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The Ruminant

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Viewing 15 posts - 316 through 330 (of 360 total)
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  • The Ruminant
    Participant

    I’d personally take words away from you, not give you more 🙂 Perhaps you do analyze too much. You think about how to think. You say that you feel vulnerable, but I personally do not see that in your writing. Is your ego attached to your intellectual skills? Do you spend a lot of time thinking about abstract things?

    I may be completely wrong, but if you use your intellect and words as your main tool in life, then you would need to be more centered, more grounded, more in touch with your physical body. To feel as well and not just think.

    You can only live in this moment, but you can learn from the past and plan for the future. You just need balance and be aware of the tricks your mind may play. We don’t experience things exactly as they are, due to our limitations. We can also twist the events in our minds. This is especially problematic with a person who thinks a lot. They may rely solely on their analytical skills, and don’t give enough credit to gut feeling. That creates a very volatile world.

    Try to be more comfortable with just feeling things and not thinking them. Observe with your senses, but don’t try to make sense of what you are observing. No narrative, just observing. Does that make any sense?

    in reply to: Love is..? #52244
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Yes, that is a rather bleak view of the world 🙂 I don’t share your view, but I think I might understand it. I went through something like that some time ago.

    As a disclaimer, I’ll say that I’m not a Buddhist, nor do I follow any other religion, nor am I an atheist. I examine and listen and observe and come up with my own view of the world, which I know is never going to be complete nor can it be the absolute truth. In my current view, we’re not supposed to be completely free of fear or needs (physical, emotional). That would indeed make us very non-human. It’s more about finding balance and being compassionate and reasonable. I think it is tempting to use the learned mature skills as self-defence. “I’m loving and compassionate towards myself and others so I don’t need anyone and I can never get hurt.” That would indeed lead to an interesting situation with no true intimacy. Intimacy requres vulnerability and if you think that you’re some sort of enlightened superhuman, you can’t be vulnerable. The general you, not you you 🙂

    As for selfless acts of kindness without receiving love back… I’m somewhat skeptical about such situations. Codependents think that they are being completely unselfish and then act as martyrs. Again, not talking about you personally 🙂 To receive love requires humility and vulnerability. To take a leap, and why would you do that, if you’ve found this great way to emerge yourself in love all by yourself. Some choose not to, and go to a monastery. I personally would rather experience the thrill.

    in reply to: Love is..? #52233
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I have couple of books on mature romantic love, but haven’t read them yet, so I’ll need to give my uncultured thoughts on the matter 🙂

    I see immature romantic love as clinging onto something external that is supposed to provide for our needs. We become obsessed and addicted to the source that sometimes gives us pleasure and other times gives us pain. How to control it and always get pleasure? We can’t so it’s an endless source of frustration and fascination.

    I see mature love as accepting that the other person’s value does not come from what they can provide for me, but who they are as a different person with different needs and thoughts and ways of seeing and doing things. I don’t need them to fulfil a void or to validate my existence. I appreciate their companionship and care and love. Besides, if we are both already filled with love and then love each other on top of that, how joyous would that be?

    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Thank you for sharing your story. This may sound really odd, but I see a feel good love story in all of this. You are both in a psychologically scary and straining situation. You need to re-establish the truth and have the pressure of being tied to another person. He is completely at your mercy with an uncertain future. Those are huge issues and very stressful. Yet you are able to discuss them and you clearly love each other. If you can get through this fearful time with love and compassion, then that is just beautiful. So much potential for growth and learning.

    I also have to commend you for your approach. We all hide things because we are ashamed and scared. When those things come out, it makes a huge difference how other people respond. We are all more or less scared and traumatized by reality, which is why we escape it and create illusions. Some more than others. So when we are forced to face the reality, it shows real kindness to help others in facing it and not make it scarier than it already is. After we do get back to reality, it’s such an empowering feeling that we wonder, why did we ever try to escape it in the first place. But that’s what people do, when they get overwhelmed.

    in reply to: Confront him or not? #52133
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I would also like to add another point of view: how do you feel about yourself if you don’t confront him? Yes, it won’t be pleasant and he will blame you and be angry and that is never fun to go through. But if you tell yourself that your knowledge and gut feeling aren’t important enough, you’ll damage your ability to trust yourself. Your relationship with yourself is the most important one that lasts your lifetime.

