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I know I have to let go, but I struggling with it, it is out of anger

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 18 total)
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  • #198061
    Yashoda
    Participant

    If you asked my 5 years ago if i was happy, I would have answered an emphatic YES. I just reconnected with a high school friend and things were moving from friendship into relationship status at least I thought so. It was a long distance relationship so most of the relationship was based on telephonic conversations, whts app etc. We seemed to gel so effortlessly, I though i found my soulmate. we talked for hours, everyday and made each other laugh. Three months into the relationship I asked y he didn’t want to come over in person to see me or maybe i could come to see him, after all we were geographically in the same location but travelling to see each other was easy enough. I always got answers like “I’m always busy working most weekends” and  it would be awkward if I came to visit because his niece was living with him. I always asked why he didn’t want me to meet his family of him to meet mine and he said it was because he was a very private person, being a private person myself I understood and carried on living in this false happiness until the day he told me he just found out he had a child. I was devastated because i wanted us to have a family. He told me that his ex hid the child from me and he only found out because now she needed financial support from him because she lost her job in another city. I stupidly believed him, he seemed so distraught over this and the thought that he was lying to me never once crossed my mind. He told me he was moving his ex and his child in with him because they didn’t have any place to go. Even though i was going through hell i was actually proud of him for accepting responsibility and taking care of his child. I was not happy about them living wit him so i suggested he get a flat for them and then work out visitation with his ex, By this time we were already taking about us getting married and having a family and i said that i would accept his child into our family. We had constant arguments because i wanted to be introduced to the ex, so we could start working things out but he always had some excuse as to why this wasn’t going to happen. This continued for the next 9 months until I found out that he was lying to me all this time. He was living with this woman for the past 9 years and he was there for the birth of his child, he was still living with them like they were a family whilst he was seeing me. When i confronted him he said that he wanted to be with me, he wanted to have a family with me. I was so angry, hurt and betrayed that he could d this to me. I exposed him to the mother of his child and his family. I trusted this man but he let me down. He kept sending me messages that he loved me, that he wanted to be with me, that he wanted to have a family with me. After a while I started talking to him again but I always had this rage in me for what he had done. Although things were over between his ex and he moved out, he never made me feel a part of his life. For the past 2 years and 3 months we talk to each other for a while until I tell him off about what he did and then we don’t speak and then we speak again. We are going round in this vicious circle. I will never be able to forgive him for hurting me in this way and i am so angry with him but a part of me still loves him and that’s why i talk to him again. I know for me to be able to move on i have to let go completely but I’m struggling with letting go of him. I drive myself crazy thinking about what he is doing with his ex and his child, how she is a part of his family and I am not. I need to let go, I have to let go. Am i crazy for still loving a man that hurt me so much over and over again. Sometimes i want him to hurt and feel what i feel but at other times i want him to be happy. Why cant i let go, why cant i forget, why cant i forgive?

     

    #199223
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Yeshoda:

    Somehow, it seems that I missed your thread until this morning. Currently, is he living with his child and the mother of his child? Or should I ask, is there a way for you to know if he is and if he is on an ongoing physically intimate relationship with the mother of his child?

    anita

    #199229
    Peter
    Participant

    Why cant i let go, why cant i forget, why cant i forgive?

    We can’t let go when we attach our sense of self with our memories and emotions. Instead of feeling our emotions we become our emotions. To let go would then be letting go of our sense of self which feels like dying and so we grasp and cling and hold onto our pain. We also hold onto our pain because a subconscious part of ourselves hopes that as long as we hurt we are hurting the one that hurt us.  We do not forgive because we do not understand forgiveness.

    We suffer because a part of us wants to suffer.

    #199887
    Yashoda
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Sorry for the late reply.

    He moved out of the apartment he shared with the mother of his child into another apartment that is 5 mins away from  theirs. He goes to see his child straight after work every day at the their apartment. Whenever he is with his child, the mother is always there. He takes the mother along with him to all family gatherings. He has never made any effort to be able to do things with his child alone.

