Anyone,
You bring up a good point. I too was raised to “be the bigger person” in difficult situations. To love unconditionally, even when they aren’t acting in a deserving way. And I believe this to be the correct way to live my life, but consequently it has put me in situations in which I have been been somewhat of a door mat. I worry this might be one of those situations. It seems today, for perhaps the first time, I am having more than fleeting moments of annoyance at the way she has behaved. This wasn’t a summer fling, we are married, and I deserved to be treated in the ways she said she would treat me or at least given some sort of explanation as to why I was being discarded suddenly. If she truly was trying to decide what she wanted, if she truly wasn’t sure and needed space to think, I am more than willing to lovingly give her the space and time she requests, but if she has decided to move on with her life and is just choosing to leave me out of that loop, then it is wrong and I deserve more respect.

Michael,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I find some similarities. Although we were married, her decision also seemed to be sudden and swift so I can imagine how hard that was for you. I also really related to your mention of your girlfriend saying things had always been awful and not really agreeing. I know my wife and I had some problems and some arguments and some tension sometimes. I know we didn’t always agree on things and had very opposing needs at times, but we also had some wonderful times. WE laughed and loved each other… I was there, it happened. Yet, she is now saying the entire relationship was awful. She actually describes our relationship as her “time of misery” but I know that cannot be the entire truth. If it was then she wouldn’t have married me. I wouldn’t have so many text messages in which she says I’m wonderful. So what’s true? I just don’t know.

The Ruminant,
Thank you for your wise words. I am going to a support group once a week and see an individual therapist who is helping me work through some of this. Yesterday my wife hid her relationship status on facebook and actually that seems to be the one thing that has actually gotten me to a little bit of a mad place. I realize it might sound silly, but that high school behavior is just obviously not of high integrity. To tell the world you are moving on before you actually sit and tell you wife is a cowardly move. My ability to see things clearly comes in waves. At times I can see things as they likely are, but most of the time I am still sad, and desperate to fix this.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Susan.

The Ruminant,
Thank you for your response and the time and effort you obviously placed into the communication. I feel validated and heard. I found a few of your points very interesting. Love not being therapy certainly rings true. I am actually a therapist and have often if my desire to help her heal is part of the problem, especially when she is unable to see her own brokenness. Another very interesting point; the mention of narcissism. Yes, I firmly believe she is not a little bit of a narcissist, but a severe narcissist. She actually meets all of the criteria for narcissism in the DSM, and only a few of them are needed to make the diagnosis, yet she meets them all. That has both helped me realize I can’t control this situation and actually have very little influence on it, and also caused so much more pain for that very fact – I cannot change this. This leads me to another very important observation you made – I am trying to go backward, to get back the peace I had before. That isn’t possible yet I am working my fingers to the bone to get there. I suppose I should mourn the loss, but to be honest she still hasn’t told me she isn’t going to work to save us. I know the answer will be this she is gone, but we haven’t talked yet so in still holding out hope. Maybe delusional on my part. Oh, and about the house, it’s her home, has been for years before me and she has a young son, so moving wasn’t a surprise for me. It was painful, but the logical step since she had decided to discard me.