Dear anita,

I think, when you spend a lifetime seeing only the surface of someone, you internalize everything..its all about how you feel and what happened to you. I think that finally being able to see my mother as a person, with her own struggles and flaws, gives me a sense of peace because I start to see that it wasn’t me (I wasn’t so terrible that I was unlovable, I was just the child of someone who couldn’t handle their own life and I was used as the scapegoat.. someone to blame when the day goes wrong but you can’t lash out at the boss or co-workers, so you come home and explode at the first thing that goes wrong… I think it’s called “kick the dog syndrome “). I guess I have this happy little song in my head saying “it wasn’t me, it wasn’t me, woohooo, it wasn’t me!”. All these years, I’ve struggled with how to forgive myself for being (insert all of the things she called me here) but I realize that I don’t need to forgive myself for something that isn’t true. For example, if someone accused me of procrastination, I would squirm because I know this to be true about myself but if someone accused me of being vane, I’d shrug it off because I know that is completely not true. I suppose have started to be able to accept what was true of my childhood and let the things that are not true drop away.

I think that being able to see her as a person (instead of just Momma) helps me because I can start to forgive the person (not the actions and behavior). I can see her as a person who needed help; she needed professional therapy and medication. I think that if she had gotten both, my growing up would have been different. She was not a bad person, she just did bad actions. There is a difference in my opinion.

On a side note, I know that my replies have been farther apart and a bit distracted this past week. My husband has just been diagnosed with Parkinsons and he’s already in stage 2 of progression. We met with the neurologist yesterday and have medical tests coming soon. I’ve been researching as much as I can about his condition and what to expect as things progress. His parents both have passed away but his brother is 12 years older and helped raise him. He wants to go see his brother so I’m making the arrangements for us to go for an extended visited (possibly next week after the house closing).

I usually don’t get the opportunity to get online until around 2am, when everyone else has retired for the night. Hopefully I’ll be able to get back online again later tonight and post more.

Take care and I look forward to talking with you again soon.

~Shipp

Dear anita,

Our posts are really helping me to sort things out. I see something that you have said and I’m able to see a situation explained (where I’ve not been able to find the rights words to explain what happened or how I feel/felt). Also, when I am able to put into words what I’m trying to explain, even if I do it poorly, I know that you’ll get it. By posting here, I actually have to analysize and sort it out in my head before I can write it out here.

I too have what I call ‘recordings’ in my head (because I hear it in her voice just like she’s beside me talking, yet fainter) of her rules. Both my parents were extremely strict and had rules for how I should act. Most of the rules where based on being “a proper, well-bred young lady”. For example “a lady walks, never runs”. I was a kid and all of my friends were running around outside and playing but I had to stay inside and play dolls quietly (by the way, another rule was “children are to be seen and not heard” which meant always speaking quietly). When I got older and in school had gym class, I hated it!! We were supposed to learn to play sports (which requires running) like baseball or basketball, as part of the class. I was so torn up because I didn’t know how to play basketball ‘like a lady’ and not run down the court, like the teacher was trying to get me to do, while my classmates are yelling at me to throw the ball. I felt so much conflicted pressure and panicked and froze, not knowing what to do. Even now, anytime I am faced with a situation where running would be more efficient, or more fun, I still lag behind and walk because I’ve got her in my head saying not to. This is just one example of the rules, but for just about any personal behavior or social situation, there were these rules.

Now, there are the other set of recordings. Her voice combines with the ex husband’s and the ex in-laws and sounds something like “you’re so lazy, worthless, cruel, only think of yourself, stupid, weak” and the list goes on. I think this is the reason why I don’t see myself as having value. Some people have the view of “all people have value and worth because they are God’s creation” .. nope, I don’t see it that way. I don’t think I will ever be convinced that I mattered simply because I drew breath. For me, value has to be from an external source (something you do or are), something one has to work at or earn. This is just how I see life and the world.

I too was aware that momma was careful not to leave visible marks outside clothed areas (except the time that she bit my sisters face…but she made her put on makeup to cover the bruise). We were also told exactly what lies to say, should teachers or grandparents see any marks and ask what happened. Unlike your mom, who acknowledged that she was doing something wrong, momma never did. In her explanation, “look at what you made me do” or “if you had done what I told you to, how I told you to, none of this would have happened” or “you brought this on yourself “… it was always because we deserved it.

Since I first wrote “I don’t know what it was about my existence that made her so miserable“, I’ve been thinking about it. Something that may have made me different from my sister is: I was born in February during the largest snow storm in the recorded history of our county. It took 2.5 hours to get her to the hospital by ambulance (daddy and granddaddy couldn’t get a car dig out to take her to the hospital). If I remember correctly, she was only 20 – 21 at the time so it must have been a traumatic experience for her being in full labor like that. The other part that makes me different is that the winters that I turned 1, 2 and 3, I had to be hospitalized, in the pediatric ICU for weeks in an oxygen tent, for pneumonia. Again, for a young mother, it must have been extremely stressful, emotional and tiring. For her, she probably viewed me as weak, and causing her many problems in her life; the “hell that I put her through”. My sister was born in June and was always meek and “go along to get along” and healthy. I wonder if this had any cause in my being the one to draw the bulk of momma’s wrath and rage. I wonder if she harbored resentment all those years because the traumatic start to my existence. She never forgave me for what I put her through. If my theory is true, it would at least give me some peace because it’s something like makes logical sense to me (at least I would have an answer to WHY).

