Dear Paradoxy,

About your parents’ supposed love for you:

This love is similar to the love my parents have for each other. They constantly fight and never have any intimate moments or anything

My father and I are same on the fact that we never forget the times when we were hurt, especially by those close to us, and that is exactly what he feels toward my mother cause she has humiliated him multiple times and my mother doesn’t like apologizing so she never will.

But technically speaking they still spiritually love each other. … They know their roles as husband and wife and parent and so they choose to work things out for the sake of the greater good.

What you are describing is not love, but constant arguing, hostility and lack of respect for each other (as well as lack of tenderness and kindness towards each other). They were/are raising their children in that hostile, love- and tenderness-deprived environment, for the “greater good” of fulfilling the social norm of being married and having children. The norm and the form may be satisfied, and it may look good on the outside, but on the inside, there is so much suffering, and so much harm done to their children (or at least to one of their children: you).

But technically speaking they still spiritually love each other.

They don’t love each other “spiritually”. That’s not love. As I said, that’s fulfilling the social norm and looking good on the outside. But generating hell on the inside.

But this kind of life is not what I aspire for which is why I am trying my best to find a wife before they decide to marry me off to some stranger who is also doing what their parents told them to. I want a real bond, not a spiritual bond or a bond of responsibilities or a bond for the greater good.

I guess your father have taught you that what they have is a “spiritual bond”. Which I guess should mean to stay together even if they hate and disrespect each other. They have a bond of responsibilities, but it seems they felt very burdened by that responsibility (of raising children) because they believe you should thank them for giving you the bare minimum: for not leaving you to starve.

It seems that the burden of having children feels very heavy for them – they don’t do it gladly, maybe they even resent it. And maybe that’s why they made you feel like a burden –  because any other need beyond physical need was too much for them to handle.

In short, it seems they did their duty resentfully, with clenched teeth, not with love. And in that forced arrangement, there was no love for their children either.

I am trying my best to find a wife before they decide to marry me off to some stranger who is also doing what their parents told them to. I want a real bond, not a spiritual bond or a bond of responsibilities or a bond for the greater good.

You cannot find true love if you believe that what they have is love. They didn’t teach you what true love is – neither by education nor by their own example. It’s no wonder you fell for a narcissist, with zero amount of empathy for you, similar to your parents. You didn’t learn how to respect yourself and have empathy for yourself, and so you tolerated to be lied to, cheated on and manipulated.

And you also fought for hours/days/weeks on end, similarly to your parents. So this kind of toxicity in the relationship (constant arguing) was normal for you – because that’s what you were familiarized to.

So again, trying to find a loving wife while not healing your emotional wounds and false concepts of love will be impossible.

In my father’s words, he said that I should at least consider their opinion when deciding things cause it is the least I can do as a form of respect to them as my parent. In one way, thinking about their opinion does help me make some good choices but it is still a mental prison.

Your father exercises total dominance over you. He calls you daily and preaches to you for a full hour, he is telling you whom to talk to and be friends with, he knows your schedule to the slightest detail and controls your movement. He is not just giving you his opinion, which you should consider. He is telling you what to do. His approach is not parental advice, it’s total control.

You are lying to yourself (gaslighting yourself) that what he is doing is giving you advice. He is not. He doesn’t give you any freedom to decide differently. He demands obedience.

That’s why it feels like mental prison. Not because you are an unruly child who refuses to accept your father’s well-meaning advice, but because he wants you to be a robot who follows his commands.

The closest scenario to depict my situation is that of a balloon filled with helium, always held down by someone and when college came, the length of the balloon thread was extended, but still held down by someone. If that person had chosen to let the balloon fly, the balloon would have soared too high and popped due to the atmospheric pressure and heat.

Again, these are excuses for his tyrannical behavior. He is keeping you down – not to protect you from potential danger, but to keep you enslaved. He might have told you this is for your own good, but he is doing it to fulfill his need for control.

They may be toxic but that doesn’t make them stupid or unwise. Poor parenting doesn’t mean they don’t have wisdom. They were still able to shape me into someone good morality-wise even with the suffering. I am still grateful for that.

Again, you’re gaslighting yourself. A toxic person cannot be wise. They taught you the main commandments: not to lie, cheat, and steal. But they didn’t teach you how to recognize an emotionally abusive person (like themselves), or another kind of emotionally abusive person who unlike your parents does lie, cheat and steal (B). They didn’t impart on you true wisdom, because they’ve conditioned you to take abuse and find excuses for it. And you are still doing it, in this very post.

He also taught me self-observation and psychological analysis to read into the person better.

Well, he clearly didn’t do much self-observation, otherwise he might have noticed how tyrannical he is.

I’m not as good as him in reading people

You mean reading people to humiliate them? Because that’s what he did to you: he told you if you have emotional issues, you are an idiot.

Besides, they were right about B, so don’t u think I should still consider their opinion cause they could be right again?

Yes, you can “consider their opinion”. But as I said, you so far were not allowed to not listen to their opinion, i.e. to disobey. You didn’t tell them about B at all, right? So you couldn’t even ask for their advice. Because you know what would have followed if they had learned that you’re dating someone who is not approved by them.

What I am trying to say is that you can’t use their counsel and “consider their opinion” – you either do what they tell you, or you don’t share with them at all. Those are your only two options.

The suffering also taught me to care for others more deeply, even though all of them just take advantage of my love and care anyway.

