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The Ruminant

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Viewing 15 posts - 271 through 285 (of 360 total)
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  • in reply to: Platonic intimacy #53429
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Thank you all so much for your thoughts. I was reading this thread again and realized something about myself, which hinders my ability to connect with people: I don’t have enough humility in me when I attempt to connect with others. This actually explain some other things as well, so this is a really wonderful realization for me.

    I have been blessed in the lottery of life and been given plenty of resources. I am also a testament to how useless those things are if you don’t have love in your heart. If you’re filled with fear and doubt, then all the resources only make it even easier to self-destruct in a more spectacular fashion. All the while thinking that you should do better, because you know that you have all the possibilities to do so. Anyway, the love part I understand now. It’s the humility part that I need to pay more attention to.

    There’s a part of me that blocks the connection with others by whispering that “they couldn’t possibly understand you”. In all fairness, it happens a lot that I talk about something and others don’t understand at all. That shouldn’t be a problem, yet I believe my own hype and see myself as some sort of isolated island amongst other people. I may not know anyone else with similar range of interests, but I have the exact same emotional needs as everyone else. I should be able to connect on an emotional level with just about any living being.

    I can feel tremendous amount of love towards someone else, but I can’t accept their love back (which I think is needed to create true intimacy), because I think that they can’t understand me. Like I’m from a different species. I’m not. Obviously. A bit of humility would allow me to see that.

    What this lack of humility also does, which I hadn’t been aware of until now, is that it makes me feel as if my love and kindness isn’t really real. I have a need to help others, and so I do. I also don’t seemingly pass judgement. So I have other people telling me things like “you have such a good heart”, and I feel like an impostor. In a way I shouldn’t, because the actions are not an act. Yet clearly there is still a mismatch with some of my thoughts and what I appear to be. The thoughts of superiority are there, even if I wouldn’t want to admit it. Because I don’t want to admit it, it’s easier to pretend like they don’t exist. But they do, and they are hampering my relationships.

    It’s that damn ego trap that is always going to be there 🙂 A person can be intelligent, kind, beautiful, rich…all kinds of things, and enjoy those blessings. But the moment it becomes part of the identity and a measurement stick, it all goes sour.

    in reply to: How to nice but not look weak? #53428
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I personally do this visualization that has helped me tremendously to remember my own power and to remember not to get too lost in other people.

    Imagine that you’re surrounded by a force field, like some sort of comic book hero. It’s a bit further than your physical body, but not too far away, and it’s powered by you; your focus and your energy. Everything that’s inside that force field is yours. It’s your kingdom and you are allowed to rule it in any way you see fit.

    Everything that’s outside of that field is the rest of the world. That’s not under your control. You may try to control it, but that requires your focus and energy to be spread thin and while you’re doing that, you can’t have a force field to protect you.

    This field is not a brick wall, but a bendy sort of glowing field, and it allows you to interact with others. You can smile at people and receive smiles back. You can even argue with people and be argued with. As long as you remember to use your energy to maintain your autonomy from others and to rule your own kingdom, you don’t have to worry about what is happening in other people’s kingdoms. If they want to quarrel, then remember that the quarreling is happening within their kingdom, not in yours. You can have a peaceful kingdom with a kind king, if you so want. Others will be more attracted to such a place, than a place of war and torment. Still, even when people are attracted, it’s good to remember that they are still the rulers of their own kingdom and not the inhabitants of yours. They can be your neighbors, but not merge into you.

    I really love this sort of visualization, as it really helps me to remember where I end and other people begin, and it helps me to remember that I have an actual human being under my control and protection: me. I can do what ever I want with myself. For a recovering codependent who has always been more worried about other people, it’s a huge discovery and very empowering. You want to feel safe and good? Then create a kingdom where you feel safe and good. Abolish the voices inside that tell you that you’re not good enough and spread joy within. That’s all under your control if you so choose. When you realize this, it also leads to the realization that everyone else has this exact same possibility if they just want it. So you are in the presence of a really grumpy person who’s annoyed about everything? How sad that they have chosen to live like that. Then feel grateful how you’re living within a kingdom that takes care of you. If other people want to feel as good as you do, you can tell them that they can and be supportive, but you are not responsible of their choices.

    in reply to: Platonic intimacy #53328
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Thank you all for responding! I’m going to have to ruminate (eh eh) on this a bit after reading Matt’s response. I’m not dismissing any other responses at all. Just feeling a lot of things and thinking a lot as well at the moment, so I need to process that first.

    in reply to: Platonic intimacy #53327
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Thank you ever so much, Matt, for that lovely post.

