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Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships

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Viewing 15 posts - 526 through 540 (of 546 total)
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  • #431636
    seaturtle
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    ” (1) by using the word cleaning, do you mean that F referred to any sign of you (your words) such as your backpack, your shoes being .. dirt? If not, what did you mean by cleaning?”

    He called the conversations “house cleanings.” He said cleaning as if “clearing” the air. Or, clearing his perceived air… He used those times to get everything off his chest that I had done to not show gratitude, such as leaving my stuff out, a dish in the sink or not talking with him enough when he got home from work. At one point it also bled in to how I treated his girlfriend, I made a comment about age that I don’t remember and apparently it hurt her feelings and she told him, he told me I was unaware at those house cleanings, unaware of what might hurt his girlfriends feelings even, all the things I was “unaware” of.

    2) “we have to talk, there have just been too many things piling up. I just don’t understand why you do these things, why can’t you be more thoughtful of me. I have done all of this for you and you don’t even acknowledge it. You could acknowledge it by having a meal ready for me if you had free time, or at the very very least have your things cleared. Infact I think you should start to cook around here since you have so much freetime to sit around and watch your shows. That shouldn’t be too much of a sacrifice for you. (does she have any awareness? does she care about be at all? why doesn’t she understand how to be grateful, she must not even see what I am doing for her. But oh she’s crying, maybe she does have some emotional awareness, she sees that I am hurt and seems to understand and not want me to. maybe things will change). Let’s come up with a plan.”

    – his plans involved inspiring me to cook for him or clean, but the plan would always start to dwindle away, I think cause it wasn’t my true self, once the inspiration he temporarily gave me to care for him in this manicured way I would stop, then a month later would be the next house-cleaning. They were just about every 3 months.

    Seaturtle

    #431637
    seaturtle
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    On another note, I began a new topic in the Spirituality forum 🙂

    Seaturtle

    #431644
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Seaturtle:

    I didn’t yet read your new thread and am looking forward to it!

    I wrote to you: “particularly after reading N’s recent talk, I think that he is deceptive, deceiving himself and those who listen to him.”, and you replied to this quote with: “I agree with this.” This is important for my understanding, that you agree with this point.

    I wrote to you: “– caring for and listening to a deceptive man… makes the lid over the 3rd eye very heavy, heavier and heavier the longer you listen to him“,  and your response: “It truly, truly does… I agree, a waste of energy“! Okay, so we are on the same page.

    I want to use my life to be in a path to enlightenment… in seeking teachers I found two. But I would also like to have conversation with people about these things… trying to un-identify with my false selves. I also want to learn what blocks my chakras and how to unleash Shakti. Perhaps this is exactly what I should post“- connecting this to the deception topic, you are talking about continuing to un-identify with deception, removing it from your 3rd eye and from blocking/ interfering with any of your chakras. I want to continue to do the same in my life.

    In your reply to my first post this morning, you wrote: “He said cleaning as if ‘clearing’ the air….  to get everything off his chest that I had done to not show gratitude, such as leaving my stuff out, a dish in the sink or not talking with him enough when he got home from work… all the things I was ‘unaware’ of… ‘… why can’t you be more thoughtful of me. I have done all of this for you… (does she have any awareness? Does she care about be at all?…”-

    – this is what N has been harping on/ using to make you feel bad, with his past “you have no clue what love is” accusatory message, and with his most recent, “I just can’t get over how much of a selfish ass**** you are”. He’s been continuing your father’s abusive work: guilt tripping you, and re-sending you the same (false) accusatory messages.

    anita

    #431668
    seaturtle
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I wrote to you: “particularly after reading N’s recent talk, I think that he is deceptive, deceiving himself and those who listen to him.”, and you replied to this quote with: “I agree with this.” This is important for my understanding, that you agree with this point. 

