Hi Anita, I dont know what happened but the last 3 posts i made were repeating because it did not seem to save since your post of 11:54pm 22 April. Now i see them all apppearing so it sounds very repetitive.

Your thoughts that i was in fact the jealous one growing up don´t ring true to me at all. I can only tell you what i felt but of course, without the other people you would never get a full picture.

I told you my examples with my sister because you asked.  She is very self involved by example of her behaviour i think. Yes i think i would like her life. So perhaps i am jealous of her. But that makes it even more galling that she should feel resentment at me. I have nothing to be jealous of. Yes she said that she found my relationship with my parents was unhealthy, i think she meant at one time i spent a lot of time with them….but she lives in a different world. Its not the same where i am and its easy to judge looking in. A lot of my foreign friends left…because they couldnt find work they liked or meet guys..its that simple. Because of my family being here i had more support and now i can´t afford to move because income is low where i am.

The workplace issues seem to have come up in my writing because obviously they are a big part of my life…that is being torn to shreds by a manipulative person, this family member who is taking over the business. It hurts…i am processing the feelings that i have to just walk away, accept defeat and have nothing to show for the many hours of extra work i put in early on when the business was small, the ideas i had were not even considered, i am a nothing to them and colleagues have agreed this is the case. The family member joined us just as the business turned and became successful.

I know, this generation says ” you were stupid to offer extra from yourself…you are the loser” but i dont believe that. I believe that karma will come for those who hurt and deliberately betray others for their own gain. I have to believe this to not just give up altogether.

Am i jealous of other people now? SURE! i wish i had money, job security,  i wish i had someone who loved me, i wish i had autonomy and that people respected me, i wish that i could go out and not feel like people are constantly out to get me. I have no idea what its like to feel secure in my life…to build a family with someone is just way beyond me. I wouldnt trust them now…it just wont be as lovely and as innocent as some women´s experience of love.

I didnt feel that way when i was a kid and when i was young. But what lasts is that i mostly got burned by people i trusted or loved. Even walking on the street sometimes people will start laughing as i approach them so that i go to look in the mirror what is wrong…there is never anything there. I must have a funny looking expression or something. But i was always told by my mother and by other women i knew, friends and strangers, that people were jealous of the way i looked…guys have always said i looked good in the past…its all i can go on.Maybe they were lying?

Im not bragging because if anything, id say beautiful women are the most unhappy because so much is put on them. You are expected to be MORE humble, MORE kind etc. You get kicked harder if you do anything people dont like. And certainly, in a foreign country i feel that i am targeted a lot because women here are very jealous and possessive. They don´t like foreign women at all. men think you are good for one thing. And that has certainly been the case for me. Ive been treated as an object by at least one boyfriend. And no guy has ever approached me here to ask me out….only my ex.. the only one.

I feel its a taboo. To say that. People think you are lucky. They don´t know that you are walking around with pills in your pocket to make you feel you have a way out if it gets too bad…i did that years ago, when i first arrived here. I thought, if anything hurt too much, id have a way out and it made me feel better. I know i looked much prettier then but i was really starving thin too because i was suffering…guys like that model look, my ex did, they have no idea and dont care if you are ill.

Trying to turn my way of thinking around seems like an impossible task. Im here in my misery and thats it. I can´t change that people dont want to talk to me offhand. I cant change that i am still shy and dont go out enough. I cant change what happened to me. I thought i could start by not thinking constantly about my ex but as i said….he was the only guy to notice me and make the effort to know me and i really mean that. How can i believe that other guys may have noticed me but been too scared to approach me? What if they just didnt notice me? What if i am just too messed up for anyone to like me and stay?

Hi Anita,  My friends are in a similar situation to me…one was cheated on in maybe a worse way, both have kids. Meeting guys is near impossible, there are no guys around here you would want to date. Or, they are not interested because there are lots of younger women.

With my ex it is strange. It should be a closed door. But i feel in my bones its not. Ive said before there is some kind of connection, once before i suddenly had a strong urge to see him and was missing him…and then his car drove past me. Things like that have happened before. Yesterday feeling strongly i wanted my colleague to get rid of the house….and in the afternoon she informed me he had sold it.

I wanted to start saying that my sister didnt take from me but in fact she has. One reason i fell out with her (now more than 6 months i think) is because while she stayed with us…longer than expected due to Covid….she had borrowed some clothes and then returned them…one was torn, I dont think anything was washed, another she took with her and left me with 3x plastic bags full of clothes she had bought at a charity shop and told me to ” give them back to charity or choose what you want”. Alongside this she had hardly paid for anything during her 3 month stay, my parents paid most times but other times it was me…when she gets home she always says she and her partner are making good money and taking trips etc.