    I have been in countless situations where I knew that something was wrong, but I decided to not believe that feeling and allowed my ego and other people to convince me another story. Of course I always ended up getting hurt, but it all took a toll on how I felt about myself. Other people lying wasn’t the biggest betrayal to me, but that I betrayed myself and put myself in harmful situations even though I knew deep down that I should’ve protected myself by seeking healthier people to be with.

    You seem like someone who has a healthy self-esteem. Protect that!

    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Shame and guilt can make people do and say the weirdest things. A small lie made up to avoid a painful situation feeds the shame and guilt even more, and more lies are needed to continue avoiding the inevitable. Some people aren’t that good at planning the practical side of life nor are career oriented. In the eyes of the society, that makes those people weak and useless. They may do other things like take care of other people, but that doesn’t make them strong and desirable.

    Your husband chose the wrong way to deal with the situation and that added to his shame, which he now has to deal with. You need to deal with the feeling of betrayal. You both need to deal with the practicalities of what this all means. It’s not going to be easy, but if you don’t deal with it, it will just continue the spiral of avoiding discussing painful things. I know you didn’t choose to participate in that spiral, but we all have to go through some situations that make us say “it’s not fair, I didn’t do anything to deserve this”. Expecting fairness is one of the traps that we create for ourselves that cause pain and frustration.

    in reply to: Singing… #52077
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Lenne,

    I got really moved reading your post and I don’t think you have anything to be embarrassed about. I can relate and feel a need to help, to say something that would convince you to dare to open up and sing, but I actually feel a bit…intimidated. There is something incredibly beautiful in you desire to express yourself and what ever I would have to say would pale in comparison. I don’t want to offer a banal “you can do it!” cheer, but I do believe that you can do it, and when you do, it’s a start for something magnificent.

    We all need to practice to master anything. Great artists put a lot of time and effort into mastering their technique. It would be unlikely that you would one day start to sing and it would be pitch perfect right from the start. It is much more likely that you would actually sound not so great 🙂 That’s because you haven’t practiced, not because you would be bad. Considering your desire to sing, you’ll probably become very good, but practice is needed to get there. So do not let any initial stumbling discourage you. Of course first you’d need to make a sound. Any sound. Seek a safe place where you know you can make a noise without anyone hearing and then…start. With anything. Just do it. Make a sound, a noise, anything. That would be your only mission and goal. Then celebrate that! Then make more sounds.

    Learning how to sing and gaining confidence to express yourself are two different things which both support each other, but are iterative processes that take time. Luckily, you’ll likely enjoy the process! 🙂

    in reply to: Success and behavioral change #52063
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Since I don’t know your friend, it’s impossible to assess her accurately. However, there are couple of things you should be aware of people in general. One is the need to appear strong and successful, and avoid appearing weak and a failure. Another is emotional immaturity, which means the inability to cope with the fact that it’s not that black and white.

    Appearances are never the whole story. In my opinion, one does not have yo be terribly skeptical about everything people say, but it is a good idea to take it with a grain of salt and to put it in perspective. I know plenty of people who want to join in on different causes and go through the motions of caring and helping others, but don’t actually have the capacity to truly open up and offer support to another human being. People have difficulty giving attention to another person for a prolonged time. It’s more important to update Facebook status about being out with friends than to actually focus on the friends they are with 🙂 Appearances matter more tyan substance.

    There is no actual contradiction. It just seems so to you, because you take her behavior for face value. You’d have to see deeper into her fears and motivation to understand the pattern.

    While I haven’t yet read the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, I have looked into it and two of the agreements are “don’t take anything personally” and “don’t make assumptions”. I’m sure it hurts to lose a friend, but even if it is a personal relationship, try not to take her actions personally, because ultimately it is about her and not about you. She might only be ready for a very superficial connection. It is your choice whether you are OK with that or if you’d rather spend your energy on other people (or yourself!) Her journey is different to yours. Focus on your journey and definitely take care of yourself regardless of other people’s actions.

    in reply to: Wanting more for my life.. #52037
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hi Elfie!

