Thanks for everyone’s posts except Tom Dagger. I’m not even going to reply to your post. I don’t know why Belle got flagged. He/She was trying to help.

@Belle – Yes, I’ve tried new things and even joined a few Meetup.com groups. The thing is, none of those things satisfy my desire to be with a woman and to be in a relationship. There all good while I am single but I’d like to do those things with a GF.

I never had any women hovering around me. I guess I was attractive to my past GFs but I never was considered “hot” like my ex.

Patience is definitely something I need to work on but something about turning 40 did something in my mind. It all of a sudden makes me feel like I have less time on this earth than I did before turning 30.

@Louise – I am not sure what you mean. I did love my ex and the relationship did move fast, I admit. I did not use her but I think she used me. I really was very much in love with her. I think my mistake was investing to much emotions in her and also my own happiness. I guess I didn’t really get to know the real her. The thing is, I am not sure she even knows that. My therapist says she’s a “chameleon”.

@Codee – no I haven’t heard of pema chodron. I will look her up. Thanks for the info. Meditation keeps coming up over and over but for some reason I am resistant to it. I think it’s because I’ve tried it several times and I don’t think I am doing right or it doesnt’ feel like it’s doing anything. I have a very obsessive mind that has a lot of intrusive thoughts. My mind also races. It’s hard to keep it quiet.

I’ve tried being the observer. I don’t know why it’s so hard. I start to do it and the next thing I know, I am back to obsessing again. I guess I have to keep trying over and over again. It’s difficult for me.

I know I need to let my ex go. My brain knows this and all that’s logical and real. It’s my heard that is so powerful that overrides what I know is fact with emotions that keep me hanging on.

@Louise – I will look up antidoteforall – thanks!

@elephantgirl – sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you.

It’s a very long story and I don’t have time to explain it all here right now as I am at work.

I’ve been trying to date other women, but nothing is panning out. My ex won’t see anything about my life.

I’m coming here today because I’m worried about me. I am very, very angry today. I cannot stop thinking about my ex and her BF. It blows my mind that she is able to get one. I just cannot believe it. She was so miserable a few months ago, she is unemployed, she lives at home and she is 32 years old. And here I am, almost 1 year to the day when she broke up with me and I am still obsessing over her. I want her out of my mind! I have been in therapy, on meds, and nothing seems to help. I thought that if/when she had a BF, I would be over her.

On one hand I hate her, on the other there’s still some love left for her. This is absolutely crazy! I am getting desperate to move on. She haunts me.

This is torture of the mind. I am miserable.

Sorry, I had to vent. I have run out of ideas.

@elephantgirl

Thanks for sharing your story.

Something that helped me was to finally let go of all the thoughts of my ex and her new guy. What I mean by that is I tried to fight off those thoughts but one night, in bed, I let all the thoughts and emotions regarding my ex flow. I felt all the emotions and could visualize her and them. I just let it all come through my mind with no judgements. It helped.

You know it’s really great that you can look inside and see your flaws but don’t blame yourself for everything. It takes 2 to be in a relationship.

So, there’s been a change. I saw a tweet from my ex that she made on August 20th. She was sh*t talking about me without mentioning my name. Now I am really angry. I actually can’t stand my ex now. I realize how immature she is.

I’m only sad because I really did love her. I loved her like no one else in my life. She’s gone and not coming back, and I think that’s a good thing.

@Big Blue – I feel that I have spiraled through the stages of grief except for acceptance. I think I was in denial when I used to tell people, and myself, that I don’t want her back. I think there was always a part of me that wanted us to get back together and now it’s really official that I most likely will never see or hear from her again.

@Jason – Thank you so much for your post. I’m sorry that you’re going through a similar situation. And your post definitely did not come across in any negative way. It does help to read your words and suggestions.

I felt like I was getting better but now that I know my ex is in a relationship, I feel like I’ve taken a major setback.

My main problem now every time I close my eyes, I picture them together, having sex, or just being happy together. How can I stop those thoughts? I really just want to stop thinking about her. For crying out loud, it’s been almost a year.