Yeah, your parents’ upbringing made you to deny most of your needs and in a way, become a doormat for others. You believe your needs don’t matter. It seems you want to be loved by denying your own needs and instead helping others. But if we don’t love ourselves and don’t have empathy for ourselves, we will end up being like a doormat. People unfortunately won’t appreciate us, and this is what seems to be happening to you too. When that girl who complained a lot (the eldest of 3 sisters) didn’t appreciate your attempts to help her.

I have come to accept that no one will love me for who I am; to love me for my awkwardness and my cringe and my flaws etc. It will just be taken advantage of or looked at in disgust.

Unfortunately, your parents won’t love you for who you are. Their love is tyrannical and extremely conditional. And it is not even love. The sooner you realize it, the better.

You of course have flaws, like we all do. And you can work on those flaws. You’d need to do a lot of healing, due to all the emotional trauma that happened to you. But first, you’d need to stop being grateful for the non-love that you’ve received from your parents.

Technically speaking, they were right about B, so…. they did know what was best for me….

Have you ever introduced her to them? Because they judge women based on skin color, or a place they were born. So if according to them, most women, specially Caribbean, are gold-diggers, then sure, they were right. But not because they’ve met the girl or know anything about her, but because she happens to fit their prejudice.

He is still one of the respected men at his work and among our communities because they know they can rely on him to get a job done and that he is loyal and won’t do illogical things and etc. He is just poor when handling things that require emotional understanding.

Narcissists can be very capable workers, as well as respected members of community. And they are excellent in showing one face to the outside world and another behind closed doors. So if he acts kind and helpful with people in the community, while cruel and relentless with you, that’s how you know he is a narcissist.

I don’t have any motivation or anything to look towards to. I just feel stranded in an empty void in space, unable to move around.

Yeah, because you keep excusing your parents’ abuse and calling it love. You keep gaslighting yourself, like they were gaslighting you.

maybe my father was right about music too….

It seems it’s easier for you to slide into self-loathing (and accept your parents’ false view of you) than choose to wake up from your slumber and start helping yourself. I understand it, because standing against your parents probably seem like a fight between David and Goliath.

But if you want to achieve your proclaimed goal of finding true love: “I am trying my best to find a wife before they decide to marry me off to some stranger… I want a real bond“, you’d need to let go of your parents’ false notions of love and recognize that their treatment of you wasn’t really love. You’d need to learn what true love is.

 

Dear Paradoxy,

As a parent, they may have been obligated to take care of me, but they could have put me in an orphanage or something but they didn’t.

According to them, you should be grateful they didn’t leave you to starve, after choosing to have you. How kind and loving of them indeed.

I remember you talking about their “love”. Unfortunately, that wasn’t love, but they’ve brainwashed you to believe it was.

I know, I am not saying my parents are expecting me to pay them back or anything. I am saying that I will never really achieve true freedom cause the fact that they are my parents will overrule every desire that I have.

Yes, I understand. I didn’t even mean that they would expect you to pay them back financially, but by being obedient to them and doing whatever they require you to do.

Even if I become rich, they will still have some degree of control over me cause they have conditioned me to be obedient.

They’ve intimidated you into obedience by telling you that they want what’s best for you. While severely emotionally abusing  you and clipping your wings in the process.

Normally we would say that we shouldn’t care about other people’s opinion, but how can u ignore your own parents?

Well, you can start distancing yourself from their opinion if you realize they were/are toxic people who didn’t know how to raise a healthy child. That they don’t know what true love is. And that they don’t know what’s best for you.

I find that very difficult to do because at the end of the day, I only have them to turn to in the time of need any way. I have no real friends or anything. If there is anyone I can turn to for help, it would be God and my parents

I guess you can only turn to them if there is a financial/logistical/health problem. Any other problem is for them a non-issue. Emotional problem – God forbid. Your father tells you you are stupid for “whining” about some “non-issues”.

My parents are not intentionally chaining me. They just conditioned me into being an obedient dog without them even realizing it.

Your parents are and have been abusive. It doesn’t matter if they don’t understand how they are abusing you. What matters is that it is affecting you and has shaped your personality and your self-image as well. You have a very negative self-image, due to being raised by the people who are insensitive and lacking empathy.

They inadvertently created that mental prison in me and now I can’t do anything without fearing them, even though I am thousands of miles away from them.

You’d have to start changing your view of them. Because even if they were “well-meaning” and “loving” according to their own standards, they’ve harmed you. You’d need to realize they had wrong standards, and that their upbringing cannot be characterized as loving and caring. Meeting your physical needs – yes. But much more important needs – that are crucial for development of a healthy personality – no.

But in another way the chains suppressed most of my desires and now I am just a shell, a dog that just does what it is told.

Yes, their upbringing hasn’t nurtured the burgeoning spirit in you, i.e. your true self, but has crushed it instead. That’s why you now feel like a shell. The good news is that your true self still exists and can be restored. You can still heal from the consequences of their abuse. The question is – do you want to?

One time when my father was angry at me for playing video games, I asked him if he would rather expect me to work like a robot with no desires. And he said that is exactly what he wanted. Maybe he said it out of anger in the moment. But things like that have etched itself into my heart.

He didn’t even pretend to be kind and loving. He told you his real intention: to raise you like a robot who obeys his commands.

I was allowed to have my own goals and dreams, but the difference is that those goals and dreams were shaped by my parents’ wishes. So technically I am still fulfilling my goals and dreams, but they are based on the desires that my parents had for me.

