Dear Nar,

Thank you for replying. Let me first answer your question.

“You mentioned you had love-hate relationship with your  mother. What is like your relationship with her now?”

I live in another country, I visit her a few times per year (except for 2020 – we haven’t seen each other for more than a year now), and I talk on the phone almost exclusively with my father. She doesn’t approve of my life, of the career path I’ve chosen, she thinks I’m ruining my life. And she’s blaming me for her misery. So it’s business as usual, except now I am much less affected by her attitude. I don’t hate her or resent her. I accept her and even have compassion for her, but I keep a distance. There’s no closeness between us. And she doesn’t want much contact with me either, since she always starts crying when we speak, and also, because she lost hope that I’d change.

So we’re distant and I don’t think it will ever change, because she never really saw me, and never really had faith in me, and it’s hard to be close with someone when you don’t feel that kind of support.

You mentioned the attachment issue, and that you’re afraid your loved ones would die. I too had a strong separation anxiety, and I think it’s due to the fact that my parents left me at my granny’s when I was around 1,5 years old. They left me there for 9 months, and came to visit only rarely (I spoke about that in another topic). I didn’t know about that till I was much older, but it explains my fear of abandonment and of my loved ones dying. Do you know what your anxiety is tied to? You mentioned the political situation in your country and your family fearing for their safety, if I understood it well?

You said in your reply to Anita: “I understand my mother was just a product of her environment.”

It’s okay to have understanding for our parents. I too understand that my mother was a wounded child herself, that’s why she behaved the way she did. You can also say it was customary to hit children when they didn’t perform in school, and everybody in your surroundings did it. Nevertheless, it doesn’t mean those things didn’t cause trauma. Sometimes there’s collective trauma because the children are brought up in unhealthy ways. This results in collective anger and hate, which then can cause war…

What I am trying to say is that we can understand all this and forgive our parents, however we also need to heal the trauma, because it did happen. It’s okay not to blame or hate your mother, but it’s also necessary to say “this was wrong, this is not the way to treat a child”. And even that’s not enough (I mean, intellectual understanding is not enough), we need to heal our inner child in order to be truly free from trauma.

You say: “I felt pain and hurt from my past relationships and failed friendships more than from my mother, more pain from the suffering and injustice in the world than my mom’s silent treatments…maybe I was  “trained” in a certain way in my childhood to respond to these situations, and I acquired these reactions in my childhood.”

Yes, you were molded as a child to view yourself and the world in a certain way, and you still react from your wounded inner child, especially in intimate relationships or friendships. That’s why they cause you trouble. I also agree with you that replacing the negative self-talk with pep talk like “I am the most worthy person in the world and nothing is my fault” is not the solution. Because you’re not “the most worthy” person in the world, BUT you are worthy. We are all worthy. The inner child needs to know that and feel that. That’s how healing happens. Only then can our old patterns change…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by Tee.

Dear Neverdyed,

“Good to see you responding further, somehow I feel that you’re a man and no offense.”

I am a woman, and no offense taken 😊 Just curious why you thought I was a man? Because it might be useful in understanding how you see men vs women, that is, what features you think are features of a man vs those of a woman.

“I’ve been fully aware that without the formal title, I have no right to ask much, but actually, I still don’t suppose I could demand a lot even if it’s a committed relationship.”

If I understood it well, your relationship was never meant to be a committed relationship. Whose idea was it? How did you feel about being in such a “loose” relationship?

And could you clarify – what do you mean when you say that you couldn’t demand much even in a committed relationship?

“And yes, I definitely don’t want to be humiliated ever again.”

True intimacy is possible only if we’re vulnerable, if we honestly share how we feel. However, you don’t need to be vulnerable with people who don’t deserve it, who don’t care about you or respect you. This man doesn’t seem like someone who’d appreciate your vulnerability, or care to reciprocate. But somewhere down the line, the right person might come along, and then, it will be important for you to be able to come out of your shell, without being so afraid to share yourself.

“The big question for me at the moment is, should I save my energy and simply stay silent or should I “list” my points “in case he pops up once again”?”

Well, what would you like better? I think that for the sake of breaking the pattern of silence and withdrawal, it wouldn’t be bad to stand up for yourself and express how you feel or have felt. But you might also decide it’s not worth it because he wouldn’t understand it anyway, or that his remarks might hurt you, so better to stay silent. What’s important is that you’ve understood it and that you’ve decided not to tolerate certain behaviors any more.

