Dear Dreaming 715,

I want to say first that I am sorry for the way things turned out. It seems like he wants you on his terms or not at all. This is not a two way street by the appearances that I see. Until things are committed either of you should be able to see whoever you want. Commitment shouldn’t be based on one-sided interpretations of facts. But, rather, a mutual understanding of the facts. You may have heard this before…you can’t lose something that you never had in the beginning. I know what I am saying doesn’t make you feel any better. But, hopefully, it might give you another perspective.

Phil

Faith,
I can’t tell you tell you how to cope with heartache. Everyone does it differently. I take long hikes in nature and ponder situations until they make sense. For example…I finally confronted my mom about a question that had festered inside me for nearly 50 years. I guess it took so long because I was afraid of what the answer might be. However, one day I asked her if she ever loved my dad and she told me it was none of my business. I beg to differ as it became the business of offspring the day she decided to conceive. Her answer told me indirectly the answer. That weekend I spent a day hiking alone and came upon a log of a tree fallen and rotting. I sat there for a while and got my answer there. My mom was always confrontational. I decided that this situation had an answer in that fallen log. Sometimes you have to sacrifice a diseased tree to save the forest. Some things you can’t change. You have to accept it and move on.

As to religion, I guess I’m different than most. The relationship between God and myself is strictly between God and myself. I don’t let pre-packaged religion dictate what will or will not be. So I don’t pretend to give any advice there.

I can tell you that I have been married now 20 years and with same person even longer. We were best friends before we ever got married. We helped each other to attain each other’s dreams. You have to be willing to cross out of your comfort zone into each other’s worlds and be truly interested in the ground you are traversing. If you can’t, then it is all for not. My wife is still my best friend besides being my wife. We can argue, but, we also have the strong bond we developed early to transcend arguments. We developed a strong trust to know that no matter what, we have each other’s back. And, by extension, there isn’t a situation that we can’t deal with together.

Take a hard look at the real reasons that you two split. If the reasons stand up to logic (not emotion) then maybe it’s best that you went separate ways. Will religion define your significant other or will you? The answers are different for everybody. Only you can come to these answers. When you come to these answers then you will know what is important to you and will help the next time you meet someone.

Right now you are missing what might have been. Might haves aren’t worth a dime. Answer some of the hard questions and move forward with life knowing that the picture of what you need is a clearer one than it used to be. Your heart will mend and be stronger than it was. But, it only becomes stronger by taking the “lessons learned”.

This is just a guy’s perspective. Hope it helped a little.

Phil

Hi Ed,
Here is something sort of immediate in nature to try. It’s an offshoot of combat breathing. When things start to get under your skin, slowly take in a long deep breath for four seconds. Then exhale slowly for 4 seconds. All the while paying attention to the temperature of your breath, the air passing by the nasal hair, the expansion of your lungs, etc. You should find by the end of that eight seconds, things will have cooled considerably. Then ask yourself what was so important that your blood pressure had to take a hit to indulge? If you find this works, maybe consider meditation and breathing exercises.

If your a perfectionist, the world is never good enough or you feel that you are never good enough for the world. Thing is, the world is far from perfect. You don’t have to be perfect to fit in. If you try to be perfect folks will think you’re odd. You teach people how to perceive you. If you teach them that you are interested only in perfection, you will be left alone because they know they can’t measure up.

Usually, perfectionism is a compensating factor of “look at me, I’m worth something”. Lead your own parade and don’t worry about others. People of like mind will find you. Real friends can be counted on one hand with fingers left to count. All the others are not worth the frustration of being perfect. Be true to yourself first, treat yourself well, and treat others well. If some folks don’t treat you well, it’s not be worth trying to change yourself to accommodate them. The right people will accept you for you.

Good luck and I hope this helped.

Phil