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Silence is not golden

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  • #53098
    caterpillar
    Participant

    I’m feeling so alone, so broken and like no one quite gets my situation. I’ve been married for only a year. We have a beautiful son together. My husband is treating me very horribly. He calls it casualties of war. My heart aches and he won’t even lift his head to greet me when I get home from work. It’s been over a month of not addressing our many issues and I just can’t sweep the problems under the rug anymore. I work and support us, he has been staying home and looking after baby, which I love and appreciate but I need closure on what direction we going to take. I need to know if we are reconciling or if we are split up. I’m so afraid of a messy divorce, with him I can’t even say how I’m feeling without him railroading me. He is always telling me what to do, and pointing out what I do wrong. If baby cries it’s my fault but if baby is happy it’s because of him. He asked me to not put my baby to sleep in his room, I must first do it in the lounge and then take him to bed. I asked why and he said because it’s to true for baby as he sleeps in there. This is just one example. Another is when I promised to not drink caffeine, on holiday our friends were making delicious coffee and I had a little, he ignored me for days. I apologized but that made him more angry. He kicked me out of bed when baby started crying, and when I never went back to bed he started calling me stupid and that he bets my bosses can’t wait till I stick their ….cks in my mouth. I just left it…. What he has said and done to me gets so much worse than that but I don’t have the energy to explain everything. Sometimes I feel that I deserve this. I was sexually abused as a child by my stepdad and this has given me emotional and self esteem issues, I’m asking when is enough enough- how can I begin to heal? I want to respect myself and leave but I still hang on to the thought that things will be better and he will come round. How do I walk away? If I had stable childhood would I still be in this relationship? Or would I left at the word wh…re being thrown at me along with other things?

    #53101
    Kelly
    Participant

    I send hugs to you and hope that someone will respond to your painful situation, as there are so many on here whose words of wisdom and love have helped me and others.

    One thing I would like to suggest is to read the book “How to Break Your Addiction to a Person” by Howard Halprin. I just started reading it myself and it has been eye opening. It talks about our Attachment Hunger and how we cling to those who hurt us. Lots of examining of childhood issues and relationships with our parents.

    Please be well.

    #53104
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I’m sorry you’re finding yourself in such a situation. I’m not sure if I could say that fortunately you’re not alone, as it implies that others are suffering similar situations, but I know that it does help to know that you’re not alone.

    I do think that our childhoods influence what kind of relationships we end up gravitating towards. I do believe that we can have influence over it, but it requires a lot of work and self-awareness.

    I have been in relationships that were borderline abusive. Then after one break-up I for some reason started looking into narcissism and then it just hit me how I had been in relationships with several men who were clearly narcissists/sociopaths. Now, I know that one shouldn’t brand others with such names, since there is no way to prove that it’s the case, but…it helps to have a name of some sort for a phenomenon that is eerily similar in people who are total strangers and from different cultures. I spent some time on an online forum aimed at the victims of narcissists and it did help to realize that all those small things that I had taken to mean that I was a horrible girlfriend were similar in other people’s relationships as well. Small things here and there that constantly kept me down, but I couldn’t explain it to anyone else, and if I tried, I was told that perhaps I was just imagining things. Anyway, it helped me to get some understanding. Also, it helped me to realize that it could’ve been anyone else and those men would’ve treated that someone just as badly as they treated me. I could’ve tried harder and it wouldn’t have changed a thing.

    Now, having said all that, it did take a while for me to realize that I wasn’t completely blameless. Or perhaps I shouldn’t use the word “blame”. We are all more or less the victims of circumstances, even the narcissists. I realized that I was a codependent and after I started looking more into that and discussing with others who were similar to me, I realized that they also had gravitated towards narcissists and very toxic relationships. So to answer your question whether you would’ve left after someone calling you such names…there is a very good chance you would’ve. People with healthy boundaries can’t mesh with those who do not have any boundaries. So in a sense, both of you are contributing to the toxic relationship.

    I don’t know the realities of your situation and how you should try to get out of the relationship. All I can say is to seek support. It was very helpful for me to be surrounded by others who were similar to me just to see things more clearly. After that, I wanted to start surrounding myself with healthy people. I never got much help from seeing a psychiatrist, not only because we didn’t really work that well together, but it didn’t help me with my honesty. I didn’t even realize that I was constantly manipulating everyone around me, as it was my way of surviving. Honesty is extremely important to snap out of the situation and see things more clearly. Like you said, sometimes you feel that you deserve to be treated badly. I know how it can get and there is the fear of the unknown, so it’s very tempting to believe the lies and stay stuck in the web of illusions.