They’ve intimidated you and manipulated you to into believing that their wishes are your own wishes. That they know what’s best for you, and you don’t. You’ve capitulated to that belief (and not surprisingly, after years of indoctrination).

I want to read your suggestions still. My soul is just tired of everything.

I am glad you are open to suggestions…

So my suggestion, or my assumption, is that your father might be narcissistic. Because I’ve come across a youtube video on self-righteous narcissists, and it describes how I imagine your father behaved or still behaves: hyper-moralistic and feeling superior to others due to upholding this “high moral standard”.

The title of the video is “The self-righteous narcissist“, and it can be found on the channel DoctorRamani.

Here are some excerpts from the video:

The self-righteous narcissist is a rigid personality who judges and sneers at everyone who is “imperfect” and doesn’t uphold the same perfectionist standard that they uphold. This type of person expects cold, robotic, military precision and compliance from other people. They devalue emotion, human frailty, mistakes and joy.

Self-righteous narcissists derive their narcissistic supply from being morally superior to other people and judging others for their supposed “imperfections”. They often live highly engineered, precise lives, with a strict routine. They pride themselves in being very disciplined and upholding a strict regimen (and judge others who don’t stick to such a regimen).

They can easily erupt in rage if their rules aren’t upheld to a tee.

They don’t talk to people – they “hold court”.

Living with such a person feels like living on a glacier: it’s cold, precarious, isolated and emotionless. But on the outside it appears fine, because everything seems to run smoothly.

Being in the presence of a self-righteous narcissist always feels like you are a scolded 10-yr old child.

They are very rigid and don’t believe they need to change. They sneer at the idea of therapy and view it as weakness and bad use of money.

(end of excerpts)

I believe the above fits very closely to how you’ve described your father. Let me know what you think?

Thankfully, there is a plenty of material out there about how to gradually free yourself from the legacy of such parenting. And I can point you at those too, if you are interested.

My soul is just tired of everything.

I understand you are tired – that your soul is tired – after having been raised like that. But things can change, although it won’t be easy. But still, there is a way out…

 

Dear Paradoxy,

I rejected them cause they are things that I have already considered and I have already tried so they are basically impractical at this point.

I agree that telling your father white lies might not work because he knows every detail about your schedule, so this might backfire. But you rejected other things as well, e.g. you rejected when I said that you should take into account your own trauma, not just B’s trauma.

I tried to make a point that you yourself were faced with trauma during your entire relationship with B, and especially after she told you about her prostitution. And that you had all right to confide in someone. To which you replied:

The primary trauma is still hers since she is the one who got taken advantage of. So people would only see that, they won’t see my pain and suffering.

You are completely dismissing your own trauma. You are still putting her in the center of your attention, completely disregarding yourself and your own needs. You have empathy for her, but you have no empathy for yourself.

I was trying to tell you that you and your needs matter.

I made a rhetorical question: “What were you supposed to do? Suffer in silence?” To which you replied: “Yes, that is what she expected me to do.”

Yes, that’s what she expected you to do. But frankly, I don’t care what she – who is a narcissist and doesn’t care about anyone else – expected you to do. I am asking what you needed at that moment. What was your need when faced with that trauma.

I know that nobody cared about your needs (except physical needs), neither in your childhood, nor now. So this is a strange concept for you. But if you want to heal, you’ll need to start thinking about your own needs too. You’ll need to start developing empathy for yourself, not just for others.

Specially not for your abusers.

Wth am I supposed to do when these persons have no respect for boundaries and all that stuff u suggested? We are talking about people who WON’T listen nor try to understand. It is like trying to stop a pig from jumping into mud. The best advice of urs I could take is to mentally block them.

Yes, mentally blocking B, i.e. not falling for her accusations and not trying to defend yourself – is a good strategy. However, you say that you still feel obliged to help her:

B may be narcissistic and a liar and etc, but if I ignore her when she actually needs my help and something happens, I have to live with that in my conscience.

She is using you (or rather, exploiting you) to meet her needs. And we are not talking about survival needs, but wanton needs, such as buying her expensive gifts. Or paying for her trading class – which is her investing in her own education. Why should you be responsible for that?

Or her “need” to go to the ATM late at night to deposit money. It’s not a real need, but a manipulation tactic to draw you in.

So those are fake and invented needs. And still, you feel obliged to help her, or should I say to fulfill her whims. Because those are not real needs, those are whims.

If you can reframe that what you are doing for her is not helping her, but fulfilling her whims – perhaps it would help you to say No to some of those whims?

As for your father, the situation is trickier, because you were raised to be obedient and to obey your parents’ wishes – without ever considering your own. It will need a lot more strength and self-awareness to be able to get back some of the autonomy that should belong to you.

I agree that telling white lies is not the best way to go. The real deal would be to realize that you are not your father’s property and that you have the right to some autonomy. I know that in the family and societal system you grew up in this is almost a taboo. But again, if you want to be your own man some day, you’ll need to find ways to free yourself from his complete dominance.

It is like my intentions are to make them happy, but they only laugh when they are entertained by a clown.

To make whom happy? Your father? Or those girls, whom he tells you to talk to? But who think of you as a clown?

 

Hi Beni,

happy to hear from you! Yeah it’s been a long time, but I am glad you’re fine, both your back and that you bought a new laptop 🙂

My back seems to be alright. I don’t really understand it sure it’s there I think i couldn’t do a full time construction job.

