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Please help, I am totally lost

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)
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  • #53531
    Hopeful_human
    Participant

    Dear compassionate people,

    I am really really depressed and at the lowest point in my life. My wife of 10yrs cheated on me for more than a year with another person and I found out recently. Since then my life is literally a hell. I am not myself. I know we had fights and arguments (I don’t think it out of normal compared to many couples). She willfully betrayed me but blames it on the circumstances. How can circumstances be the reason for the number of times she cheated and the length of time (1+ year). She said during one of our fights that she did not love me. I thought it was only because of depression and anger she was mentioning that. I never ever thought she would do this to me. The worst thing that could happen, I was thinking, was separation from me – which I think I can probably digest. But not betrayal that too being with me – taking my love, energy, resources, thoughts, handwork and time. She said another time that she was leading a fake life with me for 10 yrs and did not have the guts to tell. If she has meant that she did not love me, why in the world she acted and also accepted my love and everything I did for her – she could have very well not touched or rejected those if she were so strong. I am totally devastated, it seems really narcissistic behavior to me. The most painful thing is to learn that I loved (still loving) a person who has no love or care for me!!! Her acts are synonymous to stealing from a blind beggar (me).

    With broken and bleeding heart!!

    #53554
    tree of life
    Participant

    It seems like your wife is not happy with you and that you could not make her happy. Her circumstances, not being happy and not being in love with you, pushed her into the arms of someone else. You write she was living a fake life with you for the last 10 years, that is very sad.
    I think it is time to give her her “real” life back (which is not really in your hands, you only can let her go and its up to her to stop living a fake life) and it is time for you to start to be happy again. You are going through a hard time. The worst you ever could imagine happened to you. You are at the lowest point in your life.

    I know what I say now might upset you but STOP being the victim.

    Take over the responsibility for the situation. Stop fighting it! What you resist you strength. I know that you suffer and that you are soooo sad about everything, but please
    try to accept the situation and accept your suffering and sadness as well, because this is part of it all. When you can accept that your wife is with someone else and that she cheated on you, it will help to pass this hard time much quicker. To come out of it much sooner. Of course you can decide to go the llooonnnnggg destructive way.
    Its up to you.

    Try to see yourself with the eyes of your wife right now, she looses the rest of respect she still has for you.
    Stand up, be strong!

    I feel you are a man with a very big heart and even you can not imagine right now that this is possible, I see you veeerrryyyyy hhaapppyyy with a wonderful woman on your side. She looks up to you with a smile. She loves you and she is very proud of you. With her you can be yourself, you dont have to pretend to be something you are not. I see a wonderful path in front of you. You have lovely guides around you.

    Please don’t be afraid to do the next important step, which should be talking with your wife without blaming her. Try to find a way to separate with her in a good way.
    Try to close that circle with her in love and not in anger. One day she will realize what she has lost!

    Be grateful for this big exercise and the possibility to grow!

    I wish you all the best and the strength to stand up and take over your life again.
    Lots of Love

    #53555
    tree of life
    Participant

    Just a little notice.
    Perhaps you could cancel the register of “Fallen Human” because you dont want to attract to fall more do you?
    Why dont you register new with “lifeisbeautiful” .

    That would be a tiny little step out of your deep hole!!!

    #53557
    Kimball
    Participant

    You have every right to feel devastated. That’s a lot of emotional investment wiped out with a few harsh words. What I’m wondering is about is your references to depression. If you’re sad/blue as a result of what you’re going through, that’s one thing. If you have been diagnosed with depression, that’s quite another matter. If you are sad or blue, the foregoing advice from members here is awesome. If you are clinically depressed, you should seek professional help in the form of talk therapy, antidepressants or both. Depression is so debilitating mentally, physically and emotionally that it would be virtually impossible for you to achieve a healthy outcome from your present situation.

    There is life after this storm and I hope you find it in bountiful measure.

