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sossi

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  • in reply to: abusive people are hurt people… #386432
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Im rewriting a lot again. I dont want to complain so much, i want to learn to be better.

    The trouble with what matters: of course it matters. We ALL want our family to be a cohesive unit. None of us set out to have relatives who wont talk. My ex used to tell me about a feud he had with his sister, she had taken her part of the inheritance and the others sold their part to her (their fathers house) on the premise she would not sell it, but she did. My ex had not seen or spoken to her in years. These things cut so deep.

    My parents have always been close to me and yet, at the same time, my mother IS a narcissist. She does manipulate and make problems for us. She is currently not talking to me for an unknown reason. Its hurtful, its cruel and a mother should take the high road but my mom was never much like others..my sister and her did not get on when younger. Now, at a huge distance from each other, they message every day but in person, there are always sparks.

    I would love to be able to tell everyone to F off, but that would not be very mature. There´s long term damage at this point in your life, you can do that when you are young. Everything in my life has been absolutely reverse of what is normal!

     

    in reply to: abusive people are hurt people… #386410
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita, I know what you are saying…ive looked for other jobs but they seem to be similar, . I seriously looked at another company about 6 months ago but it was just too much of a risk at the time to make the move. I just wasnt sure id make any money because of Covid.

    But i know have to leave this job because my boss doesnt respect anything i do and honestly seems either jealous or angry with me for i dont know what.

    Ive already been on sick leave before this and that was when i applied for the other job. The main problem for me is the language barrier, i can get by but im not as fluent as people demand..truth is, others will attest, when you live in a foreign country, they will never find your language good enough, its a matter of pride to find some fault. There is another foreign language i speak fluently but im still not accepted there either! However everyone thinks they can speak english, even when they cant.

    Ive had previous experience of workplace bullying by my boss, so now of course i assume its all me, my fault. I think back then it started because i never objected but tried to do everything. i always said no problem, my workload increased and increased..eventually i was struggling, i asked for help and my boss told me no, repeatedly. i suffered a mental breakdown and was on sick leave for almost a year..my boss suffered a stroke and i think its likely he blamed me, he probably thought i would make a lawsuit but i was too sick for a long time. We had been going through a huge double audit, i was given a lot of extra work, unpaid, because he had fired an assistant we had. It was unfair on me but no one cared, i was part of a machine and i was a young woman. I emerged from the smoke with shattered self esteem and no chance to go further, i was given a job in a quiet corner out of harms way, people looked at me strangely and kept away. At the time i knew that part of my road to success was over. The job i was given was unfulfilling and eventually i quit when i couldnt stand any more, unfortunately it was right in the downturn of the economy and i ended up spending 2 years on employment benefits applying and never finding anything. I developed an anxiety about not having a job, understandably. I stayed in a depression but was lucky enough to find free therapy where i lived.

    As a result of my past experiences, giving up my job is a scary prospect because i never got the self esteem back, i feel people dont really want me or respect me. When i have complained to my parents that i cant keep going on they are anxious that i dont quit more than anything else. So then i feel guilty and just keep going.

    Today was a truly awful day, clients complaining left and right, somehow all involving me in some way but not my fault…and then the meeting as well. its so frustrating when i am doing my best to meet everyone elses needs.  It could be the moon and mercury retrograde for sure. But i just wish whatever it is would stop beating me up as it seems to target me every time.

    If i could, i would leave straight away but i honestly dont know what to do, i dont have any savings..the life here sucks it up fast mainly because i live alone, it costs more. I could try and get a room mate. Other than that the only thing i could do would be to sell my apartment.

