Thank you for encouraging words.

Also I don’t think I’m asexual, I appreciate the thought.

I have to admit, I am surprised to find the input of all three people here to be more helpful than it has any right to be.

I’ll be on my way then. Thank you.

Hello, Anita.

My words probably looked disconcerting. I don’t have a need to discuss that part of my demons, but I am fine to talk about it, if you wish so.

I have a deep hatred for humans. I think I had it ever since school or earlier, when I became target of fox hunt among my peers for the crime of being different.

My limiting belief about sexuality has nothing to do with that hatred, as it only mentions me and my desires, and not other people.

I have found out that it didn’t matter how many hours I would dedicate to meditation practice and listening to my body or mind. The hatred wouldn’t leave.

I think that hatred is my friend. It helped me make sense of the collapsing world, it protected me from wrongdoers, it kept me company when no one else would.

It does make my life more difficult, but as of now, my answer is just choose peace whenever I have strength for it.

The only way it affects other people is by depriving them of my company, which isn’t such a huge loss for them, I would figure.

My choice for compassion and peace has nothing to do with hatred. Having experienced abuse, I do not wish to walk the path of my tormentors.

Why does my writing sound so pretentious and also old-fashioned?

What I mean to say is, I don’t think that hatred and compassion contradict themselves. It’s just different parts of me.

Like when you might hate a family member for some deed, but also like them because they are family and human.

That’s best I can put it for now, without delving unnecessarily further.

Hello, Jupiter. Thank you for your reply. It is good to know other points of view.

I do see why you would make such assumprions about myself – my story does seem like general story of a modern “involuntary celibate”, or an “insec”. A guy who idealizes women and hates them at the same time, expecting someone else to solve his life.

I tell you true, I probably was that kind of person some five or six years ago.

I am also disheartened every time I hear a story such as you described.

You are right about one thing, though. I do deny women humanity, the same way I deny humanity to all people, men and women, myself included. I do struggle to keep away from extreme nihilistic views, and this is the reason why I don’t care to treat people with anything but compassion. There was already enough pain caused at the hands of people, no need to breed more of it.

So yes, I hate people in general and I would like to think that I do treat properly every human being I interact with. It’s just that I didn’t really interact with women.

Thank you for your opinions and kind words, Anita and Helcat. It is very refreshing to hear those.

Regarding online dating – my impression of online chatting was that it consumes a lot of hours and leaves you just about where you started – with no human contact. As far as I know, population of any dating service consists mostly men, so an average guy has to battle for a girl’s attention among hundreds of other guys. I might be wrong on this, but I think online dating isn’t a good place for anyone.

I am convinced I stand a better chance talking to an alive human being face to face rather than swiping and messaging hundreds of non-descriptive profiles.

Even though I have no trouble speaking to and being around people, I am very much reluctant to step on the path of connecting with people of opposite gender. But hopefully I will be able to take at least few steps.

Thank you for your attention to my problem.