Dear Neverdyed,

I’ve re-read your earlier posts, and I see a lot of ambivalence on your part in your relationship with him, especially in the beginning. For example, the fact that you didn’t even like him very much at the beginning. You were surprised when he contacted you after you’d returned to your country (“When I returned to my country in 2018, I didn’t expect him to stay in touch, but he did and rather frequently, that’s why I got used to the pattern”).

You said in one of the posts last June that you don’t even want a relationship with him and would leave him when someone better comes along:

“In fact, I don’t really want to be in a relationship with him, just my obsession of letting people go makes me so. And I’ve always been aware that once there’s someone “better” here, I’d leave, yet the problem is there’s none and I’m not going to chase.”

You also said that he behaved more maturely than you (“The man acted maturer than me most of the time.”) and that after you’ve returned to your country in 2018, it was you who might have made your communication more difficult, by interpreting his messages negatively, after which he might have ran out of patience:

“It’s true that I’d kept many things to myself when he and I were able to meet in person. And it’s awkward for me to express at times. Then I returned to my country, the main communication was via messages, I already tend to over analyse, without seeing the other’s facial expressions, I interpreted messages negatively often. I know it can be tiring for him to deal with me from time to time, yet it’s definitely worse for me. I decided to open up a little (the core one was my fear of people’d disappear, as it’s happened several times) after sensing some changes in the relationship and reading psychological stuff. Maybe he was encouraging in the beginning, then he either ran out of patience or simply shifted his attention.”

Since you were quite ambivalent about him in the beginning, and got very attached as the time went by, I can imagine that your initial lack of interest and a sort of indifference was a protective mechanism. You thought that nothing would come out of the relationship anyway, so why get too excited. Perhaps you referred to this state of indifference as “ashes”, which he then ignited each time he contacted you.

As the time went by, I am guessing you were less and less indifferent, started to get attached to him, but because of your protective mechanism, you didn’t show it very much. He was initiating contact, you were responding, but you were careful not to start a chat when it’s not “your turn”, because what if he doesn’t want to hear from you. You also didn’t inquire much about his life or his family, because you thought it would be intrusive. You were protecting yourself from rejection and humiliation, you didn’t want to let on that you care about him.

So you were getting more and more attached, perhaps you even started believing that this could turn into a serious relationship, but you didn’t express it to him, you didn’t show too much enthusiasm to him. What you did show was a certain “negativity” (when you misinterpreted his messages), maybe accusing him of things, which he didn’t like because it was supposed to be a light, casual relationship, in which people don’t demand things from each other.

I can even imagine that his initial enthusiasm and “affection” was because you said you weren’t interested in a committed relationship, and he felt safe. When you started expressing some “heaviness”, perhaps some passive aggressiveness and veiled accusations (I don’t know, just guessing here), he didn’t like it and started withdrawing.

For him, with his avoidant attachment style, any kind of demand for regular contact, exclusivity and commitment would feel like a threat. So as you were getting ready to put down your guard at least a little and peek out of your shell (while still being careful not to show your affection too much), he was already withdrawing because he sensed you wanted more than he was willing to give.

During this whole process you’ve realized that a casual relationship isn’t what you actually want. You want a real, committed, exclusive relationship. It’s something he most probably isn’t willing to give you. He realizes he makes you sad, but doesn’t feel responsible for your sadness, since he never promised you anything more than fun. But you are hurting because although in the beginning you thought you don’t care, you ended up caring quite a bit.

Please correct me if I made wrong assumptions and if your relationship wasn’t like that. If you feel it’s mostly true, I am sorry it happened like that. It was painful but you don’t need to repeat it, if you understand how and why it happened, and how your own attitude might have contributed to it.

Dear Eva,

so he was secretly dating his ex, but not while the two of you were together, but before that? (I misunderstood earlier that he was meeting with his ex while the two of you were dating).

Well, it’s curious they would keep it a secret. Because I guess at that time he didn’t have any “moral” reasons to keep it a secret. Maybe she did?

In any case, you were put in a situation where you needed to hide your love for him, not to hurt someone else’s feelings. You said you both agreed to it (“we couldn’t find a reasonable idea how to be free in a relationship“), but how did you feel about that?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Tee.