Really happy to hear this! That means you don’t even feel it for the most part, right? Are you still skating? And yeah, better not try full-time construction job, because that would for sure aggravate it.

My back is a little better too, thank God. But now my knee problem got reactivated, after having been dormant for 1.5 years (since my back injury). I hope it stays manageable and doesn’t escalate, specially now, before the summer holidays.

Wow, you make a big effort to put all the things together. … It touches me and at the same time feels far away from this moment.

I often felt like this is made up and I’m in a way justifying something I should rather confront. While I’m replying I had an encounter with my mom and I see it quite clear that it’s real.

Thank you, and you are welcome! It seems that at the time you started writing your reply, the explanation I offered sounded plausible, but you couldn’t feel it “in your bones”, so to speak. It felt emotionally distant, right? As if it didn’t affect you?

But then, as you were writing your reply, you had an encounter with your mother, and then you felt it emotionally? You felt the emotional dynamic between you and your mother, and that it is real. That it’s not just some theory that doesn’t apply to you. Am I guessing this right?

I think this pretty much hits the nail on the head. Thank you for writing it up.

You are welcome. And I am glad that you feel it’s more or less true for you.

By not expressing myself I protect my Mom from worrying or meet her need for control.

Can you give me an example of something you’d like to express to her, but you worry that she will worry and will try to talk you out of it? (and thus control you)?

If she makes a request and I’m not shure that it’s selfless I can’t do it.

Can you give me an example of a request she makes on you, which you deem as not selfless, and then you can’t do it?

Only if you’d like to share, of course…

 

Dear Paradoxy,

You’ve just rejected everything I suggested, even laughed some things off:

Hell no, not this dude. This is not the first time he has lied and it is not that hard for him cause he is used to it.

the primary trauma is hers

Lol do u think B or my parents care about boundaries??? LOL

Pretty sure she will find a way to make a fool out of me. I just have to be prepared.

My father will find some way to intervene,

Lol like that will work against him.

They know my schedule too well. That won’t work.

they will demand that I talk when I get home.

may be narcissistic and a liar and etc, but if I ignore her when she actually needs my help and something happens, I have to live with that in my conscience.

You came her looking for help, but refuse all help. I guess it’s not because you think I am dumb and my advice is bs, but you believe you cannot be helped?

If you believe you cannot be helped and that you are completely stuck in your current situation, with no chance to change it even for an inch, then unfortunately I cannot help you either. You also categorically refused to go to therapy as well.

As for Asperger’s, one of the symptoms you mention is “lack of bonding with parents”. No wonder about that, because your parents were and still are abusive. The way you were raised largely determines how you are now. It has an impact on your emotional health, including communication skills as well. Because how we communicate is greatly influenced by our self-esteem and in general our view of self and others.  If either is negative, our communication skills will be affected too.

But I would really prefer not having to wear clown makeup.

But you seem to believe you have to and have no other choice.

 

Hi SereneWolf,

Ohh I’m sorry to hear that. Knee and back pain, both. That’s hard to deal with. I hope you find the strength to deal with that pain. Try to rest as much as you can and don’t push yourself too much. I hope your pain eases up soon.

Thanks, my back is now behaving a little better fortunately, so it’s the knee that is giving me the most trouble. I hope it’s temporary and not some big setback.

To get to the essence, I understand your point of view. But are you suggesting me to find someone and have a committed relationship just when I started my travelling journey? Like I mentioned I don’t want LDR again.

Does it mean you’ll be living like a digital nomad, working remotely from various places, not having a fixed address? And for how long are you planning that?

Your focus in the next period will be very much on traveling, right? But you seem eager to have a relationship too. In my last post, I misunderstood you and thought that by casual, you meant FWB. But you say: FWB for me is more than casual sex.

Which means that when you said:

With Casual I can at least be straight forward and clear like hey I’m working on myself and I can’t commit with you for a full fledge relationship but I wouldn’t mind spending a good time with you if you’re okay with it.

— you meant casual sex, right? Like no strings attached? No games and confusing vibes?

You’ve actually talked about it before, half-jokingly:

If I’d be just dating a local woman from the city that I’m staying. It’s also good for activities and time spending outside the work. So spending good time together and some sweet memories and then say see ya senorita on the next adventure…

So is that what you have in mind for your next phase? Or how exactly do you envision your love life in the next phase?

 

I don’t understand what’s wrong in telling “well if you miss me, why don’t you write more?” Because I didn’t missed talking to her that much.

Well, if you didn’t miss her, why were you angry that she is playing games with you and sending you confusing vibes?

she makes me angry too. Like on Weekend she texted like She missed talking to me. I replied who’s stopping you? and then she replies me for that 2 days after with a funny IG reel. And I have much better things to do than focusing on someone like her who isn’t sure of anything and changes colour like a chamaeleon. Like I’m exhausted with dating games. Like if it’s a Yes or no. and confusing vibes.

she have many options so maybe that’s why she be playing games like who wins and I don’t want to be a part of that game

This doesn’t sound like you didn’t really care about her. It sounds like you care, and you are hurt and angry that she is playing hot and cold. But you pretended not to care, by replying sarcastically: “well, who’s stopping you to contact me?” You didn’t express your vulnerability (e.g. you didn’t say “I miss you too”), or your upset, by you pretended not to care whether she writes or not.

