Hello LaReason,

It is obviously really difficult to assess your situation just based on what you’ve told, but I’ll give you my thoughts on the subject.

Regardless of how you would behave, it does say quite a lot about a person who’d call you names. Such reactions fall under their responsibility and you should try not to take it personally. Other people’s behavior is not your responsibility. Your behavior is your responsibility.

“Am I just meant to be here for people to step on and feel better about themselves?”

Of course not, and you know that. I understand that you feel frustrated and angry, but it would be better if you expressed the anger in a straightforward manner instead of such passive-aggressive comments.

There’s the possibility that you’re not actually being very confident, but just try to look like you are, which can come across in a terrible way. Assertiveness does not mean aggression, and confidence does not mean being loud, and so on. A confident person can still be quiet and kind. A confident person knows that it’s OK to be quiet and kind, and reserves the right to be such a person. Standing up for yourself does not have to be dramatic. You don’t have to stand up; you can just sit and smile 🙂 I’m afraid that if you are scared of someone walking all over you and you attempt to stop them with that mindset, it will come across the same way as a dog barking and showing their teeth.

I personally really love Nathaniel Branden’s books about self-esteem. They’re not fluffy self-help books designed to make you feel good, but very straightforward and honest descriptions of what sort of work needs to go into improving confidence and self-esteem. The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem is a classic: http://www.amazon.com/The-Six-Pillars-Self-Esteem-Definitive/dp/0553374397 As a side note, English isn’t my first language, and I use “confidence” and “self-esteem” interchangeably and see them as same. I hope I’m not confusing things too much.

Building confidence takes time, and it’s never constant. Some days you’ll feel less confident than others, or particular situations might be more challenging. Still, it would be good to be honest with yourself and with others in your relationships. Interestingly, such honesty also builds confidence over time…

Hello Jasmine!

I read this thread this morning and wanted to offer another point of view in addition to what others have said.

I know I am generalizing, but women do have the tendency to have less boundaries and be less individualistic in their approach to life. It’s more about the people around you than about you. It’s easy to get lost in other people’s feelings and emotions as well as take on the huge amount of pressure from living up to their expectations. Women constantly give away their power to decide what they want, and it’s so automatic that they don’t even realize that they are doing it.

Getting lost these days is even easier. I know it’s a bit of a cliche to blame the media, but it is so easy to get lost in social media and in what other people appear to be and then compare it to how you feel. I even notice it in myself: the moment I start to use more social media, my focal point changes to somewhere outside of myself, and I start to exist differently. So, just be aware that the Internet can do that to you. It’s as if your mind leaves your body and starts to live in this imaginary world.

Another thing that’s good to acknowledge is that being human isn’t pretty. We have this expectation of what the perfect life would look like and how the perfect person would look like and act like. Yet we all have an “ugly” side. It’s tempting to suppress that side and only accept the lovely things about us. If you keep suppressing one side of yourself and not acknowledging it, you can’t be fully your authentic self. Same goes with pain. If the pain about something is coming, then it’s tempting to try to forcefully push it away, or add to the pain by being anxious about being in pain. Yet, if you would just accept that you feel pain about a certain matter, then it would’ve just come and gone already, instead of lingering in your mind. You said yourself “it feels so good to just be heard”. Yes, it does. It feels very good to be heard and seen.

I’ll interrupt this message to tell you a bit from my own story. I also felt lost and confused most of my life (I am 20 years older than you). I was also very much codependent. I was always very aware of myself and how I presented myself, and also very keen to be pleasing to others. I always picked up on the mood of others, and adjusted myself accordingly. I always felt like nobody saw me or understood me. The real me. I resented other people for that. Now, looking back, I can understand couple of things. One is that people can only see what you present to them. Just because I could pick up on other people’s moods didn’t mean that they can do the same and magically see and feel what I’m seeing and feeling. The other thing, more important one, was that I myself didn’t even acknowledge everything that I was. I was more preoccupied with other people and what I looked like and what I ought to be and feel. I compared myself to others and if the comparison was favorable to me, I accepted it, and if it wasn’t favorable to me, I felt shame and neglected that part of myself. In reality, I never was lost. I was right there, all the time. I had just neglected myself in favor of something I thought I was supposed to be.