    I want, for my colleagues to say something about this treatment. Its not right. I want my boss to realise her double standards. Just before i go, i want to make a really big sale…so that i can show them im good at what i do. I keep trying but it just happens to someone else instead. Im always struggling.

    in reply to: abusive people are hurt people… #386406
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Another really awful day today, again, out of the blue. Why is this happening?

    we had an office zoom meeting in the morning..it was hard to get motivated for it as its the end of summer so we are really feeling it, people have been so demanding this year. The young girl who replaced me in my old job has been working less than 6 months, she has been leading our weekly office meetings (when i did it i was interrupted, disagreed with and talked down to! by colleagues AND boss) but this girl is more street and local and she gets less stress than i did. Somewhere in the middle of the meeting she started to ask what to do about giving clients to….me (name) as though i was not right there? because, she explained, she thought some clients talk really fast (in her native language)..and maybe they would not want to work with me….there was a silence. She seemed to suggest i couldn´t handle the enquiries because of the language barrier (im not greatly fluent sometimes i struggle and as for help) but it came across as really racist to me. She is young and full of confidence, perhaps she thought she could single me out, being the only foreigner and everyone would agree with her authority? My boss as usual said nothing but looked sulky.By the way, we have to be able to speak english too..i hardly hear her speak it, she doesnt say much…so i guess she is not that fluent but wouldnt you know it, no one cares about that.

    I found myself, yet again, after 7 years experience, defending my position and my work, which is proven with receipts. The large majority of our clients speak other languages and communicate in English but this is an issue of national pride that has always been a nerve. I laughed and said then we should then count the clients whose language i can speak as mine (i speak 3 languages more or less fluently) Once again it was ME who had to stand up and defend herself for standing out physically and culturally.

    Later after the meeting i asked why this issue was raised and she said it was her idea and then got passive aggressive saying i took it the wrong way. Then she apologised. Two colleagues came to my defense and the rest stared blankly and said nothing. The whole time during our meeting i also received an irate call from a client 2x and this lost me a listing because a colleague had been sloppy.

    I was so angry and upset that i couldnt even see my screen straight, i had to keep working through my frustration and anger.

     

    Throughout this summer i have worked SO hard that sometimes i cry at the end of the day, i wish i was joking. I have developed chronic back and arm pains from desk work, when i have a minute, i take my dog for the walks she needs so often or i eat at my computer while working.

    I have no one to help, i just have to do it.

    How do i get out of this black hole? I cant work this hard for ever because i know it would kill me, i already feel suicidal from this pace, from the miserable feelings i have. I feel trapped because i literally cant seem to make enough although i have 2 jobs. Younger generations are so much smarter, they know more…i just feel tired and beaten. We are getting a new colleague we are told, i saw her, she is very young so will have plenty of energy..instead of help and support, we are threatened with losing our jobs.

    I dont know what to do…i need someone to recognize that what happened was wrong! i feel everyone looks the other way.

    in reply to: abusive people are hurt people… #386276
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Like you say, sometimes i need to vent when things are dramatic or just too much. I dont know what it is..do i complain too much, if i do, how do i handle the difficulties. I had a really tough August.  Other people have partners to talk to, people to confide in, i dont have anyone. I think my home situation is also harder because my dog is a really difficult situation, she needs 4x walks a day and constant entertainment or she goes crazy and chews everything..on top of my day job and side job its almost too much i have to try and stay on top of it all. Ive torn myself apart thinking of giving her up, she´s all i have. It just feels too hard.

    Ive no idea what my mother has issues with out of the blue..i really dont…i even thought that maybe this is the beginning of dementia. A client of mine has been dealing with his wife in that situation and told me she gets very aggressive and accusatory. But it just hurts all the same, all the accusations, it reminded me of my ex…who did something very similar on a regular basis. I used to cry a lot, i dont cry at all now. Call it a safeguard not having anyone. But i saw the comparisons then between the two people, now im frightened to meet anyone new, what if they are like them? What if i can only be attracted to someone that cruel? I can´t wish hell on my mother, but i believe in karma taking its toll, i believe it will for those who cause pain.

    Meanwhile and unfortunately i have a father who is very weak and will not stand up to my mother. When any conflict arose he would take her side, no matter what. We talked about therapy some years ago when she had a serious depression about her health and he did nothing. He wont go against her wishes, its a very twisted relationship and impossible to change.

    My older sister, with who i have a strained relationship.. is at a safe distance in the states with her family of 3 and she keeps a very close eye on my mom, calling every day with messages. She continues to tell our parents that she wants to buy a house where we live (a second home). And has repeatedly pushed for over 10 years for money to get this.  She had a chance to move over where we are but instead met her partner, had a kid, opened a business and they are doing well. But she always wants a lot more and i think she worked out that at a distance, she can manipulate better. I always thought we had a good relationship, but since she had a child, she changed a lot and now she is overbearing to the point of obnoxious, correcting me on things in conversation, being competitive etc.