@staranna – what you say is so true and thank you for being so kind. I know I was and still am addicted to my ex. It’s slowly sinking in the what I miss is not necessarily all about her, but my desire to get that love an attention again. And those high moments with her when things were at their best. I fear that I may never love that deeply again. I have fear of moving on.

I used to be fairly confident and excited about what my future may bring. But now, a year after the BU and a month after turning 40, I’ve lost a lot of hope and confidence. I wasted a year trying to get over my ex and being very depressed and I can’t get that year back. I finally see that light at the end of the tunnel but I haven’t been meeting anyone new. Mostly that’s my fault for not getting myself into those situations.

Forgive me if this sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, I am just expressing what’s on my mind now. I feel very, very lonely. I miss the companionship of being with someone I love. I miss the intimacy, the activities, doing things for each other, taking small trips, just all of it. Being connected emotionally and physically. And because I do not see any potential for someone to come along, not even if it’s just for sex, makes me very sad (and this is where I may be feeling sorry for myself).

Sometimes I feel that even though my ex and I were toxic for each other, I had reached the pinnacle of dating with her. If I ever get married, I don’t want to settle. But in order for that chance to happen, I need to meet someone.

@Popi – i can’t and don’t want to delete my social media accounts. my ex did me a favor and blocked me from all of them so, on the bright side, i can’t change my mind and unblock her. I use social media a lot to communicate with friends and family. I blocked her number on my iPhone, that’s the best I could do.

I think I have been in denial about living in the past. It kind of hit me this morning. I thought I was not doing that as much but I realized I am doing more than I think. Yes, I try to stay in the moment and to be thankful for what I have. If/when I think of the future, I try to stay positive. The hard part is staying in the moment. Being constantly grateful, and always looking forward for the future.

You see, I also suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, depression, low self esteem, and abandonment issues for my entire life. I’m just now trying to address it and “fix” it but it’s incredibly hard. It seems so daunting, which, in turn, adds to all the issues I’ve just listed.

My biggest fear is to grow old, lonely, never have been married, and never had any kids.

@popi and @Big Blue – Thanks for your kind responses.

@popi – we’re on similar timelines, it seems. my relationship was 9 months and on September 26th, it will be one year. 🙁

@Big Blue – Thank you for that list of questions. I do need to ask myself those things more often.

What do you all recommend for this: Every morning the first thought I have when I open my eyes is of my ex. I know we are in control of our thoughts but this doesn’t seem like it’s in my control. It annoys me that she is still my first thought and that’s how my day begins. I have to fight off those thoughts and emotions from that point on. How do I stop these thoughts of her when I first wake up?

@staranna – thank you very much for your kind and heartfelt response.

I’m aware that many of my “issues” stem from my upbringing.

And yes, I am trying to learn from this difficult lesson. The aftermath of what it did to me I am still repairing while, at the same time, I am learning from my mistakes.

The only thing about finding a new love is I am not sure I am ready. On one hand, I am very lonely and would like a companion. On the other hand, my self confidence is not where it should be. Who wants to date someone who’s not quite over their ex and who’s still got some baggage? Furthermore, I’m on dating sites right now and it’s pretty awful for me. I’m not really getting any responses. But that’s a whole other topic.

Thanks for reminding me what I should be thankful for. Sometimes I forget.

I will definitely look up Rose Rosetree. Thank you very much!

Hi Charlotte,

Thanks for your response and the link. I actually saw that the other day. The 2nd to last step is hard for me. If I imagine myself hugging my ex, or seeing her smile at me in my mind, it makes me very sad because I wish it was happening in real life.

Now that I am 40, I am very concerned about that fact that I am single. I’m one of the only people in my circle of friends that is. I’ve asked them if they have any single female friends and literally none of them do. 🙁 The dating pool is a lot smaller now that I am older.

I’ve had a heavy heart for almost a year now and I can’t imagine the damage my body has endured from all the anxiety, depression, and heartache I’ve had. My confidence was shattered too, so I am trying to rebuild it. To top it off, I feel very lonely. I am trying to work on these things but it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be and the process in and of itself can be tiring.