Hi SereneWolf,

Well yeah you’re right and that’s why these days I do try to socialize more. (As an experiment) That’s why I noticed that and I told you… I’m just too much comfortable with my own company but I do need to get out of my comfort zone without draining my energy. And I’m an ambivert.

Definitely it’s a good experiment to try to socialize more and see how you feel about people… if you still feel they’re very different and you feel like an alien? I had to look up what an ambivert means…it seems like a balanced type, best of both worlds.

Like for me I’m not much emotionally expressive. Or like I just don’t get surprised with lot of human behaviour or things. I find it really normal. But her she like really emotionally expressive like a high school girl who feels too much you know

Are you saying that she gets upset by something (some human behavior), and this same behavior doesn’t affect you that much? Or she gets super excited about something, and you’re like “meh, nothing special”?

Yes! And before there was time where I used to just blindly believe everything my inner critical voice told me because I didn’t know the difference between my own self and inner critical voice.

Great that you now know the difference and don’t believe everything your inner critic is telling you!

And Yes I’ve watched the video and I told you that I’m mostly between good connection to no connection back and forth

And there was also a bad connection, I’d say, during your LDR. Because that relationship was mostly frustrating for you, right?

Hmm I see so you mean there should be a good balance right?

Yes, for example we should love ourselves and feel lovable, without needing to get love from someone else. Or we shouldn’t feel helpless like a child and wait for someone else to fix our problems. I think those are examples of emotional self-sufficiency.

I mean I know what to do but I just overreact in those particular situations and try to make them in better state ASAP otherwise I feel anxious as well.

Yeah, you’d probably like to fix the problem ASAP and make them stop (crying, or being upset or whatever). Whereas the best thing you can do is to simply listen and show empathy. You don’t need to fix anything, and your partner doesn’t even want it, in most cases. They only want empathy and understanding (remember that short video about the nail in the head? 🙂 )

Haha I don’t remember I’ve been with any strict and judgmental type girl even as female or male friend. Creating the good supportive circle you know?

Oh I see… you’re filtering all critical and unsupportive people from your life… cool! good strategy!

But I think that possibility of turn this into something else is just scaring me like what If I like her more with time?

Okay, so you can ask yourself: what if I like her more with time? What’s the worst thing that can happen?

Or what if I feel bored with her after some time? And like what if she is not on the same page as me?

Okay, you can ask yourself: what if I feel bored over time? What would I do? What are the options I have?

So questions like this as well her different but confident persona is something I feel…

She is different than the usual type you’re attracted to (insecure, low self-esteem). I think that’s what’s scary because you can’t apply the usual tactics of your outer critic, which would be to see her as inferior and imperfect (which would then serve as an excuse to distance yourself from her). The inner critic is trying to sabotage you, by telling you you are worse than her in some respects. But nowadays you’re watching for the inner critic and you’re not believing everything it says. So the inner critic isn’t managing to sabotage the relationship so easily either…

But something in you (hint: the inner child) is still afraid, and so you’re coming up with these what-if questions, which serve the same purpose: to sabotage the relationship. My suggestion is to notice that too: that these what-if hypothetical questions serve the same purpose, and so not to give too much weight to them. If you want to try to push through the fear some more…

Inner and outer you’re dealing with both of these things which isn’t easy at all. I’m proud of you and I hope you progress better and healthier way with that

Thank you! Yes, it’s hard when it gets physical, when it’s your body that aches and there is no escape from pain. I feel that I could much more easily deal with emotional pain than with physical pain. Because I can’t just think about it differently, so that it doesn’t cause pain any more. Although I think I can still be telling myself a positive, optimistic story, or I can be telling myself a negative, hopeless story (like that I’ll never get better). And that too makes a difference… But it’s hard, there’s no doubt about it…

Yes exactly and I don’t know how to protect myself from that for sure!

What’s the worst kind of behavior that you feel you can’t protect yourself from?

Haha Nothing that shows too much. Like not on the face or neck. But l prefer around the shoulder, back, hands, biceps and maybe chest. But yeah mostly desecrate. Yeah I know it’s normal nowadays but there are two things. One judgment from my family and another thing is that gaining enough weight so tattoos look much better. Have you got any tattoos though?

