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Dear Anita,
We have pretty similar views on world structure and the sense of it all. Which I find very important in a relationship with anyone.
And the second similarity was how he acted. If you have siblings, you probably know this feeling , when you have been raised in one system and field , you have pretty similar thought flow. And so because of it your reactions on something that’s happening are the same. They don’t need to be always the same , but your attention to some things are lead in the same time. I had the same with him. Though we didn’t see each other for years.
yes, when phrase it like not cautious it takes a negative meaning. But for me, this incautiousness was something positive. Because he made me break my walls.
Now I understand that our realities just don’t fit. I am a dreamer and I guess that’s why I didn’t want to give up, because I believe,that,if you find somebody you really like, it may be your chance in a million.
I realize how much energy and time I have put into this Dream. It’s never been a day I have forgotten about what happened. It feels like it was just yesterday, this much I am in it . I remember every detail of the day we met and the day when everything went down. Purely Obsessed. This whole year I’ve tried to runaway from this and put my whole focus on things, that are important for my reality, but never succeeded. It’s placed in the back of my mind.Fully aware of its existence , but brought it to reality only in speaking with my few friends about it and social media. My family haven’t notice this. I am good at hiding this all.
The urge to write him because of his parents comes from the from the thoughts that he may be really alone and can do something bad to himself, that he is desperate and lonely. And because I know his situation I feel responsible for his good.
Its scary how much effort and energy one can put into something that is just an illusion and a feeling. This year was hard by itself but these thoughts were only ruining me. I lived in the reality I’ve made. I spent this year in a new place, I’ve made few friends. But out “love” brought me to some dark places and moments. My mood was always so unstable. It was hard to be honest with others, to start trusting.
I agree with you .He is not in my reality, which I am experiencing now. I want to break free from it…
Yes, due to sickness.
That’s why I can’t just erase him from my life. It just doesn’t feel right.
though i am thinking. If he does still have something for me, and he will acknowledge that, what next?
I am giving so much value to this . But I don’t know whether it is that important in my life at all. I mean, it is, but should it be?
But , as I said, I’ve been trying and trying to do something with myself, nothing really works. I just can’t forget.You know what hit me just now – he has the whole right to doubt me too. He knows me as little as I do him. Looking from this perspective explains some things… When we texted after we broke up , he was really mad. Now I totally get why . He said ” It seems like you just came here, was with me for some time and then went away. Like you used me. You deserve this. ”
That what hit me straight.
I hate it. I didn’t think about it earlier. That he sees me completely different. How strange I was acting , when I couldn’t speak and all that stuff… Wow.
Dear Anita ,
I am almost ready to write him.
Lastly.I think about the consequences. First of all , my parents. Now, that I am older, I am almost independent from them. But making them sad makes me feel bad . Being with him is what my parents don’t want. But I can’t do always what my parents approve , now when I’m grown up.
of course , there are other things I do , what my parents wouldn’t . So I guess, this is just how life works – you can’t make everyone,including your nearest one , happy wth your actions. Their dissaprovence they build on a thought, that genes play the main role in this situation . They mean by that, that if his parents did bad to them , he will probably be the same towards me. With what i can’t agree. Of course, you do be partly like your parents. But , then , you are a whole new individual .
What do you think?
The second thing is , how do I deal with break ups makes me fear. Though it seems to me that it was truly love at least from my side, I fear , that he is almost over it . And when I will write him, he will just laugh at my weakness . Because it is a weakness. When we broke up he hit me with words , which were chosen really accurate to make me feel bad.
But at the same time , i know everyone is flawed , me, you, him. I don’t want a prince on a white horse , I am prepared to be open and to take person the way he is. But only if he understands his mistakes . And he did act this way after. He apologized every time he said something harsh.
It happens, right ?
I feel like a little child, who needs guidance . But at the end , my true feelings and motives will make me do the action. But having your advice is helping me to deal with it.
Thanks.
Dear Anita,
Your are right. The fact that I don’t know the truth , the information i need, keeps me wandering in dark. And I want to know it more than anything, honestly. Months i am thinking about it. But it seems like its only me who’s struggling. And that’s killing me.
And I really can’t say, whether he really loved me. I just had this trust that came from nowhere. It just felt natural, being with him and trusting.
How can I know that he will be honest with me this time? Because I don’t have this natural trust anymore. I am just guessing, wondering.
But somehow i feel like he could be doing the same. We are really similar , the way we think . Maybe that’s why he is not writing me. Because of this confusing mind flow.
But I still want to talk to him . Though i know we cant restore our relationship, because there is no real life communication going there. We are far away. And the only way is the online.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 