Winter came and went, but the love didn't

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This topic has 77 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.

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June 11, 2018 at 11:12 am #212083

Anonymous
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Dear Tidea Janaromi:

Both his parents passed away, unexpectedly? Were they sick or very old?

I will be away next for fifteen hours or so, hope to read more from you when I am back (my questions and anything else you want to share, anything relevant)

anita

June 11, 2018 at 12:09 pm #212085
tidalwave
Participant
Yes, due to sickness.

That’s why I can’t just erase him from my life. It just doesn’t feel right.

though i am thinking. If he does still have something for me, and he will acknowledge that, what next?

I am giving so much value to this . But I don’t know whether it is that important in my life at all. I mean, it is, but should it be?
But , as I said, I’ve been trying and trying to do something with myself, nothing really works. I just can’t forget.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by tidalwave.
June 12, 2018 at 1:44 am #212135

Anonymous
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Dear Tidea Janamori:

Because you tried and tried “to do something with myself, nothing really works. I just can’t forget.”- better contact him and ask him honestly and directly what you need to know. Express to him honestly and directly what you feel, what you want and ask him.

You have been thinking about him so much and for so very long, better bring reality to it. Better invite reality to it. Then face it.

You mentioned sending him a message, communicating with him. What is happening with that thought?

anita

June 12, 2018 at 2:02 am #212139

tidalwave
Participant

I’m doubting it.

Because at one moment I just realized how strange it all was. My behavior . I never tried to look from his perspective . I had feelings going on and didn’t really express them at all. I never said how I love him. Only once I said that I really liked him after he asked me to do so, because as I wrote before , when I met him I had this numb feeling.

Right now I get why he could be so direct and sometimes harsh with his words. Because he jut didn’t know what was going on in my head . Oh I course I knew that I loved him, I knew that I’m neither using him nor trying to play with his feelings. But I didn’t say that . And now he probably has moved on because he thought “ this girl was weird “ .

This is why I feel like when I’ll try to write him he will not be happy .

June 12, 2018 at 2:22 am #212149

Anonymous
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Dear Tidea Janamori:

Reads to me that you are indeed stuck today just like you have been stuck for a long, long time, in this .. almost obsession, a preoccupation which takes place in your brain with nothing that is going on in reality.

Reads like an obsession, to me, at this point. Nothing but an obsession. Again, nothing is happening in reality and it doesn’t seem like anything is going to happen.

What do you think?

anita

June 12, 2018 at 6:59 am #212205

tidalwave
Participant

I can agree with you. It is an obsession. But we had reality when we were together these few days and weeks of writing.

And I know why. He has characteristics which are perfect to me. I never met a guy like him.

What should I do then? Because obviously, it is not healthy at all.

June 12, 2018 at 7:30 am #212211

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Tidea Janamori:

I understand: you had reality with him that was very meaningful to you. It is no longer a reality that is in your life, only in your brain, memories and lots of thoughts, assumptions, thoughts and feelings.

What to do? If you don’t contact him then accept it best you can as something that happened and is no longer happening. Accept it best you can, that it is part of your past, not the present and not the future. And then, open your mind and heart bit by bit to your life in the present, right where you are, this very moment.

There may be something to pay attention to this very day, something you didn’t pay attention to for a long time.

anita

June 12, 2018 at 12:15 pm #212245
tidalwave
Participant
Now I understand that our realities just don’t fit. I am a dreamer and I guess that’s why I didn’t want to give up, because I believe,that,if you find somebody you really like, it may be your chance in a million.

I realize how much energy and time I have put into this Dream. It’s never been a day I have forgotten about what happened. It feels like it was just yesterday, this much I am in it . I remember every detail of the day we met and the day when everything went down. Purely Obsessed. This whole year I’ve tried to runaway from this and put my whole focus on things, that are important for my reality, but never succeeded. It’s placed in the back of my mind.Fully aware of its existence , but brought it to reality only in speaking with my few friends about it and social media. My family haven’t notice this. I am good at hiding this all.

The urge to write him because of his parents comes from the from the thoughts that he may be really alone and can do something bad to himself, that he is desperate and lonely. And because I know his situation I feel responsible for his good.

Its scary how much effort and energy one can put into something that is just an illusion and a feeling. This year was hard by itself but these thoughts were only ruining me. I lived in the reality I’ve made. I spent this year in a new place, I’ve made few friends. But out “love” brought me to some dark places and moments. My mood was always so unstable. It was hard to be honest with others, to start trusting.