Dear miyoid,

I am glad you found our ideas and suggestions helpful.

“If someone is understanding me, showing me empathy or showing me kindness about these deep topics, I burst into tears, I cannot help it.”

It’s probably because of a deep longing in you for care and attention, so when you feel you’ve received it to a degree, it’s both touching but also causing sadness because it takes you right back to your childhood and those memories of feeling abandoned and not cared for. Am I guessing this right?

If so, try to register this feeling of being cared for as something positive, and add it to the pool of positive experiences in the present moment, rather than allowing it to trigger sadness from that old pool of negative childhood memories. If you know what I mean (it does sound somewhat confusing).

I also think it’s great what Anita suggested to keep posting here on the forum while your boyfriend is away, to make it easier for you in the following days and weeks.

Regarding your boyfriend, you say: “But it seems like there are not any psychiatrist or psychologist good enough to help him. I don’t know what can be done, he doesn’t know as well. Being abandoned by one of the best and the most expensive psychiatrists around here, he feels helpless, I guess.”

What is his diagnosis, if I may ask? And why did his therapist quit their sessions? Did they suggest someone else?

“I’ll have to keep going by waking up everyday, running to the office, working for hours and hours, getting back home exhausted, sleep for a couple of hours and do the same thing over and over. That would be the case whether he stays or leaves.”

You seem to have a very exhausting and demanding job, which hardly gives you any free time. Is there a way to make it a little less exhausting, or could you find another job?

Dear Neverdyed,

Thanks for your welcome! And for replying and clarifying.

You say: “I checked it before and found that I might have an anxious attachment style or so, haha. I did open up to a degree long time ago, but it’s not appreciated, so to protect myself from being hurt again, I’ve chosen to share far less now.”

You’re right, you’re not avoiding closeness. In fact, you would appreciate it, but you’re discouraged by him not welcoming it, so you withdraw into your shell, not sharing much about what’s going on inside of you. You’re kind of pretending that you don’t care, or at least not that much, although you do.

You did tell him once “I don’t need on and off contacts”, but he didn’t see any problem with that, even claiming it wouldn’t be healthy to talk every day. He also said that if he doesn’t reply for a week or so, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. That’s a spin, because in reality, if we care about someone romantically, we want to be in touch frequently. So you did express your need, which is a good thing, but he brushed it off and then you’ve withdrawn. You haven’t expressed your need again, except passively, by being cold and reserved.

You say you behave like that because of your pride (I don’t want to be seen as “oh, I’m so interested in you”. I recalled the other day that I once told him something like “I care too much about my pride, so even if I want something, I wouldn’t say it”.) Actually I don’t think it’s pride, rather it’s fear of getting hurt and humiliated if you admit how much he means to you. You fear rejection if you express yourself, express your need and make yourself vulnerable. So you say a little bit, you peak out of your shell, and then you go right back since you weren’t welcomed with open arms.

A part of the reason could be because your mother used to criticize your singing. You showed yourself, i.e. made yourself vulnerable, and she ridiculed it, or something to that effect?

She also told you were self-centered:

“I think I might be self-centered in my childhood, and now I still am somewhat so, just when I was with him or another friend, I believe that I usually put their needs first.”

I don’t know at what age she started telling you that, but a child is naturally self-centered. Children want their needs to be met first, they want their toys, they’re all about “it’s mine, give it to me!” It’s a natural child’s instinct, but if it’s constantly put down and criticized by their parents, the child later won’t be able to express their needs and stand up for themselves.

You’ve mentioned multiple times that you don’t want to be selfish with your boyfriend, even though what you hoped for from him wasn’t selfish at all. It was normal to expect in a loving relationship. But he told you it was selfish, or unhealthy (you said he judged you when you demanded more contact.) So I think there’s a connection there: he’s judged you as being selfish, similarly to how your mother judged you. And it was simply for expressing your legitimate needs. You’re not selfish at all, you just want what’s rightfully yours.

“when I was with him or another friend, I believe that I usually put their needs first.”

Yes, because you suppress your own needs, even if they are legitimate.

Think about that. You were never selfish, you were told you’re selfish, which is not true. You have the right to demand certain things for yourself. You have the right to express your needs.

Dear Felis,

It’s great you’re discussing all those things with your therapist and putting them into perspective. Your mom throwing books at you if you don’t know the answer could be a pretty bad trauma, though you might have not taken is so badly since she later apologized. But as you say, it left a mark on you, and it actually might have impacted your self-esteem. How do you feel about yourself? Do you have self-confidence?