Even now, if I ask myself “who am I?” I’m not quite sure what I would answer. But I don’t feel lost. I know that if I encounter something that makes me laugh, then I know that there are things that clearly amuse me. If something bothers me and hurts my soul, I know that it’s not for me. I don’t have to have a list of attributes to know that I am real and an individual. I can accept some adjectives. For example, I know that I am stubborn. But I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to walk around thinking that I am a stubborn person. I’d rather allow the stubbornness to arise when it naturally arises, and just not brand myself as a stubborn individual.

So in conclusion: accept the feelings that arise, don’t try to block them. Accept the all sides of your personality, even the ones you do not like. If you feel like you need to be seen and heard, then you are the one who is the gatekeeper to your true nature. You decide whether other people, or even your own self, can see and hear the real you. I don’t mean that you need to constantly be completely open to everyone around you, but you should be open to yourself, if that makes sense.

You’re not lost. You are right there, but you need to just see yourself and accept what you are seeing, without judgment. Easier said than done, but it can be done.

Hello Nami,

I got a bit emotional reading your post, as I went through something similar and it was the catalyst for me for finally owning up to my mistakes and changing the course of my life. I know it hurts now, but you can use that hurt and willingness to heal to your benefit. I don’t think I would’ve sought help for myself and pushed myself forward without the motivation of wanting the man back I had lost due to my antics. I wanted to prove to him that I could heal. After a while it started to be about myself and now I am so thankful that everything happened. OK, I do regret hurting him, but the change that has happened in me and continues to happen has completely changed my life. I never would’ve gone through this transformation without him leaving me.

It will get better and then it will get worse. It will be painful and exhausting and terrifying. But if you continue with humility and willingness to shed the old habits and to allow love into your heart, it will all be worth it. You’ll heal and then you’ll heal some more and you will be tempted to think that you’re done with the work and will slip back to old habits. Then you continue again.

Things could’ve continued the same way for the rest of your life. You have been given a chance to change the course of your life. Grab it with both hands.

Hello again!

First of all, I would like to say that I’m sorry to hear you’re finding yourself in that situation and that I can understand the type of mental trap you’re talking about. I have been there myself, and continue to be from time to time, but am taking steps to recover from it.

I’m not so sure if re-inventing yourself is what’s needed, more than bringing yourself back to life. It really does sound like your work environment is unhealthy for several reasons, and it seems to be unhealthy for everyone. Though that’s how things tend to go. There are companies which have a very unhealthy culture and everyone working there will eventually get sucked into it. It is very unfortunate and sad. Even if you can’t change your work environment, it is good to be aware of how it can affect you, if you’re not careful.

You need to protect your soul and nurture it with meaningful things. I haven’t read the books you listed, but I am kind of suspicious of books like the ones from Tim Ferriss. He sells this idea of an easy life, a kind of quick fix to things. How to have the perfect life with very little effort. You already know how it makes you feel when you’re forced to work on meaningless things that require very little effort. I’m also finding myself disliking books and programs that are mainly about psyching people up and getting inspired, but then fail to deliver anything meaningful.

At this point, I’ll suggest couple of books to you that I’ve enjoyed myself. I’m listening to both of them as audio books and haven’t finished them yet, but thus far I’ve really enjoyed them. I’ll also tell you why I like them.

One of them is Buddha’s Brain by Rick Hanson. The reason I like it, is because it offers an interesting combination of neuroscience and Buddhism; factual reality and spiritual things. It’s not your average self-help book, in my opinion, as there’s quite a lot of science. It’s not about hype, but actual, practical things. It has given me hope that it is possible to change unhealthy thought patterns. Just like the rest of your body, the brain adapts to how you use it. So even if focus would be difficult to come by without proper motivation right now, it should be possible to learn how to focus, even if you didn’t have to. I’ll come back to why I think focus is what you need.

