Another day. Yesterday I went to sleep after I saw your reply. In response, I want to tell you, that when I was writing the previous reply I wasn’t crying, mad, depressed, or anything. I was in a state of expressing myself. I wasn’t panicking or having a breakdown. It was just me and the text. The things I wrote, should be an example of the noise. Some fragments of thoughts were just put into words.

“if you keep the noise in your head going and going (searching, thinking, solving, etc.), you don’t hear that acute silence with which you grew up, that acute absence of bonding and emotional support. That acute silence is so disturbing that you want to get rid of it any which way.”

This part is really interesting. I will now try to thoroughly experience the silent mind. See what comes up, what do I feel.

It is not unpleasant. It is experience lacking. I can focus on my body, or on my mind. If I focus on my mind, there are certain things popping up. I can choose what will I follow. Am able to go through a brainstorm, in a way that random things pop up, and these random things lead to other random things. My mind can wander off to unimaginable lengths. But that is just an option. I can keep thinking about one thing. Or I can choose to just watch my thoughts go by. In a way that I talk to myself, and then these thoughts can’t occupy my mind. I am aware that they popped up, but I let them die by thinking something else.  Rarely do I experience the silent mind. That there is not any thought. That is also hard because when it happens, you are aware that it is happening, and if you are aware of something, your subconscious mind keeps track of what is going on, and it gives you thoughts about it.

I don’t know, it is really hard to process these things. And it is even harder to get them right.

When I focus on my body, it is accompanied by thoughts that guide my consciousness. For example, I say to myself: breath in, breath out. Or I go through various parts of the body and ask myself what am I feeling. Is it cold? Is there any tension? Do you feel a heartbeat? Are you tired? Are you hungry?…

But back on the topic. I have read it slowly. Multiple times. No difference from the first time. I get what you wrote.

Then I have a question. What if it is correct. What if that is the case. Then what do we (I) do about it? You can’t change the past. You cannot undo what has been done. My brain developed the way it did. I understand that It is about not making it worse, rather about finding ways we can improve it. But what do we do? Compensate the emotional support? I don’t feel the need to.

First of all – wOw! I am amazed by how you keep track of topics that are years old. You probably know my past better than myself, because my memory of past years is kinda foggy. I believe that this community is your passion because I saw that you reply to almost all topics/forums every day, as you had been doing since I came here. And by that, I would really like you to know, that you are making a difference. You probably already know that. But! You are person one of a kind. And I truly mean that.