    #53564
    Stripes
    Participant

    So interesting to see this. I feel I am the woman in this relationship, except I NEVER cheated. That is where SHE went wrong. I, too, felt I hated my husband and that I was living a fake life. Because we had children, I felt powerless because I couldn’t leave. So, why did I feel this way? I believe I wasn’t understood by him; that he didn’t truly know who I was and didn’t see my potentials and didn’t encourage me to be a better person. I felt he was trying to drag me down so he could feel better about himself or so he didn’t have to strive to be better himself. It took me about 9 years to realize this. And it took comments from people outside our relationship for me to even take notice of it. I was becoming a person I didn’t recognize anymore and it was driving me crazy. When I finally realized what the source was, I decided to take action. I thought about finding intimate relationships with other people, even if it was just talking; I thought about leaving in the middle of the night with my children; but what would that do to my karma? I would have this unresolved issue always on my back, so I decided to face the issue head on. I went straight to the source and threatened I would leave him. I told him I hated him and that I was living a fake life and that I was fake because he treated me with disrespect, sometimes passive-aggressively, sometimes outright in front of other people. (According to an article on this site, I was in a very TOXIC relationship. And I have to say, I am not perfect, but I consider myself to be a happy, spiritual, open-minded individual.) I expressed myself in the deepest, most passionate way possible to me. I screamed, I cried, I let all my fears out in the open. I told him everything I was feeling so he could really see it was real. Now this wasn’t the first time I tried to communicate with him. I had actually tried on several occasions over many years because I just FELT that something was not right between us. I think where YOU went wrong was not taking her seriously. Now, that does NOT justify what she did to you. Cheating is definitely betrayal. I believe the best relationships have open, honest communication where both people understand each other without judgement and help lift each other up to become better people. I agree with tree of life. Try changing your name. I hope my side of my story will give you some insight to what happened in yours. All the best to you.

    #53572
    Hopeful_human
    Participant

    Thank you Tree of Life. I will exercise your advise, since I am lost, it is total darkness for me. I need ray of lights like the advise you gave me to pull me out of this. I know it is going to be very challenging for me.

    My love has been always true and unconditional towards her. She even mentioned that no body in this world can love her like I do. Only after 10yrs of marriage, she is telling that her part of the love was not real – I was so shocked and still in the state of shock. I learned that she cheated on me over a year only a few weeks back. I am totally in disbelief as I feel as a victim (sorry to use this word) of a big con. How can she do this to me – betray and backstab- I am not an enemy nor a stranger – but a person who truly loves her and have been even willing to give my blood and life to her at all times. Not loving is one thing, cheating is actually rubbing salt on a bad bleeding injury.

    I know I am seeking advise on the internet, but I believe God finds his way to me through any means. I hope with His grace I will come out of this soon.

    Thanks again. I will also change my registration name.

    #53573
    Hopeful_human
    Participant

    Thank you Kimball. You are right, a few words can destroy a lot of emotional investment. Really ruthless, no empathy how it will come across to the other person, especially a person who loves her so much. I will try to seek some therapy/help. Thanks again.

    #53574
    Hopeful_human
    Participant

    Thank you Stripes. I am so sorry to hear that you went through such a trouble in your life and hope things are better or at least getting better for you.

    My wife could be partially the way you were, but I was always taking her seriously. But the problem is she told me that she did not love and the life she was leading was a fake only recently, I believe after she has started the affair. Before that she was always positive, even when we fought she used to tell me that it is okay and we can move on. She was so dormant to get what she wanted, only last one year she started to go for a job and somehow become financially independent (she started saving her earning in a separate account, and when I asked she said not to think about that money and asked that we keep that as a safety net. For me money is not important at all and I never suspected any foul play or she was doing it with an ulterior motive). I brought her to the US (we both came from India), taught her everything here, everything from scratch, educated her (sent her to college for MS degree) and helped her to find a job. If she has not been loving me why she stayed with me and why she took my love, gifts, efforts, energy, thoughts and everything. She very well know that I loved her. She could have rejected all of these. I think this is where she became very selfish and did not want to shake the boat until she stabilizes herself. We do not have any kids. We postponed child birth, because she insisted that she wanted a job/career. So this is not a show stopper if she wanted to leave. Now I think back, I realize that she postponed because she can check out easily if we do not have kids. Once we have kids, then the commitment can be a block for her. How selfish!

    As I was telling tree of life,

    My love has been always true and unconditional towards her. She even mentioned that no body in this world can love her like I do. Only after 10yrs of marriage, she is telling that her part of the love was not real – I was so shocked and still in the state of shock. I learned that she cheated on me over a year only a few weeks back. I am totally in disbelief as I feel as a victim (sorry to use this word) of a big con. How can she do this to me – betray and backstab- I am not an enemy nor a stranger – but a person who truly loves her and have been even willing to give my blood and life to her at all times. Not loving is one thing, cheating is actually rubbing salt on a bad bleeding injury.

    Thanks again Stripes.