Another book is Getting Things Done by David Allen. I know that it doesn’t sound like you have much to do at the moment, so a stress relief program on how to handle things efficiently might not sound like something you’d need. But his book is also solid, and also gives hope: knowledge work blurs the lines of work so much that it causes stress. Acknowledging this and knowing that I’m not alone in that helped me a lot. Knowledge work seldom has proper structure when it comes to time and effort. In your current work, they need your brain there, prepared to be used, but if it’s not needed, it’s expected to be idle. Is it any wonder that you’re in a state of lethargy, when you’re expected to be vacant. The lines blur, reality blurs, and your mind is easily exploited with idle gossip. It deteriorates your mind and hurts your soul.

I do think that you need to bring some focus back in your life, even if you don’t need it at work. Time and space are slipping from you, as you’re vacantly living and slowly lulling yourself into a state of non-being. You need structure and focus, and if the company you’re working for isn’t interested in providing that, then you must provide it for yourself. You need to protect your mind and your soul. If you need motivation, then that’s one. When people approach you with gossip, make a conscious effort to divert the conversation or to not allow yourself to be sucked into it. Inject purpose and meaning into things that you’re now taking for granted, turning it into a mindfulness practice and doing it because it heals your soul and makes you stronger. If you want to improve yourself, then do something that actually matters, and don’t get suckered into the fast food type of self-improvement culture that’s all talk and no action.

Whilst walking and photography can be good for the soul, the problem with those is that you can do both without paying much attention. Of course both things will transform completely if you start to do them soulfully. Yes, you can walk soulfully 🙂 Allow your senses to take in everything around you and pay attention to the way your body moves. Or with photography, photograph things with your whole body, not just with your mind. If that makes sense. Express your whole being, not just what is in your mind. You need to get out of your state of living in your mind, yet being vacant all the time. You can force yourself out of it by doing such physically straining things that you have no other option than to be fully present in your body, or you can just really make an effort to be mindful. It’s hard, but what choice do you have? You can’t stay in the state of mind you’re in right now and you can’t afford to allow laziness to guide your way out of laziness. No quick fixes, but actual hard work.

Writing this has been therapeutic for me as well. I am partly writing for myself. So, just so you know, you’re not alone in your state of being. I think that from reading your posts, you come across as a lovely person. You’re just stuck in a difficult situation and you need to fight against it to protect yourself.

Dear Suze,

There’s something in what you are saying that I can relate to. I have a strong need to help other people and the society, and I am very much interested in the big picture. I have also been through depression.

I think that a few things contributed to my own depression, which I weren’t able to see back then, but it’s more clear to me now. If you think that being centered would mean that your central focus is within you, then my focus was off and blurry. My interests were always outside of myself, and I kept neglecting myself in many ways. I think that some sort of mindfulness meditation would’ve helped with this, to be more grounded and more centered in myself, in my life.

Another contributing factor, and what makes mindfulness meditation so difficult, is the wandering monkey brain. The constant chatter and analysis of everything. With some practice, it’s possible to stop it, even for a short while. I didn’t have any real tools, so I just started interrupting myself. I know from experience that when I’m interrupted enough times, I simply forget what I was saying and can’t say anything anymore. That’s what I did to my internal narration. I kept interrupting the constant negative stream of words and eventually, it wasn’t constant anymore. I got a bit power over the narration in my mind, and that was terribly empowering.

Then there’s the illusion of what we think life is or should be and what it actually is, as well as attaching morality to things, people and events, and expecting fairness and justice. Impossible expectations about life will lead to perpetual misery. Let us take your rich/poor example. My mother always said that if everything we have would be equally divided between all of us today, tomorrow some people would have more and others would have less. Would that be unjust? Morally wrong? We can constantly try to level the playing field, but things tend to gravitate towards a certain state. Does being poor mean being miserable? Does being rich equal happiness?

