Dear Dafne,

Moving in with someone can sometimes make it harder to maintain clear boundaries, especially physical ones. I might be at risk that the other person pushes the limits I’m not comfortable with – or I might feel pressured – it could create stress, tension, or even harm the relationship.

Sure, and in most cases moving in together implies sexual intimacy as well, so if you don’t want that before marriage, then I guess there’s no point in living together, because it would be hard to maintain physical boundary in those circumstances.

Moving in together (even with the best of intentions and marriage as an end goal) doesn’t guarantee it will lead to marriage and might be a waste of time. It is like putting the horse before the carriage.

Also, it creates investments -emotional, financial, practical – but without a guaranteed commitment, he can decide to leave any time. This can lead to emotional stress.

Right, he can indeed. The way I see it: if someone wants to leave and it turns out they’re not compatible, it’s better they leave earlier than later, when you already have children and other (e.g. financial) commitments. My view is that it hurts less when someone’s true character is revealed sooner than later.

Of course, it doesn’t mean that the only way to get to know the person is by living together. I’m only saying that it’s better to get to know them – safely, without getting pregnant or getting involved in other long-term arrangements – before actually making the commitment of marriage.

In fact, with some types of people, e.g. narcissistic people, they’re known to pretend and not show their true colors until after the wedding day. They can be on their best behavior for an extended period of time, even up to a year, and then once you get married, they suddenly change, almost making a 180 deg turn.

Bill Eddy, social worker and lawyer in the family court, writes extensively about these kinds of people (he calls them high-conflict personalities, HCPs), and how to spot them already in the dating phase. You might want to read some of his articles, for example:

Dating Radar: 3 Ways to Spot Trouble Ahead
Dating? Why Wait a Year to Commit?
4 Red Flags of a High-Conflict Partner

(all of those articles are on psychologytoday dot com)

Problematic partners are those who blame others a lot, aren’t willing to admit their own mistakes, who don’t care about your feelings, who get into rage for minor disagreements, who you feel you cannot be yourself around because they get offended very easily, etc.

I think the last guy you were dating had some characteristics of a problematic partner: he would blame you and get offended if you asked valid questions about his business deals. He had no empathy for you when you got in trouble on the motorway but actually blamed you for the incident, and left you alone to deal with the problem. He abandoned you in times of need.

Anyway, something to keep in mind is that not even getting married is a guarantee for a healthy and happy marriage. Because some of the most problematic people might actually wait till the wedding day to show their true colors.

But as Billy Eddy says, certain behaviors give them away, such as love bombing, being too good to be true, pretending that they like the same things as you do (same taste in music, art, hobbies, etc), being unkind with “unimportant” people (unimportant in their eyes) such as waiters, while being extremely kind and polite with people they consider useful and important, etc.

I guess if you see a certain duplicity: that the person is kind and humble with certain people, while being rude and arrogant with other people (whom they consider “unimportant”) – that’s a big red flag.

There is some level of trust in me, but I still keep my guard up. As the elders always said, marriage -only marriage – opens the eyes, and love is blind. So until then, you have to keep your eyes wide open. After marriage, you are bound legally and in any other way, so better to make sure he is the person he says he is.

Yes, if our love is blind – if we don’t learn to recognize red flags in someone’s behavior and e.g. fall for their fake charm – then unfortunately the only thing that will open our eyes is marriage. That’s when they’ll show their true colors. But the goal is to have our “dating radar” working properly, so we can spot problematic people on time, before getting married.

And a part of that endeavor (of having a well-working dating radar) is to heal our childhood wounds. Because exactly our unmet emotional needs and subconscious fears is what can mess up with our dating radar. And that’s what I’m trying to stress – because that’s the key in picking a good partner. In addition to knowing what the red flags are and what behaviors to pay attention to.

There’s also a short and sweet video about relationship green flags, by Tess Brighman. It’s on youtube, if you want to check it out. Here’s what she says: the person listens to you, they have empathy, they have a level of self-awareness, you can count on them, and they treat people kindly.

I hope this helps answer some of your questions <3

Sending you lots of love! <3

Dear Dafne,

I’m still traveling and not frequently at the computer. I’ll write more in a few days. But I’m glad you understand my intentions and don’t take offense at me trying to look at possible deeper issues <3

But I’m also aware that things are not that simple and there are no easy solutions. But you’re getting more and more clarity, and starting to love yourself more and more, which is key in the whole process!