    We fell out last year because she always abuses us when she stays, never has money (despite saying she is doing great) and always borrows clothes then leaves them in a mess when she goes. I think its meant to be some signal of her feelings from the past, she never talks about her feelings but i dont care anymore, its disrespectful. Now she doesnt speak to me but still tells our parents she plans to buy something here. Im not sure why she would want to be near except for the idea she might have control of any inheritance (which wont be much). i reached a limit with her behaviour, especially since she is now a mom.  I was always the one in the family, to smooth things, to take the high road. But now im waiting for her better nature ( for over a year).  To be honest..i feel my sister always resented me, she is the older child but has always felt the grass was greener for someone/anyone else, she has had a nice life.

    I just feel so bitter and angry. All of these assholes giving me grief when i have always been there for them! my own family and also friends. There is something i have to change. Im tired of hearing that its the moon, or that people are just funny…NO! some people are just plain awful.. and think that you are never going to say anything or change. Im tired of people taking me for granted.

     

     

    in reply to: I need to write this pain away- ex hang ups #382754
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Holidays are kind of strange for me…i dont know what to do. Im really a workaholic because spare time is not something i have enjoyed in years.even when with the bf i ended up working for him too.

    I guess yes, you can see it that way about younger relationships. while i had sad moments, breakups and difficulties, it was nothing like it has been now. I had no difficulty in meeting people because i fit in more easily. I feel very much that me not having kids has made me an outcast, I guess thats a separate issue! I had no desire to be a mother…and struggled with this for many years, its sometimes unfair that you feel your own body (feelings) is defying you, making life harder for you. I feel certain that if i had a child, i would be more accepted in the culture i live in now. Children are in fact, the glue for many relationships that otherwise would not be or for some, it brings people closer together…i missed out that part.

    Some people get angry when things dont work out, dust themselves off and find another partner (my sister), others cry for a bit and then try meeting people again, and again (my friend). After this last relationship…i felt a block like an actual wall when i tried to make contact with another person,..it seems the fear was so bad that I didnt even want to say “hello” expecting that 2- 5 years down the line i would end up back on my own again.  So i didnt want to even try the first step.

    Ive realised slowly that there are other issues that sit underneath trying to make a relationship work as it is really more about how you want to live your life and it seems i must be really different to other people in what drives me. But getting to the answers has been really difficult for me, i cant seem to find definition to what i want and who i am. Im just resigned to the fact that im much more messed up than i ever thought!

    I think the lack of clarity leads and manifests into physical problems too. Over years now, i feel generally very tired all the time, i rarely feel energy. My mind is the big wheel and my body limps along behind. Now that i have developed some problems in my back and leg…i feel very much how my mental state has affected my body. Living alone, there is no one nagging me to get anything done or to stop obsessing…i just do what i do with no mirror. There are some benefits to have a partner to keep you in check. As long as they genuinely care of course.

     

     

     

     

    in reply to: I need to write this pain away- ex hang ups #382696
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita.

    Sorry ive been really busy and also trying to respond in a fair way.

    I have had a holiday…but it has not really been time out from my daily life because my jobs (plural) demand attention that can´t be left behind. So we will call it a “rest”! therefore ive been fairly busy every day.

    When i was a bit younger i dont think i imagined this life AT ALL for myself. I really thought i would be with someone and perhaps have a family, that i would have a career instead of what i see as “jobs”.

    I wonder sometimes if it is a plague because i see other people struggling too.

    God knows how people meet these days but i feel i am so far off the radar its not relevant..basically i understand that, im too old at 44. I know this because some years back i felt some attention on me and now i dont at all. Guys avoid me if anything so i feel ive got some disease!. Im not unattractive but there is just the simple fact that guys want younger women. Maybe they expect you to do all the work and make all the moves.

    Ive had zero contact with my work team apart from my friend, nothing at all but i feel great anxiety about time ticking by….anxiety about returning to work that i really bothering me. I feel like ive not actually had a break because ive worked throughout on my other job..and that has hung on my mind…it hasnt really been a break at all.

