Hi Helcat,
Well, I’m not particularly good at forgiving myself. I usually think, well that was that was stupid, or thoughtless or selfish, and I won’t do that again. But that was one of my ‘great revelations, when I first adopted Buddhism. The exact thought was, “You’re doing this ALL WRONG!”
It’s interesting that you came to the same conclusion as something I read a couple of years ago; about the ego’s investment in protecting itself. Aside from that though, I’m very wary of the courses of action my mind/ego sometimes proposes; which is why I became interested in ‘ego death’, some time ago. Having said that though, the experts say that it is not only impossible, and would be harmful, to ‘kill’ ones ego, since it apparently plays a vital role in our mental landscape. (I don’t know the proper terms for what I’m trying to say.) Yes, it’s good to keep one’s thoughts at arms length. They’re not always helpful and are, at times, counterproductive to one’s well being.
Ah, not guilt, but shame. Yes, I can see the difference, shame being more devastating, I imagine. After our discussion, I woke up the next morning with a thought about guilt (my mind often ruminates on unresolved questions when I’m sleeping); and oddly, connecting it with being happy. My thought was, ‘Is it possible to be happy in the midst of misery?’; or maybe more to the point, ‘can one be happy if they live with someone who is unhappy’. Would one feel ashamed/guilty for being happy in such a situation; that it’s just ‘not right’. Misery likes misery, not happy. Anyway, I’m off track here.
Information Technology, now THAT’S an interesting topic. I’ll bet that’s full of revelations. Along that line, most of us function on the premise that we’re motivated by reason; but science would suggest that, in order to be confident about one’s conclusions, one would want to derive that conclusion from a 95 out of 100 similar results. Well, that’s not how we reach conclusions. For most of us, one abusive incident is enough. So much for humans being motivated by reason.
Yes, it’s a contradiction, change is the only constant. I see everything from the perspective of change. As I mentioned, somewhere else, our refusal to adapt to, and embrace, change, is the source of much of our suffering. It’s ubiquitous, everywhere. It’s the nature of existence. I’m getting off my podium now 😉
I hope you, and everyone, has an enjoyable Christmas.
…. john

Hi Helcat,
Well, guilt is a hellish thing; and it’s hard to say,’well that was in the past’; I have changed, and am not the same person. But the truth is that you are not the same person, and will not likely make those ‘mistakes’ again. I know how hard it is to forgive oneself. Maybe the best we can so is say, ‘Well, I’ll never do that again.” Change does have something to teach us here. The old expression is, “This too will pass.” which applies to the good and the bad times.
I like the idea of simply watching these thoughts float by, but it’s very difficult to not get sucked into the mire, while doing so.
What are you studying?
….. john

Hi Helcat,
Yes, I get it. I don’t struggle so much with when to share, but what to share. I like to explore why people do what they do, or believe what they believe; and sometimes my questions are not well received; for a whole lot of reasons, I imagine. Years ago (20+) I belonged to a discussion forum, but it seemed like most people were more interested in convincing others of their point of view, rather than engaging in open, honest, discussion; so I stopped posting. This is new for me.
Short term discomfort, yes. I haven’t had much of that, probably because I haven’t had any majour upsets in life, certainly not of the kind you have experienced. To be honest, any of the problems I’ve had to deal with, have been entirely self inflicted, so I’m very lucky in that regard.
Kudos for having made progress in forgiving your mother.
“I think that I went from embracing my suffering and being buried by it, to rejecting and avoiding my suffering. Neither way is healthy. Perhaps a more reasonable approach is to acknowledge it?” Yes, well, I don’t know what the answer to that one would be. For sure, neither one sounds healthy. I suppose simply acknowledging it would work. There’s an old practice where a person writes a note, perhaps to their abuser, listing the feelings of repulsion, anger, hatred, misery, disappointment, betrayal, fear, etc that they’ve experienced; then inviting close friends who know about it, and holding a ceremony whereby they burn it; which apparently helps to rid them of those feelings and move on with their lives. Just a suggestion.
I agree, the duration of suffering is important. Thirty years ago, or more, I read a book called, “The Denial of Death” by Ernest Becker; which launched me on a ~5 year period of ‘mind’ depression. It’s exceptionally well written, and very convincing. It’s premise is that (all) human activity is geared toward denying the reality of one’s death (of which the author contends, most people are unaware). What I learned from it, aside from what the author intended, was that, a short period ruminating on one’s problem(s) may produce useful answers; long term rumination rarely produces anything other than depening one’s despair. When I was young, I got caught up in the romantic aspects of tragedy, Romeo and Juliet, the hero going through great suffering, etc. It seemed like movies, books, society, characterized suffering as something grand, profound, noble, magnificent. Well, I didn’t like suffering, and I didn’t find it elevating, grandiose, noble, or romantic. Having said that though, I believe that great suffering is necessary to becoming wise. In our temple there is a statue of the Buddha, and his hands indicate two mudras, wisdom and compassion. At first I thought the message to be that wisdom and compassion are the two most important qualities for becoming awakened. Then one day, it dawned on me that they’re the same thing; that without compassion there can be no wisdom and without wisdom there can be no true compassion. And, in my opinion, the only way of becoming compassionate is through suffering. But of course, suffering doesn’t necessarily result in compassion; it can have all sorts of negative consequences.
I’m not sure that tremendous suffering is a natural result of living.
I don’t recall pointing out your avoidance, so I’m not sure what you mean.
“It is human nature to be afraid of pain though. Perhaps I am afraid of being overwhelmed by it again?” Yes, quite so. I certainly would be. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. No one would want to go through that again.
……john

Hi Danny,
I’m sure that there’s a reason for asking about universal truths. Can I assume you feel that a universal truth is something one should
be guided by? The one you chose “The very real idea that I, we, could die tomorrow is an absolute universal truth.” Does that say something to you about how you should live?
….. john

Hi,
Well, I’m not sure how one deals with that. I lost my Jack Russel (JR), about 4 years ago.
He died in my arms; and I’ve never gotten over it; and probably never will.
… john

Indeed, it is quite lovely.
…… john

Hi Helcat,
I do know my strengths and weakness, for the most part. I try to change the ones I think are harmful; but I never deny their existence.
That’s good, that you see a path to healing. I rarely try to help others; not for the same reason as you; but because I don’t normally relate to their situations, except in the sense that we all suffer. I have scanned the forum to find people/situations where I might say something relative to what they’re enduring; but usually come up empty; and proffering banal platitudes is just insulting, to someone in pain.
Yes, I’m rarely put off by naysayers and pessimists. Tips for persevering? I’m afraid I have none. I was raised by a mother who’s motto was, “Giving up is NOT an option.”, reinforced by whatever successes resulted from that brainwashing.
“not judging yourself” is not exactly what I do. I was trained by the monks to impartially observe my thoughts and feelings, regardless of how ugly or beautiful, they might be; to keep them at arms length, and not take them to seriously. After all, they’re only bad, or good, when you act on, or embrace them. I’m often reminded of Brutus’ words in King Lear, “they pass by me as the idle wind, which I respect not.” Having said that, this practice will be too detached/distasteful for most people to live by. They love their emotions. Take it from me though, it has not made me an insensitive, feelingless automaton. I feel deeply and passionately about some things, just not everything.
….. john