Dear Dafne, I’ve got to rush now, but hope to talk to you soon!

Lots of love! <3

Dear Peace,

congratulations on becoming a mom! I’m happy for you! <3 I’m also glad that you’re happy in your marriage and have a good, caring husband.

Wishing you continued peace and happiness! Take care! <3

Dear Dafne,

you’re welcome! I’m glad you’re gaining more clarity as we’re talking this through.

Thanks to you I also realized that those seemingly generous acts of kindness and gifts were not selfless at all. They were a means to an end, a way to trap me and try to gain emotional control over me. Once he realized he could not get what he wanted, his true face was revealed

Yes, very likely. Some people are like that – pretending to be kind only while it suits their needs, but once they have no use of you, they show their true face. But in fact, I don’t even think he was too kind during the relationship, based on what you’ve shared about him. I mean, he might have been kind in not pushing physical contact (i.e. respecting your wish), but he was manipulating you emotionally, very likely lying about his business affairs, and in general, pretending to be someone he is not. And then the last blow was his total lack of empathy after the motorway incident.

I want to be honest from the start that I don’t want to follow the modern approach where physical attraction comes first and dictates everything. I don’t believe in judging someone solely by their looks or rushing to satisfy immediate desires. Modern men (or rather liberal men) often seem impatient – they want everything here and now. If they don’t get it, they move on to the next best option. I don’t want to be part of that.

When you look at old movies – whether Western, Indian, Arabic, or Korean – you can see something truly beautiful. There’s a certain timeless glow in the way people connect: they start with important things, take their time, and show genuine respect for each other. That old-school approach feels so meaningful, so authentic, and it’s exactly the kind of connection I hope for.

It’s good you’re very clear about what you want. I remember we’ve been talking about that at the beginning of our correspondence, perhaps 2 years ago, and you said you want to be seen and cherished for the person you are, and not viewed as a sex object.

The question is, in this era of instant gratification, is it even possible to find that kind of connection? It’s a challenge, but I still believe it’s worth seeking.

I believe it is possible, however it’s more likely to find such a person in religious communities that practice premarital purity, for example. If you want no sex before marriage, or no sex before getting engaged, I think the safest is to look in such places. Or if you’re using a dating app, to list that as a requirement, or a preference, so there are no misunderstandings.

However, a word of warning: some traditional men, who respect similar principles of sexual restrain before marriage, might have very traditional view of women, where they see women primarily as mothers to child bearers and home makers. They don’t support the woman’s personal freedom and independence, e.g. pursuing professional goals and dreams, or any activities or hobbies that might go contrary to the man’s wishes.

So I think that trying to find a traditional man in this day and age might be a double-edged sword, and you need to be careful. Since you’re not really willing to take up the traditional role of woman – where the woman is subservient to man – if I understood you well?

There’s a certain timeless glow in the way people connect: they start with important things, take their time, and show genuine respect for each other. That old-school approach feels so meaningful, so authentic, and it’s exactly the kind of connection I hope for.

Hmmm… the old-school approach might be better in terms of how men view sex, however not necessarily in terms of genuine respect for women. I might be wrong, but it seems to me that the old-school attitude to women is not necessarily a healthy one but requires women to be in a strictly defined role, and in general subservient to men. The man makes all important decisions in the family, he is the “head of the family”, and the woman is there to support and care for him and the children. The man is also the breadwinner, while the woman stays at home to care for the children.

It’s okay it the woman wants it and chooses that role for a period of time (notably, while the children are young). However, if it is her only role, and she is forced into it and respected only for it, that might be a problem.

Tee, do you see the difference now and what I meant? So even if the friendship never evolves into anything more, I would still be happy to nurture and protect it. That kind of friendship is valuable in itself and worth cherishing regardless of what the future holds.

I’m not sure that friendship with a man is what you should be aiming for, because a friendship between a single woman and a single man who like and respect each other (and who are both heterosexual) is rare, I believe.

I think you should better aim for a man who respects you as a person, in your entirety, and doesn’t want you only for sex, or in another extreme – doesn’t want to limit you only to the role of child bearer and home maker.

If the man wants to put you in a box, without seeing and respecting the fullness of who you are – that in my book is not a healthy, equal relationship.