That’s why I asked you to be honest with yourself. To acknowledge your feelings – not necessarily to her, but to yourself. To acknowledge that she did stir interest in you, that she does seem mysterious and exciting in a way, and that it doesn’t feel good when she is playing games with you and playing with your feelings. But also, that you don’t like her drinking and smoking and I don’t know what else you object to.

Perhaps write it all down: everything you feel about her. Like in that exercise by Anna Runkle (youtube channel “Crappy Childhood Fairy”, her “Daily practice” exercise).

So what I am suggesting is to be more honest with yourself about how you’re feeling. Don’t share those emotions with her – don’t show your vulnerability to her – because she might not deserve it. But be honest with yourself, allow yourself to feel those emotions, don’t stuff them down immediately.

You’ve been stuffing down your emotions for so long, and now it’s time to let them flow – to feel them. I think you now have the capacity to let them flow through you and not be overwhelmed. You’ve grown a lot in the recent years and developed that capacity.

Remember, you are allowed to feel those feelings, and you don’t need to hide them, because neither your mother or your father are watching you. You can feel whatever you feel, and that’s okay.

And as I said, you can start writing down your feelings, to make them more contained and less all over the place. It’s something you do only for yourself, for your own healing.

 

Hi SereneWolf,

(just as a side note, quoting is working fine for me: you select (copy-paste) the text you want to quote, and you press the quotation mark button)

How you doing?

I am not doing that well, since some old health issues (knee problems) resurrected again, which have magically disappeared in the last 1.5 years, since I’ve been suffering from back pain. Well now they are back, so now I need to start dealing with that too…aarrgh… I hope it’s temporary though and will get better…

I finally started my travel journey! Yaaaaay!
I started with world’s tallest statue, Statue of Unity. It was so much fun.

Oh wow, congratulations! I’ve checked the Statue of Unity (didn’t even know about it), and oh my, it’s 182 m high, which is almost double the height of Statue of Liberty! Must admit, it’s not that beautiful :), but it is impressive, for sure. How did you cope with the high temperatures that were measured in India recently?

no you didn’t go overboard and I request that you do. I’d prefer a brutal honestly.

I am glad you don’t mind me being “brutally honest”, i.e. sharing my theory about what is possibly going on for you in a romantic relationship. So basically, a relationship for you means war, not peace (or at least it meant that till now):

I think it’s like the sergeant you mentioned before. Once he’s aware that there’d be an attack. All he thinks about is war. Not peace.

You expect to be attacked/judged/criticized, and you prepare for it by putting up your shield as soon as you feel some small conflict or disagreement. And even before you get into a relationship, you count on being attacked (and judged and criticized), and so you want to prevent that by perfecting yourself as much as possible, so you can be “good enough” and not that susceptible to criticism:

Yes and also because of that my self esteem went lower so like even if I get women out of my “league” (It happened most of the time, Physically or career wise) I’d just question my worth like how did I get this kind of women? She way better than me there’s no way this is gonna be long term. Sooner or later she’d know that she’s somehow “better” than me and she’d obviously choose something better and leave. And I think that’s where superiority/inferiority dynamic is happening. and because of that I mostly tried keep on edge and improving myself like lil better than her.

This sounds like the imposter syndrome: the belief that you are not good enough, that you are a fake, and that you will be “found out” sooner or later. You mentioned it once with regard to your job, but it seems that it applies to your love life as well.

In fact, maybe your imposter syndrome is slowly weakening in the work setting (you said you feel quite good about yourself at your new job, and that the environment is very supportive too). But it may still be present in romantic relationships?

The core of the imposter syndrome is the belief that you are not good enough. It seems you believe you are not handsome enough and that you don’t have a good enough/well-paid enough job (It happened most of the time, Physically or career wise). Perhaps you also believe you are not creative enough (I know I’m not that much creative person)?

So you’d need to work on telling yourself that you are good enough to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship, that you can offer a lot, that you have all these great qualities (including empathy), and that you are a catch, not an impostor!

Similarly like you were telling yourself about being a good work force – being an asset, not a liability – you need to be telling yourself about being a good partner. Do you think you can do that?

In fact, you’ve already listed what qualities you value in a partner, so you can check yourself for those qualities…

If I may make two remarks about it:

Honesty & Trust – yes, sounds good, but are you aware that you actually lack trust when it comes to romantic relationships? You don’t trust that the person doesn’t want to harm you. You prepare for war…

Feeling of Unconditional love – hmmm I think accepting the person as they are, without wanting to change anything major on them – would be a better goal. Because it’s okay to have certain expectations on our partner, but also to view them with love and acceptance, not as flawed and in need of change. If we cannot accept our partner as they are, but want them to change in some major way, that’s not a healthy relationship.

Okay, perhaps that can be called unconditional love – accepting the person as they are, without requiring or expecting them to change in significant ways. In short, love and accept the person in front of you, don’t expect them to change 🙂

That’s a principle you haven’t followed in your first and even your second LDR (because you wanted the girl to change). But I think you’ve learned in the meanwhile that it’s not the way to go.

But nowadays who wants to show their true self? She mentioned few times how hard it is for her to open up and being vulnerable.

So she is similar to you then? 🙂

But she makes me angry too. Like on Weekend she texted like She missed talking to me. I replied who’s stopping you? and then she replies me for that 2 days after with a funny IG reel.

Okay, so she acted vulnerable, expressing that she misses talking to you. But then you came back with a very non-vulnerable response, something like: “well if you miss me, why don’t you write more?” No wonder it took her 2 days to reply, and it was with some funny video. So she tried being vulnerable, but you shut her down, and of course she doesn’t want to be even more vulnerable, so she starts playing it “cool” too, waiting 2 days to reply and then sending a funny video.

