Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→How to deal with people who think the world of themselves…
- This topic has 9 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 5 months ago by LaReason.
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May 15, 2014 at 8:05 am #56326LaReasonParticipant
I am just very confused at how to proceed. I have always been introverted, a kind person and I absolutely hate for anyone to be mad at me. If anyone is mad I usually just apologize and beg for them to forgive me. Lately I have been working very hard at finding self-confidence and projecting that forward in an attempt to shield myself from people just walking all over me. Now, basically when people are hurtful to me I try to stand up for myself in a rational way rather than automatically thinking “it must be my fault!” and apologizing. Well, everyone now just says “You’re a b—-” and just walks away from me. Literally the second I try to stand up for myself or explain my point of view they are just done with the conversation and don’t want to speak w me again.
I don’t understand. Am I just meant to be here for people to step on and feel better about themselves? It seems that way. It seems that I am not allowed to have an opinion or “fight back” when I’m having insults hurled at me.
I don’t think I described my situation very well but hopefully someone can give me some advice on this. I’m tired of feeling like this.
May 15, 2014 at 9:37 am #56328The RuminantParticipantHello LaReason,
It is obviously really difficult to assess your situation just based on what you’ve told, but I’ll give you my thoughts on the subject.
Regardless of how you would behave, it does say quite a lot about a person who’d call you names. Such reactions fall under their responsibility and you should try not to take it personally. Other people’s behavior is not your responsibility. Your behavior is your responsibility.
“Am I just meant to be here for people to step on and feel better about themselves?”
Of course not, and you know that. I understand that you feel frustrated and angry, but it would be better if you expressed the anger in a straightforward manner instead of such passive-aggressive comments.
There’s the possibility that you’re not actually being very confident, but just try to look like you are, which can come across in a terrible way. Assertiveness does not mean aggression, and confidence does not mean being loud, and so on. A confident person can still be quiet and kind. A confident person knows that it’s OK to be quiet and kind, and reserves the right to be such a person. Standing up for yourself does not have to be dramatic. You don’t have to stand up; you can just sit and smile 🙂 I’m afraid that if you are scared of someone walking all over you and you attempt to stop them with that mindset, it will come across the same way as a dog barking and showing their teeth.
I personally really love Nathaniel Branden’s books about self-esteem. They’re not fluffy self-help books designed to make you feel good, but very straightforward and honest descriptions of what sort of work needs to go into improving confidence and self-esteem. The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem is a classic: http://www.amazon.com/The-Six-Pillars-Self-Esteem-Definitive/dp/0553374397 As a side note, English isn’t my first language, and I use “confidence” and “self-esteem” interchangeably and see them as same. I hope I’m not confusing things too much.
Building confidence takes time, and it’s never constant. Some days you’ll feel less confident than others, or particular situations might be more challenging. Still, it would be good to be honest with yourself and with others in your relationships. Interestingly, such honesty also builds confidence over time…
May 15, 2014 at 10:43 am #56333Utpal VaishnavParticipantI feel your pain as I’ve experienced similar situations a couple of decades ago.
I’d like to share what I have learned the hard way about how to deal with such situation.
Know that you have the ability to choose your response no matter what happens to you.
Now, choosing your response does not mean that you need to communicate it loud in anticipation of acceptance that you are seeking from the other side.Choosing your response simply means that you don’t depend upon someone else to make you feel good. Choosing your response means that you give your best shot no matter what the situation is.
You don’t expect anything in return.
And guess what? You’ll get to experience the much more relieved version of yours.
You are in this world for a unique purpose. Good thing is that you have already taken the first step towards discovering that purpose by asking this question.
When someone says that you are X, Y and Z it doesn’t mean you’re X, Y and Z. It simply means that their vocabulary is limited to X, Y and Z. You should feel pity for them so be kind and forgive them.
They don’t represent who you are. They just represent who they are by their actions.
Be kind. Be fulfilled. Discover that purpose and live that purpose purposefully.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Utpal Vaishnav. Reason: "live" was misspelled as "life"
May 15, 2014 at 10:45 am #56335InkyParticipantThis could have been a post written by me 20 years ago.
There are a few things going on:
1. People view you as “safe”, so when you (to them suddenly) speak up, set boundaries, they (suddenly) feel that they have lost you as their safe zone.
2. People can have the barnyard mentality. They never actually pick on the “dead dog”, but they will pick on you if they are lower down on the totem pole. You asserting yourself makes them think “Even she’s alpha over me! I don’t think so!” True Queen Bees or Kingpins don’t act this way. But the Wannabe’s and Toadies do!
Example: Everyone was telling me how supportive everyone is at the local Triathlons. I enter and my bike gets brake problems. So little by little I see that I am falling behind! (I am coasting on the bike now). Everyone who would place under 2 hours were great and supportive. But the people placing over 2 hours were terrified that I would beat them! It was beyond the natural competition. It was more, “OMG, I’m going to be beat by the middle-aged mom, oh no, not that!!” Whenever I would pass this one girl I’d hear her swear! She would pass me. I would pass her. Swearing! etc.!
I think what you’re experiencing is a “dominance” thing.