I am a single income, not well off individual. But she arrogantly thinks our parents will just take care of me and dismisses any criticism. I feel this is repressed anger from her childhood. She felt i got more than her, things and especially love.

Growing up my sister was remote, not involved and sullen. Into adulthood my parents complained they hadnt heard from her, i certainly never heard from her…then in the last few years…she has a partner and a child, they have a business and things are tough but getting successful. Since having her daughter she now wants more contact with our parents..but its the same again, it has to be on her terms. My parents tell me sometimes they dont get to see the grandchild but its withheld like a pawn. My sister is craving the love she feels is missing. I sometimes feel my mother is unfeeling but i also see, my sister feels its never fair, or enough. She has had the same feelings about friends of hers, when she falls out she can be vicious about them.

I noticed the last time she was visiting, that she was determined to have the last word..certainly authoritative about her child. It has to be about her. Ironically enough, its very similar to our mother. Who mostly gets her way at home and is angry if she doesnt. My sister is turning out to be the same. They are both able to be very charming but also have a terrible temper.

In a way my ex´s behaviour was similar. Self centered behaviour, entitlement and a temper if they don´t get their voice heard. One of the last things he said when we were splitting up was that he didn´t want to end up like my parents…but i always felt he was like my mother, which means he hates himself! Maybe growing up with all this made his behaviour normal to me.

I know and knew he wasn´t mine.

He didnt want that. When we discussed a commitment he just avoided it. and yet he was very jealous. In the early days he went away on holiday without me, it was a guys trip he had planned for a while. I know he missed me terribly and when he came back he had brought me a ring. It was like an engagement ring and i wore it but he refused to call it that.  He said no, “its a promise ring” and i would get angry with him. He even told his old neighbours and various other people he knew that we were getting married, but not to his close friends or family. It was teasing something that i really wanted at the time. The ring was burning a hole in my hand..i wanted to be proud to wear it but..i felt ashamed for my need to get married when it was clear he couldnt offer it. And i felt ashamed for being weak because i loved him.

Eventually we had an argument where i thrust it back at him and in an angry reaction he threw it away…god knows what he was thinking my reaction would be to all this teasing.

Maybe he was so afraid of commitment himself that he was going through the motions to see how it felt…i just dont know. His father had left his mother when he was 15 and i know it affected him very much because life changed, probably a lot. I think his father was a cheater and a charmer too. I think he struggled to get his attention.

I felt equally commitment-phobic about marriage. My previous relationship had gone downhill after a “romantic” proposal and i felt a dreaded sense of responsibility washing over me. I didnt expect to feel such revulsion to it and realised that i couldnt just get by on feeling “comfortable” when i didnt love him. I couldn´t even wear the ring, somehow it felt like a sentence and felt really uncomfortable. I felt owned. I was never the girl who would dream of her wedding, not at all.

But with this guy…i still was not into weddings but i wanted a commitment with him..he knew it but just couldn´t do it.

There were many times he asked me if i was seeing someone else….just like my sister it seems, the love i gave him just was never enough to satisfy his insecurities. Maybe i was too cool in showing it..and im more reserved publicly…i think he wanted to see adoration to show his friends, to show off…but ive no doubt at all they saw that.  He didnt, so he kept looking for others to show him what was lacking from me.

As i write this i know, im still right there. Nothing seems to budge this feeling of connection. I feel like i need to sleep with someone just for the sake of it. I don´t want to.

I just read again what i wrote and the 2nd paragraph to be clear is about my ex…not about the co worker! I dont seem to be making much sense im so in my head.

Hi Anita,

I´m not so comfortable with the idea of medications, when i took them previously i was on (at first) 20mg of an anti depressant. Not a very high level i think. I just felt really nothing for a long time. It numbed the edges of acute pain and everything went very flat, no highs or lows.

The acute reaction i had this time was much shorter than previous times. I feel the hurt, pain, i feel suicidal and desperate, i cry and then it evens off into nothing.  i feel fairly numb and flat even without taking meds. Im worried that taking meds will make me “disappear” into a fog. And once you are on them…doctors want you to stay on them at least a year.

The betrayal i felt this time. i dont know. I still held some hope he was interested in me. And i was conflicted by it because i knew it was wrong but its hard to erase. When he confirmed he was still seeing someone and then told me where she worked i just felt blindsided. Another type of betrayal. And the sting of suddenly being aware that all this time she was probably keeping an eye on me and my work…its creepy. It felt like she had personally attacked me, like it was nothing to do with him.