However, if she was trying to indirectly accuse you of not writing more frequently (i.e. not initiating conversations, or being slow to respond), while you know that it’s not the case, then I can understand your non-vulnerable response. Because if she is the one who ghosts you from time to time, or doesn’t reply on time etc, then it would make sense to be a bit sarcastic with her and not fall for her subtle accusations.

So you’d need to see: is she really ambivalent and “changes colour like a chamaeleon”, while you are steadily present and responsive? Or you too are playing games, not wanting to show too much interest – and that’s why she is constantly switching from hot to cold?

In other words: is only she playing games, or you are playing games too?

And I have much better things to do than focusing on someone like her who isn’t sure of anything and changes colour like a chamaeleon. Like I’m exhausted with dating games. Like if it’s a Yes or no. and confusing vibes.

As I said, you’d need to ask yourself: is she the only one who is sending confusing vibes, or you are doing the same?

With Casual I can at least be straight forward and clear like hey I’m working on myself and I can’t commit with you for a full fledge relationship but I wouldn’t mind spending a good time with you if you’re okay with it. I want clear and straight forward things. NO BS.

When you say casual, you’re talking about FWB, right? Not committing to a full fledged relationship, but having a good time with the girl?

So would you like to be FWB with this new girl? Have you told her that? Because as far as I know, you refused a regular relationship, but you didn’t tell her you’d like FWB, right? You weren’t really “clear and straight forward”.

Not that I support FWB relationships – I don’t think they are clear and straightforward at all. But still, ask yourself: did you tell her what you really want? And is it what you really want?

That way there’s also good possibility of gaining a friendship first which is must having a good time or like you know not feel alone since we’re all social creatures. And from friendship there’s also good possibility of deepen the relationship if things go well.

Hmm. It never happened with you though, because all of your female friendships ended up with the girl finding a boyfriend and sort of “abandoning” you, or at least not having that level of closeness with you anymore. So you’ve never progressed from friends to lovers.

In fact, if I understood well, being friends and keeping it platonic is what enabled you to open up and be emotionally vulnerable with a girl. Because you didn’t feel the usual fear that you feel in intimate relationships. So you could relax and be more authentic, rather than being on guard, preparing for a battle…

and another pattern that I noticed is that if I’m good friends with a person I’d try be vulnerable with them more easily

Yeah, you were able to open up with girls whom you viewed as strictly platonic. So that might be a catch-22: that you can’t really be open and vulnerable with someone whom you consider more than friends. Because that’s what activates the fear response (fear of intimate relationship) and you go into the self-defense mode.

In other words, it could be that “benefits” trigger a fear response for you, so once you get involved in a sexual relationship, you start being on guard and the intimacy and openness (and lack of fear) that you experienced as “friends only” is gone.

So it could be that FWB wouldn’t really work for you. Actually you’ve tried it briefly with the doctor, but it didn’t work out and you eventually called it quits. I am guessing that even if she let you “off the hook” and dropped expectations about commitment, you still felt the basic fear that you feel in a sexual/intimate relationship, and that’s why you left?

Because I know my intentions are good and I’d prefer the same from her.

Well, as things stand at the moment, your main intention is not to get hurt. And you think you can achieve that by first being in a FWB situation, which will then gradually progress into a committed relationship, if all goes fine.

But that’s a myth. First, because as soon as sex gets involved, it seems that your fear gets activated and you block vulnerability, and with it, the prospect of a long-term, committed, emotionally intimate relationship.

And second, because FWB is not a good form of relationship for a girl either, because most girls want attachment and do get attached if being physically intimate.

The girl might pretend that she doesn’t want a committed relationship, and that it’s all cool for her, but she actually does care (like the doctor did) and is getting hurt in such a relationship.

Or the girl herself has intimacy issues and fears commitment, but in that case, she can’t be a good candidate for a long-term, committed relationship. So for example, if you are planning to find a potential future wife out of the FWB pool, you most likely won’t find her.

You know what they say: you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You can’t have fun in a non-committed, casual relationship and then expect that it over time turns into a committed, loving relationship that will potentially last a lifetime. Most girls don’t work like that. And you neither, as it seems 😉

So when you say “my intentions are good”, I do think that your fear is governing your intentions when it comes to romantic relationships. And if you fear, it cannot be a basis for any kind of deep, loving relationship.

Your fear cannot be solved (or dissolved) by going the FWB route either – I hope I’ve shown you that it’s kind of an internal contradiction and catch-22. And a very suboptimal solution, both for you and the girl involved.

So… there is only one way to deal with your fear: heal it. If you try to avoid it and work around it, you end up with bad solutions, such as FWB or the sailor approach (just “benefits”, no friendship). None of those protect you from fear, but only add to the pain.

You know the saying: “The only way out is through”. Which means: facing and healing the fear. (I could tell the same to myself, in another area of life. But anyway, no workarounds are possible…)

 

Dear Dafne,

good to hear from you! I am doing so-so health-wise, which does impact my mood. But it’s okay, what else to do but keep on keeping on…  🙂

I hope I gave you now a little bit of a clearer picture of this complicated situation. It is still emotionally hunting me.

Thank you for clarifying, and yes, it’s a complicated situation. But perhaps I can answer one of your questions right off the bat:

Would you ever accept living with a man in such a partnership (situationshp) or the whole live-in proposal was bad news?