    The healing takes a long time, but I’d say that it’s very important to get to a state where you can see things more clearly and see what is happening and that it’s not a healthy situation. I’m sure that he is in pain as well, as otherwise he wouldn’t be lashing out like that, but it’s just no excuse. You have to turn things around and start to take care of yourself. If he follows suit, great, but you can’t think that you’ll change him. You need to see the reality for what it is and then start to deal with it. It will hurt and it’s not going to be easy, but it’s infinitely better than staying stuck in a situation that’s so very detrimental to everyone involved.

    #53115
    caterpillar
    Participant

    Thank you to Kelly and the ruminant for your kind and loving words of wisdom. That old saying of sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never harm me is so false. Words are damaging but words can be calming and healing as well. It’s the choice of words which is important and the choice to surround yourself with people who share kind or hurtful words. I will do my best to move forward and be happy for me and my son. Everytime I make a little progress and feel like I see things clearly, he hinders it one way or another dragging me back into feelings of despair. I mean, I work, I cook, I go get groceries, I clean. I do everything and he sits on his computer. Everytime he makes tea, he uses a new cup. The tea bags get left on the counter. When he makes food nothing gets put away. He spills on the floor and and won’t clean it up. He uses the toilet and won’t flush, never cleans the bath. He leaves me very busy and when I don’t have work and should spend quality time with my son, I’m being a slave and servant-even flushing his toilet. It’s disgusting and I can’t help but feel it’s all done on purpose. When we run out of milk or sugar he won’t tell me and I have to go out again to get. He changes babies nappies and leaves them on the floor. It’s endless and I hate living like a pig, not to mention that we are renting and the house is up for sale so we have buyers coming to see on the odd occasion with hours notice. Every night I clean and every morning I wake up to a mess in the kitchen. This alone is enough to make me scream and feel like I want to pull my hair out. He will still say to me “I dunno if you have ever cleaned a dish in your life”! Huh??? And says things like “try making a meal that I can stomach” he tells me that I’m the reason he has blood in his stools. It goes on and on and on. I need to end this and soon!

    Thanks again for your support, it helps! It’s time for a drastic change, this caterpillar needs to transform into the butterfly she truly is πŸ™‚

    #53116
    caterpillar
    Participant

    Also, I enjoy creating art and working with my hands in my spare time. My hobby is not flushing toilets and cleaning dishes. I’ll do it but it shouldn’t consume my life! How did you approach your break up?

    #53127
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Words definitely do hurt, but we can shield ourselves by choosing not to believe them or take them personally. When someone talks about another person, they unwittingly reveal more about themselves than about the person they are talking about. Try to remember that.

    He is acting childishly. Just because a person is of a particular age and looks like a grown up, it doesn’t mean they have actually matured emotionally. It’s actually scary how common it is for adults to behave like children when they are hurt. Yes, I do think that he is hurt, but it is his responsibility to deal with that hurt, just like it is your responsibility to deal with yours. You both need to step up and realize that what is happening isn’t healthy. He needs to stop acting like a child with a temper tantrum, and you need to stop enabling him.

    So stop taking personally what he says or does and see it as a completely separate thing from you. That way you can get a better perspective on things, a bit of neutrality, which helps you to start healing and enables you to make decisions based on rational thought rather than feelings. I know it’s easier said than done, but it would help you a lot.

    When you can be a bit more neutral and don’t take the attacks personally, you also have time to start healing. I want to say that you definitely need to become more confident, but people tend to misunderstand what confidence means. You don’t have to become an assertive person if that’s not who you are. You can be quiet and confident, knowing that you are a worthy and loved and skilful person with her own precious body, mind, soul and life. You need to appreciate yourself and love yourself. If you don’t, then you’ll fall back into situations like that, where you accept someone else treating you in a bad way, even when you know that it’s not OK and it hurts. You are the only one who can do that. You are the only one who can choose to love yourself and take care of yourself. That choice is made again and again, so even if you tell yourself now that you choose to love yourself, you can’t just leave it at that. You need to keep at it and choose to love yourself for as long as it takes that it starts to come naturally.

    #53135
    BRUNO
    Participant

    that’s awful and I’m sorry that you should endure something like that. Emotional abuse is as bad or worse than physical abuse- it is said that hurt people hurt people-I just read an article in Yahoo where people have labelled George Clooney in the same fashion with almost the same words!