No, I don’t have any tattoos. Not my style, and besides, I’ve got many birthmarks, so I’d worry about damaging those. So no, no tattoos for me 🙂

If you worry about how the tattoo will look, I’d choose a spot which doesn’t depend on your muscular mass. So somewhere where it always looks the same, regardless of how fit you are 🙂

Dear TheltFactor,

you are most welcome!

After I reflected on the conversation, I think I was positively surprised most by the amount of introspection, he said he spoke to some peeps but mostly had to have inward conversations with himself and be honest about what is holding him back, and that recognizing that he was hurting my feeling was a huge revelation for him, he was feeling horrible about that which made him realize how much he cared.

That’s amazing – it means he is open to self-reflection and he also has empathy, because he could put himself in your shoes and realized that he was hurting you. Which is very promising!

Yes, it is just logistics and some finalizing of financial matters as things change yearly and there has to be updates. They are ok with planning, so there is room for multiple weeks vacation even, and there has been some talk about Europe trip in the fall, initiated by him as he wants to see where I am from (and the food there is so good lol).

This also sounds great! I wish you that many of those plans get materialized!

Thank you, this is so nice to hear! Admittedly, it was not always this way, I used to be a lot more of an accommodator but behaviors of others (in my past cases unreliability, slight manipulation and flakiness) really motivated me to say no. Last time I dated someone who after 3 months started testing me “how much is she willing to do for me” by texting he’s not feeling good and passing on vague messages about us being together (this lasted for 3 weeks and I said, hey, you wanna break things of you better grow a pair cos I am out if you continue like this) I basically got fed up. None of the relationships where I was “too nice’ lasted more than 3-4 months, as that’s what it took for me to say see ya never.

Good for you! So you didn’t put up with flakiness for too long – you knew what you wanted and respected yourself enough to break it off if the guy was only half interested or was playing games.

It is hard tho, especially when someone likes other things about a person! These were years ago and I feel like for the past 4 years I have been able to put my integrity first

Great! You’ve learned your lesson and now you can stand up for yourself and not allow lesser treatment. Even if the guy has many good qualities and you like him a lot…. Well done, TheltFactor, kudos to you! 🙂

Thanks for clarifying the terms as well, quite helpful and makes sense!! Also, the friend who gest sick and does not want his gf around, dude, home made beef broth is the best, your loss! (joking but really, that is sad).

You’re welcome! I actually needed to clarify it to myself too, because I wasn’t sure about it either… And yeah, having a home-made soup when sick is the best thing, so yeah…. not the wisest decision 🙂

Hi TheltFactor,

I just want to expand on something. When I earlier said that your boyfriend was non-committed but exclusive, I was referring to his behavior of being emotionally not committed to you, since he thought he might find someone better. So in his heart and mind, he wasn’t committed to you, i.e. he didn’t choose you fully. He was exclusive in terms of dating, but emotionally he wasn’t committed.

But now, it seems he got committed emotionally – he said he doesn’t want to let his fear run the show and he doesn’t want to keep pushing you away (emotionally).

So I guess the key factor here is to be emotionally committed – committed in is heart and mind.

Hi SereneWolf,

Hmm that’s right. Is that could the same reason I can’t spend longer time around the crowds? Because it just drains my energy…

Yes, definitely. I mean, a part of the problem could be that you’re an introvert and you don’t feel good in large crowds (I am like that too!). But a part of the problem could be that you see people as different, and yourself as alien, and this might contribute to feeling trapped or endangered in some way.

Hmm I hope so… She seems quite sensitive

In what sense? Can you give me an example?

Oh yeah you’re right I’m not comparing and I am aware that I’m capable for cultivating good emotional patterns for myself (Or at least I’m trying)

Great! At least you’re aware what to watch out for, and even if you start comparing yourself with others, you can recognize it as an inner critic mechanism, and know that it’s a lie, it’s an illusion, not reality.