1. The new and the everyday medications
   • The new pill that I am taking is called TRITTICO (/Trazadone) – a third-generation antidepressant from the SARI (Seratonin antagonist and reuptake inhibitor) group. I am taking just a third of the pill because I started with it circa a month ago. So far I am not aware of any side effects.
   • I am still taking the SSRI – ESCITIL (/Escitalopram). One pill every morning + a vitamin B, and sometimes D (because of winters cloudy days, and my absence of going out).
   • Never have I taken the benzodiazepine.
2. Liver situation
   • Once I ended my athletic path, everything about my physical health magically improved. No back pains, no liver problems, no injuries, no stiff shoulders, no cramps. After that, I took up aikido, which followed my athletics abilities, but in a much less energy-depriving manner. I had quit five months ago. After my birthday, I have a plan of going to the gym. But that depends on my ability to survive the days.
3. Daily schedule
   • Yes, I am still attending school. I will graduate the next school year (2022/23).
   • I wake up at 6 o’clock, sometimes tired, sometimes hopeless, sometimes energized, or in autopilot mode.I prepare for school – breakfast, hygiene, dress up, pet the pets, rub them on the belly, give them food, and hooray to school.
   • We have a timetable of subjects, so sometimes we have so-called zero hours, which are before the first hours, and sometimes we have afternoon classes in a form of seminars.
   • Typically without the seminars, we end at 14:15, have lunch, and go home. I take public transport. Sometimes reading is the thing I do in the meantime, or just looking from a window, staring at strangers, having my thoughts or imagination go wild.
   • After I arrive home, I find myself watching YouTube a lot. If not, I do my homework or spend time doing some research. Sometimes I play with pets for a while or join the typical family debate. But that’s about it. Rarely do I chat online with someone, but if so, we spend hours doing just that. [Talking about serious topics like health, faith, problems, meaning, people, world, nature, history, biology, universe, philosophy (we can discuss the correct spelling), et cetera…]About a year ago, I stopped playing video games. Part of it was a decline of interest in such activities, neither did I find it beneficial nor “wise-time-spent-ful”.Here and there do household chores.
   • Tiredness and exhaustion. One of the big topics. The thing is, that I can feel energized, exhausted, or both at the same time. This motivation or drive follows the current mood, maybe even vice versa. They are probably bound to each other. It is not so about the energy, because I can do everything from waking up to lifting weights, but more about the lack of motivation to do any activity.
   • I can function without a problem, but I find myself without meaning to do anything. But then, you have to do something, so I move on. Because you have to. You can’t just sit and stare blank (well, yes, but that won’t solve anything). Maybe you can imagine me as a machine that instead of slowing down, keeps searching, thinking, solving, analyzing, moving, shifting, changing, breaking and self-repairing. And If I do slow down, I want to die. Because I know that If I won’t keep the pace, I will start slowing down, bit by bit, questioning why do I do this, why not end it.
4. What did I learn on how do I function
   • The therapy gave me an idea of what to focus on. The shifting point is when the switch goes off, and I want to commit suicide. By thinking about it, and watching my own thoughts (that is harder than one can imagine), I came to understand, that it is more of a remembrance. Every previous experience of depression led to the conclusion, that suicide is the way out. And remembrance is just that. Skipping the being-depressed part, straight to the solution. That’s the switch. I can have a good mood, feeling alright, but then it hits. I find myself wanting to jump under the subway, tram, car, from window/cliff, overdose. Such precipice awaits, and I just see myself wanting to let go.
5. Examples of the switch
   • I am traveling home, reading a book, and then it hits.
   • I am in school and it hits.
   • I am petting a dog and it hits.
   • I am doing household chores and it hits.
   • I am shopping and it hits.
   • I am eating and it hits.
   • I am lying in bed and it hits.
   • I am watching a YouTube video and it hits.
   • You get the idea. It comes without warning, without any external impulse (if it does then I am not aware of it).

And that’s about it. So far nothing else comes to my mind.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Štěpán Pavlas.

Anita! Nice to hear from you again.

It has been a while, but my concern is to help my friend right now. (Maybe I found myself in helping others – but just maybe :))

I have a request for you. Would you be willing to help my friend, if she agrees to join our community and share her story?

I know you said that you will be glad to listen to her, but I just want to be sure. It is also that I would love to have you as her guru (or how to say it), because I had a great experience with you. 🙂

Hello to all of you!

Harshita, Cloudyair, Amber, Donna & JSquirrel

I thank all of you for your kind words, for support and for giving me part of your time to respond! It means a lot.

And it is all getting better!

I am shocked that I wrote this in April … that is only 3 months! And now? My lord, it’s better than ever before. So that I don’t bore all of you here to death, I will cut it short.

Alright, so this was me: No purpose, no dreams, no desires. Just emptiness and depression.

• • • • • No purpose? Not anymore. I found out that the only right that we all have is to make our life enjoyable. Nothing else. Just this one. Yeah yeah … right … but think about it. We as a species of living animals (I am sorry to the ones of you who are religious, but I mean this from an evolutionary standpoint. No intention to offend you.), have gone a long way. And every living thing does what it can to meet its needs, and if it is beneficial or enjoyable it devotes to it a little more than it needs. Because why not feel better than I should, right? And the same works for humans. Everything we are doing we do for a good feeling.  To feel good. And that is my purpose.
        • No dreams? Well, that is unfortunately still the same.
        • No desires? How could I even say that? Because I could have said something along the lines of: I long to not have depression, I long to be happy, I long to be out of this state (status quo)… And now? I long to find myself. It is still a long way to go, but at least I know the direction. Know thyself.
        • Just emptiness? Certainly not now!
        • Just depression? Depression is gone. Well… maybe it isn’t 100% gone but I can surely say that I feel ten times better. The medication worked, but what helped me a lot was cognitive psychology. And also the support from my friends and family, my trainer, school teachers, total strangers on the internet and the list of kind hearths goes on.

