Dear Helcat,

“I finally caught up to the break up. You really have been through a lot in recent months. COVID, a hurt knee and the surgery ontop of a difficult break up! You’ve been through so much, it’s nice to see you starting to heal and come out of the other side.”

I so appreciate your catching up with my story ❤

“Would you like to hear my thoughts about the relationship and breakup?”

Thank you for asking! I would like to hear your thoughts. Part of me is afraid to hear something I don’t want to but I value self awareness and growth over a bruised ego. So yes please, tell me your perspective.

Seaturtle

Hello All,

I haven’t yet read recent messages, but I have a recent false self discovery and would like to go deeper into it.

I have always known I have some people pleasing tendencies, but I thought I had them under control. When I moved away from home I realized all the things I did for my fathers approval and began to seek what was actually important to me. I now realize I fell into that habit in a past relationship, in that when I felt disapproval it affected my self esteem significantly.

When I reflect back on my childhood, there was not much, if any, praise for trying. Instead I remember feeling like there was always something I could do better. Even as an adult living in my fathers home he constantly told me he did not feel appreciated by me. If I was free in the evening and didn’t think to make him dinner, if I didn’t volunteer to do things for him, if I didn’t show enough gratitude for things he did. Or if I ever confronted him about how he hurt my feelings, he would call it being ungrateful for the list of things he does for me.

I notice in my adult life now, I often ask how I could be better… I told my employer once to let me know if I was doing anything that bothered them so that I could fix it ( I work as a nanny). I seek validation from my roommate about my behavior… after going out if I questioned something I did or said. I want to understand the balance, because when I read that the solution is to stop doing things for others approval and do what feels in align with me, that is how I behaved living with my father and I was constantly called selfish or ungrateful. I don’t want my actions to hurt other people or offend them, but I also want to live in alignment with my true self. Is our true self selfish? How do I think of others and care for them, without comprising my true self?

Seaturtle

Helcat,

” Healing the initial trauma and being able to address the past pain separately is important. Therapy is helpful with this.”

-I have tried to find a therapist here since I moved away from my last one. I have found it very hard to find someone. Everytime I get close, it doesn’t quite feel right.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

I hope you had a nice weekend 🙂

“My point is, restated, that if you want a positive, relaxing birthday weekend in Palm Springs, then having a person who is, (your words),  “so negative“, who “talks just so much, doesn’t allow a moment of silence… cuts me off… doesn’t listen when I talk…just waits to talk“, is not congruent with having a positive, relaxing weekend, not for you, and not for your roommate- friend.”

– Although these things are true, they aren’t always true, I have been able to relax with her before, and she has been in more positive spirits, the version of her I remain hopeful for in Palm Springs…

– Also, something else that is congruent with me, is that I don’t want to control so much anymore, and that includes other people’s behavior. Maybe then the solution is to not expect a relaxing weekend in Palm Springs, just what is meant to be will be, and I will grow from it spiritually by learning to let go of the part of me that is bothered…? (more on this later)

-I Spoke with her over Sunday morning coffee and learned something new about me and her. In the conversation she said she felt what I was saying was unfair, she said she can’t help but talk so much cause she has adhd.. She also said she is negative because it has been a hard year, just as my hard year with my last living situation, when I was negative too so it was unfair of me to tell her her negativity was a problem. I explained that to vent about a struggle is ok with me, but when the negativity bleeds out into her constantly complaining about other things too, that was not something I wanted to handle. She got teary eyed. Claimed I was calling her out in public… we were in a cafe and few people around with headphones on. I told her, no this is not “public” and also even if a random person here heard us then who cares… this is way more important than that. She sort of broke down into tears, talking about it has been the hardest year of her life and she would try to recognize her negativity, she said she knew she was negative and that is why she has been less social lately.

• Days before meeting, I decided I would not give in to my minds thoughts all week, trying to plan every word. I decided I would try to use this situation to practice surrendering to life’s events and staying centered. I also told myself all I needed to know was that she was going to be aware of her negativity, I didn’t expect it to change over night, so when she admitted that I felt like that was all I could do, she is coming and we will see. The morning of our meeting, I did what gets me centered the most accurately, hot yoga. I met her at a cafe, one of my favorite places to stay centered. As she said those things above, I stayed quiet trying to reflect, I did not agree that I was all that negative to her last year, I kept most to myself and actually here with you Anita. I didn’t say this to her because I doubted myself, and still do, maybe I was negative to her and how can I deny that? I don’t have a perfect memory, and it would make sense since I was in a hard place with a very challenged third eye. When she said the thing about talking so much cause her therapist, when she was little, said she had adhd… I really wanted to roll my eyes. I know that letting your thoughts run away and talk talk talk, is manageable through mindfulness. But Again I didn’t say anything because I thought maybe she did have some condition, how can I tell her her talking is controllable if I am not in her body?…
• Today, 2 days later, I don’t really feel much better about her coming. The cafe was good for us though, in that she seemed to respect my presence and aspired to be more centered and positive too. And of course after I told her she talked too much she let me speak as much as I needed to and I was definitely able to express myself and felt like she was actively listening and I felt seen. I still don’t like how she just had all the excuses for talking so much, and also her negativity. I didn’t see that in the moment though, today I recognize all the excuses and wonder if anything will actually change at all.