    I believe that shaming people at a sexual level is extremely abusive and infantile; not all people get to develop attitudes and habits towards matters like this in a normal healthy way and it is a credit to you that you have been able to have a baby!.Once anyone suffers any form of abuse the psychological effects are enduring-I would focus on my child and on his upbringing as a form of healing for both of you.Remember that not only are you suffering as a wife but the child will suffer from a lack of proper parenting from his dad as well and you may have to compensate.This seems all to like the Marlon Brando movie.

    What I do know as well is that it is easy for us to recognise what is wrong and right but that once we get individually into the mechanics of a relationship , those precepts can fall out of the window very easily.What is a healthy exercise is also to keep alive what initially brought you together and encourage the lustre to be renewed each day in a little way.you can be superior in your humility but at the same time you need to keep your boundaries clean and clear.I agree with the Ruminant- a little more emotional maturity will go a long way and you can take the lead in that to improve your current situation.

    I wish you many blessings

    #53155
    Chad
    Participant

    I will play devils advocate here. As I can relate to this but on the other side. I see some of his behavior in myself with how I treated my ex. However, I had no clue what I was actually doing until the smoke cleared from the battlefield and I was able to clearly see what damage my words and actions had done. Sad thing is, the type of person I was acting like is not the type of person I know I am capable of being. Ruminant’s statement “So stop taking personally what he says or does and see it as a completely separate thing from you” I agree with. If his behavior of late seems out of character to that of the man you fell in love with and married. There probably is an explanation for why all of a sudden post baby he is acting this way. I cant speak for him, but for me, something changed in the relationship and I suddenly feared loosing this person. I became very insecure, and my answer to insecurity and anxiety is control and borderline abusive talking. Like you husband, I attempted to control my partner, his attitude and his action to calm my own fears about what they might could mean for us down the road. Instead of treating my ex as an adult and allowing him to come to his own decisions. In hindsight my attempts to control resulted in the complete opposite of what they wanted to achieve. I ended up forcing him to rebel and pull away from me to assert his independence. Never realizing under the surface the damage I was doing not only to him as a person, but his preexisting insecurities, anxiety but to his self esteem.

    I believe marriage is a huge commitment one both parties shouldn’t take lightly. If remember correctly a promise is made between the two of you, “for better or worse.” I feel to stay true to this promise you have an obligation to attempt to reconcile these issues, however keeping in mind who you are dealing with and how you can successfully get through to him. Ultimately you can not control him, his choices or his actions. Or his willingness to be receptive to the issues you are bringing to the table. However, you should know him better than anyone, what makes him tick and where his buttons are. If you bring it to him in a way that shows this understanding, be open, compassionate to what he may be dealing with and going through that is causing this behavior change towards you. I feel you will have a better chance of keeping him open to the exchange and not immediately getting defensive. This was a lesson I learned the hard way.

    At the end of the day, it is on him to heed your words and make the appropriate adjustments and show commitment to you as his partner. Concede that although he may not understand why his actions are hurtful the point is that they are. That should be good enough reason to own them and improve upon them. Again, another lesson I learned the hard way. When its all said any done, and you’ve put him on ample clear notice of your boundaries and expectations of him. If he still refuses to show improvement, than at least when it comes time to make a hard decision you can do so knowing you gave all that you had to make it work. The responsibility lies solely on him.

    Sometimes we get so wrapped up in what is happening TO us we forget, we are not the only ones in the equation. I dont believe people really change, as much as we evolve. The environment we are in, which encompasses many factors, dictates what parts of ourselves become more dominant to survive as the environment changes. I give you much hope and support to be strong for yourself during this trial, and to be strong for your husband and child also.

    #53156
    Chad
    Participant

    However, if this behavior is not out of normal for him. Than you may need to ask yourself what sort of situation you are in and the other advice provided on here may be more what you are seeking.

    #53170
    caterpillar
    Participant

    The only way I know this behavior is not normal for him is because he says that he is like this to me because of me. I am the reason he is this way. Maybe I am. I know I have not done things the best way at times but he is always met my faults with intense severity. I have broken my word to him, I said I would not drink coffee and I did. I out my baby’s shirt on the heater to dry it once and the print burnt a little. I told him that I didn’t know where it was as I was too scared to tell him. So yeah, I have lied to him. No apology, no books, no approach has achieved a happy result. My attempt to reconcile always gets met with intense severity. You guys have really helped with just taking the time to read, and respond to me. It makes a massive difference!

    #53172
    Kelly
    Participant

    Sweetheart, the only person in control of his behavior is HIM. HE and he alone is the reason he is this way, not you. What you’re describing is abuse. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Do you have a support system of loved ones? Family? Friends?