     

    in reply to: I need to write this pain away- ex hang ups #382266
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    When i first moved here, i tried everything to get a job back in my home country…i was unsuccessful, times were tough back then too and i just didnt seem to have what people wanted. Finding work has always been really hard for me (why!) so it has become a fear of a lack of security.

    I also honestly can´t say i feel strongly enough about moving somewhere else at my age now…i would not know where to go.

    Interestingly many people would LOVE to live where i do, i know because i sell property and this is a dream for them- from the US, UK etc.

    I do like the nature, sometimes the free space and time that i have, i can keep my own company quite well. Ive also been able to buy my own place which i would NEVER have been able to do otherwise. but i miss some city things sometimes, more involvement and awareness of what is going on in life and more interesting people, guys who i might connect with better, women who might be more like me.

     

    My problems are not created by my environment i think but more to do with human nature, relationships and some abuse ive suffered. I think that probably it was made worse because i dont know how to stand up for myself, how to protect myself, when to back off and leave things alone.. Friends say “forget this and that” and i can´t. Im irritated by bad behaviours in personal and business behaviours.

     

    in reply to: I need to write this pain away- ex hang ups #382207
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Im supposed to have some vacation time..this should be fun but these days i dont really know what to do with myself, Im so used to just working and have no family of my own, my current friendship circle has become non existent. The only thing that drives me is making money..to feel secure.

    Today i had another issue with work, out of so many. It seems impossible when i cover every angle but somehow im always dumped in the ditches. A colleague didnt make clear some figures and it has put me in a difficult position to my detriment and will also mess with my reputation. It makes me mad. I wont get any help, i asked for it but they cant help and thus i have to fix this myself. It makes me tired because i cant work harder than i do…and the owners obviously always come out looking the best…the most influential colleagues will be protected…and life goes on without you.

    Asserting myself. Yes, i think i have said that ive tried, and yet, people just dont want to take it from me. they will from others. There is respect for them, but somehow ive never found the key to respect. One girl who used to work with us complained to me about respect and i had to laugh at the time, i had already suffered years of abuse by then. ive never had any, no matter how obviously i worked well, how much praise i got from clients, how many hours i put in of extra time or how much money i made for the company…im still treated badly, talked down to at meetings, left out of decisions etc .the only way is to leave and suffer the consequences i guess.

    If im really honest, the truth will hurt people´s feelings…because in my opinion these are people who feel really they are beneath me…they think because of my nationality, that i have more and that i have access to more. They are wrong. But nepotism and favouritism and manipulation are part of the corruption game that will hurt the economy. This is a problem for their country i see that will keep them down. I realised also how the beginnings of racism start just in small cultural differences..small levels of racism happen to me almost on a daily basis. Ive kept quiet about this for many years…. Shaking things off are not always that easy when you are living in another culture, you think you can handle it and im told not to get upset by it..but i guess you could compare my experience to what others of a different race feel in their own country, or just simply being physically different. Ive enough material to write plenty about that but i know its not in fashion right now.

    Therefore the comedy.

    My ex simply didnt like any of my witty comments, nothing “crazy” as he called it…but something rather more “clever” as that would probably bother him. In my opinion, he was very very clever..but not confident..someone who probably suffered a lot as a young man. A bright and funny and pretty woman would probably be too much for him, frightening maybe. Far easier for him to control someone who was insecure in some way and that fed his need for security. I dont doubt that his current girlfriend is suffering in some way and suppressing it, hoping she can manage it, so that she can keep him.

     

    in reply to: I need to write this pain away- ex hang ups #382163
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for the reference to the book as maybe this is the way to go. As for nr (1) i kind of feel like i continually try to assert myself but don´t get far! And i think that making gentle assertions is something i find hard to do, i think that to others i can come across as quite hard but that is because i go along with everything until i get completely fed up because ive allowed people to push and push for so long..they dont expect a reaction but then they get one and its unexpected so they react badly? i dont know.

    My sister for instance, who i havent spoken to in about a year….these are the kind of “punishments” i receive for standing up for myself. I wrote to her in an angry email as she had left me with missing and torn clothes after her stay and was fairly demanding to us (me and our parents). Her reasoning is that i “dont want to be involved in the life of my niece” which is mean and an excuse, but in fact i just wanted her to stop some behaviours she is used to doing whenever she comes over to stay.