    I actually didn’t think at all that my post would reveal any fear on my part, and the purpose of it was kind of genuine wonder about how other people see such connections. However, I’m quite OK with having to look in the mirror 🙂 There is a very good chance that this sort of thing is perfectly normal to others and it’s actually me who finds it confusing. Allow me to explain, if for no other reason then to have some clarity for myself as well.

    My parents weren’t very affectionate nor very good with handling their emotions. I can’t remember ever having a genuine hug from either of them. Only some very awkward ones. I also grew up for some reason to be “tough”. Showing weakness wasn’t acceptable, and like many others, I confused vulnerability with weakness. I didn’t want intimacy in my relationships, because I was scared of it, because I thought it was for weak people and because I honestly didn’t really even know what it is. I make friends and attract people easily, but one can imagine what sort of relationships are built with that kind of mindset. I’ve had to pull back a bit as well, as all the human relationships in my life were completely wearing me out as they were based on an unhealthy mindset.

    Now, I intellectually and even emotionally understand more about love and intimacy. I have felt spiritual unconditional love and “get it”. The problem is that I still haven’t been quite able to put all that into practice so that I would’ve experienced intimacy between two people. I think one problem is that years of unintentional self-abuse, my brain is so full of imprints of hurt and pain that when I try to open up to another person who’s physically present, I automatically shut down. I don’t trust most people to be able to handle my openness (partly also because of my culture) and if I’m already scared and face rejection, I’m afraid that the fear of intimacy just gets worse. I wish that I could find a mature individual, who would be patient and understanding with me, so that I could actually practice what it’s like to be open to another person. Perhaps then my brain would get used to it and understand that it’s not equal to death. I desperately crave to try that, but I haven’t really met people like that. I honestly don’t know if it’s yet again me just not seeing them or what is it. I am also slightly nervous that I might be unknowingly trying to have a connection with someone I would’ve supposed to have with my parents, and such connections aren’t usual between adults. So I really kind of am asking here “is this normal?” 🙂

    I definitely agree that the more I trust myself, the more I can trust others. I think I really just need to practice more and be more meticulous about being mindful and remember my boundaries. I so much want to connect with another person and just have that feeling of joy, and I want it so much that I’m willing to work for it!

    in reply to: Tips to deal with trivial but annoying things? #53209
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    There’s a good possibility that the wife is simply being an extrovert and wants to connect with the person who lives in the same household and help someone who’s far away from home. It is reasonable behavior and sort of cute if you look at it from another perspective. I also understand your point of view and how it can indeed feel like a violation of privacy. So one tip would be feeling compassion towards yourself and the wife. There is no right or wrong in this situation, so it can’t be resolved like that. You are two people having to live under the same roof, trying to understand each others personalities and culture.

    Also, I personally get annoyed by things like that when I’m feeling stressed or low on my self-esteem or losing my boundaries again. When I’m relaxed, feel confident and am certain of my own boundaries, I’m much more compassionate and understanding about all the quirks of other people and accept that they are different.

    The fact that you are in another country might already put a strain on your individuality. You already need to work more on maintaining who you are and not get lose yourself, and losing yourself is what I recognize as the biggest anxiety factor when someone is overstepping my boundaries. That said, if the boundaries aren’t that clear, then the smallest of things might feel like a huge violation. But that’s me. That’s how I feel, and it might be different for you.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 9 months ago by The Ruminant.
    in reply to: Silence is not golden #53208
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I agree with Kelly. This is what I meant with web of illusions: to be so unsure of what’s reasonable and normal, that you start to accept unreasonable behavior. Or think that it’s your fault that he is acting in a certain way, and if only you would change in some way (which is never anything tangible), things would be better. Acceptance or punishment comes on a whim and it’s difficult to predict what will set the other person off, so it’s better to be careful about everything, and when you stray, you’ll blame yourself for causing disturbance. Or you try to find ways to please the other person so that they would for once be happy and accept you and there would be peace, but it never happens, or it happens so sporadically that you never really figure out what caused the perceived happiness, so you keep trying. It is torture and it is ridiculous.