So that is it. I am way better. I can manage my own from now on. It is really weird because depression eats you alive, and you just suffer in pain. You are stuck. You don’t see any way out of it. And now? I am just shocked by how strong emotions can be.

I would love to help all of you, but I am scared to dig into this topic because I want to be sure I am out of it for good.

Once again thank you all for everything. I wish you all the best you can have, and even what you can’t imagine! I hope you are doing great and if not, I really wish, pray for you and hope so it gets better! Love you all. 🙂

Ok so I have been super mistaken. The one I take is called Escitil  (escitalopram), and the one I am supposed to take while feeling horrible is the Lexaurin (bromazepam). I got confused because I have not seen my mom taking the pills out of the box, so when I checked what it was, I found the open one (but that was the other one that I am not taking).

Well, I meant it like that I have never paid some real attention to how they love / like us (yes I have a brother – he is gonna be 19). I kind of went through childhood thinking to myself that parents are just parents (like the people that gave you life) and nothing much else. That is why I didn’t realize that they love me. I never wanted to be part of the centre of attention. Maybe that is why I didn’t bother thinking if they love me (and even if they didn’t, I would not have noticed). But now I know that they loved me the whole time. It is just that you can’t be only a kind parent. I am glad how they raised me, so whatever they did I am not complaining.

Hello anita.

Back with an update. So, as I have been visiting the psychologist, we agreed to try a psychiatrist as the talk therapy wasn’t making me feel somehow better. We went there, and we came out with a paper which tells what you should get at the pharmacy, and also one paper which we will go with to a blood test, because I have been feeling super tired, so the psychiatrist wanted to check if my thyroid gland is doing ok. So we went to the pharmacy, and now I take benzodiazepine (in our country only under the name of Lexaurin) – which only weakens anxiety. As we got the results from the blood test, we found out that I have the liver problem again. I had this once about 2 to 3 years ago, and it was the same that I was feeling tired. Nothing serious but we will email my doctor with the results and ask what to do with it.

Right now, I am not feeling side effects from the medication (only that I start to have a headache on the sun). But I am not feeling somehow better. Of course, it is said that it will take about a month before it starts doing something. But this medication is only so that I feel better, and we can move on from there. I still have a long way to go.

I am sorry not answering, but I had really confusing weeks lately. I am kind of getting lost.

Will be happy to hear from you. Bye for now. <3

First of all,

I’m sorry I didn’t answer exactly. I wrote it yesterday, and as I deleted it, I probably missed something. I know the question was what I think they think. But unfortunately, I have no answer. I totally understand that it sounds pretty incredible. I have to know something or think something. But I can’t say anything about myself. If I had to describe myself, I would have to think for a long time who I am. I’ve never been clear about this. I don’t know what my character is, I don’t know how I affect others, and I don’t even know what they think. What I wrote about was more like I know they don’t think anything bad about me. Which is probably all I care about. For example, when I realize that my joke was a bit unsuitable (even if it wasn’t), I often blame myself for things that others would throw behind. I feel bad for making myself look dumb, mean and more. It really is that I do not know. I would like to, but I don’t. Sometimes when someone mentions a characteristic about me, I remember it for a while, but after a few days, I totally forget what it was.

For me, it sounds like you are mad at me because I did not answer correctly. I am sorry for that. That’s because I understood it as asking how I perceive what others think of me (how much I care).

