Hi Adam,

I am glad you’ve exchanged your belongings, and even though it was uncomfortable, you’re over it now. At least you don’t need to meet her again.

She said she wants to be there for each other but doesn’t see how it would work without being together.

I strongly suggest to forget about “staying friends” with her, because it’s not possible. You always end up sucked back into the relationship. Since you’re definitely not neutral towards each other and there are hurts and resentments, it wouldn’t be possible to stay friends. No need for it either. You don’t need to be there for her – you tried in the past 11 months, and this is how it ended. So the only feasible option is to go your separate ways. Wish her well (in your thoughts) and start focusing on your own life.

She admitted to emotionally processing the break up before it happened and taking it out on me. Her ‘deal breaker’ was the difference between us. Because of the differences in us it wasn’t the relationship she wanted to have. Made me realise that it was all manipulation, especially this.

Yes, it does seem like an excuse. Frankly, it seems to me that the biggest difference is that you wanted her to change, and she didn’t. That was the key stumbling block. If she wanted to work on her issues, to at least make one step in that direction, things would have been different. But like this, there was no chance.

No she didn’t want to change. By her last message she wanted to relationship to work around her and accommodate to her needs and wants. I am starting to see it now more I think.

Good. Glad you’re waking up to the fact that no matter how accommodating and careful you were around her, she always found something to be displeased with. You said she has been complaining recently that you’re not there for her 24/7, that she is not your priority etc. She behaved like a spoiled child a little, and blamed you for it…

She definitely used the break ups as a way to control me, whether she knew it or not. She knew I was readily available when she wanted. When she would pull away I would always be following behind ready to give her my heart back but not this time.

Yes, I remember last time she broke up with you you really wanted her back badly. You thought she sincerely wanted to change and work on her issues…. but this turned out to be wishful thinking. I hope you see that waiting for her to change, or nudging her, is futile. The only healthy way – which won’t be destructive for you – is to let her go.

No time was any different, it honestly just got worse and spiraled out of control. All the false promises, still no work, still left, still unstable and the list goes on. Those few things should’ve been enough for me to leave. As you said leaving would’ve been a healthy reaction in the first place. It was all just a fantasy and in reality she was not good for me.

Yes, I am glad you see it now.

I was good enough though in the end she even said I did nothing wrong which I already knew. It was her not me. I was trapped and got brought down by her disgusting moods.

Good that you realize that you didn’t do anything wrong. You’ve tried to support her. You even stopped asking her about her job. But she still found stuff to complain about. But that’s how we are when we have unresolved trauma – our unhappiness and frustration come from within. And no matter how someone can be kind to us, we still react, we still blame them and take out our frustration on them. Unfortunately, that’s what she was doing to you.

It does hurt a lot and the pain of being alone I can handle but it’s just how she burned me that hurts. I trusted her completely again and it was broken again. It’s always the ones closest to you. I know what I deserve though.

Yeah, you trusted her words, and they were misleading because she would promise things, but would never act on it. She said she wanted to heal and get better, but did nothing towards it. You even thought she was breaking up with you because she wanted to spare you from her moods. Whereas the reality was that she was too triggered to stay in the relationship and perhaps was even punishing you for mentioning anything that disturbed her.

I’ll get back to being happy pretty quickly I think. I will find my passions again and the weekend boredom will soon vanish. It’s still quite fresh for me.

Well, you don’t need to force yourself to get over her quickly. Take your time. It won’t be easy and it cannot be easy, because you were so attached to her. And the vulnerable part of you – who wanted to trust her blindly – is still in you. I think you’ll need to develop a relationship with that vulnerable part of you (your inner child) and be like a good parent to him.

Up until now you served a little bit like a parent to your ex, because you do have a strong adult part in you, who is responsible, wants to plan for the future, focus on his life goals etc. You tried to parent her (soothe her, console her, encourage her), and at the same time nudge her to come up higher, to take responsibility for her life. You’ve been a good “parent” to her. The only problem is that that’s not what we should be to our romantic partner. However, you should be a good parent to your own inner child.

So I encourage you to develop a relationship with your inner child – with the little boy you were x years ago. Talk to him, soothe him, tell him you love him and you are proud of him, and that he’s an amazing chap. Be a good parent to him. Does this make sense to you? Do you think you can get in touch with your inner child?

And at the same time, go back to your hobbies, things that give you joy, which you might have neglected. That’s good both for your inner child and your adult self too. Do what makes you happy.

I get so attached and clingy especially with exes and I don’t know why. I think it’s because now that person is gone all the memories we shared feel like they are gone as well.

I do have a deep longing for love and maybe it’s related to my inner child.

Yeah, I think your inner child needs to feel loved. Perhaps in your childhood you didn’t feel loved, or you didn’t feel good enough to feel loved, and that’s what’s making you vulnerable now? Once you can give love to your inner child, the inner pain and longing will lessen, and you’ll be less attracted to people who can’t really love you.

I know one day I will find someone but in the meantime I will try focus on loving myself again.

Very well said. You do need to learn to love yourself again, and as a part of that task, love your inner child too. I think if you do that, your healing will be complete.

Dear Dafne,

thank you for your kind words.