    Then there is a girl at work who ive always had a love-hate relationship with. I like her humor and we were always able to get on one on one but at the same time she turns jeckell and hyde and seems to bully me at any opportunity she gets in front of others or clients. Its been years of this. I thought it was because of my role which used to be more office-based but now i see her being very friendly with the young girl who has taken that role over. So if it is just a jealous pettiness how do you deal with it? She has a relentlessness that has driven other people out of the company screaming. My solution was to leave my former role and become a sales person which means i dont need to be in the office as much…but at our meetings she picks on random things that are in my control, just as she used to point out mistakes in my work from my old role. All i can do is just stay away from the team as much as possible which i now do! On the few days i must be in the office, she seems to come in and wants to be friendly but i feel there´s a weird edge to it…im just not playing ball anymore.

    I dont need to point out the difficulty with my mother either. Like my sister, if she doesnt get what she wants she will shut everything down and my father is under her thumb.

    So, im surrounded by childish, jealous and demanding women and all the men i know which is very few, are submissive, passive or dismissive.

    Fun world.

    Ive always used humor to deal with the difficulties and because that always worked its just an escape hatch. I like watching stand up and if i didnt have a mind like this i feel id probably go nuts or lash out, which of course wont help anything.

    I like to escape sometimes into fantasy in that way, coming up with sketches, in different artistic ways. I make up song lyrics, come up with satires and comic ideas in my head…its a way i can laugh at it all and basically amuse myself and sometimes my friends or family. Im not saying i stop everyone to listen to me, but i just sometimes comment on things i cant resist to say something about. My parents find my ideas funny and encourage me, my friends too, im not sure what my sister thinks..i think she feels competitive for attention so its hard as she doesnt have the same ideas but can laugh at them. My ex boyfriend seemed to hate my comedic side and usually told me to stop acting crazy. It was the one thing i really didnt like about him, he took himself very seriously when sometimes it was comical, for me, humor is essential.

     

     

     

     

     

     

    in reply to: I need to write this pain away- ex hang ups #381995
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you. Its nice to hear someone say that they believe you.

    The leg situation is going to have to wait till i get further tests, i reckon it means physiotherapy for a while but for now it seems to have calmed down a bit…i have new respect for people living with chronic pain or disability because its the first time i had this situation..it makes you so tired, it makes you feel desperate sometimes too, it affects your mental state.

    As i think ive said before, i struggle to define my mother as purely narcissistic or selfish. As the children, we dont want to believe that our parents can mean to hurt us. although her main behaviour has shown her selfish tendencies there are also times where she has shown to have thoughts that are caring..but just not carried out in the way some other mothers might. I never thought about it when i was younger but in our family we don´t really hug or anything like that. My sister has always been a very difficult person to get a word out of..and so i have more or less had to work these conclusions out by myself.

    I learnt from a young age to rely on my own company, my own strength and my own council. which of course doesnt always work and sometimes feels like i need superhuman strength to get by. When i was younger, my older sister never took responsibility and instead would lash out and get angry, so i took on the “older” role while she seemed to just be resentful.  I reckon that i developed a lack of awareness of myself, a detachedness, so that later on, people trying to get to know me…get a cold response, or at least a very brief , dismissive one. I realise that now but it may be too late to change..how do you get the respect? how do you protect yourself from the reactions of others? ive no idea. I just dont seem to learn.

    Instead of spreading my net wide to have more options of friendships or meeting more than one guy, i chose to be very very loyal to one or two people…it doesnt work out. This has applied to everything including of course, my work, which i should have left at the first signs of negative bias, years ago. They all take for granted that they can abuse what they want. Arrogance seems to be the norm these days.

    Im tired of always being strong, of ignoring comments made to me because im always alone with no one behind me to back me up. Im tired of being kind to disrespectful people who if im honest, were educated to be rude to others.

    If i recognise being a victim, then i want to know a solution. At 44 i need answers becuase i have been patient, i have tried and failed in so many ways. I have high standards for myself…and these are ones i never pass.