How did you talk about important topics without scaring him off? I want to be honest about starting with a meaningful friendship and emotional connection first, but I’m unsure how to communicate that naturally.

I agree that in a healthy relationship, your partner should also be your friend: someone you like spending time with, you can be authentic with, you don’t need to pretend, you have shared values, shared interests etc. I guess this is what you should be looking for in a potential partner.

Something’s just occurred to me: if you’re looking for a “traditional provider”, or a “traditional man”, it might limit your options because you’re looking for a certain role of man. But if you’re looking for a partner who is also your friend – e.g. with the characteristics I listed above – you might have a better chance of finding a good, healthy partner.

How much time would you give someone to propose if you don’t want to waste your time only dating?

Me and my husband dated for 5 years before getting married, and it was a long-distance relationship. I remember I didn’t want to pressure him to get married. And then he proposed 🙂 So it was kind of cool.

But I understand your situation is different and you want to have a certain time frame. So I’m not the best person to ask. But dating experts say you need minimum 1-2 years to really get to know the person. So anything under that time would be rushing things.

I’m struggling with my inner critic every day. Some days are harder, others a bit easier. But you’re so right, it does affect the mood, well-being and how you see yourself every day. It’s just that I’m not always consistent with it and I give up and fall back into being consistent with it. Especially when I’m dealing with stressful situations at home, work, or with my health, I feel a big chaos and confusion, and the inner critic is the loudest.

I think what makes things harder is that you not only have to deal with your inner critic, but also with the outer critic, who is your mother.

The problem is that we as children believe our parents’ qualifications of us. We believe that we’re not good enough, that we’re incapable, inadequate, or even that we’re selfish if we want to follow our own goals and dreams.

So I think that’s a big problem: that you believe your mother (at least a part of you believes her) when she criticizes you. And so there is both the inner and the outer critic, working in unison. And since you’re living with your mother, the outer critic is always present, and it serves as a magnifier of your inner critic.

Unfortunately, in such a constellation it’s very hard to keep a positive self-image, i.e. to love yourself and feel confident about yourself, because it’s very easy to get overwhelmed by those two critics.

I think you’d need to find a way to separate yourself emotionally (since physically isn’t really possible at the moment) from your mother’s influence. To stop believing her allegations about you, her criticisms and judgments of you.

For example, if she tells you you’re selfish, you should tell yourself you’re not selfish. If she tries to make you feel guilty, you should know you’re not guilty for having needs and wants of your own. And so on.

Instead of believing your inner and outer critic, the goal is to strengthen the compassionate voice of your “inner parent”. Believe the loving, compassionate voice, rather than the harsh, critical voice.

I know it’s easier said than done, but that’s what you need to do: again and again return to the loving, compassionate voice and reject the harsh, critical voice. Until you can truly feel love for yourself.

Dear Dafne,

Maybe, indeed, a baby is a way to trap a woman, or perhaps it’s just to create another illusion in her head. In reality, he may not even truly want it. Or perhaps he is simply so immature that he throws these words around without giving them the thought and seriousness they truly deserve.

I think you’re right, Dafne. He probably was just casually throwing the idea of having a baby, because he knew that’s something you wanted. It’s very likely that he himself didn’t want it. He was probably just telling you what you wanted to hear, without really meaning it, or having a plan of how to bring it about. That’s a very irresponsible behavior to say the least.

I just realized — if he’s not even capable of caring for someone lost on the motorway in a moment of serious distress, how could he possibly handle the much bigger challenges of living together, managing a household, and dealing with all the problems that come with it? I would even say that being with a man like that could be a disaster in the future.

Yes, definitely. He seems like someone who cares only about himself, worries about “being taken advantage of”, isn’t generous at all, and has failed to be your emotional support in time of need. I’d say that in general he’s a stingy, selfish man, who lives in the scarcity mindset and believes others want to exploit him. As a result, he is very unwilling to give – be it materially (e.g. to invite you to a dinner at a restaurant you like, even if it’s just once), or emotionally. He is a taker, not a giver.

If I decided to be with that man, I would probably end up suffering again, and he might be just as emotionally unavailable as people I’ve known before.

Oh yes, the incident on the motorway has shown that he is emotionally unavailable, that rather than helping you and comforting you, or waiting for you after the incident, he decided to leave and even accuse you of getting lost. He probably felt inconvenienced when you asked for help – because people like him don’t like when someone asks their help. He might have even felt “violated” in some way when you asked for help, and so he reacted defensively, accusing you and taking a hike.