Understanding some of the realities of life does not mean being cold or uncaring. Also, imagine this: if a severely wounded person would be brought into the care of a doctor, would it be beneficial if the doctor became emotional, crying in shock over the fate of his fellow human? The ability to help in a way that creates more good than harm requires knowledge, patience, understanding of the causes of the symptoms and so forth. The causes of why we are in the situation we are right now as humanity are complex. Or perhaps very simple. I tend to think that if we all felt loved and cared for and safe, the world would look completely different. Since I can not wave a magic wand and change things just like that, I try (emphasis on the word “try”) to spread love and caring and the feeling of safety. In order to do so, I need to care for myself. I have to make sure that I feel safe and loved, so that all the extra love that accumulates in me can freely flow towards others without judgment or conditions. What if just like fear, love could behave like a virus and spread from one person onto the next, slowly contaminating the whole world?

In conclusion: definitely start by helping yourself. You’ll not change the world if you’re crippled from depression. Let the world be for a moment and focus on yourself. Learn how to have the power over your thoughts and emotions, instead of allowing them to control you. Ever noticed how those who aren’t able to control themselves tend to have a need for controlling things around them? Interestingly, when you’re able to control yourself, the need to control others lessens. You’ll feel more in control of your life and your destiny, and it will change the way you look at the world around you. Also, perhaps you’d be able to do things that would change the world. You can’t change things by just wishing them to be different, and you certainly can’t move the world to the right direction before you yourself know how to move.

Also, one last advice: don’t compare your inside with other people’s outside. You don’t know how happy or content other people are, and you most certainly are not alone with your concerns and feelings.

Cameron,

I’m sure Al will answer your question, but since I was going to come here to respond to Zita anyway, I thought I’d respond to you as well. I agree with Al that it is through pain and suffering that we learn the most, but suffering in romantic relationships isn’t the only type of suffering there is. Nobody gets through life without pain and suffering. It just comes in different forms to different people. It’s not just pure luck that some people have married their first love and have stuck with it. I do think that they have been more wholesome when it comes to dealing with relationships, without unrealistic expectations and willingness to work on their relationship. It still doesn’t mean that their lives are perfect. They have their own worries and their own journeys to go through.

Zita,

I’ve been trying to figure out how to better explain my point of view. To me, the concept is clear, but it’s not that easy to explain.

Imagine that there is energy in you that is free for you to spend how ever you please. What ever is the focus of your attention is where you spend your energy. I’m just talking about energy, not positive or negative energy. Just energy. Precious energy. As long as your focus is on other people, you will continue to expend your energy on others. If you never focus on your own needs, you will end up in a situation where all your energy is constantly being fed to others, whether they ask for it or not. You will end up running on empty, desperately waiting for someone else to spend their energy on you, just like you are spending it on them. When that doesn’t happen, you will feel cheated. You spent all that energy on them, and now it’s wasted and nobody is tending to your needs. Yet, all you would have to do is change your focus from them onto yourself, even for a while, and you would be replenished.

My understanding of unconditional love is that when you are so filled with love and compassion yourself, it will start to overflow towards anything and everything around you. It doesn’t matter who the recipient is, as you have all this extra love and it’s freely given to others. The concept can’t be understood if one hasn’t been filled with love. If you’re running on empty, the last thing you can do is to give unconditionally to others. You can’t. It’s impossible. The same goes for forgiveness, in my opinion. As long as you’re empty, not tending to your wounds and not using your own energy to heal yourself, and still wasting it on others, there is no possibility for forgiveness. The state of emergency continues. It could be changed at any given moment with a bit of self-awareness, but the shift is very hard to do.

This is why, Zita, it is important to focus on yourself. You are focusing on others to the extent that when the advice is to feel compassion and forgiveness towards the self in order to heal, you are more preoccupied with the selves of other people and do not acknowledge your own. You are in pain, so you must tend to your wounds. Worry about other people later, when you are healed and full of energy again. And when you are full of energy again and perhaps even full of love, letting go of the past hurts and forgiving others will come naturally.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by The Ruminant.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by The Ruminant.

Dear Stephen,

I was thinking this morning how our problems so often seem to stem from our inability to cope with painful things and the subsequent avoidance of those situations, to a point where we create all kinds of coping mechanisms that end up making our own lives very difficult. What is painful for you is a bit different from what I find painful, but the end results seem to be similar.