    I believe that we all need to aquire certain things during our growth as humans. Whether that’s according to Maslow or the Chakras or some other theory on developmental stages. I believe that one of the things we need is the feeling of being an autonomous individual and have control over ourselves. I think that many people equate freedom and independece with travel and meeting new people, and travel may give a sense of freedom for a while just like food can give comfort for a moment. I’m not trying to tell you that you shouldn’t travel 🙂 Just that it’s more important to listen to that need and that there are other ways to provide for that need. You can live in a small town and feel free and independent. You don’t have to, but you can.

    I have a history of codependence and lack of boundaries, and because of that, a low tolerance for people who try to tell me what to do or what to be. The small child in me starts to scream in panic and lashes back. I love to help people and I even have a tendency for self-sacrifice, but when I notice that it’s no longer happening on my terms, I feel like I’m losing myself and I get very anxious. To prevent this, I need to cultivate my boundaries and the feeling that within those boundaries, I am in charge and in control and nobody else. It is my autonomous territory and nobody else is allowed to occupy it. I am free to think and feel what ever I want. Knowing that and treasuring that alleviates my anxiety greatly.

    I have traveled a lot and lived abroad and have been a bit of a rebel. Those things did not give me the peace I desired. Don’t get me wrong. I still love to travel, but I’m not expecting it to provide for my fundamental need for personal freedom. I could be a prisoner and still feel free. What you want will be found from within you, not from outside sources.

    So my suggestion is that you start to gently cultivate those boundaries. Take a moment to reflect on your feelings when anything happens and then compassionately follow your own truth. Compassionately and slowly and calmly. Find your center and imagine your boundaries. Focus on that area and be present in there. It takes practice and since we are talking about such abstract matters, it’s hard to give truly practical advice.

    When you have your autonomy and your freedom, what you really want might be something different. Or perhaps it’s exactly what it is now. Whether or not you are a person who wants to travel or a person who wants to get married and have children early on is a separate issue from having a feeling of control over yourself and a feeling of personal freedom. You will have a better grasp of who you are when you occupy your own space and keep healthy boundaries. Just don’t let your fear or anxiety to make the decisions on what you should do, because that’s no different from allowing another person to decide for you. You can feel free regardless of what you end up deciding to do.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by The Ruminant.
    in reply to: Being myself #52004
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I very much like Matt’s response. It’s kind of vague and poetic, but that’s pretty much how things go 🙂

    Don’t compare how other people appear to be on the outside to how you feel on the inside. It’s an illusion that others would have everything figured out. Also, strong voices might be strong because they are trying to convince themselves. Truly confident people are very, very rare, and the ones I’ve met are mostly older people. I have never met a confident person in their early twenties. Enthusiastic and bold, yes, but not confident. Confidence comes with experience; both good and bad.

    in reply to: Awakening and Others #51981
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hello Cody!

    Yes, I’ve had that experience. Right now, I don’t really know anyone who would be on the same page with me, but that might also be an error in my perception. In any case, there has been plenty of confusion on my part on how to relate to life and others. After any major changes, it’s hard to take the mundane seriously. Luckily, everything is slowly finding it’s place again. I do find pleasure in the most mundane things and superficial discussions. I could still talk about cosmetics for hours, because it’s something that interests me. What I’m not interested in though, is the drama and the whining and the complaining. I don’t enjoy Facebook anymore because of that. I have trouble with certain friendships where I need to listen to problems that clearly stem from the person with the problem and I don’t know what to say or how to help (female relationships usually require a lot of listening and agreeing instead of problem solving).

    I feel more mature in my thinking and ways, which I enjoy. I’m also aware that the people I’ve known haven’t changed with me. The only times that truly bothers me is when I’m afraid of falling back to old habits, when I’m feeling insecure. Sometimes it makes me sad, because I feel the need to connect on another level or when I see the confusion and I can’t make them see more clearly. Most of the times though, I focus on my own life and connect with myself or my surroundings in a more abstract way.

    So I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s not so much about changing interests, but about change in the underlying intention. If someone feels joy and excitement with me about a particular subject, I’m happy to participate. If I can see that the motive is based on fear or need for drama (different from excitement), then I don’t want to get involved.

    in reply to: What does she want from me? #51903
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Do you realize that you are entangled in a person, yet confused why she is entangled with you? You also ask if you should have a voice and stand up for yourself, yet you ask for the permission to do that from other people? Nobody can disturb your peace or force you to feel or think something. You make that choice and you have now chosen to obsess over her.

    in reply to: Overly sensitive / Taking things personally #51894
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I’m trying to figure out a way to clearly communicate my thoughts on this without having to type too much, as I’m on a mobile device 🙂 Anyway, I’m becoming more and more convinced that what a person needs is not only love and compassion towards themselves and others, but also confidence. Confidence in knowing who they are (which requires honesty) and knowing that they are allowed to be who they are (boundaries). I’m simplifying, but that’s the general idea.