    -This is something I have to remind myself, but I do believe and I was reminded when we were together. My thoughts still go back and forth, much less than before but every once in a while I get this thought that he was fixable, but it’s just a thought and I know that is all it is. He is deceptive, especially to himself.

    caring for and listening to a deceptive man… makes the lid over the 3rd eye very heavy, heavier”

    -It does, and I was reminded when I saw him again. Seeing him again would remind me again, but there is no point unless to get my stuff eventually or repay him. Just like alcohol and marijuana can rapidly close your third eye, so can N aka; a deceptive person. Now that I make that connection I see part of what kept me with N, a closed third eye why alot of people do drugs, right? He is a drug in this way.

    “connecting this to the deception topic, you are talking about continuing to un-identify with deception, removing it from your 3rd eye and from blocking/ interfering with any of your chakras. I want to continue to do the same in my life.”

    -Our third eyes are on the same page.

    “this is what N has been harping on/ using to make you feel bad…He’s been continuing your father’s abusive work: guilt tripping you, and re-sending you the same (false) accusatory messages.”

    -I am proud of my third eye not completely closing for the rest of my life with him. It was open just enough to know it didn’t want to always be close and to be with N, meant to close completely. A major turning point for me was also realizing I wanted an open third eye for my future kids, those exact words didn’t come to my mind but I knew on some level a relationship with him wouldn’t encourage my awake self for a family. I saw myself becoming my mom, with a closed third eye.

    -Hopefully instead of there being alot of damage to my heart, done by two men sending it the same message, hopefully instead is a heightened awareness as to what it feels like to have someone close your third eye, so I can steer clear! There is probably a little bit of both, new damage and new awareness.

    Seaturtle

    #431671
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Seaturtle: I will read and reply here and in your new thread in the next 24-48 hours.

    anita

    #431673
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Seaturtle:

    Every once in a while, I get this thought that he was fixable, but it’s just a thought and I know that is all it is. He is deceptive, especially to himself“-every once in a while, you want to help him. Every once in a while, he wants to hurt you.

    Just like alcohol and marijuana can rapidly close your third eye, so can N aka; a deceptive person“- loving a deceptive person who tries to hurt you every once in a while, closes one’s third eye.

    Our third eyes are on the same page“- (2 3rd eyes on 1 page emoji)

    A major turning point for me was also realizing I wanted an open third eye for my future kids… I saw myself becoming my mom, with a closed third eye“- part of the preparation to being a good mother.

    anita

    #431688
    seaturtle
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I acknowledge everything you said in your last post.

    Seaturtle 🙂

    #431825
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Seaturtle

    I finally caught up to the break up. You really have been through a lot in recent months. COVID, a hurt knee and the surgery ontop of a difficult break up! You’ve been through so much, it’s nice to see you starting to heal and come out of the other side.

    Would you like to hear my thoughts about the relationship and breakup? If you don’t want to at the moment, if you do in the future you can leave a message and let me know in the event that you do.

    Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

    #432117
    anita
    Participant

    This Sunday evening is the concluding 25-year-old birthday weekend of a gen-z/ millennial Sea Turtle,

    H A P P Y      B I R T H D A Y,    S E A     T U R T L E!

    anita

    #432190
    seaturtle
    Participant

    Dear Helcat,

    “I finally caught up to the break up. You really have been through a lot in recent months. COVID, a hurt knee and the surgery ontop of a difficult break up! You’ve been through so much, it’s nice to see you starting to heal and come out of the other side.”

    I so appreciate your catching up with my story ❤

    “Would you like to hear my thoughts about the relationship and breakup?”

    Thank you for asking! I would like to hear your thoughts. Part of me is afraid to hear something I don’t want to but I value self awareness and growth over a bruised ego. So yes please, tell me your perspective.

    Seaturtle

    #432191
    seaturtle
    Participant

    Anita!!

    Again thank you for the birthday wishes ❤️

    When is your birthday?

