remembering that. It opened a door that I need to give some thought to.

thanks for your honesty
you are much appreciated for it and many other talents

Seaisland

Oh sweet Amy,
you are not having a pity party—you are going thru a very painful time and you will have to deal with this person in some capacity for years as he is the father of your beloved child.

You got great advice from the above post–I have not much to add to their input except I agree-especially about not worrying about forgiving. Forgiving is overrated–especially when what you “need” to forgive for is actively still happening or likely to happen again. Forgiving YOURSELF is the priority. Take care of your own mental health, that trickles down to be healthy for your son.

I do not remember reading that the father has made financial contributions, or provides insurance. Surely the ball is still in your court legally–I saw you volunteer to let him see his child but had to drive him back in forth because of no drivers license.

I think you need to not feel guilty about forgiving the father and just look out for your minor child. The father will likely disappoint the child as he gets older and can see the situation for himself. If he does better you can always change visitation–but I feel you should fight for complete control of choices for your child.

You do not know this new woman in your childs fathers life. She has chosen to involve herself with an abusive alcoholic with no drivers license—she doesn’t need to come into your childs life. Children that age love so deeply and freely. I understand you wanting to keep him away from his father except under circumstances-YOU feel are ok.

Seaisland

• This reply was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by Seaisland.

for me

We all have it coming kid–

NOW I leave people alone and let life catch up with people who have really hurt me.
I have learned you cannot out a$$hole an a$$hole–they are too good at it. They win when you react in a way that is not your authentic self. I am glad that I am no longer (as) vindictive–but have surely paid for wasted time trying to get even or try to make them understand hurt they caused me. I tried to “give them what they had coming” and hurt myself, my morals, my beliefs, and wasted my time.

but on less serious wrongs committed against me–I have also I have judged people and “when I walked a mile in their shoes” found out –good people make bad mistakes and I have made my share. So “they didn’t have it coming”

Tuff question Cocoa Lady

Seaisland

My Mother is 80 and is a cut throat scrabble player. I use scrabble as a way to spend time with her but keep things positive. She has played for years. This summer my sister and I got her to move closer to the neighborhood we both live in.
I have now finally gotten good at it, and instead of humoring her love, I now love to play. She and I are fiercely competitive and I almost win 1 out of 3 games. She used to beat me badly. It amazes me how sharp she is.

board games are a great way to spend time with each other and stay off the “aint it just awful” rut mothers and daughters can get into.

Maybe there is something more important you need to do for yourself than forgive him. It sounds like you have let him consume your thoughts. You sound like a sweet beautiful person who he would have been blessed/lucky to have in his life. You sound intelligent and thoughtful

You are going to probably get advice from people more gentle than me. I put up with a lot from past boyfriends–was abandon by my 1st love when I was pregnant. Beaten and lost stillborn child at 8 monthes–blah blah. I could tell you sob stories–but I am not a sob story.

I am a strong person who works on anxiety, and compulsive negative thinking every day. THE MORE BS YOU PUT YOURSELF THRU _THE MORE SAD @#*& YOU HAVE TO WORK THRU.

Happiness is a choice. You don’t get to bring him into your happy life-or it wont be happy. Work on you. Don’t even worry about one day forgiving him, you might–but you need to focus on yourself right now.

Elsewhere on this tiny Buddha site/home page is inspiring information. there are people on the forums who can help and tell you step by step ways to help deal with HIM.

I say look out for yourself. Ask for help not thinking of him–purge him from your life. Have a great life without him.

I once left a husband who I should have left years before-based on inaccurate projection. I should have left him because he was selfish, drunk, beat holes in the walls, tore doors of the frames. Beat me when I tried to stop him.

one day I had lunch ready and he came home for work and couldn’t find something………I tried to help him find it, but he yelled at me “GO EAT YOURSELF” I was so insulted, it was the last straw. I packed up what I could in my little car–took $40 and never came back–moving 3 hours away.

Later I realized he meant for me to go eat my lunch without him. I laughed then and I laugh now. Thanks for the memory