I agree with you .He is not in my reality, which I am experiencing now. I want to break free from it…
- This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by tidalwave.
June 12, 2018 at 12:27 pm #212253

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Tidea Janamori:

I need to be away from the computer for about 14 hours. I will read your recent post (and any post you may want to add to it) when I return. I will reply to you then.

anita

June 13, 2018 at 1:53 am #212281

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Tidea Janamori:

You expressed yourself so well in this recent post, an insightful and profound post.

You wrote: “I am a dreamer.. Purely Obsessed.. I’ve tried to.. focus on ..my reality, but never succeeded.. It’s scary how much effort and energy one can put into.. an illusion and a feeling.”

I think that lots and lots of people, maybe even most people, who are in relationships that happen in reality, that is, they are interacting daily, in person, living with their partner, are also putting a lot of effort and energy into an illusion, a feeling, imagining things are different then they are, imagining the person they are with is different from who he or she is.

Back to you, I think that there is a desire in you that is very intense, that your reality didn’t and doesn’t satisfy it, so you have lived in this Dream, Illusion, Obsession in effort to satisfy this desire.

You wrote that what fueled your urge to write him were “the thoughts that he may be really alone and can do something bad to himself, that he is desperate and lonely. And because I know his situation I feel responsible for his good.”

I am thinking that you were and still are “really alone… desperate and lonely”, that your intense desire is to no longer be alone, desperate and lonely, to be loved, that is, truly loved, in a loving relationship with a man. And so, you may have very well projected your reality into his, imagining he is really alone and desperate while it is you who is really alone and desperate.

What do you think?

anita

June 13, 2018 at 2:23 pm #212367

tidalwave
Participant

Dear Anita

I have loneliness’ issue in my life. Growing up, I never tried to be socially acceptable, because following my beliefs is more important to me, than making friends. I always been different and I never have been scared of showing it. But it was hard for me always to build strong relationships. Its not a problem for me to meet new people,but it is when it is about making friends. I have few friends. But somehow it was really rare for me to become friends with people who interest me. With time it became much better, so I can’t say that I am struggling now with this issue.

But I agree with you about you saying , that I had unfulfilled desire in me – love. Namely, mutual love to person , who is exciting and intelligent. And it was my first relationship , when it was mutual sympathy. Earlier I had crushes on guys, guys had crushes on me, but it never have been mutual . And I believe that only mutual feelings can make a relationship strong…

So when I met him and realized that we both like each other, I got pretty excited. It was an amazing feeling.

It would be a lie, If I said this relationship didn’t have a motive of my selfish desire to experience love. I was really curious how it works.

My life is not simple just like everybody’s. Not more not less. But everyday I try as everyone does. Feeling responsible for his good and thinking about his life now I see more as a care about an old friend. Because he was so open to me about his situation and problems, I developed strong empathy to him and care. At least this is how I see it.

June 14, 2018 at 3:40 am #212413

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Tidea Janamori:

I have two questions based on your recent post, (answer if you would like to, of course, as always)

1. “Because he was so open to me about his situation and problems, I developed strong empathy to him”- was it the first time that a person opened up to you the way he did and if so what was it about his way of opening up to you that was so different?

2. “following my beliefs is more important to me, than making friends”- what are these beliefs you are referring to?

anita

June 14, 2018 at 5:19 am #212431

tidalwave
Participant

Dear Anita,

#1

I have few close friends, with who we can speak very open. But I think with most of there is this wall , that held from showing our vulnerability. So I felt, like they were not saying all the details. But when he was talking , I didn’t see that wall. He was extremely open about his problems, telling me really personal stuff. He was like an open book. And I am different. When I talk with others, I try to have everything in control. I am honest too, but I don’t say everything whats on my mind. And I find it actually not bad, but sometimes it becomes hard to express myself. And because I didn’t feel any opposing strength from his side, I tried to be with him as open as possible. But it was really hard for me. I told him my deepest thoughts . And went from feeling numb to naked.

#2

By “following my beliefs is more important to me, than making friends”- i mean, that If I am in a place, where people have other values in life than me, I can stand by myself too. For values I mean what they are doing in life, what friendship means for them , how they build relationships etc etc. Because I was in this situations too many times. I can say that I often felt like a black sheep. I am not saying that I was bullied or something. I am not influenced my others views on my views. I just was always different.

June 14, 2018 at 5:35 am #212435

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Tidea Janamori:

Reads like you are very cautious and he was not cautious with you. In turn you were way less cautious with him than you were with others. That made the experience with him very different and very special.

And yet, this relationship was very short and is over now.

anita

June 14, 2018 at 11:21 am #212489

tidalwave
Participant

Well, you are right. He was not cautious with me at all. Not cautious seems like a negative open from your perspective. But it wasn’t not negative at all.

Not only this made the experience with him special. I feel like he was just really similar to me, though we didn’t met before.
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