I understand you feel lonely and would like to have a man in your life. But not any man. You yourself said you want a decent, honest man, who wants a committed relationship, hopefully marriage, and whose intention is not to take advantage of you. You want him to see you as a person and appreciate you. You don’t want him to use you for selfish reasons, such as sex or care-taking, help in the household and such.

I think the first thing would be to tell yourself that you deserve such a man. That you don’t need to settle for bread crumbs. For men who will use you and discard you. You need to have self-respect, so that men will respect you too. If you chase lousy men, then good, solid men won’t be able to find you. That’s the “cab light” principle that Anna Runkle was talking about in the video I sent you.

Honestly, I think this man is in the “lousy” category, since he is interested in sex only. I am glad you didn’t give in to his demands and that you kept your boundaries. So you did show self-respect, which is good!

I understand you want to try once again, even though I believe it’s not a good idea. But if you contact him, don’t allow by any means to be manipulated into going to his apartment first. If he suggests that, refuse. For that, you can use the wording I already gave you.

As for the message you want to send him now, you can say something like “Hey [his name], how have you been? You mentioned last time that you’re interested in going for a walk or a yoga class with me. Do you have time for that this week? Let me know…”

I’ll try to follow the coach you recommend me and heal my heart first.

That’s a good decision, and the best path if you want to find true love. It won’t be quick though, because healing is a process. But so is finding a good man. However, if you have self-respect and are able to keep your standards, I am sure such a man will show up.

I think that for starters you may want to write down on a piece of paper what exactly you want from a man. That’s what Anna Runkle suggests too in her dating course. As an example, you can write something like I wrote above:

“I want a decent, honest man, who wants a committed relationship, hopefully marriage, and whose intention is not to take advantage of me. I want him to see me as a person and appreciate me. I don’t want him to use me for selfish reasons, such as sex or care-taking or help in the household.”

Write down your own version of this, and keep it as a reminder. Don’t settle for less than someone who respects you.

Dear Dafne, I am very glad I helped you clarify some of the confusion and keep a positive attitude. I am rooting for you and am here, if you need help.

Let me know how he responded to the text, if you choose to send it…

Hi Peter,

I wonder if I suffered from chronic physical pain what my relationship to hope might be. The word courage pops into mind, as it takes a kind of courage to hope skillfully. I admire your courage Tee.

thank you Peter. I don’t think of myself as courageous, but when you’re faced with chronic pain, you have to find ways to cope and tell yourself that things will be better. Because in the short periods when I stopped believing it, I realized it’s impossible to live like that. So hope is almost as a survival/coping mechanism. In a positive sense.

I’m not that literate when it comes to Greek methodology, but I’ve just checked a few basic things about Pandora’s box. And it says that the word “elpis” can be translated not only as “hope”, but also as “expectation”. And if it means expectation, then I can imagine how destructive it can be. I think it’s in the same category as false hope and wishful thinking.

I don’t know why it remained in the box and what’s the meaning of it, but anyway, I think it’s good to distinguish between the false hope/expectation/attachment vs. the real hope of life renewing itself and healing. I think the latter is a good hope…

Dear Helcat,

thank you for your kind and encouraging words! Glad to have you back on the forum! 🙂

Dear Brandy,

thank you for the recommendation about the fascia, I’ll look into it.

As for hope, yeah, it would be hard for me to live without hope. Because it can take the person to a dark place. So hope is a paramount for me…

Dear Anna,

you are welcome, I am glad it helped.

I think this year for me is about releasing attachments and learning to count on myself more, giving myself self-love, getting rid of naivety about how people treat each other.

Those are all great goals. You definitely need to love and respect yourself more, because self-esteem is what gets damaged in a relationship with a narcissist. It could be that in the relationship with him you were naive, and when things seemed too good to be true – you believed they are true nevertheless? I mean, that’s how love bombing looks like: it’s the exaggerated love and attention, almost too good to be true. But we want to believe it’s true… so we don’t see it as a warning sign.

When it comes to the toxic relationship, I still think I might have done things differently. Though I guess no one is a saint when being constantly hurt. I know I became too much dependent on him.

Sure, it takes two to tango. However, if someone is a narcissist, or a toxic person in general, they don’t want to take responsibility for their part in the relationship. They always blame the other person. You on the other hand were open to grow and change – you were willing to take responsibility for your part of the equation. I believe that’s the fundamental difference between you and him, between a toxic and a non-toxic person.

Your greatest mistake, I believe, is not realizing sooner that he is a narcissist and that he is manipulating you. You tried to get some empathy from him, and of course, it never happened. And when you say you became too dependent on him, I guess you became dependent on his opinion of you, right?

As for my friendships, I feel because of the break-up I became too needy and they didn’t let me know that maybe I’m overwhelming them until it led to a conflict.

I see… you desperately needed and perhaps even demanded their help, and when they couldn’t support you in that capacity there was a conflict. Okay, I get it. In this case, perhaps it would make sense to apologize for being so needy and for demanding too much from them?

I feel very overwhelmed with those situations, plus looking for a job and taking part in job interviews.