That’s actually a typical behavior for someone who is a taker, who is very self-centered and is unwilling/unable to care (or have empathy) for other people. Having a child with such a man would be a disaster, I’m afraid.

You asked Anita how to approach men from now on:

Tee suggested that cultivating my inner voice is the next healthy step I could take before finding romantic love. I feel like most men are not interested or afraid to start with friendship. They always ask what I’m looking for at this stage of my life, but I don’t know what the best answer is. What is your opinion on that, Anita? Maybe I will not open up too much to them at first and say that I’m currently focusing on my professional projects and only have time for friendships at the moment.

Well, the truth is that if you tell them you only want friendship when in fact you’re testing them to see how they behave – is actually somewhat deceptive. So if you start playing games with them, an honest man with serious intentions will be put off.

I’m not saying you should be naive and tell them everything on the first date, but don’t hide your intentions. Don’t hide that you want a serious partner and that your long-term goal is to get married and have a family.

However, I still believe that you should first work on your own healing before you can “attract” a healthy, mature partner. Because if you have a tendency to deny your own needs and feel guilty about having them, chances are you’ll attract selfish men, like this last guy.

You say the inner child healing didn’t really work for you:

I’ve tried to be kinder to myself and apply the Inner Child therapy, but it fails in real-life situations, like with that man. How can I stop feeling guilty?

Tee, can you help me please to reprogram that old script? And yes, please tell me more about that inner child. I’ve checked some nice videos you suggested in the past, but I did not know how to practically apply them in certain situations. Especially when emotions take over the logic.

I’m glad you’ve tried to be kinder to yourself. Have you managed to silence the inner critic and get in touch with a compassionate voice inside of you? A voice that is telling you that you are lovable and worthy, even if you make mistakes?

Because that would be key for starting the inner child healing. First we need to get in touch with the loving and compassionate side of us, who is telling us that we’re good enough. That we’re lovable, worthy, special, etc.

That’s the voice of our true self, and also of our “inner parent”. We need that compassionate voice to heal our inner child.

So I’d encourage you to find and cultivate that voice first. When you’re loving, caring and gentle with your dog, for example, you’re using that same voice. You already have it, it’s in you – now you only need to apply it to yourself. To be gentle, patient, loving and forgiving with yourself. Do you think you can do that?

Dear Dafne,

I’m in the middle of traveling right now and don’t have time to reply, but I’d just mention one thing:

I knew about his health problems, but only recently found out that the doctors suspected that he had cancer. He told me that all is under control, but he is afraid that he may end up like his father (apparently, that’s how he lost him). So I suspect that he just wants an easy and enjoyable life right now without working too much. And me pushing him to find a stable job is, you know, inconvenient for him. He also felt too old to start a new work or change qualifications.

Do you remember Anita when we discussed the potential proposal in February? So now, when we met at the event, he told me a bit more about his intentions. He stated that he expected to buy me a simple jewelry or a simple engagement ring, and after that expected me to move in together and maybe have a baby! He did not tell me this before. For him engagement ring did not mean setting the wedding date. So I guess this time, he got tired of pretending and told me more than he eventually planned.

How does one combine fearing for one’s health and trying to work as little as possible, with having a baby, which in itself is very demanding and needs a lot of resources? This in itself is a huge contradiction!

Not to mention that he talks about having a baby very casually: “we’ll just move in together and maybe have a baby.” But who will take care of that baby? Who will ensure that the baby has everything it needs? And what about the baby’s mother – why doesn’t he want to marry her?

It’s almost as if he’s talking about having a baby as a means to an end. Perhaps to trap you? I don’t know, not quite sure about that, but things are definitely upside down in his head. Very worrying.

I’m glad you’ve decided to call it quits.

Dear Dafne, I’ll write more when I get the chance, but that might be only in a few days.

Till then, take care! <3

Dear Dafne,

thank you for explaining your current circumstances a bit more. I’m so sorry about the mean neighbor of yours. How come the authorities can’t do anything about it? Because if she is causing damage to animals and property, there has to be a way to sanction her, specially since she has a history of harassing neighbors. Unless the police is corrupt there, or something like that?