No, I wouldn’t agree to plan my life with a man who isn’t divorced, and there is no timetable of him getting divorced either. And who gets angry with me when I ask about his actual legal status:

It might be that the divorce was never finalised. He never showed to me the final document although I asked many times. Apparently it got lost somewhere or his ex forgot to send it to him. He got angry and shut me down easily.

So he was hiding from you that he isn’t actually divorced. If he had gotten divorced, he too would have received the final divorce papers, not just his ex-wife. So he was messing with you, not telling you the truth, and then using anger to shut you down, so you would stop inquiring. That’s a big red flag. Just on that account, it’s better you didn’t continue the relationship with him – since he was willing to lie about such an important thing.

He also told you that his ex-wife didn’t contribute anything towards the house, i.e. that he was paying off the loan by himself (His ex wife did not contribute anything (his own words)). However, she was not living in that house, and was actually renting a place, where she was living with their children (she started renting a place not too far away from him.)

So perhaps they’ve made a deal that he should be paying off the loan on the house, while she is paying for her rent. In which case he cannot claim that she “didn’t contribute anything.” And it is only fair that she is half owner of the house (they both still have the same rights to the house.)

He might have led you to believe that she is financially using him and is unfair with him (He also told me that his ex mentioned that she will make sure that no new woman in his life will get anything from him.), but that he is nevertheless a generous person and will leave the house to her and the children. When in fact she might be paying for her half of the house indirectly – by paying the rent for the accommodation where she is living with their children.

And they probably made such a deal that he cannot sell his half without her approval. I don’t know what would happen in case of his death – provided that they are not legally divorced but only separated. But it could even be that his half of the house would go half to his ex and half to his children. If so, then in case of his death she would get 3/4 of the house, and the children 1/4.

In any case, I can imagine that she ensured that he cannot sell his half of the house, i.e. that he cannot take the family home from underneath her and the children. In that sense, no new woman would get any part of their house (no new woman in his life will get anything from him). Which I think is fair.

It doesn’t even mean that he is such a generous father, but that his ex-wife made him accept such a deal, for the benefit of the children (and her as well).

On the other hand, he didn’t want his wife to leave the country and take the children, so in that sense, it might mean that he really cares about his children.

Your mother had 2 objections about him, due to which she didn’t want you to marry him:

She thinks till today that he only cared about his kids and would never marry me anyway.

Her first “accusation” of him is actually a positive trait: that he cares about his kids. It could be that it was actually his ex-wife who forced him (e.g. by signing such a contract) to make sure that she and the children are taken care of in terms of the living situation. In any case, I still don’t think that it was a weakness that he “only cared about his kids”.

Your mother’s second objection (that he would never marry you) is a justified one, especially since there wasn’t a timetable for their divorce, so it might have been for an unspecified time. Another problem is that he wasn’t upfront about it – he didn’t want to talk about his divorce and would get angry when you asked.

He wanted you to sign a cohabitation agreement and in it, give up the right to his house. Which in itself wouldn’t be such a big problem. But what are you getting, i.e. how would you (and your possible common children) be protected with only the cohabitation agreement in place?

I am not familiar with cohabitation agreements and all that legal stuff, but it seems unfair for him to protect his first wife and children maximally, to the point of not even legally divorcing her, and then have almost like a second-class, lower-rank relationship with you, in which you don’t get the same status and the same rights as his ex-wife. In which you are demoted to a “cohabitation partner” indefinitely.

Maybe I am wrong because I don’t know what the cohabitation agreement entails (maybe it does protect common children?). But since he was hiding the facts about his divorce, it is likely that you wouldn’t have the same rights as his ex-wife.

So in that sense, I think your mother was right when she discouraged you from marrying him. As I said, simply the fact that he was hiding important details about his divorce is enough of a red flag for me.

In terms of your fear that you would be used as a servant to him and his children, perhaps there wasn’t an immediate danger of that, since you said that the children only spent every second weekend at his place.

I helped him to look after his small kids (they stayed with him every 2 weeks).

They used to have an arrangement where his kids stayed at his house every 2 weekend. So they shared the custody. Then just before our brake up, she moved closer to him and the kids stayed more often at his.

Originally, the children stayed at his place every 2nd weekend, which doesn’t seem like such a big burden. But then they did move closer to him and started spending more time with him, and he might have thought it would be convenient to have someone to take care of them. But it didn’t seem like his main motivation from the start, since originally the kids spent only 2 days in a fortnight with him.

I’m telling myself that if he really cared about me, he would never break off the engagement because of my mother’s refusal. What difference did it make? He would try to make it work somehow because he could not stand the thought of losing me. Well, at least that’s what I would do in the same situation.

He insisted to see your mother’s place – perhaps to see what kind of real estate you have and maybe to be sure that in case of separation, you do have a place to stay (what some advisors suggested as a possible explanation of his interest in your mother’s house). Perhaps he needed it to be able to jot down the cohabitation agreement? Like, this is yours, and this is mine – and it shall not be mixed. I don’t know.

Or perhaps he didn’t like that your mother is opposing your relationship – since he wasn’t willing to legally marry you – and he didn’t want to have that kind of family situation. Since you said he is quite close to his family and was frequently consulting with his sisters. I can imagine his family helped him with the loan for his house too, since you said he was unemployed when you two met.

