Hello LaReason,

It is obviously really difficult to assess your situation just based on what you’ve told, but I’ll give you my thoughts on the subject.

Regardless of how you would behave, it does say quite a lot about a person who’d call you names. Such reactions fall under their responsibility and you should try not to take it personally. Other people’s behavior is not your responsibility. Your behavior is your responsibility.

“Am I just meant to be here for people to step on and feel better about themselves?”

Of course not, and you know that. I understand that you feel frustrated and angry, but it would be better if you expressed the anger in a straightforward manner instead of such passive-aggressive comments.

There’s the possibility that you’re not actually being very confident, but just try to look like you are, which can come across in a terrible way. Assertiveness does not mean aggression, and confidence does not mean being loud, and so on. A confident person can still be quiet and kind. A confident person knows that it’s OK to be quiet and kind, and reserves the right to be such a person. Standing up for yourself does not have to be dramatic. You don’t have to stand up; you can just sit and smile 🙂 I’m afraid that if you are scared of someone walking all over you and you attempt to stop them with that mindset, it will come across the same way as a dog barking and showing their teeth.

I personally really love Nathaniel Branden’s books about self-esteem. They’re not fluffy self-help books designed to make you feel good, but very straightforward and honest descriptions of what sort of work needs to go into improving confidence and self-esteem. The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem is a classic: http://www.amazon.com/The-Six-Pillars-Self-Esteem-Definitive/dp/0553374397 As a side note, English isn’t my first language, and I use “confidence” and “self-esteem” interchangeably and see them as same. I hope I’m not confusing things too much.

Building confidence takes time, and it’s never constant. Some days you’ll feel less confident than others, or particular situations might be more challenging. Still, it would be good to be honest with yourself and with others in your relationships. Interestingly, such honesty also builds confidence over time…

This could have been a post written by me 20 years ago.

There are a few things going on:

1. People view you as “safe”, so when you (to them suddenly) speak up, set boundaries, they (suddenly) feel that they have lost you as their safe zone.

2. People can have the barnyard mentality. They never actually pick on the “dead dog”, but they will pick on you if they are lower down on the totem pole. You asserting yourself makes them think “Even she’s alpha over me! I don’t think so!” True Queen Bees or Kingpins don’t act this way. But the Wannabe’s and Toadies do!

Example: Everyone was telling me how supportive everyone is at the local Triathlons. I enter and my bike gets brake problems. So little by little I see that I am falling behind! (I am coasting on the bike now). Everyone who would place under 2 hours were great and supportive. But the people placing over 2 hours were terrified that I would beat them! It was beyond the natural competition. It was more, “OMG, I’m going to be beat by the middle-aged mom, oh no, not that!!” Whenever I would pass this one girl I’d hear her swear! She would pass me. I would pass her. Swearing! etc.!

I think what you’re experiencing is a “dominance” thing.

3. It’s easier to say “No’ once. Believe me.

4. They don’t speak to you again? Great! That means that they are actually afraid of you now! They know the jig is up! That you see right through them!

5. Now you are free to find better, quality friends. The more strong, respectful people you interact with, them more these other types will fade away.

I’m glad that you had a revelation 🙂 As someone who used to be really passive-aggressive and manipulative, I know that light-bulb feeling. Get ready for another one. How to express anger? You say “This makes me really angry”. It really is that simple and about being clear and honest.

Perhaps you had thought that it was somehow better and more appropriate to use words that buffered what you really feel and think. It really isn’t, and you might be really surprised by how people will react to genuine communication. That said, genuine communication does not mean being rude and offensive. You can still be kind and lovely. Just clearly communicate your needs and feelings.

Another side of passive-aggressiveness is trying to make people behave in a way you want them to behave. Please remember that you are only responsible of your behavior and if someone reacts to your honest communication with disdain, it is their problem. Luckily, I have noticed that it’s surprisingly easy to let go of people who do not fit with the authentic self. It was harder to let go of those who did not fit with the false self. I don’t know why, but it’s pretty great 🙂

Look for books about codependence. Passive-aggressiveness is really prevalent in that condition, as is fear of altercation.

This is my happenings – it may be of some help to your situation? I’m learning the QTIP method of things QUIT TAKING IT PERSONALLY. Do you like these people? Are they worth your time? I work with a bunch of self centred halfwits who think the world belongs to them alone and should you not do as they say at any given moment you will be judged, ruled ‘incompetent’ and excluded from practice as a result. At the end of the day I am who I am, I have no control over what others think, see, or act on – what I do have control over is how I personally react to all this.

I have a belief that there is something higher in the world working it’s way in my life and I’m merely on a learning journey of discovery and whatever that may be, I can choose to let go of the happenings, and just focus on being the best me I can be regardless of what others think of the situation. It’s not easy, and it doesn’t happen overnight. It has given me focus on just living rather than trying to meet the need of each individual that enters my space at any given moment.

Good luck in your personal learning journey of discovery, may it be a fruitful one.