     

     

    in reply to: I need to write this pain away- ex hang ups #381903
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Ive been preoccupied lately with work and my health, which has not been good – the back pain turning into sciatica down one leg, now i walk with a limp and my foot is numb..im getting more exams but..it really sometimes feels like punishment. Ive tried to recover but it just gets worse. Work has taken a dive when i lost out to sell something that would have made a huge huge difference…apparently just a matter of 1 or 2 days timing, so unfair right? since then, things have been very weak, worsened by covid threatening to shut everything down.

    I feel now that my attitude has to somehow change..im never going to “get” the result i want, the successes that i work so hard for just won´t materialise…what i used to believe was that karma had my back, things tended to come true as i had predicted but now people seem to be just so arrogant and stubborn around me and things keep going wrong for me. Thats not going to change is it? Do the mean people get to win?

    i feel like im trying too hard in the wrong way and that i have to learn to be different. Its frustrating. In fact, frustration seems to be my main feeling in life! increasingly, anger.

    Ive tried to rely on my senses too much, but they are unreliable…reading tarot and starsign information online hoping that the information will point me in the right direction because trying hard hasnt. Nothing coming good. I still think of my ex but a little less, just sadness in its place. I dont feel motivated to meet new people, i just want it to happen..somehow believing that if i try, it will fail..it should be fate.

    you asked if i felt you judged me…because i felt judged by others. I think i felt you probably judged my mother and her lack of interest to support us, her daughters, by what i have said which of course in reality is one-sided. But it aligned with my opinions built up over the last 15 or so years.

    i said in several ways, that she has jealousy issues..problems relating with women i think mainly. My father is a wall of denial. My sister doesnt want to discuss anything uncomfortable and just seems to display worryingly similar traits now to my mother (she has to be right, is arrogant). I used to get very angry about my dad´s lack of interest to protect his kids when she was unreasonable, he wont do anything to fix it. he allows her to continue behaving like a child. He would say and still would, that we need to appreciate our mother´s point of view…even when it was clear to a teenager or a young adult, that she was behaving selfishly and her temper tantrums were clearly encouraged when he helped her this way. Ive pleaded with him to take her to a councellor as he in particular suffers the constant barrage of her thoughts himself , and sometimes her verbal abuse, but denies himself any solution. They found each other in their 20s no doubt with family issues and so this is deeply cemented.  I guess even though i hate it, i take after him. I think that people outside our family find him to be weak, to be crawling. As i do.

    I think that people reading this will consider me weak too and probably just a victim, a loser in life. I feel i have fought, managing the feelings i have from the experiences i have had and get..on a daily basis. The truth is that i dont know how to deal with them the right way. Ive probably never learnt that. And constantly meeting people who end up being just as abusive and manipulative…ive ended up feeling that the odd one out is me. That i have to be manipulative and mean. I don´t relate to women who walk into a room, see a total stranger and have an instant dislike…but there are many people like that.

     

     

     

    in reply to: I need to write this pain away- ex hang ups #381249
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    As usual i have written and rewritten about this..its hard as i know this is also a public forum and that i am effectively, an open study. But on the other hand i hope that people read with an open mind of understanding i am human, no matter what they may judge me as being. I feel that i am often judged badly. People have a need to put you in your place, whether above or below them. I have no need for that, but i see a lot of people do and it bothers me.

    I would like to meet people and see them just calm as they are. But in reality, where i am, we attract a lot of frazzled and desperate people looking for a sense of peace (by the sea of course!). Unfortunately even i could tell them its not outside themselves but within. I sound like a guru i know. Im not a hippie type at all but im just accepting of what is..i think maybe that is rare because so many people come here with big ideas.

    I know there is the tendancy to find that someone is to blame in our past childhood. I certainly know that my mom has narcissitic tendencies but is capable of empathy and my father i guess is a control freak (sometimes “accidentally” locking my mother in the house)  with some other unidentified issues (social anxiety, need for approval from my mother, no need for any other contact). My sister has not been around much and not really responsive to any kind of introspection of what may be wrong in the relationship we have so i have had to come to these conclusions alone. It was only after my ex  boyfriend experience..i realised how similar he was to my mothers behaviour, both in negative and positive. I have worried many times that i am like my father, the sufferer.