    #432248
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Seaturtle

    I would encourage you to tell me if there is ever anything that hurts your feelings. It is certainly not my intent.

    I appreciate your kind heart Seaturtle. You are a truth seeker!

    From my perspective, the two of you were incompatible. He faced challenges being homeschooled and with his own trauma. And you faced your own challenges with yours. It’s sad that he didn’t accept you fully. I think you saw that from your very first thread. And you tried for a long time to give him a chance because you are a kind open minded person who is considerate of others. You accepted his trauma, but what you couldn’t accept was not being fully accepted yourself. Quite rightfully so! You are beautiful soul who deserves to be fully accepted!!!

    Your ex made the mistake of lending money when he wasn’t truthful about his feelings about it. I believe that he even had difficulty paying bills at one point. No doubt part of him wanted to be chivalrous and help, but part of him worried about finances and he was resentful.

    A lot of people are weird about lending money. It can cause problems in all kinds of relationships if the person isn’t 100% on board and willing to never see that money again. I’m sure that you would have paid him back over time when you could had things not gone horribly wrong during the break up. He sunk that ship by treating you badly.

    Initially, the break up went well but it was sad to see that he became aggressive and you took a great deal of punishment from him because you felt guilty for leaving him. You shouldn’t feel guilty or take punishment for doing the right thing for you. That voice that was questioning the health of the relationship was spot on, so in the future I would pay attention to that voice. You have some good instincts.

    He had one useful point during the initial part of the break up. But it was phrased pretty poorly. So I’m going to change the wording and kind of get to the essence of one thing he struggled with. He felt like you get hurt a lot. It became difficult to keep track of trying to help you with your feelings.

    I think other partners in the future could easily have similar difficulties with that. However, I don’t think they would necessarily react in the same way and he reacted poorly.

    This is something that I also had difficulty with in relationships because of my trauma. Something that I had to learn was that not every time I felt hurt was someone else’s fault. I had to learn to manage my own triggers and emotions. I also learned to phrase things so that my partner didn’t feel blamed for my feelings when triggered. I would say this has nothing to do with you but, I’m feeling this way right now because of my trauma. It helped my partner to be able to comfort me without feeling blamed.

    That being said, there are times when things are still issues for example, everyone has preferences in relationships and it is healthy to communicate them and negotiate between parties how you would like a relationship to be. And there are times when people do things that are genuinely hurtful. It is honestly a delicate balance, one which I’m sure that you will find a balance with in your own time.

    A fear you had is that your trauma would be too much in future relationships. I don’t think that will be the case. Trauma can cause ongoing problems, (I still struggle with it during conflict to this day) but you are an empathetic, caring person on an amazing journey of self discovery. You will learn to handle it all with grace. You will meet each challenge and conquer it!

    If there are things that you disagree with, you are a courageous strong Seaturtle please feel free to speak your mind. I would like you to express your feelings about my thoughts. It is your life and your relationship. You are the expert in you! I can definitely be wrong!

    Love and best wishes! 🙏❤️

    #432490
    seaturtle
    Participant

    Dear Helcat,

    I braced myself before reading, but then found nothing I disagreed with. I have been working on validating myself and not looking to others to validate me, but when I respect someone as much as I do you, it is harder. I feel very validated right now.

    I completely agree, he gave money that he then held resent for later. I am realizing now, because of him, that some people give disingenuously. Unfortunately I learned this lesson with N, too late. My roommate actually, amongst many great qualities is this same way. It is on a much smaller scale of money, she will say “I got it” and pay for my drink then weeks later bring it up when I ask her for wifi money that we share… I recently changed my outlook on money with her and keep it cut and dry, if she says “I got it” I still hand her the money. I find this behavior dishonest but I learned from N the mistake of believing them. I also believe N started to stress about not enough money, but didn’t share this with me until it was too late.