    Without healthy boundaries and self-esteem, it’s easy to get lost in other people’s lives and thoughts and actions. We need validation and don’t think that our lives aren’t special enough to get all our attention and energy. Yet our lives are what we live. Everything that I experience happens within my body. The more I pay attention to that, to my boundaries and how important it is for me to take care of myself, the less I become involved in other people’s thoughts and actions. I have even imagined being entangled in other people and things and events with thinstrings, which I have cut with imaginary scissors. I should be focused on what happens within my boundaries. The more I do that, the more I trust myself and the more I trust myself, the more I trust the world and that everything will be OK.

    As a recovering codependent, I know what it’s like to spread yourself thin and feel pther people’s feelings and worry about them and get annoyed when they don’t behave like I want them to. I was completely confused about where I ended and other people begun. It was all me and I was not in control, but I tried to control it all. To find the boundaries, your own voice and being centered is an incredibly wonderful feeling. I still get annoyed by things that other people do, but I’m able to let go of it and get back to myself. I guess if the boundaries aren’t clear it’s not only difficult to let go, but where do you go back to if you have no idea who you are?

    Perhaps this wasn’t terribly clear 🙂 But I do believe that the more you learn about yourself and establish boundaries and hold onto them (the confidence bit), the less you get entangled in other people’s issues.

    in reply to: I just need advice, I'm drowning #51711
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I can give you my non-professional thoughts on it that are based on my personal experience. It may or may not resonate with you. I do understand what it’s like to be obsessed with something and thinking that a relationship would change everything. It is indeed very difficult to let go of those thoughts and to see things from another perspective. It takes time and effort and the moment you think that you’re in the clear and no longer need to pay attention to your thoughts, it can come back. I don’t say that to discourage you, as doing all the work is definitely worth it and improves the quality of life a lot for the rest of your life. I say it so that you’re aware of the trap of going through the motions or thinking that you all of a sudden wake up one morning and the obsession is gone.

    To get better at anything requires practice and that’s the same with thinking and not thinking. Since you’re obsessing, you’ve probably become very good at certain thought patterns that now naturally emerge. You’re at least aware of it, so that’s good. You know that you’re not going to achieve much happiness with those thoughts. If you fight it, you’ll spend more time strenghtening those thoughts. The more you spend time with thought A, the stronger A becomes. So what to do? Consciously steer your thoughts away from A to weaken it. Interrupt the emerging thoughts over and over and over again. Refuse to think about relationships or other people’s relationships. The thoughts will comeback, and every time, you let go of them. You acknowledge, but refuse to have that inner discussion, as it will only lead to problems.

    So my solution is to first try to remove the negative self-talk through constant practice. Then when you gain more peace, you can start to focus on self-love. You probably will already start to feel better about yourself when you stop putting yourself down and comparing yourself to others. It takes a huge amount of energy to keep yourself down, and when that energy is no longer used for that purpose and nobody is holding you down, you might automatically feel energized and good.

    You might not understand now how much power you have over yourself. You’ve just now chosen to use that power to keep yourself from being the much beloved person that you really are. You’ll learn to use that power through practice. Being aware and consciously choosing which thoughts get to occupy your time over and over and over again. You might not be able to think positive right now, so just try to let go of the negative every time it emerges.

    in reply to: I just need advice, I'm drowning #51701
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    It’s been couple of weeks since you last posted about this. What have you tried to do in that time to get over your obsession? Have you taken any literal steps to disengage from those thoughts?

    If you haven’t done anything, then I think you might have a misunderstanding about how to take care of yourself. Asking and getting advice isn’t going to make you feel better just like seeking and getting a relationship will not change how you feel about yourself. Even if you had the perfect man today, who loved you more than anything, it would not help if you did not understand why he loves you. You have to actively choose to treat yourself in ways that will improve your well-being and everything else will follow.

Viewing 15 posts - 316 through 330 (of 360 total)