I’ve been thinking about your situation, and went back to read some of your correspondence with Anita earlier this year. What stood out is that with Anita’s help, you’ve come to the conclusion that this man isn’t really good for you, that he might have some ulterior motives and might even be expecting you to invest your own money into a house he would buy, since he has no money, works only occasionally for a friend of his, and lives in a tiny apartment.

He was manipulative, e.g. he was telling you to choose a restaurant you’d like, and then he’d say he cannot take you there (I guess because it’s expensive?). Also, he was sending you real estate ads and would ask you which house you’d like, only to later say that he cannot afford it and has no money for mortgage.

So it seems he saw you primarily as someone to help him solve his financial troubles – as a sponsor of sorts. I think that was his main goal, not love and a true, loving relationship.

And he was using the story about his “projects” as a bait, to convince you that some day he’ll be rich and will be able to take care of you and your potential children (since he knew that’s what you want from a man). So he presented himself as a “businessman”, when in reality, that was all a scam to lure you into getting attached to him and giving him money.

When you were discussing this with Anita, in February this year, this became obvious to you, or at least rationally you understood that he is a scammer. But emotionally, you couldn’t let him go. He could easily manipulate you by telling you that he’s sick, and you felt sorry for him. You didn’t want to break up with him while he was feeling “unwell” and didn’t want hurt his feelings (which he was regularly accusing you of). This is what you said back then:

Now I feel guilty that I offend him, hurt his feelings and leave him in the difficult time. He told me about his health issues. I feel sorry for him…

So he was guilt-tripping you regularly, pitying himself, telling you fake stories about his non-existing projects. And when you tried to get clarification, he would accuse you of not being supportive, not having faith in him etc. So it was a whole package of lies and manipulation – a spider web as you and Anita called it – which you got caught into, because he made you feel guilty.

In fact, I think there are more reasons why you couldn’t let go of him. You talked about them in February this year:

I grew up in household where I could not speak up my mind without being punished one way or the other. Every day I had a deep fear of consequences and being rejected by the only people I care about.

Now I feel guilty that I offend him, hurt his feelings and leave him in the difficult time. He told me about his health issues. I feel sorry for him…

And I am afraid that I won’t get another chance to find another friend and somehow also escape my reality at home. I live in a remote place and
my options are limited.

So, I think the reasons you couldn’t let him go were: 1) feeling guilty about hurting him (and being labeled as a bad person, I suppose), 2) fearing that you would be rejected if you speak openly about your needs and the things that bother you, 3) hoping that he would be your ticket to escape the abusive environment at home, 4) believing that you cannot leave home except via marriage.

Would you agree that the above is true?

If so, these fears and false beliefs all stem from your childhood and what you were conditioned to believe about yourself. You were taught that you don’t have the right to any needs, that you were selfish for having needs and wants, that you need to sacrifice yourself and serve others, even if it’s at your own expense, that you don’t know what’s good for you and that others (in particular, your mother) know better what’s good for you, etc etc.

In short, you were taught to shrink and deny yourself, so to please people who were basically impossible to please (your parents).

And now, you would need to reprogram that old script. You would need to heal your inner child and learn to love yourself. You’d need to stop feeling guilty for having legitimate needs and not wanting to sacrifice yourself for selfish people (be it your mother, father, or a manipulative, selfish partner).

What I’ve noticed is that if I tell her that I need space and quiet, she keeps talking and telling me about her old age and that I’m going to be alone…and it is really scaring me. And when I shut down, she needs that connection, and I don’t, as I get very overwhelmed and my health issues worsen. How to break that pattern?

She doesn’t let you have your space and time. I think she wants you to be at her disposal 24/7, so she can dump her negativity on you, complain about her difficult life, criticize you for your supposed weaknesses, etc. By doing that, she is keeping you under her psychological control, and is not allowing you to spread your wings. She is holding you down.

I’m afraid she doesn’t want true happiness for you. Instead, she wants you to remain in her control, and she’s using criticism, guilt-tripping and self-pitying to keep it that way.

Dear Dafne, you’d need to break free from that. You’d need to realize that you have the right to your own space, time, needs, wants, your own life. And you don’t need to remain her property for the rest of your life. In order to do that, you’d need to do some healing, e.g. inner child healing, which for me personally gave the best results.

I can tell you more about it, if you’re interested. Have to rush now, but hope to talk to you later.

Lots of love! <3