    #53208
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I agree with Kelly. This is what I meant with web of illusions: to be so unsure of what’s reasonable and normal, that you start to accept unreasonable behavior. Or think that it’s your fault that he is acting in a certain way, and if only you would change in some way (which is never anything tangible), things would be better. Acceptance or punishment comes on a whim and it’s difficult to predict what will set the other person off, so it’s better to be careful about everything, and when you stray, you’ll blame yourself for causing disturbance. Or you try to find ways to please the other person so that they would for once be happy and accept you and there would be peace, but it never happens, or it happens so sporadically that you never really figure out what caused the perceived happiness, so you keep trying. It is torture and it is ridiculous.

    Look for support groups, local and online. There are others with similar stories and if you can see it from an outsider’s perspective, you’ll see how unreasonable it really is. I have a hard time suggesting any one particular support group, because, well, I don’t know them all and I’m not sure what would be good for you. I’ve gotten help from Al-Anon which is for friends and family of alcoholics (my father was an alcoholic, and I didn’t join because of the alcohol, I joined because I had problems creating healthy relationships). I’ve also gotten help from an online community for victims of narcissists (that no longer exists and is in a different language). But there are several others. I really think you might benefit from seeing the same things play out in other relationships. You can’t right now see clearly your own relationship, because you are in it and you’re stuck in a certain thinking pattern, but seeing and talking to others with similar situations could be very beneficial. We tend to be much more compassionate and understanding towards other people, but deny that from ourselves. So…if someone else was stuck in a similar relationship, what would you say to them?

    #53228
    Barbara
    Participant

    Dearest Catterpillar
    I logged in the minute i saw your post – as it is so very sad, and you do not deserve this.
    Please do not worry about a messy divorce – as long as you are with him you will be in a messy situation anyway. Unfortunately he is using emotional abuse as his “weapon of warfare” as he put it. How dare he use warfare against you, who has a child with him ? The things you described are NOT ok ! You must gather your resources, and that beautiful baby and try to get some help.
    Can you confide in good friends / trusted family members ?
    You are with a man who has no boundaries, and he for reasons of his own has an inne unhappiness – and is flogging you verbally to make himself feel better.
    Please believe you deserve better. You will be ok – after all yiu haveca job, a baby, and yourself ! Let him deal with his hatred alone !
    Please dear sister, you have been through enough.
    Sending live and kindness
    Let us know how u are doing.

    Barbs.

    #53229
    Barbara
    Participant

    Sorry for the spellings, im sending from a mobile phone πŸ™‚ πŸ˜‰
    Xx

    #53410
    caterpillar
    Participant

    Wow friends, when I read your replies I have to catch my breath as you seem to understand perfectly what I’m going through. I wonder how this can be true, when you are not present. I don’t feel alone anymore! I had been strong for a few days and out of nowhere he came and gave me a kiss on my cheek yesterday. I thought heck, what have I been so crazy about, he loves me, everything is gonna be fine. Then today I showed a little frustration over him taking a shower and me getting to work because of baby. Well he pounced on me like a tiger again. Saying how my people pleasing tendancies won’t work for him and I must get it into my thick skull. I was like oh crap, how can I avoid this now or next time I should just be better and smarter. That brick wall keeps getting built right in my path to walk straight into. Ruminant when you said——- Acceptance or punishment comes on a whim and it’s difficult to predict what will set the other person off, so it’s better to be careful about everything, and when you stray, you’ll blame yourself for causing disturbance. Or you try to find ways to please the other person so that they would for once be happy and accept you and there would be peace, but it never happens, or it happens so sporadically that you never really figure out what caused the perceived happiness, so you keep trying.——- I thought flip, you described what I had just gone through today! How many more days, months or even years do I need to go through this to realize that my self doubt is me not listening to my inner voice. What really should have been a deal breaker was when the day before yesterday he looked my baby in the fAce and said your mother is a stupid fucking cunt. Can I say that on here? I dunno but that is what he said. It’s disgusting.

    I do have loved ones, my sister in particular who is there for me. But I feel like I’m using her, like when it’s bad I’m needing her and then when I’m fine I don’t need her as much. Also I don’t heed her advice so I dunno if she is just getting sick of my problems. If I told her what he said to my son she would be astonished. I feel like telling his mom but know I’d regret it after. He has me living in a state of regret. Constantly regretting my behavior and myself for getting him upset with me again.

    I have been carefully planning an ultimatum. I’ll present it to him once I’ve got it down perfectly. He has a choice to agree or disagree, but if he disagrees then divorce it is. I will post my ultimatum once it’s completed in order to get your feedback, which will be highly appreciated.

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