Hi Mattr,

You sound more depressed than I had originally noticed noticed.

(By the way, I stick with my observations of great strengths that you have in you.)

I am glad that you have something scheduled to look forward to, I think finding more things you can look forward to May help?

You may feel so negative but can you do things to “fake it?” Like sometimes when I’m depressed I ask my son if he wants to go bike riding later. He always says yes, and I won’t let him down, so I will end up going even if I feel awful and then I end up feeling quite good about it. Can you find a way to force some activity that gets your body moving or puts you outdoors or that in the past you know you do that feels at least neutral vs depressing?

Awwww…ok, well I’ll keep my eyes open! (I get worried I’ll accidentally send before I’m done editing, so I type in word, txt or something first.). 🙂

Thank you for your kindness.

I am feeling so devastated at where we are right now. We merged lives. We have a child each from previous marriage. Now he wants to move out as soon as he can.

Yes, he still does things to avoid the drama. He would learn, grow, set good boundaries and have really promising moments or stretches. However, in the end he would default to his old dynamics with her of people pleasing. It was like a trance or some BPD/codependent dance they automatically do when they interact. Like he would consciously try to avoid it, but would slip, let his guard down, or he’d just be too exhausted and would allow himself to get sucked into their dance and he wouldn’t even notice his hips swaying to their song.

“I would suggest that you offer him as much space as you can so that he feels as if you ‘backing away’ from him to a degree.”

Idk, idk even how to respond to this. Things are so extremely complicated. I think I will soon need to start my own post to sort it out more, when I’m ready.

He is the type that needs my affection and love to feel close to me. Giving him space only serves for him to “forget” that we love one another instead of drawing him near. We have been in couples counseling and I pretty much have accepted my role as the caregiver of the relationship and that can be ok for us.

“Non stop supportiveness by one partner is called “CODEPENDENCE””
Thank you for caring and looking out for me. I have often challenged our therapist and questioned him why he did not discard our dynamic and consider it an unhealthy codependency. The reply was that as long as one of us can remain aware and conscious about what is going on in the relationship then there is someone awake to steer the ship. It is if we both get entangled and reactive in our dealings that he would consider it problematic. I wasn’t sure I agreed with this. I complained that I had needs too. I have since come to accept that we could have a relationship that works well in this situation. Yes, it would mean me removing some attachment to expectations and appreciating other things. There is much about us to appreciate that would lessen the loss I’d feel of letting go of some of my expectations.

“That is why when my boyfriend walked into my life I fell so hard for him. He gave me everything that I had not gotten from my husband.”

I think there is much to ponder about this thought. It rings so true for me. I know it is the reason that my BF became so attached and drawn to me. I was everything his ex wife was not. I was a huge source of comfort in his transitional phase in his life. It also is much of the reason I was drawn to him too as he is much different than past relationships I’ve had.

I wonder if I could be looking more into myself for these things and feel satiated with what is there, would that free me?
I feel real pain to think this thought.
It feels scary and like I’m losing something.
I am not sure how to get there.
But I imagine it is a freer place.

Hey, just another thought. I have heard of couples that share a FB account. Like their couple pic is up and they use the one profile together. Personally, I wouldn’t want that ever but Idk, it seems to work fine for others. Anyway, my point was to find a creative way that may work for all. Assuming that it would not cause anyone to feel burdened or disrupted.

Hi Mattr,

PTSD can change the way that a person is neurologically wired. Please be cautious about language like: “I found that the humiliation, betrayal, etc., that I felt for years and years has created a permanent hypervigilance in me.” Just as your brain can change and become hypervigilant, it can also change in the other direction and not necessarily permanent. It just takes time. Time experiencing small successes in calming triggers and grounding yourself. Each success will build upon each other the same way that trauma exacerbates trauma. I think the key is to find the correct balance for you in exposing yourself vs protecting yourself from triggers. Does that make sense?

I hear much strength in your words. I find your insight and awareness of the circumstances, as demonstrating great strength.

It sounds to me like trusting yourself is the first issue before trusting her.

I am most curious about your thoughts of your wife being a trigger to you. This is what I feel has greatly ruined the wonderful relationship I recently had. I can see that my partner was triggered by me, by the role of our partnership and the dynamic of the husband/wife role and feel of it would take him back to the feelings of his marriage. (We were not married but it was the same dynamic) This caused him to misdirect his anger that he never got to express to his ex wife onto me. He did so in a very hypersensitive irrational way. The difference though is that my partner had no insight that this is what was happening for him, so that indeed is an important big difference.

I think that your insight is a huge asset to you as well as is the support of your wife.

