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Told my mom I didn't want to be in contact anymore

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • #118678
    dreaming715
    Participant

    I’m 28-years-old and told my mom today that I didn’t want to talk to her again.

    When I was less than 3-years-old, she had a drug problem. My dad tried to get her help and she wouldn’t. They got a divorce and he got full custody of me. She’d often leave and eventually was caught trying to sell drugs and went to prison. When she got out, she was in and out of my life. When I was a child I had a “college fund” started at the bank and extra money and birthday gifts in the form of money from family would go into the account. My mom went to the bank, withdrew every last penny, and never repaid it.

    She’s always been a heavy smoker and once in grade school I told her I was afraid for her health because in class we learned that some people get sick from smoking (as well as second hand smoke). She told me she’d open a window, pull up a chair, and let me sit there until she was done with her cigarette if I felt so worried.

    We had our ups and downs, but in my adult life she settled down a little and I wanted to still have her as a part of my life in some capacity. 3.5 years ago I went through a break-up where my ex-fiancé called off our wedding. I needed to get back up on my feet (and was also dealing with health issues at the time). My mom told me she would take care of my dog (who I bought and paid for) for as long as I needed and when I was in a better position I could take him back.

    My dog has been with my mom and step dad for 2 years. I recently learned they had serious drug charges filed against them after a search warrant. They haven’t been formally convicted, but it’s likely they’ll both serve some sort of jail time.

    I asked her if I could pick up my dog and her and my step dad were cooperative… until the day before we were supposed to meet. My step dad called me saying he was essentially their dog now and they hadn’t been formally convicted yet and he “doesn’t think they will be.” He also told me to shut up on the phone and said several outrageous things. My mom also wasn’t cooperative (she wouldn’t tell me their work schedule, said my dog would be locked in their house, and she wouldn’t provide me with a key).

    I’ve had it. This was the last straw and I’ve decided I no longer want her in my life. She brings me sadness and heartache.

    Any suggestions for starting this “new chapter” of my life without her?

    #118681
    Shipp
    Participant

    Dear Dreaming,

    I also have struggled with my father being a part of my life. I love him dearly but every time I have anything to do with him, I leave with my emotions in knots. So I have recently decided that my life is too short to keep putting myself through this over and over (expecting a different result but always it is the same).

    You said it yourself, this is a new chapter in your life without her. What do YOU want your story to be? Think of what you would advise your best friend to do in this situation… and then do it.

    For me, since the holidays are coming up, I plan on declining invitations to events where my father will be (staying home and doing my own Thanksgiving dinner, if need be). I plan on remembering the good times that I’ve shared with him in my life, but not giving him the chance to create negative memories. I plan on treating him like ‘somebody I used to know’.

    Sometimes the only way to heal and move on is to let go. Live your life and be happy. Just because she’s your mother doesn’t make her your mom. She’s just another person who chose to live her life separately from you or rather in a way that is unacceptable for you.

    You have your whole life in front of you to be happy: go for it!!

    ~Shipp

    #118690
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear dreaming715:

    Always good to read from you, dreaming!

    You asked for “Any suggestions for starting this “new chapter” of my life without (your mother), following telling her that you don’t want to be in contact with her anymore.

    I do have suggestions since I did the same thing twice, once when I was 29 (and reconnected, unfortunately, for me) and the second time at 52 (successful):

    1. Expect people to talk you out of this, to talk you into having contact with her “because she is your mom” because “she did her best with what she had”, because “no parent is perfect”, because “she is your mom!”

    2. Expect to doubt yourself and feel the need to reconnect with her “because she is my mom!” etc.

    3. Expect to sometimes feel a longing for her, a draw, a need: this is the attachment need every child has to a parent, no matter WHO the parent is, as long as the parent was present some of the time in the child’s life and took care of the child in some way. The message behind this attachment (aka love) is not that your mom is worthy of your love and you should reconnect, but that all children (and baby mammals) feel this attachment, no matter who the parent is.

    4. Do not expect a happily-ever-after state of mind following the no contact. Life is going to be tough as what your mother taught you, her messages to you will keep living in your brain. It takes a long time to unlearn those messages and learn what is true.

    Back to # 1: the world is filled with people who are attached to their parents, people of any age, people who endure abuse, disrespect, lack of love from their parents because of their attachment, and so they support everyone else doing the same. They can’t imagine having no contact with their mother, so they will disapprove of you doing that. Many people will support no contact in extreme circumstances- yours may qualify for some, but for others, the thinking may be: “well, she didn’t kill anyone…”

    Note to you: Congrats for your decision; I think it is a good decision. Post again, anytime.

    anita

    #118692
    Learning
    Participant

    Dear dreaming,
    You are an incredible person, just reading what you have been through shows your strength it’s beautiful. It’s sad to hear that you parents were not the people they should have been. You said in your post “Sometimes the only way to heal and move on is to let go.” I do believe there is some truth to that but I guess its easier said than done especially when it comes to family. It’s seems to me that you have given your mom plenty of chances, but some how you always get “short change”. I feel like now you need to invest in yourself, I do think distance would be a good thing. Sometimes our family can be toxic. Your perseverance to maintain a relationship with your mom is admirable, it shows the love you have for her, she will realize this when the time for her to change comes. People do change but it can take some time. You will know when she has changed and I think that will be the right time to let her back in. Stay strong.

    #120584
    dreaming715
    Participant

    Thank you all for the encouraging and helpful responses to my post! <3

    #120585
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, dreaming715.
    anita

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