About the second question. You are probably right about that. Because it seems that I have not experienced true love, so I was confused about experiencing it. So I had doubts. (I am really sorry if I am missing what you want from me because I am starting to get lost in these posts. Sorry.)

The idea that I forgot how love feels, is really probable. But one thing I want to reproach is that I have not felt love with her when I was 13. We found ourselves in love when we got back from the camp (2019). But I get what you mean. It makes sense. When I asked her recently, she said that she actually never experienced this ”real-love-thing” before, until we missed each other so much.

But! My parents never told me that they don’t like me or that I am not worthy of their attention. From now with having these issues, I am starting to realize that they really do care about me. They cared before, but I was the one not paying attention to it.  They are trying to make me talk (because I never talked (or expressed my feelings or my thoughts) much). It is not that I do not think anything, that I am just a robot listening to commands. Of course I think and feel. But I never felt some super need to express myself. I am the type of person from Finland (they do not talk much – they find it spoiling the moment of calm).

But the idea that they did not like me crying, running around or not sitting straight, is a good point. I cannot tell, because I really do not remember. For me, it is not like I hate being called a kid, but it just doesn’t feel right. I find it derisive. Because in our country, there have been years when small children at elementary school had the trend of saying ”kid” (exactly how you read it). I think it came from the internet, and it got really popular. We insulted each other with it. And maybe that is why I find it derisive. Not because I was bullied or something, but more like because it is stuck in my memory that the ”kid” is someone who acts like a baby, sues, cries, cannot do this and that, is weak or really just anything else.

NOOOOO,

I wrote the whole text, and I wanted to check something on this topic, but because the topic is divided, it reloaded the page, so my text is lost … Damn it. I really had a point.

So about what others think of me. I’m not exactly the type that constantly worries about how I affect others. But I think it’s important that we create a picture of how we actually behave who we are for others. I’ve been having long hair (like Jesus) for about 5 years now. And I do not care if anyone wonders why my hair is long. I really can’t even tell if anyone is looking at me. Because I got used to it.

It is with others that I can be neutral or positive with people. I can join communities and get along with almost everyone. I can adapt quite well to the environment, even to individuals. I do not like disputes, conflict or unrest, so I try to get along with everyone. But it is definitely NOT that I limit myself and do everything possible to make sure nothing happens, and everyone is happy. When it is necessary I defend my personal space or my opinion. But if possible, I prefer it if nobody prattles about anything.

I like to discuss. I can argue, but I hate to. I prefer peace with everyone. It’s like that if they don’t care about me, I don’t care about them. But only in the sense of what we think of each other. Of course, I have my own opinion, I think about people, and I also notice how they behave. So I have an overview of who they are, and I kind of realize how I affect others. But I try to keep my head cool, and not to make hasty conclusions.

But even before I started having these psychological problems, I wasn’t very interested in people. I saw how they behaved, and I didn’t find any reason to socialize. So it is that we do not mind each other, we can cooperate, and I would say that we like each other, but it has its limits. I look for my own, and when I feel the need to get involved, I do.

So about the second question. By that, I meant that there has never been such a thing I could match the same feeling too. Not a single thing or person. I experienced it just once. I know it could be that first-love feeling, but why cannot it be true that it could be something deeper? Can it be blind love, if we are still waiting for each other for so long? Why wouldn’t have we gave up? – It is because we realized, we felt something special. Not like we had something that no one could have ever had. But more in a way that we knew we match to each other. We are a nice couple.

Also, I don’t know, but … it just seems weird for you to call me kid. I understand that I actually wrote that I would like to be a kid, at least for a moment, and I wrote like if I was one. But I think I do not like the way it sounds. I feel like that you actually take me as a real kid. I know that I am really young. I am not saying otherwise. But I don’t like to be called kid. I like to be free like a kid, to express as if  I was a kid, but probably my thinking is not childish. So please if you could. Thank you. (It is not that I am mad. I also totally understand how it sounds: ,,I am NOT A KID! ” :D,  but I just want to let you know 🙂 )

PS: I think the emoticons are quite helping to express.