    Look for support groups, local and online. There are others with similar stories and if you can see it from an outsider’s perspective, you’ll see how unreasonable it really is. I have a hard time suggesting any one particular support group, because, well, I don’t know them all and I’m not sure what would be good for you. I’ve gotten help from Al-Anon which is for friends and family of alcoholics (my father was an alcoholic, and I didn’t join because of the alcohol, I joined because I had problems creating healthy relationships). I’ve also gotten help from an online community for victims of narcissists (that no longer exists and is in a different language). But there are several others. I really think you might benefit from seeing the same things play out in other relationships. You can’t right now see clearly your own relationship, because you are in it and you’re stuck in a certain thinking pattern, but seeing and talking to others with similar situations could be very beneficial. We tend to be much more compassionate and understanding towards other people, but deny that from ourselves. So…if someone else was stuck in a similar relationship, what would you say to them?

    in reply to: What programming languages do you know? #53171
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Salimon,

    It helps to have a modular mindset. If you try to make sense of code as a whole, it can become too overwhelming. You need to look at it as smaller parts that make a whole. In general, every small part takes in information, processes it and passes on information. You just have to follow the logic and the process with a flow chart and focus into those small parts one at a time, and you’ll have a program.

    in reply to: Self Defensive Attitudes #53138
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    There is kind of a very simple way to deal with the fears and defensiveness: just take a moment longer to reflect on the situation.

    Let’s say that you meet a person who triggers some fear in you. You can immediately go on the defense and say or do something which makes you feel like you are in control of the situation. In reality though, you’re allowing your fears to take control. The fear will arise, you can’t control that, but you can control how you react to that fear. Another person also doesn’t have control over you, even if you allow them to act according to who they are. Saying hello to someone doesn’t mean anything else than saying hello. Just like listening to another person doesn’t mean that their thoughts have now invaded your body and will take over. Relax, take a deep breath and just pay attention to what is happening. Pay attention to your own boundaries. If someone starts to walk all over your boundaries, you can end it in a peaceful manner. If someone tries to control you, you can simply say “no”. There is no need to lash back at them. But you do need to be aware of your boundaries and have some control over yourself. That is enough. The whole world can erupt into chaos and you can be fine if you maintain peace within your own boundaries. Other people can’t force you to let go of your peace and boundaries. You have the power over that.

    in reply to: Social Media #53137
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Not sure if I’m addicted at the moment. A bit? I do notice that it is detrimental to my health though.

    I was away from Facebook for a long time. I recently went back. At first it was interesting to look at it from another perspective. I had forgotten how people behave there and I viewed it as something weird. Now I can feel being pulled back in and it is causing negative things to me. It sneaks up on you and it’s difficult to pinpoint what exactly it is. I get more restless and I’m more fearful about the future. I’m not sure, but I think it’s because I’m using my brain to “live” this life outside of my own body…tangled with other people and events. There’s this illusion of connection, which doesn’t actually exist, and I’m much more aware of all kinds of horrible events around the world, and there’s nothing I can do about them. I’m in a state of stress, even though nothing horribly stressful is happening in my actual life!

    Also, there’s the need to be understood and to be right, and it turns me into this person I do not like. Last Saturday I was taking a course in watercolor painting and I was supposed to focus on that, yet I was simultaneously having a discussion with someone on Facebook about inequality and it just completely messed up my day. My mind was in that discussion and not in enjoying the learning experience. Not good.