I want to know how to deal with the intense rage i felt….it seems to me i could have walked over to her office and thrown a brick through the window, i pictured dragging her by her hair…i felt so violent towards her. But luckily it has lasted only about 24hrs. I must admit, the work situation has kept me preoccupied anyway.

I go through phases of hating him and focusing on new things and work, to going through phases of fantasy, missing him and thinking he misses me. That is a problem, letting go. It is also because of the way he was on the phone before. He was flirtacious, asking if i was with somebody…he always asked that. He mentioned a guy at my work who i dont remember telling him about. He seems jealous. But that is quite possible…if he is that kind of person who wants to have all the girls…and keep them, its possible he is happy that i am alone and missing him. When we were together there really was a kind of electrical field of communication, a heightened sense of being on each others´mind, i would think of him and he would call etc. When these kind of things happen its very hard to forget it.

I want to know how to find a light at the end of the tunnel. Find peace.

Within the last few days since this happened, a lot of other things have gone wrong…i feel sometimes like i am being pushed over the edge of a cliff constantly. Im tired of seeing other people´s success when i know i have worked hard or harder than they have. Its like i feel my happiness and success is just an impossible dream.

Hi Anita,

I think im in a negative spiral. Probably starting with that whole pattern from childhood….being the loser so that others can win. Finding that im happier seeing someone else smile than worrying about my own loss, misfortune or wishes. I dont know how to fix that because i said, i expect disasters where they are not. This may be a learned behaviour. But i find it really hard to believe that i have ended up so messed up and alone when i see and hear about people around me who seem to be much worse…but attract someone.

From your questions:

(1.) This was the first relationship that was so chaotic. earlier relationships were much softer, with no extremes.

(2.) I don´t believe i suffer from mood swings…but i know i suffer/suffered from depression. I had a nervous breakdown some years before, while i was in another relationship. It was due to a pressurized job where i felt i was overloaded.  I was crying so much one night and couldnt stop. It was a shock to the system to be unable to function. My partner was supportive but we ended up growing apart as i became depressed after and i felt a lot of failure that it didnt work out as i had no plan b. Change is not something easy for me but i left my home, my relationship, my job and the country i had lived in for some years…my parents had to support me and it was during the crisis years.

My general mood has always been more subdued than upbeat…more calm than happy. I was shy as a child and teenager. I studied art. I notice that for some people i come across depressed. But to me depression is something way worse.

..my last partner, who im writing about, did seem to have moments of anger. He would seem to get mad about something and nothing and could be vicious in what he said. He seemed to get mad in the kitchen and in the car..i dont know why. When i cried he seemed to get angrier and the first time that happened i was shocked. Usually if you love someone, you don´t want to see them in pain ..he wasn´t like that…the arguments would usually escalate. He threatened to leave me on the highway, he threatened to call the police. He called me names and asked me to leave ( i was living with him).

Over the last 3 years my work has increasingly become more and more stressful. Its a small company and a family member was brought in. This guy is now to the point where he appears to have almost total control, even over the boss, i am told she planned to eventually hand the company to him but she is not that old. Its horrible to watch and he is demeaning to those older colleagues who have worked there longer and with more experience. I understand… i should just leave…but again, im afraid to leave what i know and i feel like im always forced out, why should i go? But I feel stuck and angry about decisions they make and that makes me feel rage. So yeah, that could count as a mood changer.

Only just today they have stolen a sale from a colleague which will affect one of my best clients…this means my reputation is affected. These take years to build trust and minutes to destroy. But he will make a lot of money and simply says its good for the company and he will look good. The boss argued against me and is completely blind. I think i HAVE to leave.

I keep telling myself karma will do something to them but nothing happens, i am the one who is punished more and more. He appears to enjoy demeaning me, as i dont speak the language perfectly..he enjoys showing me expensive things he has bought as though id be impressed, and shows off at our meetings about things he has sold…its really obnoxious. I am told by others that he and his wife do not have a great reputation.

(3.) To a certain extent that is true. I have mostly feelings of failure, that im struggling so much in life. Ive taught myself a lot of the skills i have but dont find i get support or guidance. But ive had moments of feeling im better than others. I feel sometimes i have to believe that i am a god like figure to get past the injustices and hardships i have had. Some of the people i work with have little experience of the world and can come across to me very arrogant, because they are comfortable in their home and their place. I always feel i can learn from others but i dont think thats the case for some people.

(4) Im not sure i have any impulsive behaviours….im trying hard not to drink but thats about it.