    I also know, that while my moms behaviour affected us girls directly, she also reacted to her experiences. Her mother died when she was 20, i think that was a lifechanging experience of what options she had for her future.

    I know im probably unpopular in my opinion, having children is the most obvious self love you can show…and also, for the wrong person, the most selfish thing.

    Once you have children you may feel you can do no wrong. I see how women who have children become amazingly arrogant. Some use their motherhood as a tool to get what they want in life, some use it for power. Some use their children to manipulate situations, who hasnt felt that?

    I remember saying to my pregnant sister “dont let it change you” and it did almost immediately…She became other than herself and that person wont come back. Her job is now to raise her daughter but how much of that is for the child and how much is actually for herself or her partners goals? these are kind of taboo subjects right? What happens to womens brains when they have children.

    I also had a childhood friend who had a baby years ago and immediately after, she became very selfrighteous and demeaning towards me which i thought was very basic and wrong..i cut her off after that as it was clear she didnt feel much kindness towards me.

     

     

    in reply to: I need to write this pain away- ex hang ups #381178
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Today. I started writing another brick of text and it sounded too complaining. I can’t seem to stop..Im overtired. I don’t have a break from work much at all.

    More bad experiences at work, more feeling hopeless and like I might just collapse.

    Is this as good as it gets for me? Is there a light at the end when you work this hard? Or am I just being stupid staying here? Maybe im just too smart to be here and ive been underachieving or maybe this is all I can get.

    Jealousy as a core belief. Yes probably I got it from my mother, who had reasoned that people were jealous when I felt self conscious of people staring at me on the street….which has affected me a lot when I was younger. She concluded it was because I was attractive. I could never be certain of that, so my mind would dissect the information and look at all possible other explanations.

    I think I mentioned I thought she fit a narcissist profile, that I gathered this opinion over the last 4 or 5 years, and that this was probably why I put up with my ex’s behaviour as he was similar to her in behaviour.  Loving, building up and then tearing down and insulting. So in a way, analyising my ex has led to other realisations.

    In the last few years I also came to see some awful jealous behaviour in her regarding what little successes I had. The main one being apartments I renovated that she refused to even visit until it was done, then looked unhappy when she finally came. And for some reason I would always want her opinion when I should know better. It seems she also has a need to be more knowledgable than me on subjects I have more experience in..my work mainly. These toxic exchanges are so common to me really that I don’t even think of it. But I know this is part of the problems I have. My mothers relationship with my father is also toxic. He never contradicts, he is subservient and feeds her need to bully.

    Im unsure of my own opinions, I have trouble making decisions..these are things they say are as a result of this kind of relationship where you are made to doubt yourself.

    Maybe jealous is really not the only word but I use that because I feel it describes other people’s behaviour..there is envy, spitefulness as well.

    im tired of sitting on the fence on everything, being so amenable and nice, letting others take advantage and being so unhappy about it all.

     

     

    in reply to: I need to write this pain away- ex hang ups #381023
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    What i mean by the full picture is the outward behaviour and actions, an assessment of that. Whereas his thoughts are something i could never know for sure. He didn´t “confide” in me as such but small truths leaked out over time as though he had already told me about them….for instance about his drug use. I suppose he didnt tell me at first because then i would surely leave. Again, this fits the narrative of a Narcissist, as it seems to describe them as people who go from one to another person but can´t bear to be alone and are frightened of being alone.

    I remember he asked me in the beginning if i was a very jealous person and that it was good i wasnt…but i think he was insincere..he in fact WANTED me to have a tantrum about other women so he could feel more loved, more wanted. When i met him for the last time and he told me his current girlfriend was very jealous and would not want him to be friends with me. Was he bragging? or was it honest. Because i feel he would always flirt and there is no reason for him to change.

    There is something else. I have a strong feeling that he keeps check on what i am doing..this is a feeling i have always had around him but i have no proof apart from the things he said to me. I never had the same feeling with other boyfriends. i dont think its because he wants to get back to me but rather, he wants me to stay alone. As we talk of coincidence, i recently listed a house and was talking to the owner, she told me that another agent had tried to list it after i went (in order to have it exclusively) and that the woman had been very aggressive so the owner didnt go for it….ive very little doubt, this was his current girlfriend and i wonder how that just happened to be. You may say this is delusional but things keep coming up and i am not looking for them..if anything, im trying to get on with my life.