Dear Neverdyed,

“Thanks for clarifying, but did you feel that now I’m rather willing to demand anything from him??”

No, I don’t think you’d demand anything from him anymore, since from what you’ve expressed, it seems you’ve realized you don’t want to continue in an open, not committed, on/off relationship.

I just thought that him suggesting other lovers happened later chronologically than you protesting against on-off contacts. But as you say now, it happened earlier.

I checked your earlier posts again, to put together a more coherent picture, since it’s a little hard to follow the timeline. One thing stood out, which I haven’t noticed earlier:

“During the time when we were together, there were deep conversations and I could talk better, and he’s the one who showed more affections. He started to get distant after the reunion (which was fine still).”

What do you think happened at the reunion which made him distance himself from you? When you say “which was fine still”, does it mean it didn’t bother you so much back then that he got distant?

Dear miaim,

is there a particular reason you’ve started questioning your choice of art as a career path? You said you’ve never questioned it much before, you simply knew it was a good choice for you and you went with the flow. But now, during the pandemic, I suppose you had more time on your hands and you started thinking about it more? What do you think is making you doubt yourself at this point?

Dear Ryan,

I am sorry that things with your coworker didn’t work out. You did give your best and was very supportive for her, you cooked meals for her and held her in her arms without pushing for anything more. She could feel safe and cared for with you. However, she wasn’t ready for that, and it is, at least partially, because she’s battling her own demons and trying to numb her pain with drugs and alcohol. You saw this very well:

“I’d get bits and pieces of the stressors and traumas that were her life when she was younger, but she always keeps those walls up or uses alcohol to lean on.”

Although your meetings with her were often light and carefree, as you say, she’s carrying a lot of pain inside, which she’s trying to numb with those addictions. She is working with a counselor, so she might be free some day, but not just yet. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons why she doesn’t want to get more deeply involved with you – because she knows she isn’t able to give you the love you deserve. Or, she is afraid of another intimate relationship. Or both.

Whatever it is, at least she was honest about her unwillingness to get romantically involved with you. She never gave you false hopes, although it appears she did enjoy your company. But for her, it wasn’t going to happen. It doesn’t make you a less worthy or desirable person, it’s just that this concrete girl refused you. It has nothing to do with you, but with her.

What I am noticing is that you are (at least until this last post where you’re a little bit disillusioned) still showing some of the savior complex, which you talked about before. You said:

“I thought that I could be a good influence in her life, and maybe I was/am?”

“It is my hope that she will continue to distance herself from the “unsavory characters” and the drugs.”

“I feel that I am a positive and calming influence in her life and I would like to continue to be.”

“I’d like to see her live a cleaner life and live up to the potential I see in her”.

You also said she’s an old soul, intrigues you as a person and would like to know her better:

“I would like to know her better than just a work friend that I hang out with. Not in a romantic sense, but I’d hope she’d drop her walls a bit so I can know her better.”

“I’m just not comfortable doing without knowing her better.”

These are all signs that you’re trying to save her. You’d like to know her better, understand her traumas, and be the person who helps her climb out of it. Even if she’s refused a romantic relationship, you still hoped to have an intimate relationship with her, to be a friend who she can confide in and talk about her problems.

But unfortunately, saving others never works. She is the only one who can save herself. She’s probably already working on it, but since she’s still suffering with addiction, it means the wound is deep and she doesn’t know how to cope otherwise.

It’s not your task to help her, moreover she isn’t asking for your help either. She wants to keep things light and playful with you, and now she’s even made inappropriate comments about the repair man, which to me signals she’s putting up a protective shield and wants to distance herself from any intimacy with you. It appears to me that she wants to be left alone with her pain (and her addictions), she doesn’t want you to interfere. It’s not the healthiest choice but it’s her choice, and you can’t do much about it but to respect it and to spare yourself from further pain.

The question I would ask myself if I were you is why you have the need to save her. Usually when we want to save someone, we’re avoiding to look at something in our own psychology that needs to be solved. We’re working hard on changing them instead of looking at what needs to be changed in us.

Dear Neverdyed,

I am glad you’re trying to get to the bottom of the problem, that’s the only way to resolve it.

“The last video chat ended after he said I’d made him responsible (I couldn’t hold my tears because I missed him even without addressing it).”