You say: I think, for now, I am trying to parent my inner child that, ‘I’m safe and my parents will never leave me behind.’

When you’re soothing your inner child, try to also phrase it as if you were a good parent to that child. So you might say something like “you’re safe and I will never leave you behind.” You can discuss it with your therapist first, but I think phrasing it like that would help even more.

Dear John,

Your words show that you have a lot of self-awareness and insight, which is great! I think you’ve even defined the crux of the problem: your fear of becoming like your father, which sort of became a self-fulfilling prophecy for you. As you said it yourself, that fear drove you to do your best and excel at so many areas of your life.

What I’ve learned recently is that there are two types of motivation: one is to move away from something, and the other is to move towards something. It appears you were driven by the first kind, wanting to move away from the destiny that has befallen your father. But this kind of motivation can only take you so far, because it’s exhausting to be constantly running away from something. It’s much easier to run towards something that you want and desire. To be motivated by love, by an open heart, by expansiveness, rather than by fear and constriction.

Another important thing that I believe can help you is to stop judging yourself so harshly. You haven’t explicitly said it (and I am sorry if I am rushing with this assumption), but I have a feeling you’ve been pretty harsh on yourself, pushing yourself to be great at many things and to keep a high standard: to be a great boyfriend, friend, take care of yourself, eat healthy… simply, to be at the top your game. You’ve managed to do that for a while, but when you and your girlfriend broke up (for which you’re blaming yourself), I guess this inner critic started a full-blown attack on you, and it all collapsed, so to speak. You’ve collapsed. That’s when things started to go south for you, in all areas.

In order to pick yourself up, you’d need to learn to counter the voice of the inner critic and develop more compassion for yourself. To be like a good parent to yourself, have compassion if you make mistakes, don’t expect perfection from yourself. Because we’re human, we’re allowed to make mistakes.

So you go slowly, one step at the time, and if you make a mistake and fall, you get up and shake off the dust. And try again. Like a child learning to walk. You don’t have to be Superman, you don’t have to excel at all things at all times. Small steps, lots of compassion. At least that’s how I see a possible path ahead.

Let me know what you think…

Dear Neverdyed,

I’ve only joined the forum recently and was catching up with the very interesting conversation on this thread. From your recent posts, it appears you’re still keeping in touch with your male friend, but now you’re cold with him, and he doesn’t like it. Did I get that right?

It seems to me that both of you have the avoidant attachment style, meaning that both of you are afraid of intimacy and a deep, honest sharing of yourself. Of vulnerability. Because without vulnerability, there’s no intimacy, and there cannot be a deeper bond between two people.

I don’t know what his story is and why he’s afraid of intimacy, but clearly, his actions suggest that he doesn’t have serious intentions with you, and that he believes it’s okay to forget about you for days on end and not reply. Even, that daily contact wouldn’t be “healthy”.

You asked anita if he behaves like this because you’re too much to handle (so he needs to put a boundary to protect himself), or because he doesn’t care. Unfortunately, it’s because he doesn’t care – because you’re not asking too much. On the contrary, you’re hardly asking anything!

As anita noted, you’re afraid to express your needs, to initiate contact, to even demand things that are rightfully yours, because you’re afraid of rejection. You’re also afraid of being like your mother if you’re too assertive or “demanding”. The result is that often times you stay silent, withdrawn, unexpressed.

Earlier in the conversation, you said that you mother used to tell you “you have good grades in school, but you need to change your attitude towards people”. What exactly did she mean by that? What attitude towards people did you have?

It seems that during childhood, you witnessed two unbalanced ways to deal with conflict: one is your father’s, who’d rather leave the house or stay silent throughout the conflict (basically, he escaped conflict, choosing not to express himself). The other is your mother’s, who complained a lot, attacking and blaming your father (for being the victim, for serving your father while he behaves like in a hotel, etc). If I understood well, she was also provoked by his silence, which made her even more furious.

You decided that you liked your father’s style better, that it’s more mature, while your mother’s is immature and childish. In reality, neither is better or worse, both are unbalanced. Neither attacking and blaming the other, nor escaping confrontation will actually solve the problem. Expressing ourselves and asserting our needs, while at the same time respecting the other and taking into account their needs as well, would be the middle way.

Anyway, enough for now, I’ve written a lot. Hope this was helpful in some way and that with time, you resolve your conflicts.