Wow! So this challenged me for lot of things that I’ve consumed in reading and watching over the years. And kind of really challenging for my old belief. But If you have any recommendations for articles or videos or just you want to explain by yourself you can elaborate more this with me. Because I do understand what you mean but I don’t have clear picture just for meta thinking with myself you know

Well, this term “emotional self-sufficiency” just kind of came to me, I haven’t read it anywhere. I did look it up now and it has both positive and negative connotations. But what I meant is that we are wired for connection (Henry Cloud’s video “Why it’s important to stay connected” talks about it. I mentioned it a while ago and I think you watched it).

Healthy relationships are good for our health and well-being. For example, married men live longer. And for women, those women live longer who have a network of supportive friendships. So emotional giving and receiving is very important. In that sense I said that emotional self-sufficiency isn’t a good thing: it’s not good if we don’t have emotional exchange and connection with anyone. And if we guard ourselves from it.

It doesn’t mean we should be needy and clingy. Someone who is alone can be happy and fulfilled too. But someone who is emotionally healthy will not guard themselves from emotional closeness with safe and supportive people. Because that’s what makes our life richer and more enjoyable…

Yes exactly I do feel trapped one of the reasons I’m scared for commitment. But mainly for controlling because their actions would affect me a lot emotionally. Like if my partner is anxious or sad it affects me directly.

So you’re afraid you wouldn’t know how to react if your partner is sad or anxious?

I don’t know if I see other person as my father because then I believe I wouldn’t even want spend lot of time with.. I don’t know how to explain properly but yeah I guess I’m running away because that feeling.

I guess you’re filtering out the very strict and judgmental types automatically – you’re not attracted to that type of girls. I mean, your current girlfriend is self-confident, but she’s probably not judgmental like your father, so it doesn’t trigger the escape reflex immediately?

But there are other reasons as well. Like It’s my curiosity so I’m just striving for exploring more and novelty so I don’t feel like I’m missing out..

I think that’s just an excuse. Because there are girls who like traveling and exploring similarly like you. Maybe girls wouldn’t appreciate some reckless feats, if that’s what you’re into. But definitely there are adventurous types out there, with whom you wouldn’t need to miss out on anything.

Haha I’m glad. Currently what kind of emotional patterns that you’re working on?

Staying positive and optimistic in spite of persistent health problems and chronic pain….

Totally agree and sometimes it kind of gives me solutions out of nowhere have you experienced it before?

Absolutely yes. It’s when our rational mind is not in the forefront, and we’re in touch with our senses and our intuition… that’s when the best ideas come…

Haha I don’t think that’s a good idea since being around with lot of people for a while takes up my energy a lot. Heck even if it’s just a single person and if I don’t like spending time with him/her it just drains me. Same goes for outside work as well.

Maybe this is same problem that you were talking about above – you don’t like crowds because they drain your energy? But maybe it can be applied to certain people too – they drain your energy and you don’t know how to protect yourself from that?

As for not falling asleep in the afternoon, how about watching some of those videos on your watch list? 🙂 (Turns out it was already on my watchlist but I still haven’t watched it.) Because for me, such videos (not all, but with good presenters) can be quite captivating and not something I’d doze off with 🙂

Hmm so I’m thinking about getting a tattoo. And my grandfather is always saying “not nice” things about getting tattoos so whenever I think about getting a tattoo for few minutes I do feel good and think about ideas and etc and after that I overthink what would my grandfather say? Sure he wouldn’t like it.. same for my father.

I see… well, how big of a tattoo are you planning? If it’s huge and sort of “in your face”, it might not be good from a business perspective either – if you want to present yourself as a solid business person. But if it’s something more discrete, it’s very common nowadays and not a big deal. And if it would make you happy, why not…

Hi John,

When you have been dominated for so long, not going against the flow becomes second nature.

Yes it does, and you might believe that by resisting to her demands, you will hurt her, or make her angry, and this feels bad.

In 2016, when you tried to talk to her like an adult, your wife got angry with you:

Needless to say she got very upset and at times was clearly angry with me

It seems she also turned the conservation around and started complaining about her own issues:

It turned into something of a lecture about herself and her issues totally unrelated to the relevant topic

It seems she started complaining how hard it is for her, totally disregarding your pain. And perhaps you felt that you are causing her pain, and this is what stopped you?