Could you explain this? In his view, what have you made him responsible for?

“Somehow I think only marriage empowers the couple to demand/request what he or she wants/expects, maybe it’s because it’s formal? As for my idea about marriage, I believe it’s related to my parents’ terrible divorce, but I’ve stopped claiming that it’s all their fault. I don’t mind having a partner for life, just “getting married” is totally unnecessary for me, the most important thing is being faithful/loyal. Now it seems weird to me for how infidelity scares me off as it has nothing to do with my parents’ divorce!”

So your parents had a difficult divorce, and it probably affects your idea of marriage. That’s why you don’t want to get married. You only want loyalty, however, here is one big problem: you said you can only request things (I guess this includes loyalty) if you’re married. So how do you request loyalty if you’re not married? Do you see your internal contradiction?

It’s totally understandable that infidelity scares you, in the sense that you don’t want to have an unfaithful partner. But you need to be able to demand that from him – even if you’re not married. That’s called a committed relationship.

So what would happen if you’d demand faithfulness from your partner? We already know that the man you’ve been involved with refused to be faithful. Not only that, but he suggested that you too should have more than one lovers (“he suggested me have more than 1 lover to avoid being stuck”). That’s when you started withdrawing and have been trying to forget about him, but it was very hard and it made you suffer a lot.

But also notice that him suggesting infidelity was the line you didn’t want to cross. You could tolerate his long silence, his not answering your messages for days on end and other stuff, but you couldn’t tolerate him being unfaithful. And that’s fine, that’s a healthy instinct. That’s a minimum in a healthy and loving relationship.

Do you think you could demand that from a future partner? Or there’s something standing in the way?

“Finally, I’d like to bring up a question since I’m quite afraid of being a third party without knowing it in the future… How to tell if a man’s single?”

Well, if he’s available to chat during the day (or if he’s busy working during the day, then in the evening), he’s available to meet during the weekends, he isn’t secretive about where he goes and how he spends his time, you‘re allowed to call him, you’re invited to meet his friends or his family… Also, he doesn’t promote open relationships, he doesn’t talk about having more than one partners, he isn’t avoiding you, he is eager to spend time with you…

Dear Felix,

In your posts you’ve mentioned several times that you’re hoping to get some positive feedback from the universe, but nothing is coming your way:

“I do send out love into the universe. I don’t do it as a favor so I can get back something from it, but I hear silence in return. In fact, it often happens that I get adversity and hardship in return.”

“It’s just been so stale lately that I don’t remember what it feels like when something cool or interesting comes my way because of a coincidence. I am trying to send out positive thoughts into the Universe and I really hope to get some feed back.”

“I am not giving up, but I haven’t had any good or positive news in a very long time. … I am just so tired of it all that I would do anything for something good, fun, exiting to happen.”

So it’s like you’re trying so hard, you’re giving your best, but no good news in return.  You only hear crickets, or even worse, you experience more adversity. It’s like you’re saying: “please, I am doing my best, I am trying so hard to be a good person. Why don’t you show me some love in return, why don’t you show me that you care at least a little??”

It seems to me it’s how a child would talk to a parent. “I am trying to be a good boy, I am doing everything to please you. Why can’t you show me some love already??”

Does that ring a bell for you? Because what could be happening is that you’re subconsciously trying to please your parents (and now an external authority like God or the universe), but you feel you’re not good enough. You’re judging yourself harshly:

“I am trying to forgive myself, to be more precise, I am talking to myself about moving on, but like a sadomasochist I am continuing to punish myself.”

“I am trying to be patient, accepting, and loving of myself. I realize how important it is to love myself and be fair (from learning about Buddhism), but this alter-ego inside of me continues to punish me for effing up.”

One part of you knows – the rational part – that the key is to love and accept yourself. But the other is still judging you for being imperfect. That’s the inner critic, which is most likely the internalized voice of your parent(s). So there’s an inner child within you, which is being tormented by the voice of the harsh inner critic. What it needs is that you become a good, loving parent to that little boy. To stop judging him and pushing him to be better, but to love him and accept him just as he is, with no conditions. This will change the entire “constellation”, so to speak, and things will almost certainly start changing in your outer life too…