I hear this struggle you are having with “depending” on her. It sounds like you have shared so much with her already and she has accepted it all very well and continues to love you in a good way and this has been a very good thing for you both. I wonder if this “dependence” you talk about is the very thing that would actually free you both a little bit more? Do you think that maybe sharing, being weak, allowing her to see the full depths of just how vulnerable you are, allowing her to love you in that space of your most vulnerability for a bit of time is actually exactly what you need to be stronger and less dependent? That maybe you are holding back a bit. Keeping a piece of yourself hidden for fear of rejection? That maybe if you allowed it to be exposed, laid it out under the sun to air and dry, that experiencing her love in such a place would actually allow you receive the reassurance that you need to trust and move forward to a less dependent place?

I hope I am explaining this well. I’ll give an experience that may make it clearer.

For me, I do not get triggered by a person but by something that person does, a phrase, a touch, a reaction or a social dynamic or such. (With the exception, if a person has abused me then, yes, that person and everything about them can be a trigger) For example I have a fear of someone sneaking up from behind and touching me. So after realizing that my BF romantically reached for me from behind and triggered me, I then need to share this with him to a satisfaction. I need to know that he can respect my fear and learn to be mindful and loving towards me. After I experience his love for me in this way for a consistent period, then my trigger slowly subsides and subsides until it actually is no longer a trigger. I think that I must feel less burdened and less of a need to be hypervigilant knowing he has made a conscious decision to avoid my trigger with me. The trust that we establish through this process ends up with me slowly no longer needing either of us to be vigilant and then as months pass of success I came to a point where I love him affectionately grabbing me from behind, both because it is romantic and loving, but additionally because of the love of us overcoming that challenge.

(On the other side of things… Whenever I try to ignore a trigger hoping it will go away or hoping to hide it, the opposite happens. I then feel an increased need to be hypervigilant about it. So sometimes my attempts to handle things on my own actually leaves me feeling more needy.)

I have never explained this in this manner to anyone. Thank you for sharing and giving me these thoughts to ponder, I feel a bit lighter now!

(This is my first post so please let me know if my interjection belongs elsewhere, or anything else I may not be aware of when posting.)

I am in a similar situation with the man that I live with and love, and feel that we have a very special connection.

Thank you both Kath and Vhanon, for sharing your thoughts. I have found this all more helpful than I can explain and am truly grateful for this.

I am in a difficult position. I love him dearly. We are good companions, good company, have done much growing together and I am confident that we could be happy and grow old well together. The problem is that, while he does not have an alcohol problem, he has behaviors that seem too manipulative for me to bear and at the same time maintain my own sanity. He too has mood swings, is often not able to consider my view in conversations or decisions, does the guilt thing, and is unreliable with his decisions.

I also have struggled with the idea of “good” and “bad” in terms of the manipulation. I actually do not feel he is aware his behavior seems manipulative and just does it as a subconscious pattern, which makes me wonder if that matters. I really appreciate the analogy of the fly and the spider Vhanon, that makes much sense.

Thank you Kath, I think I need to give “spinning solo” more thought.

Part of the difficulty I struggle with, and wonder if it is the same for you Kath, is that I can see that he is suffering, and seems lost to helping himself in some of his ways. I feel that I know we can be wonderful together, if only he could rely on my strengths where he is lacking.

I am not saying that I am better than him, just that I wish he could allow himself to trust my strengths in certain areas, just as I do trust and rely on him in areas that I feel inexperienced with.

The problem though is, what I see as his biggest weakness is that he is lacking in insight. He is unaware of his emotions, how they relate to his behavior, and how that relates to others. He is self centered but I do not hold this against him, it just seems like he is lacking in his own awareness about his feelings and he isn’t even aware that he, for ex. was stomping about or being passive aggressive, until I point it out to him.

I wonder if it is this way for you Kath… I think if he were another person that I didn’t have figured out so well, then I could just label him as “bad” and move on. However, because I know him so intimately, I can see his pain and struggle. I can even feel that I understand the origin of his struggles and emotions even while he himself is so unaware of his own state. I feel like because it seems so simple to me, that if only he could wear my “eyes” for a day and understand what is going on for him, that it would all make sense. That he would see the potential, the path, and see how simple it actually is, and see that I can help him, and he can help me and that it is all actually clearly possible for us to be a very good thing for one another, and how we can actually use the differences of our strengths and weaknesses to compliment one another into something more wonderful. (Instead of what is now happening)

Unfortunately, I am faced with the reality, that his eyes are his, and we can not borrow one another’s perspectives.