Hi Anita,

I was the old member, on and off I read people’s stories here. For this account managed i recovered it.

I was wondering: on Nov 1 I suggested that you apologize to your girlfriend for having used her for the duration of two years to fill a void in you, following the breakup of a 4-year previous relationship,  and that (following the ending of the relationship with her) you pay for her to attend individual therapy, so that she can get professional help dealing with having been used this way.

In your answer, you wrote: “It’s a good suggestion from your end. Having relationship therapy together“- is it that you didn’t pay attention to my suggestion because of your ADHD?

I will talk to her prior I get myself fixed. I know time is ticking, I will try not to prolong this. Someday in the future I will update here 🙂

Hi Roberta

I am guessing that your are in your 20’s/30’s.

I agree with Anita about offering to pay for your soon to be ex girlfriends counselling if she wants it.

Then take at least a year out to do some deep work on healing yourself. A fictional book called The Celestian Prophecies gave me insight on relationships and help set me on my path of buddhist enquiry into the human condition.  I have had quite a few relationships, but I can honestly say that I am still on good terms with all off them who are still living bar one.

Act with kindness, integrity compassion &and wisdom then  when you look back over your life in years to come you will have few regrets.

Thanks for suggesting me the meaningful book. You’re right, this healing won’t complete just overnight.  

Hi Tee

I am sorry you’re feeling bad 

After a lot of reading, I finally found myself diagnosed with adult ADHD.

Have you been evaluated by a professional? You did say you would go get a professional evaluation, but I am still asking because it’s not clear from your sentence.

I don’t know much about adult ADHD, but they say it’s highly treatable. Do you have a treatment plan?

Please share whatever you feel like, whatever you’re struggling with. I hope that with a proper treatment and a proper attitude, you will get better!

It’s funny to finally find my inner self, the inner child – Adult ADHD. The pattern, the vicious cycle, those past relationship problems, all can be identical. There is quite abundant info about Adult ADHD out there, you can check out how people suffer from Adult ADHD suffers in relationship.  Regardless, I will have to fixed myself first. This is the cause and effect scenario where one doesn’t know what he is doing but trapped in the endless vicious cycle. Once root cause identified, is easier to resolve it, and the more I understand myself, the more I can take extra care to myself.

Have a nice day ahead everyone!

Dear Anita,

Sorry for the confusion.

It’s a good suggestion from your end. Having relationship therapy together.

Before that, I will have to go through a self assessment session with clinical phycologist to understand more about myself like Tee said.

Reason I created this thread was to gather more opinions or experiences.

I wonder if people out there have the same dilemma like me, If choose to stay then they will remove all the “type thing” and just focus and commit a relationship, or a married relationship.

If choose to leave, pursuing what is right for them, how satisficed and fulfilled  they are.

Just out of my curiosity.

Dear Tee

Well, I think you should first heal the emotional wounds that caused you “severe heartbreak” and “emotional breakdown” after your first girlfriend broke up with you. (I assume she broke up with you, right? Because you were the one who suffered immensely afterwards…)

– You are right. I move to a relationship too fast. I’ve had some read up on other articles, I’m kinda like having a rebound relationship right now. I should have healed myself after the broke up, that way I can move to a relationship more sensibly. Yes, She broke up with me, everything ended amiably.

When we have such a strong reaction, being debilitated by pain (I can’t describe the pain just that I was very vulnerable that time, anything bad happen will trigger my emotional breakdown), it means that your feeling of self-love was very weak or non-existent. And when your girlfriend broke up with you, you probably felt not just unloved but also unlovable.

– Thank you for pointing out. After some times and recollected those days, I was aware of these; weak self love and self worth. You’re absolutely right.

Your girlfriend was maybe meeting some of your emotional needs, and when she left you, you might have suddenly felt like a child all alone in the world, with no one to give him what he needs, no one to take care of him. Does any of this ring true?

You said that after the breakup, you had no one to talk to. Which means that you don’t have a strong support system, consisting of family and friends, and you probably very much depended on your girlfriend to give you what you need. Without her, you might have felt lost.

If any of this rings true, I think your priority should be to heal those emotional wounds, i.e. meet those unmet childhood needs, before you start looking for another partner, or commit to your current girlfriend. I would start working on myself before changing anything in my current relationship.

– It is true. Working on myself is going to be a very painful process. I wanna be firm on my position right now and decide which path I should go. It’s gonna be brutal to myself  🙁

Dear anita

One’s type does not mean a good match, it means that something about the person (one’s type) awakens a feeling in a man, a longing, an excitement… something from long ago, like the way a child feels happy seeing the green grass and sun shining, it all feels so new and exciting. I personally know a man your age whose type has led him to a series of failed relationships, failure after failure, and yet, he keeps searching for his type, ending up alone.

– if the child seeing the green grass and sun shinning, he feels happy, then when he grows up, should he stop seeing the green grass and sun shinning and pursue something else?

I came to the realization that I can’t force myself to love a person no matter how perfect the person is”- but you don’t have to force yourself to appreciate and respect her, do you? I value genuine appreciation and respect way more than I value the automatic, subconscious feelings involved with one’s type.

– What is the linkage between love and appreciate & respect? I do appreciate and respect her and had never mistreated her.

“I don’t understand myself nor who to love“- if a man’s type happens to be a good match, then excellent. If a man’s type happens to be a mismatch, then if a man pursues his type forevermore, he is doomed. If this is the case, better let go of type, and focus on love as deep, genuine appreciation and respect.

– I agreed. a good type comes with years of experience, knowing what you want in the relationship.

Back to the man I know irl: his type is a bossy woman, that’s the type of woman that wakes up his passion, his excitement, his desire.. but he ends up suffering each time. Should he keep going after his type, or should he… consider a woman who is a good match for him: what do you think?

– I know what you are trying to portrayed here. The man you mentioned comes with a very bad prerequisite towards relationship. Just like the old saying, man always likes bad woman, verse versa. As you mentioned early on, a good type comes with a good match, worth to pursue?

“Should I not look into whether she is my type but rather focus on her gf/wifey material, or I have to keep searching?“- if you want to get married and your type is not a wife material. better look for a wife material. And if you found it in your girlfriend, then.. there it is.

– yes i have to agreed, partially. get married with missing pieces? will that missing pieces reappeared or disappeared as i get older?

“I know many of you may tell me to be honest with her“- be honest with yourself: are you willing and able to be faithful to a woman who is a good match for you, even though she is not your type? If you are and you can, don’t tell her that she is not your type- that will hurt her feelings. Tell her that she is your idea or ideal of a wife-material, she would like to hear that very much, I imagine.

– totally agreed with this.

Thanks for the input and really appreciate it. I hope I don’t sound rebellious, I am trying to seek more opinions and views from internet.