Anita….I found a writing from you a long time ago.  I hope you don’t mind if I share it.

“The scientific explanation would be that when you are traumatized in childhood, when you are really, really scared and there is nobody to comfort you, and maybe you are scared a lot of the time, that fear STICKS to your brain in the form of connections between brain cells, neurons. That fear is activated during your life even though you are not in the childhood situation any more. It gets activated AS IF the danger still exists, seeing danger where there is not, and seeing way more danger in situations that are not very dangerous. Someone getting angry at you seems dangerous but it is often not dangerous, for example.

This kind of activation and reactivity is what is called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The trauma of the past keeps getting re-activated, somehow, through healing, you relax those pathways and remove the trauma from the present
to the past.  Once the memories of the trauma, the emotional memory of the trauma moves locations in the brain, from the Present to the Past, you stop being afraid in the present for what happened in the past.”

I don’t know how old I was at the time, I feel like I was 5 or 6.  My dad had come home and I was in trouble for something.  I knew he was coming for me so I ran to my room and hid under my bed.  I remember trying to be quiet and his legs and shoes is all I could see.  He was very mad at the time.  I could feel his anger in the room.  I had a large toy on the ground and he kicked it and it flew against the wall.  I don’t remember being caught or dragged out after that.  I do remember times where I was in trouble and he had a beat red face and would lower himself to get in my face and start jabbing his finger into my chest.  I remember seeing the anger in his eyes.  It scared me when I was a kid.

I don’t know if this could be causing me problems in the present but I do know that when I was young I was scared of my dad’s anger.  The change of his complexion, the look in his eyes, everything about it scared me.

Zoe, thank you for responding.  What you wrote is a perfect description of what I go through.  I freeze up when the anger has gotten to its highest point.  I couldn’t say anything when this happened.  It was written all over my face that I was angry but I couldn’t say anything.  I couldn’t have written the way I feel better than you.  And even after the anger has subsided I go through the exact process that you mentioned where I lose momentum and go home to my safe zone.  It is painful to even think of how inept I am at being a regular person and dealing with issues like most people do.  I usually wait until I have calmed down and try and express my feelings and she always gets defensive and makes me feel like I don’t have a reason to be hurt.  I care about her feelings and show her respect when she is telling me something that is bothering her, but I don’t feel the same back to me.

Marnie, thank you for responding also.  I will try to set boundaries like you suggested and see if that helps out.  I understand that it is not going to work perfect every time but I think it could help.