    I feel this sense of people trying to bait me lately. As i mentioned for example, at work with this male family member. Today i asked a question to my team on social media and time passed, i got no reply. usually when others ask something a reply comes in 2 mins. Even my boss noticed and made a comment which is rare, after which two of them jumped and replied immediately like they had been bitten…..it was another humiliation from people i have personally helped A LOT but ive come to expect nothing but the worst. I feel they are making this example to the newer staff to show how i should be treated and its working, the young girl doing my old job is now similarly dismissive and follows suit…its ugly and i feel it could even be classed as racism at the very least developing a bullying culture. But i can´t do much to change that. It makes me depressed and sad that this is the example for a successful business life. The family member never helps me when i ask, pretends he doesnt know information etc. And at group meetings he is very fake, polite and helpful but at the same time makes a point of demeaning my influence…no doubt he is afraid of my influence on the boss because he wants total control. I spent the rest of the afternoon thinking about it. The problem is that this behaviour only makes me shut the door on empathy for them…so how does that improve the business?

    As you can see, i just run around in circles with these two things..but i think that this helps..i feel less of an attraction to the man i once really adored. it was an unfair relationship and i was treated badly. And it also is about my relationships with people..why the negatives all the time and why do i seem to get so many jealous people in my life? its really no wonder i feel the way i do.

    in reply to: I need to write this pain away- ex hang ups #380858
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    My frustration over this obsessing about my ex is that i understand both the good and bad about him. I feel i almost have the full picture of him, apart from his true thoughts, which he basically seems to hide from everyone. I am aware i got involved with someone who was destabilizing to my mental state, that was already in a fragile state when i met him. I felt that he had a tough time going through his younger years, some bad experiences. From what he has told me of his past relationships i think he learned he could use women but he is also blindsided by them and a little frightened of them…he struggled to understand emotions. This is why i think he fits the profile of a Narcissist. I think he would talk to his friends about not understanding women he was with and they would give their leveled opinion..of course, some of those men were also just as childlike when it came to relationships. But others i met knew exactly what problems he had and just accepted it. Sometimes i felt he was bullied by his friends as they discovered he was easy to manipulate.  it drove me nuts that some random woman he had just met would find she could influence him, or that suddenly he had bought something expensive like a house or a car because it was a good idea at the time. As a friend he was good entertainment i think.

    ….there is the bad side i experienced, the mood swings he had, the temper, impatience and frustration he had. He  told me about his frustrations with previous girlfriends..but not with much detail, one was anorexic, so was another, one slept too much he said, the other made him jealous with the way she dressed and that seemed to really hurt him, that she might be flirting with someone else. He asked me if i was cheating on him many times but not in an angry way, just in a very insecure way. He expected me to work for him for free, being his side kick in most of his business. It was sometimes exhausting as he had a lot of energy. He told me one ex girlfriend was annoying because she slept all the time, i could understand. I think these girls threw themself into everything, im more reserved and perhaps stubborn…i wouldnt do everything he wanted, i didnt have image issues and i didnt take drugs. But mentally i felt i gave a lot to him…which is why the damage was all there.

    On the good side, he was creative and energetic and clever, he was innovative and always had new ideas, he was attractive to me in every way and we were compatible in most ways except for one…that i didnt need to socialise so much and he really did. When were just at home i was very happy, i never felt as good with other boyfriends. He would help me with my own ideas and encouraged me to do things although he would also quickly get frustrated with me. When i say he had a lot of energy, i mean he needed stimulation all the time, ideas, sex, travel, friends, business and fun etc..I found the pace pretty hard to keep up..i think others did too. But this counteracted my natural depressive nature and i preferred it to my natural state. he had some few quiet moments too. He always said jokingly that his ex girlfriend always liked it when he was sick, because then he was calmer and wouldn´t be running off somewhere…thats why i understand it was not just me. He was also the kind of guy that would call up and say that he had broken his surfboard or his car or part of him. Just carelessly. That was hard to deal with, that he was so energetically erratic, but in return for the other good stuff i accepted that about him.

    In some ways i wondered if in fact we were mirroring each other. If in fact we were too similar to work out.

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