Feeling as if you are left with nothing can be a blessing in disguise. That is when you are left with no other choice than to start working on the original problem. Having to face the reality is really scary and painful, but once you get through it, everything changes. I agree with you, that the solution is found from amongst actual people and not online. If you are living in a city, there’s a very good chance that there can be support groups for those who suffer from social anxiety. When I felt like I had lost everything couple of years ago, I was kind of forced to join a support group (I really didn’t want to) and it ended up being a really healing experience. To be forced to open up in front of other people in a safe setting was really life changing. Nothing bad happened. I survived, and so should you 🙂

The road is winding and there will be breakthroughs and setbacks. Looking back, I think that the setbacks, for me, came after the breakthroughs as I felt too sure that I had changed overnight and then slipped back to my old habits. Things do not change overnight, but it is a bit of a rush to break down some old walls and let the sunshine in. It does require a lot of courage, but the rewards are tremendous.

I would advice you to be smart about it. Support groups usually have rules, which makes them safe places. When I got a bit too excited about opening up, I ended up opening up to people who didn’t react to it in a good way. It didn’t end up doing too much damage, and I did learn to be a bit more discerning with what kind of people to socialize with. Or rather, having kind of “tiers” with different kinds of people: some would see more of me than others. In you, just like in everyone else, is this unique, extremely beautiful soul, that everyone wants to see. To have a connection with another vulnerable being is what intimacy is all about, and we all want it, we all crave it, but not everyone are able to handle it. So be wise and take baby steps, but do take those steps. It is scary and can be painful, but it is all very, very rewarding.

Hello!

I just read your post (you don’t need to apologize for it’s length; you write what you want to write and those who want to read it, will). I could relate to a lot of things in your post. In the same time it’s interesting to see someone else go through things that I have went through: there’s more clarity and compassion, but also it’s hard to give any concrete advice, as I think I’m still struggling with some of the same things you are.

One thing that I noticed, which I know I do myself as well, is that you readily have understanding for his lack of respect for you. I have done that same thing, but it’s interesting to see the same in someone else. My big sister isn’t anything like that and she will call out anyone on their BS and places the responsibility where it should be. Her way of handling things sometimes makes me feel really safe, because I know that I am way too forgiving in an unhealthy way. So I feel a bit like a big sister to you, when I read how you are so understanding towards this person who really did not treat you very nicely. Sure, he is free to do what ever he wants with his life, and sure, he might have self-esteem issues. He is still responsible for his own actions and how he treats other people. I do think that lack of respect and the blurred lines of online relationships are rather common these days, but it might do us good to set some proper boundaries and not accept the kind of behavior that hurts us. I sometimes imagine my own inner child, desperate to be understood and cared for, and then I, the adult, keep placing her in situations where she hurts and I do nothing. I have the power to keep those who hurt her at an arms length. But I digress…

Are you able to block him in your game, so that you wouldn’t see him when he’s online? Taking some time off from the game might do you good as well. Think of it as a healing holiday. It doesn’t have to be permanent, and you can always go back, but just stay away for couple of weeks from this place that keeps pouring salt to your wounds.

Also, perhaps acknowledge that you need care as well. You’re worried about him, but it is his job to worry about himself and your job to worry about you.

I know that you know all this and I also know how hard it is to let go. It’s only been couple of weeks. I can understand the shattering and how it feels like when all of a sudden your reality isn’t want you thought it was. It takes time to heal from that. I’m sure that you are on some level desperately trying to put the genie back in the bottle (not sure if that’s the correct idiom to use), and make everything “normal” again. It’s just not going to happen, and talking with him isn’t going to fix things. He doesn’t have the answer to you that would take the pain away. I am sorry you are going through this and I know that it is painful.

Please remember that compassion and forgiveness isn’t the same thing as allowing those who hurt us to continue doing so. I have been in your situation many times with many different people, and after gaining a bit more confidence and love towards myself, I have decided to let go of certain people who are repeat offenders of making me feel really bad and humiliated. Sure, they don’t do it on purpose, but why uphold relationships like that? It is easier to let go of them, when you’re not in the middle of an emotional turmoil. Letting go comes naturally when the storm has passed and you feel better and more at peace.

I am very much looking forward to what other people have to say, as I would like to learn more as well.