    I also agree and no longer believe my trauma is too much for future relationships. I trust my ability to grow from it and actually give me more compassion for other’s trauma. I admit that in the relationship I blamed N for things that were my trauma, not him, but before I ended things I had began apologizing for that. Since I came to this forum months before the breakup and learned my trauma projections, I re-phrased myself to him saying “I am hurting right now and it is not because of you, but I am asking for your support.” He did not understand that concept, and believed I was being weak and emotional. Hence the incompatibility.

    Thank you for your analysis Helcat, it brought me peace this morning 🙂

    Seaturtle

    #432519
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Seaturtle

    I’m glad that you feel validated and my message brought you peace. I can honestly see all of the hard work you have been doing even since you started writing here. That’s impressive to put so much work in, over a relatively short period.

    Thank you for your kind message. I have a lot of respect for you too! I know that sometimes the things I suggest can be challenging. I find that challenges can lead to personal growth. It isn’t always easy though. I don’t ever wish to hurt you.

    Something that I will have to be mindful of is taking my time and not just shooting off a quick message with things like that. It’s difficult to balance when I’m busy sometimes.

    I cannot reiterate enough that if your feelings are ever hurt. I would like for you to tell me, so I can apologise.

    Well done on spotting that same money issue pattern in others and figuring out the best way to handle it for you!

    It is unfortunate when people stress over things and don’t share it, keeping it hidden. You aren’t a mind reader though. It’s not your fault. You’re a very reasonable person and would choose to help with any difficulties.

    I have actually noticed that you handle conflict well.

    I’m glad to hear that you are trusting yourself! That is really incredible that you managed to move past that behaviour. Congratulations! That is no easy feat.

    It’s a shame that he had that view of emotion = weakness. It is very hard to grow and live like that.

    I think you’re a very strong person to have been through what you have. I agree that trauma can lead to compassion for other people’s difficulties.

    I would like to share something that I have learned recently during arguments with my partner. If that is okay?

    He felt like he wasn’t being listened to and that he wasn’t being heard. He repeated this throughout our relationship but no matter how I listened that feeling never went away. Recently, he started opening up more and explaining what he actually needed me to do.

    I have difficulty with treating people with empathy during a conflict if I feel like I am being treat poorly. I get defensive when I feel like I’m being “attacked” for lack of better words.

    He asked for me not to shut down and to try and stay present and engage with empathy even when he makes mistakes in communication during conflict. He asked for me to acknowledge when he had done things right at other times, when I give feedback about what is going wrong. He also asked for me to validate his feelings. To acknowledge his feelings are valid even when they aren’t my fault. I’ve been working hard to try to integrate these changes and it has been helping. I’m going to give an example of this new style of communication I’ve developed during a disagreement.

    “I can understand why you feel like you aren’t being heard or listened to during disagreements. I’m sorry for making you feel that way, it was not my intent. I never want to make you feel that way. I think that you feel like this when we disagree and have different perspectives. It hurts me when you yell during arguments which is something that happens when you feel like you’re not being heard. You worked really hard to manage this and when it wasn’t happening during every disagreement it felt like it wasn’t on purpose. I’m not asking for perfection. You are a loud person and passionate person when communicating in general, but if you could work on managing it so it could be like that again that would be really helpful.”

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

     

    #432631
    seaturtle
    Participant

    Dear Helcat,

    It certainly is unfortunate when people stress about things and don’t share, because we aren’t mind readers. It sounds like your partners ability to express how he needs you to be there for him, speaks to an emotional intelligence/ self awareness that my partner lacked.

     “I’m sorry for making you feel that way, it was not my intent.”

    – It is amazing how validating this can be to say to a partner, I can imagine it being said to me in moments of feeling hurt and it would have meant everything to me to see that he could see I was in pain.

    – I have so much appreciation for the way you and your partner speak to eachother.

    -I will let you know if what you analyze/ say about me ever feels misplaced. I do my best to decide for myself when something someone says is truly about me, or about them.

     

    Seaturtle

     

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