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Tineoidea

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  • August 20, 2021 at 11:09 am in reply to: Help me make sense of this. #385065
    Tineoidea
    Participant

    Ultimately I choose her, as everything has been open, honest and pleasant in between us from the start. With no signs of unhealthy behavior. Likewise the prospect of spending our lives together, having a family was strong and with solid foundations.

    I voiced this to her, that as long as they two remain together, she will continue to demonize and push me away due to that hatred against me he’s injecting into her, and he will block all thoughts about a reconcilliation with me because he believes that I’m harmful to her and just want to separate them. Her response was to push me further away.

    He should stay a memory. Perhaps after years and down the road he may realize his own mistakes and become open. I don’t see that right now or anytime soon though and so I’d rather we went our own ways.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Tineoidea.
    August 20, 2021 at 10:46 am in reply to: Help me make sense of this. #385063
    Tineoidea
    Participant

    Thank you for the insight, this is similar to what I and my friends came with.

    Now I just don’t know what to do about it, if anything. I’m severely pained by losing both a friend and my lover whom I intended to spend the life with. The betrayals went really deep.

    Yet I still worry about her, and she herself voiced that he does come off as possessive at times when they started talking. What could I even do in such a situation? Should I leave them alone and hope it ends sooner than later? Should I try to remain close to her as a counter force?

    When it comes to him, and despite the vile treatment he subjected me to in the end, I can’t stop thinking that things could have gone a different way. The fact that he chose to invalidate all our years together and blame all he ever did on me, was a very painful blow. Despite everything, I still cherish the memories we created together.

    August 20, 2021 at 10:01 am in reply to: Help me make sense of this. #385058
    Tineoidea
    Participant

    – I can’t put together, in my mind, these two things: “always been somewhat rocky”, and “we got along pretty well” unless.. perhaps you enjoyed his possessiveness, or you enjoyed the rocky nature of the relationship with him (?)

    I wouldn’t say yes to either, we connected on other levels and those were flaws I was willing to overlook.

    -but it didn’t die off a long time ago: M was trying so hard to separate you from W most recently because of his romantic interest in you still, don’t you think?

    According to his words and actions, it did. I don’t think that’s an issue on the list here. To him the issue was that she was “replacing” him as my closest friend.

    -why didn’t you want to lose a possessive man who was trying hard to separate you from your girlfriend?

    Precisely because of our long history together. It’s not like he was absolutely awful, and I wanted to believe.

    -there is some unclear (to me) connection between you and M, and the two of you together, through that connection, betrayed W- that’s my feel for what happened, at this point.

    I’d say it boils down to the image of me he presented to her and the way he described the conflict. For some reason she chose to fully believe him and disregard all the struggles he caused to me and her, disregard the me she knew inside out. She began to assume a lot of things about my relationship with him, to blame me for things in between us she definitely has no idea about, to assume what I and he felt and what we didn’t, and so on.

    She did mention feeling an unexplainable attraction and empathy towards him, and I didn’t think it could possibly lead to any of this.

     

     

     

    August 20, 2021 at 8:55 am in reply to: Help me make sense of this. #385052
    Tineoidea
    Participant

    – I need to pause on retelling your story and ask you: can you elaborate on your relationship with M, the history of the relationship (sounds like it was very close, perhaps romantic)?

    He’s been a close friend of mine for a very long time, although things have always been somewhat rocky in between us and I’ve had to fend off his possessiveness. Nevertheless we got along pretty well. There wasn’t anything romantic in between us for over a decade but there may have been something on his side during the first years, although it was never reciprocated and so it died off quickly.

    -My question is: while W was abused by M, why did you not do all that you could to prevent him from abusing her, including ending all contact with M?

    Oh, but I did. At first she kept objecting to me just cutting him off outright as she didn’t want me to lose a lifelong friend, so I tried to make things work. Like I said, when I saw that things were going nowhere, direct action was taken.

    -Another pause to ask: how did you cut him off her, and why did you not cut him off you?

    I removed him from the spheres where they could see each other and interact. I took the fight to our internal front because I myself didn’t want to lose a lifelong friend and thought that he’d come to reason. During this period we have spent some time “going back to our roots” so to say, doing together activities we used to. I thought this would help him soften up and come to terms but ultimately he just took comfort in that arrangement and being able to spend time with me again. It went nowhere in the end and so I had to cut him off.

    I must say again that she kept trying to contact him even during that period, against her own judgement and my advice and always came back bruised. Likewise she contacted him again after I had cut him off as she “felt a lot of empathy towards him”. This isn’t only about our romantic relationship, she betrayed me as a close friend as well.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

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