Anita,thanks for sharing the exercise! Usually yoga helps with my shoulder and back pain but I haven’t been able to find the motivation or strength to do it these past few weeks. This exercise was manageable thou

Hey guys. I’ve had some space in the past two weeks from this second person I was attracted to. Here is what I’ve realized: When I first met him I found him manipulative. I was wary of him, tried to keep some space. Overtime, he started paying me very focused attention and (I) responded to it, despite still not liking him. Then, over some more time I purposefully started ignoring the parts of him that I did not like, because that would take away from the attention he was giving me. I basically ignored every danger sign I had picked up on. Then he suddenly switched his attention to someone else, and I reacted very strongly to the withdrawal of attention. Basically I would’ve done anything to get that attention back. Thank god I had some space, not of my own choice but because of circumstance. This is basically a confessional, because I feel I need to own my parts in this, in order to be more aware of them in the future.
(self esteem is still crap, still feeling terrible, no hope, but I can see myself getting to a point of hope soon, and aint that something!!)

hmm..I think its rebelling against the part that thinks I’ll be okay if I follow rules. That belief has pretty much determined all of my life decisions, big and small, to this point. Following rules for me equals approval. So theres a voice now that says “F.. it” I guess, I don’t need approval, I just need to survive what I’m feeling now without avoiding it by sleeping, eating etc. So whatever helps me get through the day and lets me interact with people and lets me function I’m choosing not to question- at least that’s the justification I’m using.
I think the part of me that wants to feel better has also slightly given up hope. Because the pain is there and constant and I don’t know how to handle it I guess.
Lov,
me

Hey guys thanks for your replies! I’ve realized that I’m projecting my own inner voice on these poor people, who basically haven’t said or done anything to warrant a reaction from me. I attach so many layers of thoughts to everything it becomes impossible to see things clearly. So I guess redoubling my efforts to stay in the moment and in the real world and not get sucked into negative brain thought world.
Love,
m

Thank you for this Anita! I have been very critical of myself for not fully jumping straight back into my old work pool, somehting I am pretty sure I am not ready for (or ever will be). I need to learn to be patient with myself.