There’s a similar topic, that this is a good example for, that I want to ask your thoughts on. Right now is a good example of a time where I don’t know whether to let go, or ask her not to come. I know I said before, maybe I need to drop my expectation of a relaxing trip and let life unfold how it will if I don’t step in and ask her not to come. When to take control and when to not, is really difficult for me to decipher at this stage of my spiritual growth.

“I read your recent posts about your boredom and restlessness, and what occurred to me is that you need the most- seems to me-  a  why”

– I have a why, for why I come to work, and why I do alot of other things I do. That boredom comes in for the last few hours of the day, yes I do need a why for that timing.

Seaturtle

Dear Roberta,

Hi! I am happy to hear from you again 🙂

“What kind of things do you want to do when you are in Palm Springs?”

I would like to relax by the pool, play tennis/pickle ball and yes I have visualized us having morning yoga.

“you could say to P that you want it to be a retreat with lots of silence and meditations and if that’s not her kind of thing you two could go out and something together on your return to celebrate your birthday. “

This is a good idea, and it will be part of my conversation with her. I have asked her before why she talks so much, and at first she got defensive and said it was untrue… but then she said silence makes her uncomfortable. I asked her why, but she didn’t have the self awareness to really consider it, she just rephrased the word “uncomfortable” and said “silence is awkward.” So I left it alone. So Perhaps telling her this trip will have LOTS of silence, will turn her off to it, or she will come and realize how much she actually talks, which I would be fine with that outcome as well haha.

Seaturtle

Helcat,

 “I really enjoyed talking to you. “

Ditto!! 🙂

“I hope you get some rest when you can and take extra special care of yourself. “

Yes I will, that is what today is for. I am going to try and rescue my orchid plant and maybe do some painting if I feel inspired.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“If I was you, I would kindly (find a way) dis-invite P so that you can spend a pleasant woo-hoo birthday weekend with your roommate.”

This is what I want to do, but I am afraid of losing P as a friend if I do that, that I would be being a bad friend, wouldn’t I be?

“1- disinviting her, 2- talking with her in a limited time and place context”

I will start with option 2 and go from there. I have a feeling she will get defensive and if she does, and cannot see her negative behavior and commit to working on it, then I will attempt to disinvite her. It would be easier if I could have a conversation with her and she could remove herself from the trip, with awareness that she is not in a good place that would add to an environment. If I were feeling drained and negative, I would not want to suck the life out of a friends birthday weekend. Worst case scenario is that she acknowledges it and says she will do her best and still wants to come… how to work with that is my next question.

I understand the concept of either letting go, trying to change it or removing myself, anything beyond that is insanity.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

” When you find yourself worried and ruminating about a situation, or a person, ask yourself if you can change the situation or the person in any way that’s objectively significant. If you can’t, ask yourself what’s the purpose of your ruminating.”

A current example I am actually ruminating is on one of my friends. I am not sure if it is the particular phase she is in, or if me entering this spiritual awakening journey has opened my eyes to a more permanent issue. My birthday is at the end of this month (Seaturtle turns 25! woo hoo 🙂 )  and my dads generous gift to me is a weekend at his palm springs home, where I can invite some girls, I have two friends I have been in contact with recently my roommate, and P, who I used to be closer with and her living in AZ is part of the reason I moved here! But ever since this guy she has been with, she is so negative, and she talks just so much, doesn’t allow a moment of silence. She cuts me off, I can hardly get a story out, I know way more about her life and minor inconveniences than she does about my personal life. She doesn’t listen when I talk she just waits to talk, and my patiences is falling away. In trying to be a good friend I have spent time with her and just allowed her to vent. But my birthday weekend in palm springs… is something I am finding myself wanting to control the energy of. My roommate is a good listener and in a much clearer headspace, fairly honest with herself and third eye definitely is fluttering open, my other friend, hers is closed, she lies to herself and excuses toxic behavior with her current partner. Out of habit I invited them both to palm springs, if I didn’t invite her it would have really hurt her feelings, but now I am finding myself want to have a talk with her about the things she says and how much she talks… my roommate has also pointed both of those things out but she has lots of patience, like me. Is this something that falls under my control? If so, do you have any advice on how to speak with her in a productive way/ an “objectively significant way? I know she has more potential, I have seen her third eye more open (I think, but this was before I started this deeper spiritual journey), it is certainly closed right now.

-In general, a good question, as I awaken my third eye and start to see people close to me in a more raw light, how do I manage it in a non-condescending way without allowing them to bring me down? Have you (anyone reading) experienced this?

Seaturtle