3. It’s easier to say “No’ once. Believe me.
4. They don’t speak to you again? Great! That means that they are actually afraid of you now! They know the jig is up! That you see right through them!
5. Now you are free to find better, quality friends. The more strong, respectful people you interact with, them more these other types will fade away.
May 16, 2014 at 11:49 am #56411LaReasonParticipantwow. you guys truly are amazing! i feel like i just got slapped in the face, in a GOOD way, in a “WAKE UP!” kind of way. i feel like i understand the situation much more rationally now.
The Ruminant-THANK YOU for calling me out on being passive aggressive. you have no idea what a light-bulb that is for me. i am incredibly passive aggressive and i can see now how that response is not a helpful one. how would you suggest learning to go about expressing anger and frustration in a more straight-forward way? i will definitely check out that book.
Utpal-thanks so much for empathizing and for your advice. you are absolutely right in that i need to learn how to control my response rather than just firing back at someone in my attempt to “stand up for myself”.
Inky- i think you are certainly right in that people view me as someone they can kick around so when i stand up for myself they’re like “hah, yeah right. you’re not going to challenge me. who do you think you are??” and i also think you’re right that i’m better off without those people in my life, and that their “confidence” in themselves isn’t as secure as it may seem. they obviously have something going on or they wouldn’t say and do the things they do.
May 16, 2014 at 12:44 pm #56418The RuminantParticipantI’m glad that you had a revelation 🙂 As someone who used to be really passive-aggressive and manipulative, I know that light-bulb feeling. Get ready for another one. How to express anger? You say “This makes me really angry”. It really is that simple and about being clear and honest.
Perhaps you had thought that it was somehow better and more appropriate to use words that buffered what you really feel and think. It really isn’t, and you might be really surprised by how people will react to genuine communication. That said, genuine communication does not mean being rude and offensive. You can still be kind and lovely. Just clearly communicate your needs and feelings.
Another side of passive-aggressiveness is trying to make people behave in a way you want them to behave. Please remember that you are only responsible of your behavior and if someone reacts to your honest communication with disdain, it is their problem. Luckily, I have noticed that it’s surprisingly easy to let go of people who do not fit with the authentic self. It was harder to let go of those who did not fit with the false self. I don’t know why, but it’s pretty great 🙂
Look for books about codependence. Passive-aggressiveness is really prevalent in that condition, as is fear of altercation.
May 16, 2014 at 1:57 pm #56420LaReasonParticipanti definitely believe i may be codependent. i find myself trying to manipulate others’ reactions often, and i hate conflict. i literally get a panic attack just thinking about someone being angry with me or thinking poorly of me.
you rock, Ruminant. thank you so much for your wise advice. going to re-read it several times now so it sinks in!
May 17, 2014 at 5:39 pm #56461mingParticipantThis is my happenings – it may be of some help to your situation? I’m learning the QTIP method of things QUIT TAKING IT PERSONALLY. Do you like these people? Are they worth your time? I work with a bunch of self centred halfwits who think the world belongs to them alone and should you not do as they say at any given moment you will be judged, ruled ‘incompetent’ and excluded from practice as a result. At the end of the day I am who I am, I have no control over what others think, see, or act on – what I do have control over is how I personally react to all this.
I have a belief that there is something higher in the world working it’s way in my life and I’m merely on a learning journey of discovery and whatever that may be, I can choose to let go of the happenings, and just focus on being the best me I can be regardless of what others think of the situation. It’s not easy, and it doesn’t happen overnight. It has given me focus on just living rather than trying to meet the need of each individual that enters my space at any given moment.
Good luck in your personal learning journey of discovery, may it be a fruitful one.
May 17, 2014 at 11:24 pm #56466The RuminantParticipantMing,
Is it OK if I pass on an advice that was given to me, which made a huge change in me?
Be mindful of the words that you use to describe things. Back in the day, I talked about myself using less than lovely words. Sometimes it was in the form of sarcasm, but still. I was told to stop doing that. I wasn’t allowed to talk about myself in a negative way anymore. I agreed and stopped myself every time I was using negative words to describe myself. I was really surprised by how much I used those words and how many times I had to stop myself talking badly about myself. I didn’t even start any kind of positive affirmations or anything like that. I simply stopped the negative talk. Over a surprisingly short period of time, it made a huge difference in me. I had no idea how much the words I used had affected my being.
So, when you use words like “self-centered halfwits”, the anger will stay with you and you will continue to take it personally. It does not add anything of value to your world view if you use words like that. Force yourself to choose other, more neutral words to describe people, including yourself. Honestly, it does make a huge difference in your own well-being. The old saying “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” isn’t just about being polite in a social situation. It can also be about your own well-being.
May 19, 2014 at 7:32 am #56542LaReasonParticipantRuminant that’s such a good point, one that I really need to be more aware of. I pride myself on my sarcasm, it makes people laugh. But at the same time I’ve realized that even my sarcastic “good humored” making fun of myself is actually damaging to my perception of myself..and it’s also a way of hiding from how I truly feel about myself. It’s almost impossible for me to compliment myself and not feel guilty afterwards. I am going to make a point of noticing when I insult myself (or anyone else) and try to become more aware of my thoughts projecting themselves that way.
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