    Yet it’s terribly difficult to just give it up and go do something else. The switch from the abstract into something concrete doesn’t happen that easily for me. My mind is more equipped with processing abstract things than it is just focusing on one thing at a time, the one thing that’s in front of me (and I’m not talking about the computer screen). I know that if I really tried, I could probably change that. You can change the way your brain works…

    Anyway, sorry, I don’t have any advice. I just wanted to share that I’m also noticing the effects of social media, and it’s not very good.

    in reply to: What is love? #53132
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Archie, I came across something this morning I want to share with you. I’m using this thread for that, and I hope it’s OK 🙂 I know you wrote about having a hard time trusting others in another thread, but I can’t remember which one it was!

    Anyway, I found this author, David Richo, some time ago. I, too, have problems similar to yours. I’m used to thinking more than feeling and I get a bit flustered when I’m supposed to open myself up in a romantic situation. It’s awkward for me and I don’t quite understand intimacy. I know why that is and I think it’s kind of unimportant what the reason is, but I know that I have a hard time trusting and opening up. So, I found David Richo’s books and got couple of them for myself. Unfortunately I haven’t had a chance to read them through just yet (I get a lot of books and have them on my “to do” list for ages). However, everything I’ve read thus far has been really interesting. I thought you might like his thoughts as well.

    Here are some quotes from him: http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/186080.David_Richo

    I got his book, “How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving”, because I know that when I get scared of intimacy, I start to act childishly. It’s how I deal with that fear, and I’m aware of it. Or at least, that’s how I’ve dealt with it before. I haven’t attempted to have a relationship now, since it’s more important for me to have a good relationship with myself first. http://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Adult-Relationships-Mindful-ebook/dp/B00HZ374KY/ref=la_B000APU8IO_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1395298157&sr=1-1

    Another one, which might be interesting for you as well, is “Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy”. http://www.amazon.com/Daring-Trust-Opening-Ourselves-Intimacy-ebook/dp/B00HZ374HM/ref=la_B000APU8IO_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1395298157&sr=1-5

    But even if you don’t get the books, I think you might also find something interesting in his quotes and writings that are found online.

    in reply to: Just a logical theory making everything pointless for me. #53128
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    What a beautiful piece of writing, Jack Tom. I really enjoyed that 🙂 Thank you for writing it.

    in reply to: Silence is not golden #53127
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Words definitely do hurt, but we can shield ourselves by choosing not to believe them or take them personally. When someone talks about another person, they unwittingly reveal more about themselves than about the person they are talking about. Try to remember that.

    He is acting childishly. Just because a person is of a particular age and looks like a grown up, it doesn’t mean they have actually matured emotionally. It’s actually scary how common it is for adults to behave like children when they are hurt. Yes, I do think that he is hurt, but it is his responsibility to deal with that hurt, just like it is your responsibility to deal with yours. You both need to step up and realize that what is happening isn’t healthy. He needs to stop acting like a child with a temper tantrum, and you need to stop enabling him.

    So stop taking personally what he says or does and see it as a completely separate thing from you. That way you can get a better perspective on things, a bit of neutrality, which helps you to start healing and enables you to make decisions based on rational thought rather than feelings. I know it’s easier said than done, but it would help you a lot.

    When you can be a bit more neutral and don’t take the attacks personally, you also have time to start healing. I want to say that you definitely need to become more confident, but people tend to misunderstand what confidence means. You don’t have to become an assertive person if that’s not who you are. You can be quiet and confident, knowing that you are a worthy and loved and skilful person with her own precious body, mind, soul and life. You need to appreciate yourself and love yourself. If you don’t, then you’ll fall back into situations like that, where you accept someone else treating you in a bad way, even when you know that it’s not OK and it hurts. You are the only one who can do that. You are the only one who can choose to love yourself and take care of yourself. That choice is made again and again, so even if you tell yourself now that you choose to love yourself, you can’t just leave it at that. You need to keep at it and choose to love yourself for as long as it takes that it starts to come naturally.

    in reply to: Silence is not golden #53104
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I’m sorry you’re finding yourself in such a situation. I’m not sure if I could say that fortunately you’re not alone, as it implies that others are suffering similar situations, but I know that it does help to know that you’re not alone.

    I do think that our childhoods influence what kind of relationships we end up gravitating towards. I do believe that we can have influence over it, but it requires a lot of work and self-awareness.