So perhaps when you want to express yourself, or claim anything for yourself, she starts complaining and pitying herself, and this causes a sense of guilt in you?

Dear John,

I know I come across as being a pathetic, whining loser

Do you believe this too – that you are a loser? Because this belief will prevent you from taking any action… What you’d need is self-compassion. Because it could be that the voice of the inner critic is very strong in you, and it adds to the voice of your wife, who is your external critic. So maybe you believe the criticism your wife is hurling at you, and you agree with it (at least partially), telling yourself what a loser you are. Is this what is happening?

Dear Katrine,

thanks for your concern. I too hope there will be some improvement soon.

As for the head chef, I don’t know why they are keeping him if he sometimes goes off his medications and uses alcohol and drugs. He isn’t stable. They could make his stay dependent on whether he is taking his medicine or not. Like this, he is just terrorizing people.

It’s good you’re not directly exposed to his moods, and that your guy won’t be working there any more. But still, your manager’s attitude isn’t encouraging. Btw is 72-hr work week a norm in the kitchen, or something your guy took on voluntarily because he needed the money? Because I think people usually get at least 2 days off with such schedule.

Regarding your previous crush, I understand it now a bit better. He didn’t say that he would write to you, but to your new guy. And you weren’t at the table when he joined. So it can’t be said that he tried to usurp the two of you from having some privacy.

my guy then left to smoke and he just stayed there. I expected him to leave since he doesn’t usually talk to me when other collegues can see.

How come? Because it seems your colleagues know you’re dating…

It’s interesting he wasn’t jealous that the guy you previously had a crush on is chatting with you. Have you talked about it? I mean, have you told him you don’t have feelings for the other guy anymore?

He mentioned that he doesn’t start something unless he is sure that he is really interested (he finds relationships hard too due to trauma as well) it made me nervous but then he kissed me and hugged me.

That’s a good sign! This means he is really interested and he isn’t just fooling around. And he did kiss you even if he was nervous.

 I really really like him and we had a really good time together the day before he left,

Has he kissed you on Sunday too? I mean, are you now officially dating or it’s still unsure?

I am very worried that him being away for that long is gonna make him forget about me. He isn’t a person who text a lot, he’s more in the present. He said that it’s not easy for him to be away from me for that long and that he is gonna miss me.

He doesn’t sound like someone who is playing games. And he told you he is serious about his intentions. And that he’s going to miss you. So I think you don’t have anything to worry about. But maybe you can ask him to keep in touch regularly, so you know what’s going on with him? I mean, if you’re now officially dating, you can express your preferences, you don’t need to hold back so much…

Hi SereneWolf,

Oh I hope you’ll be better. You still haven’t found a good doctor?

Next week I have an appointment with a new doctor, so I am hopeful but also slightly apprehensive, because I’ve been to several doctors already and no improvement so far…

Yup I think I’ve learned my lesson there haha

Good, that’s an important lesson! 🙂

Also most of the time I have to try to blend in around strangers, Other times I’m like what these humans are? How I could even be the same as them? Like I’m some alien

Okay, so you feel very different than others, like you’re some alien. That’s probably because your true self wasn’t appreciated by your parents or grandparents (or other adults you grew up around). You were constantly judged and criticized for being yourself. So you believe that you’re fundamentally different from other people, which isn’t true.

However, you might have developed a defense mechanism that keeps you away from others and makes you fear others, as if they’re going to harm you. You might be looking at people through that lens, magnifying the differences, seeking imperfections in them etc. This lens, i.e. filter is what actually creates a greater sense of distance between you and others. I think this filter is creating an artificial sense of distance and difference, which in reality doesn’t exist.

I’m starting to think there are lot of people who have heart full of love and they would love to share their love but it isn’t easy.

You said is about yourself too (or a friend of yours said it about you, I don’t remember anymore?). They said that you have a heart full of love, but are afraid to share it with others. And it’s true. Because you fear others.

It needs guts to trust on that level and vulnerability. And now I’m thinking as like people’s strength.