Anyway, I don’t know his motivations to insist on seeing your mother’s house, but he was certainly much more pragmatic and practical in his approach, rather than idealistic:

He would try to make it work somehow because he could not stand the thought of losing me.

Even if he might have liked you, the practical circumstances were very important to him, so for him, it wasn’t true that “love conquers all.”

This situation made me think of my parents. My fiancé was at least trying to protect his children and their mother. My father did the opposite. He did the same arrangement but to protect his young ex wife and her daughter after his death. And she doesn’t even care about him.

Yes, your fiance did what was right in terms of protecting his children and their mother. Your mother didn’t appreciate that aspect of him, but as I said, it’s a positive trait.

Your father unfortunately didn’t possess that trait, and your mother didn’t manage to stand up for herself and force him to ensure some kind of financial support for you and herself – if he already abandoned you physically (and emotionally).

It seems that his second wife was more demanding and managed to ensure a house for herself and her daughter. So she stood up for herself. Because I can imagine that your father wouldn’t have given her much, if it was up to him.

It is interesting that your mother still requires you to be kind to your father, although he never treated either you or her kindly. He was and is mean to you. But your mother is defending him and is his enabler. And she didn’t recognize that your fiance possessed one quality that your father didn’t possess: willingness to do his duty and take care of his children.

It doesn’t mean that your fiance was super generous – perhaps it was the ex-wife who forced him to do what is right. But nevertheless, he didn’t shy away from responsibility. Still, the question is how he would have treated you and your possible common children, in a situation where he is already burdened by a mortgage and will be for a foreseeable future.

Last time I spoke with my father’s ex, she told me that she is paying for the house (she still lives there and visits now and then) and doesn’t know what nonsense my dadd told me (her words). My father told me that they both contribute 50/50. They both tell me 2 different versions.

They might be paying 50/50 for the house, so that part might be true.

Also her daughter can come and go as she pleases but there was not even a room for me and I always had to announce my visit and stay on their terms (no key either). I never felt that I’m visiting a father. I’m trying to let all those negative thoughts go as much as I can. I pray and let it with God but it still hurts.

Well, that house is their common property, and probably his ex is very careful not to have anyone “occupy” it and lay claim on it. It would be nice that you can visit and stay the night whenever you want, without needing her approval, but she is the owner too and she wants to be consulted.

So I kind of understand her (cold) stance, but I also know it hurts you to need to ask for permission to stay with your dad. You are treated like a guest, because unfortunately that’s not your house, even if it is your dad’s house in half.

And I know it’s not a good feeling. Your father didn’t care about ensuring a home for you, and your mother wasn’t strong enough to make him fulfill his responsibilities (has she ever claimed any financial support from him while you were a child?). And so now you are a guest in his house, unfortunately.

Tee, do you see the pattern here? Is there anything I can do to stop attracting same people and situations into my life (that are the reflection of my father)? They say that the history likes to repeat itself and that our life depends on the frequencies we send to the Universe. Are you familiar with that concept?

Yes, I am familiar with the “Law of Attraction”. I don’t know about frequencies, but yes, we are attracted to people who remind us of our parents, because we want to get love and validation from them – from someone who reminds us of our neglectful or abusive parent. Our inner child is still longing for that love and validation, and so we look for people who are similar to our parents.

Is there anything I can do to stop attracting same people and situations into my life (that are the reflection of my father)?

You can do a lot to stop being attracted to selfish men, by being more respectful of your own needs and wants. Respecting yourself more. Not settling for breadcrumbs.

I don’t know selfish your fiance was, but the fact that he wanted to keep you in a cohabitation relationship for an indefinite time and possibly never marry you isn’t a good sign. Also the fact that he said his wife didn’t contribute anything to his house when in fact she was probably paying for the apartment she and the children were staying at – tells me he is lying and being dishonest.

Whenever you feel that the person is hiding things from you – important things that you should know about and that can impact your future – you don’t need to accept it. Demanding truth and transparency is also a part of self-respect and taking care of your needs. You don’t want to settle for a guy who is hiding key information and then gets angry when you want to know the truth.

Tee, what do you think? Would you try contacting him again and see how his life goes? Or it is a waste of time and it might do more harm?

No, I don’t think you should contact him, because he wasn’t honest with you, he was hiding important information from you. So no, please don’t contact him, because that would mean lacking self-respect and agreeing to accept an uncertain, unfavorable living situation, and a dishonest guy who might not have your best interests in mind.

I stopped doing most of my projects after the break up. I just couldn’t find the same energy and inspiration as before. I used to spend a lot of time with him and his kids in the nature and now it doesn’t feel the same.

Oh so the breakup has to do with it? I guess you lost enthusiasm and fell into a kind of depression? I do hope you can start nurturing yourself again and doing things that bring you joy and aliveness. Because that’s so important for your healing!

The problem is that if she gets angry or realises that I want to move out, she starts blackmailing me. It’s just the way you described it. She starts guilty trips or memory flashbacks. I think she is able to give him away when the need arises to make her point and she might harm herself too. I just don’t trust her judgment when she drinks.

How does she behave when she drinks? Aggressive? Or she falls asleep and “switches off”?

As I said, if she starts blackmailing you, you can tell her that you’ll need to report her to the GP because she might be dangerous to herself or the dog, especially since she has a drinking problem. So you blackmail her right back.

But please don’t fall for her blackmails – I still think those are just empty words!

Lots of love and strength and determination to you, dear Dafne! <3