    I have been in relationships that were borderline abusive. Then after one break-up I for some reason started looking into narcissism and then it just hit me how I had been in relationships with several men who were clearly narcissists/sociopaths. Now, I know that one shouldn’t brand others with such names, since there is no way to prove that it’s the case, but…it helps to have a name of some sort for a phenomenon that is eerily similar in people who are total strangers and from different cultures. I spent some time on an online forum aimed at the victims of narcissists and it did help to realize that all those small things that I had taken to mean that I was a horrible girlfriend were similar in other people’s relationships as well. Small things here and there that constantly kept me down, but I couldn’t explain it to anyone else, and if I tried, I was told that perhaps I was just imagining things. Anyway, it helped me to get some understanding. Also, it helped me to realize that it could’ve been anyone else and those men would’ve treated that someone just as badly as they treated me. I could’ve tried harder and it wouldn’t have changed a thing.

    Now, having said all that, it did take a while for me to realize that I wasn’t completely blameless. Or perhaps I shouldn’t use the word “blame”. We are all more or less the victims of circumstances, even the narcissists. I realized that I was a codependent and after I started looking more into that and discussing with others who were similar to me, I realized that they also had gravitated towards narcissists and very toxic relationships. So to answer your question whether you would’ve left after someone calling you such names…there is a very good chance you would’ve. People with healthy boundaries can’t mesh with those who do not have any boundaries. So in a sense, both of you are contributing to the toxic relationship.

    I don’t know the realities of your situation and how you should try to get out of the relationship. All I can say is to seek support. It was very helpful for me to be surrounded by others who were similar to me just to see things more clearly. After that, I wanted to start surrounding myself with healthy people. I never got much help from seeing a psychiatrist, not only because we didn’t really work that well together, but it didn’t help me with my honesty. I didn’t even realize that I was constantly manipulating everyone around me, as it was my way of surviving. Honesty is extremely important to snap out of the situation and see things more clearly. Like you said, sometimes you feel that you deserve to be treated badly. I know how it can get and there is the fear of the unknown, so it’s very tempting to believe the lies and stay stuck in the web of illusions.

    The healing takes a long time, but I’d say that it’s very important to get to a state where you can see things more clearly and see what is happening and that it’s not a healthy situation. I’m sure that he is in pain as well, as otherwise he wouldn’t be lashing out like that, but it’s just no excuse. You have to turn things around and start to take care of yourself. If he follows suit, great, but you can’t think that you’ll change him. You need to see the reality for what it is and then start to deal with it. It will hurt and it’s not going to be easy, but it’s infinitely better than staying stuck in a situation that’s so very detrimental to everyone involved.

    in reply to: Ex girlfriend becomes best friend #53087
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Thank you for your post, Kelly. I read Isabelle’s last post and actually got hugely triggered by it. I felt physically sick by the thought of someone controlling me or telling me what I can or can not do. Your post alleviated that fear, which is why I’m thanking you.

    Indeed we are all different. I see nothing wrong with friendships between men and women and I personally don’t feel like I need to be everything for one person or him be everything to me. Just like with friendships, I don’t expect certain friends to understand other aspects of my life, so I don’t discuss those with them, and discuss those things with other set of friends. I can understand that someone else feels differently and needs the security of one person.

    I’ve been thinking here what would I do if I encountered someone like that and there was a possibility of a relationship. I think you may very well be right that it just wouldn’t work. Considering the reaction I had, it would make me terribly anxious and unhappy. So it really would be about one person having to be anxious and unhappy and neither could be truly happy and relaxed.

    in reply to: Just a logical theory making everything pointless for me. #53082
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    We can’t even predict the weather, so it’s not very probable that we’d be able to predict the future. Also, quantum physics might disagree with you regarding free will. But let’s assume that determinism is how everything works and we really don’t have any free will. What are you going to do about it?

    I know that I have very little control over anything and so it’s not a huge jump from that to not having any control at all. So what then? Why not just go along with it anyway? Besides, without free will, you don’t have a choice.

Viewing 15 posts - 271 through 285 (of 360 total)