Dear Anita,

This is my problem. I am scared that he will not be happy to hear from me. Because he had a really bad times in his life. And I was not around – but i wrote him during this. But writing is not enough. I wish i could be around.

The fact that i already initiated all the time a conversation hurts my pride but i cant get enough – i am constantly thinking about all that . I am locked in a cycle. And I dont know how to end this. Because earlier I thought that by writing him I will end the cycle, but it didn’t. And when I don’t write I feel this urgency to write. Like a damn circle.

I think, i would just ask him how he is doing. Because I am really concerned how is managing…

Asking him about our relationship seems to be not the most important thing.

For me it would be enough to get an honest answer from him whether he is doing ok.

Dear Anita

I feel like the only way i could really break the cycle would be if I will meet him again. Because what I’ve found out , that it’s so easy to be misunderstood via texting. Or even manipulated.    That’s why i don’t want to write him . I don’t trust anymore . But then again, if it is the possible way to break the cycle …

on the other hand , my pride is what really stops me . I’m not used to write man first all the time . Just in case if I Was just one if his flings ,

Dear Anita,

Your are right. The fact that I don’t know the truth , the information i need, keeps me wandering in dark. And I want to know it more than anything, honestly. Months i am thinking about it. But it seems like its only me who’s struggling. And that’s killing me.

And I really can’t say, whether he really loved me. I just had this trust that came from nowhere. It just felt natural, being with him and trusting.

How can I know that he will be honest with me this time? Because I don’t have this natural trust anymore. I am just guessing, wondering.

But somehow i feel like he could be doing the same. We are really similar , the way we think . Maybe that’s why he is not writing me. Because of this confusing mind flow.

But I still want to talk to him . Though i know we cant restore our relationship, because there is no real life communication going there. We are far away. And the only way is the online.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by tidalwave.

Dear Anita ,

I am almost ready to write him.
Lastly.

I think about the consequences. First of all , my parents. Now, that I am older, I am almost independent from them. But making them sad makes me feel bad . Being with him is what my parents don’t want. But I can’t do always what my parents approve , now when I’m grown up.

of  course , there are other things I do , what my parents wouldn’t . So I guess, this is just how life works – you can’t make everyone,including your nearest one , happy wth your actions. Their dissaprovence they build on a thought, that genes play the main role in this situation . They mean by that, that if his parents did bad to them , he will probably be the same towards me.  With what i can’t agree. Of course, you do be partly like your parents. But , then , you are a whole new individual .

What do you think?

The second thing is , how do I deal with break ups makes me fear. Though it seems to me  that it was truly love at least from my side, I fear , that he is almost over it . And when I will write him, he will just laugh at my weakness .  Because it is a weakness. When we broke up he hit me with words , which were chosen really accurate to make me feel bad.

But at the same time , i know everyone is flawed , me, you, him. I don’t want a prince on a white horse , I am prepared to be open and to take person the way he is. But only if he understands his mistakes . And he did act this way after. He apologized every time he said something harsh.

It happens, right ?

I feel like a little child, who needs guidance . But at the end , my true feelings and motives will make me do the action. But having your advice is  helping me to deal with it.

Thanks.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by tidalwave.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by tidalwave.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by tidalwave.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by tidalwave.

Dear Anita,

I actually think it could be different. If I didn’t tell my family.  I didn’t tell them to the moment, when I couldn’t hide it anymore. It was when I came back home too late and was put on a interview  – where were you, with whom did you go etc etc. And so I’ve told them. I regret it.

I never lied to them , even when the things got pretty tough, eg when I said that I am an atheist, and my parents are really religious and conservative.  I always tried to be myself, to not hide what I am and what I believe.
Therefore , standing for my choices wasn’t a big thing for me. And so it was in this situation. I just said how it is, though i hid it for months. And I think it might scared him pretty much. Knowing that my strict dad doesn’t want him.

Stupid from my side?

I messed up. I feel like maybe I hurt him too much.

He thought he has found something nice in his hard life. A person, who will always be by his side . And it turned out to be as ordinary as always. Nothing special . We were so close to start something beautiful, but it was cut.

I guess, I can’t always be honest with everyone.

His life was full of struggles.  His family  moved into another town. His parents got very sick. He needed to work hard in house building. After we broke up , his parents passed away.

That was the reason i wrote him after long time of nothing.