Try to forgive yourself about how you treated your friends. You were an emotionally battered woman, who needed help. And  perhaps you were too demanding in getting their help. But now you’re coming out of it and seeing things more clearly. So you can forgive yourself and also apologize to them. I am sure they will understand.

Be very gentle with yourself. Have a lot of self-compassion. That’s what you need the most now…

I wish you luck with finding a decent job soon. Repeat to yourself that you are lovable and worthy (if you’re not already doing that). It’s good you’re doing meditation and reiki, as part of your self-care routine.

Hi Tom,

And I guess being judgemental about others is also not helping me, especially in the family circles. At times I feel my patience is weaning out trying to be nice to everyone.

Actually, I don’t think you need to be nice to everyone. I mean, you can never please everybody – there will be always people who won’t like you, even if you are a great guy, and even if you are nice to them. There are rude people, or people with their own issues, who project things on you… anyway, the hard truth is that you can never be liked by everyone.

Its a task for me to accept people who do not match or reciprocate the values that I am imbibed with- in fact i rarely see people who could match the same set of values and principles.

You mean people are rude and impolite with you, are late for appointments, don’t keep their word, don’t respect you, are dishonest? (what I listed would be the opposite of the values that you are imbibed with)

If they are, you don’t need to be nice to them. You need to perhaps talk to them and clarify that their behavior is rude, specially if they are family. You don’t need to spare them from the truth. If other people are rude and disrespectful to you, you can set boundaries with them too. No need to be nice with bullies, for example.

Most if not all are least bothered about the things that I care the most, but I find it a very difficult to be elusive.

If you care about treating people with kindness, and others don’t and are treating others rudely, then you have the right to speak up and not be elusive.

A different issue is if others don’t share your political views, and this is what triggers you and you have a hard time being polite. That’s when you would profit from more patience and diplomacy. However, if what bothers you is people being rude and disrespectful, then you don’t need to tolerate it but can do something to address it.

Dear Dafne,

good to hear from you! It was raining all weekend here so not a perfect weather, but it was fine, thank you.

I could date more than 1 man but only in a platonic way. But how long a man can wait with a kiss or holding hands? I don’t think that very long. Also they always ask if I am seeing other men.

That’s normal that after a while a man who is serious will ask about exclusivity. That’s why I don’t like rotational dating, because according to Sami Wunder,  you shouldn’t be exclusive until the man puts a ring on your finger. Which is absurd because you’re forcing the guy to marry you without developing an emotional bond with him. It’s kind of a blackmail, I think, and more like a business deal, if you ask me.

My friend told me that the original concept comes from a lady named Rori Ray. I’ve checked her webpage and there are many women who have an anxious attachment style but found her concept helpful. There was 1 women who was romantically involved with a man that wasn’t ready for anything serious. She decided to also date 1 more man and now they are engaged. She did not tell the 1 man that she is dating around but kept her schedule busy. It might work for some people..

If I understood well, this concept was developed out of the need to protect women, so they wouldn’t jump into a sexual relationship without having a clear intention from the guy that they mean seriously. I can imagine that for women with anxious attachment, having more men to date takes off the pressure of one guy. Perhaps in the example you gave above, the woman became less clingy and more self-confident (and sort of “harder to get”), and that’s what made the guy decide to propose.

So I think it’s more about being more self-confident and less clingy, which could lead to becoming more desirable to men. Rotational dating is only one way to be more confident (or at least to seem confident because you have more options, so you are less clingy). But it’s not an optimal way, at least in my opinion.

I’ve also checked the coach that you know and I really like how she relates to women and their fears.

I will try to learn more about it. Thank you for this great recommendation!

You are welcome! Yes, she is really good. She goes to the core of the problem and helps women truly heal, rather than come up with superficial solutions (and honestly, I think rotational dating is one such superficial solution).

To be honest with you I was feeling a bit sad and depressed in the past days as the last man did not contact me again. He told me that we will be going outdoors but nothing happened. I’m trying to figure out why.

I am sorry you were feeling down. It seems this man is consistent with what he told you in the beginning: that he is not interested in dating you in public. I am afraid he still only wants you for sex, and since you told him you need more than that, he isn’t enthusiastic.

Maybe getting more romantic with him was a mistake and it was better to keep him as a friend till he is ready. Well, now is too late for that..

Well, you didn’t sleep with him, so that’s good. He doesn’t really want to be friends either – he told you he is afraid of women.  He only wanted cuddles. So… you better forget that he wants to be friends with you.

Tee, do you think I should reach out to him first?

No, absolutely not. Unless you want to go to his apartment again and expose yourself to his sexual advances.

Dating is so hard nowadays and leaves so many women heartbroken. I’m really feeling so confused with all the rules and playing games.

Yeah, it’s hard to play the game, it’s exhausting, and makes dating like a battle field – who will outsmart whom, what you should and shouldn’t say or do. But you know what – the best is to heal enough so you don’t need to play games.

If you heal and develop enough self-confidence, you’ll be able to stand up for yourself and recognize unsuitable men who only want to take advantage of you. I highly recommend watching more of Anna Runkle’s videos, and also seeking therapy, if that’s something you can afford.

Warm regards and big hug to you too!