(5) yes, i generally feel that way….i used to study art, it would involve keeping journals and drawing or painting….i havent been able to pick any of that back up in years. Ive done other things like knitting, renovations, taking photographs…but i cant seem to get started on projects it takes a mindset that i feel i dont have time for anymore.

My ex was demanding in that he expected from me, that i would also function as his assistant in his work..i did it because i loved him but he really abused it. At first when i was living with him it was like we were working towards the same goal but later i came to see i was serving a purpose for him. That he had no intentions of settling down with me and sharing.

I think in work i was referring to another colleague who was and is incredibly difficult to work with. She is highly demanding and basically needs a secretary to abuse. Ive told the boss to get her one and stop bothering me but they wont. Both her and this other guy are basically awful to deal with. When i say abuse, i mean; putting you down in front of clients, teasing in meetings and pointing out mistakes that lead back to you, calling persistently and then saying she has to go and hanging up, complaining in front of the boss if you told her to do something, so that the boss turns round and says `from now on we´ll do it the way she wants´, on occasion she would throw things at me or say some swear word to me…etc. She has had arguments with everyone in the company and i have a very weak boss. Ive recently changed my role so im not dealing so much directly with her but she still asks for stuff.

BUT somehow i also get on with her because she can be funny, we know each other quite well and can share a joke, she is able to be empathetic and kind…  i find it sad because i like her but she wont change…..same type of thing with the boyfriend right?

I started really getting into star signs some years ago ironically from the woman he first cheated with (spirtual healer and tarot reader) i started reading tarot and got totally obsessed with it, just reading my sign. My colleague is Libra like my mother and they are very similar in character, we get on really well until we dont then theres a big fallout. The boyfriend is Gemini and is certainly two-faced and has the energy of 7 people, always changing where he lives and who he is with. I am a Scorpio. I cant help being attracted to these energies but they are destructive.

Hi Anita,

It was you who helped me last time, im very grateful that this was here to help as i didnt know where to turn.

My ex is not a realtor himself but his current girlfriend is. He has several properties and when they met, it seems she listed them. We were still together at that time and i am also in realestate, so i was hurt and confused as to why he did that. He told me at the time that he had gotten a special deal with her, that i couldn´t list them. It´s all very sordid.

I think from an early age i learned that, if i had gained something, others were jealous and that always made me feel bad. I really didn´t like it if someone was left out so i remember early on, saying self depreciating things. My sister has always been jealous of what i had, she has never come out and said anything about it but i know if i made more money and had more success she would not be happy. She in fact is more successful than me.

I think she always felt our parents loved me more. But she never talks about her feelings, there are only clues on few occasions, spiteful stabs at my mom or me when there is an argument. When she had a birthday and was newly single she came over with her old best friend from highschool, i brought my ex and was in a really happy state, i felt i was shining. She was really unhappy at that time. Her friend turned to her and said “uh, nothings changed here i see”. I realised it was a stab at myself and felt bad.

When i was a teenager my closest friend was very jealous.I loved horses and she got her parents to buy her one. A boyfriend i got was seemingly the one she wanted. She developed anorexia and one day in her bedroom she cried and said it was because of me and then couldnt explain why. but of course i felt so bad and ashamed. I think i recall her taking a photo of me for an art project where she did my makeup. I had a photo in my art book, i looked at it and the eyes had been scratched out…i don´t know who did it but guessed it was her. in our 20s i lived with her a short while to start working and met a roommate of hers, she told me that his sister in law had wanted her to get with him. My work was not as high powered as hers and she enjoyed telling me all of her successes, if i had something good happen she was silent. I eventually blocked her out of my life because i realised whenever i saw her, she made me feel bad.

Its hard to really want someone to like you. And to not be enough for others. I was with that guy several years, he proposed but it was not a fit, his family really didnt like me that much. They all had high powered jobs. She was right.

When i was a kid i remember looking at my sister´s friendships and being envious of that, they seemed so cool but they were older and i think that is normal. When i got with my last ex boyfriend i think i looked up to him in that way. Both of them made friends easily, they were popular. I was shy and self conscious. When i made friends, they seemed to focus a lot on my looks in the beginning.

What is also interesting is that only a few years ago, i achieved something amazing, my first home and renovation..my mother never wanted to come and see it. When she did finally, she seemed sulky and attributed the success to her suggestions.  I have done two renovations and she had the same reaction. I felt completely deflated.

I will say that i am “aware” of when i am feeling successful and confident and beautiful, when it feels like it is radiating out of me…and i feel that is dangerous, because bad things happen, i attract unhappy comments, unhappy people who feel its unfair somehow.