I’m not trying to make excuses for anything that she did. I think I’m just trying to look at what might have been factors in the result. For example, when she got sick, in her 40s, we found out that she was bipolar and she began medical treatment for it. Looking back, with the known facts about person who are bipolar, I could then see the behavior patterns or mood swings that she went through earlier in life and then understand why she felt out of control during these cycles.

I look forward to your perspective and any thoughts you’d like to add.

Take care & best regards,

~Shipp

Dear anita,

I had a whole post typed out to you but when I clicked ‘submit’, Internet failure lost it all (so this is the short version).

Your example makes sense to me. It’s similar to the cycle that I experience with Daddy. It’s also the reason that I’ve decided to let go of trying to have a relationship with him. He’s happy with his life and I’m tried of putting myself through the cycle, so I’m letting go.

The advise you and VJ shared has shifted my perspective on many aspects of my relationship with my mother. I have some soul searching to do today.

Hopefully, I’ll be back again this evening.

Best regards,

~Shipp

P.S. Do you mind if I ask why you prefer the small a? Just something I’ve been curious about but keep forgetting to ask about.

Dear anita,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

I’ve not been online due to doing a lot of reading and not feeling well. November and December are my tough months to get through.

My mother’s birthday is in the first week of November and it still tears me up, every year. She died a few years ago and it crushed me. Although she was the cause of the abuse, violence and trauma of my growing up (then later manipulation and drama), the year before she died, she had a massive stroke which caused her personality to change. Because I went everyday, after work, to care for her we became close. It was the closest that I ever felt to her. I felt like I FINALLY had a mother and that she truly loved me. For four months things were great! The day that much aunt (momma’s sister) called me at work and told me to come to the hospital, I KNEW, I knew she was already gone but they didn’t want to tell me. My world shattered. God, I’m crying as I write this. I don’t have the words to describe the depth of loss that I felt and still feel every year. I also feel cheated because I was left with so many questions unanswered.

This woman beat me with belts (leaving cuts from the belt buckle) and wire coat hangers; would make me stand still while she threw pots, pans and glass dishes at me and then tell me to clean up the mess and dare me to cut my bare feet and the glass; my whole life she told me that the day I graduated from high school that she would put a bullet in her head so she could escape the hell that I put her through my whole life; she even put the barrel of her gun (loaded and cocked) against my forehead and threatened to kill me and then herself during one of her rages.

I never understood why my existence made her life so unbearable. My sister and my mother were best friends; confidantes. I was always “too stupid, clumsy, lazy, worthless” etc to do things with them. I was excluded my whole life and I still don’t know why.

She got sick in her early 40s and her health went downhill from there. I have the same blood disorder and medical problems that she had. She died at 59. I started having strokes at 32, a massive heart attack last year and the other problems, so I really wonder if I will live as long as she did.

One of my beliefs is that the spirit goes on after dealth. I believe that she can hear me so I still talk to her. When I notice the clock reads 3:33 or 12:12, I say “I love you momma”. When I miss her really bad or like when my granddaughter was born, I talk to her.

My problem still is that I can’t reconcile the two situations within myself. She warped how I see myself as a person, and I don’t know how to deal with that, but there was so much hope near the end for us to finally have a great relationship but it was jerked away from me right as it began.

After her birthday comes Thanksgiving and Christmas which throw me into a extremely deep depression (every year since I was a teenager). This year should be even more interesting because I have decided not to see any of my family (other than my husband and my daughter, the one who already lives with me). I refuse to see daddy (and my sister will harp, nag and try to guilt me into changing my mind, as she always does) so that means I have to cut myself off from the rest as well.

Oh and we are selling our other house. The closing date is, as it happens, on momma’s birthday. I should be in a fine frame of mind for that. I’m praying nothing goes wrong and that the closing goes off without a hitch or I may seriously have a melt down!

Anyway, for the next few months, my posts will probably be dark and random, and there will probably be gaps between my getting online but January should be better (before February starts it again) … but I’ll be normal again come March. This is the cycle of my life, every year. This is the person that I try to hide away from the rest of the world. This is the person that I want to change 9 months out of the year.

This is way more information than you or anyone reading this wants to know but this is the first time I have ever written some of these things publicly. This is the “Sherry Lynn” that my mother created. Now what?

~Shipp

Dear anita,

Good! I’m glad your safe and back home again!

I agree that you have a talent or gift for interacting with others. I’ve started reading other posts that catch my interest and I also benefit from things that you say that others. It’s interesting to read different viewpoints and reactions to problematic situations that we all seem to have in common.

Let me pose a topic and get your thoughts. You may have come across this theory before.

The theory (as I understand it from therapy ) is that if you can change your perspective, you can change your reality.

Example: Your driving to work and someone pulls in front of you, causing you to miss the green light and you have to stop. (A) You THINK “what a jerk!!! He thinks he’s better than I am because he can afford a fancy car” Your reality is that you become mad, stew about it and arrive at work in a bad mood; lousy way to start your day. (B) You don’t give any thought to the other car and think “I’ve got a minute at the red light to look at the stero and find a good song”. Your reality is that you quickly found a song and sing the rest of the way to work. Your day starts off happy and cheerful.

This theory is also supposed to help when examining ones childhood or other experiences. Your perspective on things that happened effect how we feel now.

I’m wondering HOW to make this shift in perspective so that I can try to view situations differently; thereby changing my reality. It’s similar to trying to view a situation from someone else’s perspective.

Am I making any sense or just rambling because it’s 3am lol.

I look forward to your thoughts.

~Shipp

Dear anita,

I’ve never heard of moving meditation but I will certainly try it tomorrow and let you know how it works for me.

Will post again tomorrow.

~Shipp