    #53582
    Kelly
    Participant

    Fallen Human, I feel for you and understand the pain of betrayal. One thing I would encourage you to remember is that her decision to betray you was HER decision and is not an indication of your value. I think oftentimes we focus on our pain so much that we think the betrayal is about US – what did we lack, why weren’t we good enough, how could she do this TO you…. when in actuality it was likely not so much a malicious act against you but rather a selfish act all about her and her needs & desires. While it’s important to examine what role we play in the relationship deteriorating, remember that we all are responsible for our own choices. Try not to personalize the choices she made. You offered her love, support and care. She chose to have an affair and she will have to live with herself for making that choice.

    #53615
    Hopeful_human
    Participant

    Dear Kelly, thank you so much for the reply.

    As you said i have been constantly asking, what is wrong with me? What did i miss? Surely, there must be something otherwise why would she preferred some one else. May be that person is better looking, more sexy, dashing? I must be the most unloveable person who cant even win over his wife. I must be not appealing, physically unattractive. I am a person who failed to understand his own wife. Did i pain her so much and made our marriage a jail for her, that she was looking to escape once she got the wings?

    May be these questions have no meaning or may be there are no answers to these. One thing i can definitely say is that my love has been always true, no faking, and trusted her in all situations even on suspectable situations, since i loved her so much. I probably would gave believed if she has committed a robbery or even murder, but not this – cheating. I was always, a dedicated husband, at least, that us what i think.

    #53616
    Hopeful_human
    Participant

    Changed my name to hopeful_human

    #53617
    Stripes
    Participant

    I saw you changed your name. That is good. I told you about my situation with my husband. There was a time my husband became ugly to me, but this is only because I felt ugly myself. There is nothing wrong with your physical appearance. I promise. My situation was not entirely my husband’s fault. Sure, my husband treated me poorly in public, but I could see his efforts to change. I know he trusted me and cared for me in his own way. He seemed resentful that he was working to support the family. He left me at home with the children almost every day to go out with his friends for years. I became more and more isolated and he became more distant emotionally. Whenever I tried to communicate with him, he would get angry or blow me off. After I blew up and threatened to leave him after our kids were grown, he seemed to “get it.” He changed immediately. He explained he does love me and maybe his expression was incorrect. I must admit, I was not the most loving person either. Everyone has “issues” and sometimes they manifest themselves in the relationships we have with the people closest to us. I believe in communication. You seem like a very nice man. If your wife was missing something in the relationship, she should have told you. Cheating is horrible. Kelly is right. What she did has nothing to do with you. She was being selfish and dishonest. There is nothing wrong with you. My husband is also from an Asian culture, and I’m not sure if it makes a difference or not, but it seems Asian men care for their wives in a way that may be lacking emotional intimacy. I may be totally wrong about that. In any case, I understand my husband more now and I am trying to open my heart to him. I’m sorry your wife did not do the same for you. I wish you the best.

    #55419
    Hopeful_human
    Participant

    Hello Folks,

    Just an update….I have decided to part away with my wife as I do not want to continue the relationship with her. It is not fair to any of us to continue. I have asked my wife to be with her parents, so she has left the US and currently now in India with her parents. The court in India has given us 6 months time, if I do not reconsider the decision, it is final and we will be legally separated. It is going to be hard 6 months for me since I have loved her so much – every bits and pieces in the house reminds me of her. On the other day I saw a string of her hair in the comb and I felt so depressed and sad seeing that…I do not know why. I think what I am missing is my love towards her. It is clear that she did not love me (lately at least) and removed me from her heart. I doubt if she can betray me keeping me in the heart. Anyways, as I said, it is going to be difficult 6 months period for me. I hope I can come out of this.

    #55420
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Hello

    I am sorry that it turned out this for you but hey, good on you for being so strong and making a fair and quick decision.

    Stay strong and look after your own needs. Pls don’t waste any time trying to understand why she did what she did or if there is something wrong with you. If you have to grieve, pls do so but by being kind to yourself.

    You will be fine 🙂 and life will unfold besutifully. Just learn the lessons that this relationship was trying to teach you and move on to bigger and better things.

    Blessings,

    J

    #55438
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hopeful-

    I agree with Jasmine-3 and with your decision. I cannot imagine how upset you were and how difficult it must have been to get that news and to hear those words from her. My ex-wife did not cheat but I was totally lost when she asked for a divorce. I did see a therapist and it helped. You have been through a lot and need to move ahead now.
    If you can swing it, move to a new location and sell, donate or split up the stuff that reminds you of her and the bad experiences. I did this when I got divorced. The lemonade is you can set up your own place and enjoy doing it while you process it all. If you pick a new neighborhood you will meet new people.
    Good suggestion by the way from tree of life to change you id. It is better to be positive for you. Mine is big blue because I’m tall and I have blue eyes.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)

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