Hi Ella,

As a guy going through a transformation in the past years, I can offer some insights.
Excess weight bothered me for years, and it was there because of stress eating to feel good and getting no exercise. The story on my solution:

Job
– I went back to the type of work that is my sweet spot, where I flow, what I’m good at.
– It really helps to feel challenged and to have a good fit so you can succeed.
– When I make mistakes, I’m kind and compassionate to myself vs. being a perfectionist.
– I’ve adopted a growth mentality – accept criticism better, learn from failure, cheer success of myself and others…
– I try not to personalize like I used to.

Fitness
– I joined a gym and stuck with it for a year. Getting instruction really helps. Groups like a Bootcamp really help.
– I changed by diet to good foods, but did not have a plan.
– I started seeing a nutritionist to establish a strategy for me. I follow up every week with them on progress and for adjustments. This gave me results and it smoothed out my eating, energy level and put me in position to exercise more.
– Then I stepped up workouts and did different challenging workouts. Now in year two. – I learned about recovery – foam rollers, water, etc. not Advil as this inhibits recovery systems.
– I started seeing muscle grow!! In addition to fat loss, this is a big confidence builder!!
– All of this changed me. I go to the gym pretty much first thing every day. I really enjoy working out and getting to know some new folks with like interests.
My walk is confident. My posture is good.
When stress arises, I do not eat junk.

Interests:
– Having always been a fixer and a pleaser, I took advantage of single life (don’t tell him that part lol since you want to keep the relationship) by going for some self development (beyond fitness and nutrition).
– This has been learning a new language. There are many benefits to challenging yourself like this, including learning the new skill. It’s a great conversation item as so many people speak more than one language. It also gets you out of your comfort zone in a different way vs. the gym.
– Also, I was never musical but I love music. So, I got an instrument and I’m taking lessons.

Relationships
– Well I’m here so that’s an active journey too! 🙂
– I’ve had some success and failure.
– I’ve got a good therapist I see once in a while.
– At one point I was out of work and down nearing depression ..and hit my rock bottom. At that point I accepted myself for who I was period. Not based on a job or material success.
– I am much more open and allow myself to be vulnerable.
– The self care helped me to see others more for their unique perspectives.
– Being more balanced helps me and my relationship with others.
– I know I can get into trouble with troubling personalities – I get enmeshed. This self awareness will help me going forward.
– I am much more confident with others including women. I find it’s best to be yourself. When you feel good about yourself people see it.
– Stay humble.

Volunteering
– I’ve been volunteering for a cause that is very meaningful for me.
– Hands on service work.
– And some fundraising.

I’ve also gotten a lot out of others and helped them as well by just having conversations about our lives, interests, etc. The confidence breeds more.

Well this is probably more than you wanted to read. Hopefully, you get a feel for what I am going through, and see some examples for improving confidence. Plus the theme of taking action and seeing results. And you may have noticed that I’m not shy of getting help when I need it. Why go it alone? 🙂

Am I perfect or Mr. Wonderful? Nope but I’m more confident than ever. Much more.

Can you help your guy or does he need to figure out this stuff himself? I think you can help him and he can figure some stuff out himself. 🙂

Big blue

Hi Michael-
You are superman! You did your best! You sound very grounded so you are able to move ahead. You will get through this and you will be stronger for it. What everyone else shared and said is right on.
One thing I’m doing is listening to music. Music is very powerful for me. There’s wisdom, and a good beat in, “You can’t hurry love” which is on my new playlist.
We’re with you Michael!

K gel you have a big challenge. Ann your advice is excellent – I was working on me when I met someone new. IamMe you are right about the how.
If I may share something that I just realized this week – something I think is helping me to get someone out of my head. I fell for the someone new and it was not a good match. But I was stuck on obsessing about her. Today I thought about her like my ex-wife who I’m on good terms with. By analogy. I do not have the love anymore for my ex-wife. I do care about her as a special person and the mom of our kids. It was no where like this when we split up. Anyway, by thinking like this about the other lady, I am losing the strong feelings. I talked with her the other day and although I still wanted her, now after thinking she’s like my ex, somehow I’m losing my obsession for her. Does this make any sense at all?
Follow Ann’s advice and you will do well. Just watch out for “half” people who will sense your vulnerabilities until you are the whole person.

Hi Buddah123,

I think we guys get too smart for ourselves and therefore sometimes do stupid things. My painful example, and I hope this shows the stupid, was about 6 weeks ago. She and I were both falling in love. I asked her out and she said she was kinda busy, with big smiles. I thought wow she is awesome and this is looking good. Not a no. Great vibes. She said I was really nice. Ok. Follow up with her…
Except then I got on this “helpful” place called the internet you May gave heard of it. I read about what guys thought of girls saying they were “busy” and you are “nice.” Yes helpful if I filtered this against my reality which was she was really into me. >Kablooey< I panicked having had baggage myself thinking she really was just letting me off easy. I ignored her for a couple days. She got hurt. I followed up but having had some baggage before she said she really cared for me but Stop and go away.
I’ve spent the last 6 weeks in total chaos. Only the past few days am I thinking that I can approach her and talk, I hope.
Lesson learned for me: don’t act on fears and distorted thinking. Chill out. It’s normal to have doubts. Don’t follow what people say on the internet like the road, but maybe as a possible map or even maybe sketchy directions. Follow your heart.

I hope this one guy’s perspective helps in some way.