Yes, vulnerability is actually a strength. There is a famous TED talk on vulnerability by Brene Brown. It describes how she, who was someone who feared vulnerability, discovered the importance of vulnerability, by studying hundreds and thousands of happy people. She discovered that vulnerability is actually a prerequisite for happiness. You can enter “Brene Brown vulnerability TED talk” in youtube search and you’ll find it. Really powerful stuff.

And she certainly have this strength. For me admitting to someone that I miss them is really hard. Heck I don’t even remember when I did that last time.

It’s good that she has this strength! Because she won’t be playing games with you. She will tell you what bothers her and what she would like from you.

But I want to add something here: try not to compare yourself now and think “oh she has this strength and I don’t. I am so much worse than her” (which would be your inner critic). Rather, try to appreciate her for her ability to be vulnerable. You too will develop this strength, and you’re on a path to do that. Because frankly, till recently you thought it was a weakness, and a part of you still thinks it’s a weakness. So it will take some time to change the old habits and beliefs.

Thanks! you know realizing this makes the process of loving myself little easier. But it made me think like if I rely on that feeling doesn’t it make me dependable? Which is against one of the values that I have. Being self-independent.

You’re welcome, you are making a great progress! Actually, we humans are social creatures, and we’re meant to be interdependent, not independent. I mean, we’re not meant to be emotionally self-sufficient (if there is such a word). We’re not meant to be in a relationship with only ourselves, and not to be bonded to anyone. Being independent is good up to a point. But if you want to be emotionally independent and self-sufficient, that’s already a defense mechanism.

I agree and after getting stepped up from these old programming I don’t want to step back and just keep rounding for the same things and waste my physical and emotional energy. So I’ll try to spend more time in journaling and convincing my inner child even more. So he doesn’t see this as like bowl of water but more like a river…

So last time you said you’re starting to feel that you’re not hard to love. Which is fantastic! Just keep doing that, keep affirming that to yourself.

The other part of the problem might be that in a relationship, you feel trapped, like a fish in a bowl of water. And I think it could be because you see the other person as a threat. As very different than you. As judging you. As wanting to control you and suppress your true self.

You probably see the other person as your father, and it’s threatening your freedom, and you want to run away. You want to be free, like a fish in the river. You ran away from home, because of this feeling of being trapped. And now you want to apply the same coping strategy to your romantic relationships: run away, be free from “threat”. Would you say it’s true?

You’ve put quite a time and effort on me as well. So thanks to you too. I’m grateful to have a supportive friend/mentor like you

You’re welcome, it’s a pleasure to talk to you and help you on your path…

Yeah even in work I’m really result-driven. So you’re right I may have adopted his persona. As I’ve told now I’m much better at managing my anger and be calm as possible. Because to be honest after I started practicing spirituality nothing seems like a big deal to me.

Good that you’re aware of this drill-sergeant persona and are learning how to keep it at bay!

But I want to visit different places every weekends not the same places. But yeah it’s true that even though most of the time I’m visiting same places now it doesn’t bore me because spending time in nature does recharge me so well.

Yeah, I find that visiting the same places in nature – the places that I like and enjoy – is totally okay, because they recharge me. And they are never the same, really, there is always something different to appreciate…

My job isn’t boring. Or I guess now it seems boring because I saw more exciting opportunities? haha.. and currently I’m working on hybrid mode. 2 days office and 3 days from home. They wanted the other way like 3 days from office but I convinced them for 2 days lol

Glad your job isn’t boring. Then I guess simply spending time at home, comfortably seated in front of your computer, and being alone, naturally makes the person want to take a nap 🙂 If you were in the office, you would need to control yourself better, but like this, it’s easier to just doze off… So if you want to avoid afternoon slumps, I guess one solution would be to work from the office more frequently 🙂

Umm I’m not sure but I still may have fear? Like still if I want to do something crazy I know they won’t stop me but my mind first think like what they would think about me and judge me or something like that

Okay, so you’re still afraid of their judgment? Both your father’s, grandfather’s and your brother’s judgment as well? Btw what’s that “something crazy” that you’d want to do, but are reluctant to (if it’s not too much to ask)?