how do i give up hope?

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years ago by gotye89.

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April 25, 2014 at 10:42 am #55375

k gel
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Hi All. I’m new here and hoping to get some words of wisdom. I am a mess. I got divorced a couple of years ago, which was an agonizing, painful process. During the divorce I met a guy online who was also getting divorced. We totally clicked and began dating, knowing from the beginning that our timing was not ideal. We took things slow, saw other people at the beginning. But eventually, after about a year, we both agreed to make the relationship exclusive. We both felt “in love” and had a great time together. I saw plenty of red flags, which I chose to ignore since I was having so much fun with him (something that was missing in my 15 year marriage) This guy drank too much, was quite passive aggressive and very hot and cold. He could make me feel so incredibly special and beautiful and wanted, and then out of no where he would withdraw and make me feel insecure and confused. Long story short, he eventually broke up with me twice and got back together with me twice. Both times he felt the timing was wrong and he wasn’t ready for something so serious. I was devastated and couldn’t stop thinking about him. It was like nothing I ever experienced. And he met someone immediately, posted pictures on Facebook, etc. Three months passed and he sent me emails and text messages saying how much he missed me and loved me. Eventually we met in person, immediately got back together, and had a great 2 months. He told me repeatedly that I was the love of his life, no one compares to me, and he was going to spend the rest of his days making me happy. Goes without saying, he starting feeling “closed in” and unsure…same old shit. so this time I broke up with him (which is what he wanted…so it felt mutual) I, once again, find myself thinking about him all the time, looking for his car, obsessing about everything he ever said and did. I ran into him last night and he was on a date. it was horrible. I have been crying all day. I know in my head this guy is wrong for me. He is not nice, he is passive aggressive, he is not ready to be in a relationship (at least with me) and he makes me feel so insecure. But my heart won’t let him go. I want more then anything to move on and stop thinking about him, but I haven’t been able to. It feels very much like an unhealthy addiction. I am trying to go cold turkey. I’m trying to talk to people, journal, exercise, move on with my life…but I can’t control my thoughts. How do I get him out of my system and really, truly give up hope? I pretend that I am done, but if he came back tomorrow I would go back. So I haven’t given up hope. and i can’t begin to let go unless I give up hope. I am hopeless!!! Help!!!

April 25, 2014 at 11:53 am #55378
Ann Hoesman
Participant
Hello,

Sounds to me what you need is some self love. You are compassionate person full of love that you just aren’t channeling in the right direction. It’s seems like you are giving out much more love then you are giving to yourself. If you don’t fully love yourself you will only attract other “half people” as I like to call them into your life. Take some time to be single and figure out your own life, your passions and what you are really looking for in another person. Face your fears to find out how strong you really are! If you don’t know who you are think about who you’d like to be and strive for that! Creating yourself can be very empowering and the best time to do it is when you’re single! It will take a while to stop looking for his car and his texts, but don’t let that own you. You really don’t even need a partner to complete you! Once you have taken the time to really get to know and love yourself you’ll attract other whole people who will lift you and not degrade you. Once you find out how awesome you are you won’t want to be with someone who isn’t right for you. You are only what you believe you are, so decide today that you are an awesome person that deserves a great life and guess what? BAM you are! It’s time to get to really know the greatest person in you life, you! I wish you only health, love and happiness on your journey.
- This reply was modified 10 years ago by Ann Hoesman.
April 25, 2014 at 2:23 pm #55382

IamMe
Participant

Ann, this is a very empowering reply. Articles I read on the internet always boils down to loving oneself but sometimes you need to hear more than that. I myself struggle with this, so how do you actually love oneself and how do you know that you’ve already on that path? The operative word is HOW?

April 25, 2014 at 4:12 pm #55387

Big blue
Participant

K gel you have a big challenge. Ann your advice is excellent – I was working on me when I met someone new. IamMe you are right about the how.
If I may share something that I just realized this week – something I think is helping me to get someone out of my head. I fell for the someone new and it was not a good match. But I was stuck on obsessing about her. Today I thought about her like my ex-wife who I’m on good terms with. By analogy. I do not have the love anymore for my ex-wife. I do care about her as a special person and the mom of our kids. It was no where like this when we split up. Anyway, by thinking like this about the other lady, I am losing the strong feelings. I talked with her the other day and although I still wanted her, now after thinking she’s like my ex, somehow I’m losing my obsession for her. Does this make any sense at all?
Follow Ann’s advice and you will do well. Just watch out for “half” people who will sense your vulnerabilities until you are the whole person.

April 27, 2014 at 6:40 am #55441

gotye89
Participant

hi there, as a prologue, i shall not read the other post/s that give advice but what i gathered from one which is to practice self love, i would say yes, continue to practice or start practising self love. i would also strongly urge you to find your inner core by journaling. first start describing how you are feeling and then slowly start inserting questions as if you are asking your higher guiding power and then slowly answers may start filtering. ask yourself as you feel that you are getting in touch with the higher power what should be done regarding this person you are obsessing. start asking less open ended questions and slowly after a lot of journaling, start asking more open ended questions, over time, the answer/s should come to you. please feel free to use this practice in other situations. on all accounts, pursue relationships but if you yourself are categorising this relationship then I urge you to ask yourself to reconsider this relationship. a lot of relationship advice is based on the fact that another person can only complement your life but you are to work towards finding fulfilment out of life on your own – another person cannot do that for he is trying to ensure fulfilment out of his own life! thus, i urge you to reconsider diving into a relationship with this man right now until you are clear on what you want from a relationship instead of lapping up whatever comes your way from this man. he must understand that going hot and cold is fine to test another’s interest but as it is bothering you then i believe the answer lies there – you seem to want to consider people who will be there for you and not carry out a hot and cold act. dating at any age is fun but like any other thing in life – you have to consider it with a strategy for if you don’t then there is a possibility that the other person will push his agenda at the cost of yours because after all, you don’t seem to have one. i hope this advice helps and i hope that i have not been too curt but i truly wish you the best as you handle your interactions with this man and i hope with other potential partners.
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