    Yashoda

    #199891
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Yashoda:

    In your original post you wrote: “I stupidly believed him… the thought that he was lying to me never once crossed my mind.”

    And then the thought did cross your mind, and my mind as I read your post. Now that it has crossed my mind I don’t know if it is true that he moved out of the apartment he shared with his child’s mother. This is what he told you, correct? Without evidence, how would you know it is true…

    anita

    #199991
    Yashoda
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    You are right, I can’t believe anything he tells me ever again. I tried to trust him again but I can’t. That’s y I’m so upset that y would I still think about him, think about the times we shared, think about what he is doing, y am I giving him my heart when he lied and cheated on me. I want to move on, I want to forget everything that happend.

    Yashoda

    #199995
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Yeshoda:

    Your last sentence in your recent post: “I want to forget everything that happened”.  I don’t think we can forget bad experiences. They get glued to our brain. The logic of it, of the brain remembering bad experiences, is to see to it that they don’t happen again.

    You are angry at him and you love him all at the same time (you shared in your original post). You love him sometimes because you still hope, sometimes. And you are angry at him because he lied to you, for so long.

    The hope you still have at times, will you tell me about this hope?

    anita

     

    #229823
    Yashoda
    Participant

    I guess this hope is hope that I’m clinging onto, the hope that I had for sharing my life with someone, the hope of having children, the hope of having a family of my own, people that I knew I could count on. Is there something wrong  with me that even after this man hurt me so much I still think he loves me. There had to be something wrong with me to still think that this man will make me happy. I am so mad at my self that I am so desperate that I am prepared to still talk to this man, to still think about this man. He makes no time for me and yet I give him my time. What is wrong with me, what is wrong with me. I hold on because I think that no one else will even look my way and then for sure I will never have a chance at happiness. What is wrong with me. Why don’t I have any self respect left. I hate myself for behaving like this

    #229827
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Yeshoda:

    I will read your most recent post when I am back to the computer, in about sixteen hours. I will reply to you then. I hope other members will reply before I am back.

    anita

    #229869
    Tom
    Participant

    Yashoda, there is hope in finding someone else who has respect for you and does not lie to you.  There are others who are single who will look your way.  There are too many people on this planet not to look your way.  I understand your fears though.  I left a relationship where I felt like I was not being treated with respect and it has been the most challenging thing for me to move on from.  I think to myself that I will never find anyone like her.  Why did I leave?  It wasn’t that bad.  She treated me the worst that anyone has ever treated me and I still want to be with her.  The good thing is that you can regain your self respect by not talking to him ever again and making your self happy.  I struggle with this everyday but I do have hope that one day I will meet someone who respects me and I know you will too as long as you say good bye to this guy.

    #229887
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Tom, how are you getting on? You seem to have the right attitude but are still struggling, do you feel you are getting through it?

    Yahosda, it all sounds quite complicated and unclear. Perhaps at this stage it might be best to try and take some time for you to figure things out, with no interference from him. To just be.

     

    #229923
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Yashoda:

    “Is there something wrong with me that even after this man hurt me so much I still think he loves me… still think this man will make me happy…still talk to this man, to still think about this man”-

    What is wrong is that you still need love in your life. Your need didn’t change after you found out he lied to you, this is why you still feel love for him, still talk to him, still think about him.

    It is similar to  this: a very hungry person, one feeling starved for food. There is no food around other than an old piece of bread, somewhat molded, so the person eats it, maybe removes the most moldy part and eats the rest.  You are hungry for love and there is no one else in your life but this man. So you love him because that is no other source of love and he is the closest.

    What do you think/feel?

    anita

    #229989
    Yashoda
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I know I need love , I’m always the person that everyone relies on to support them but unfortunately I am alone. I have family but I have never felt that I could truly open up to then because I know they can never keep what I say private. I just so wanted to find someone that I felt safe with, that loved me for me. I am so lonely and sad and lost. I’ve been on my own for the last 18 years. I’m just tired.

    Yashoda

    #230005
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Yeshoda:

    “I have family but I have never felt that I could truly open up to them because I know they can never keep what I say private”- I can relate to this.

    When our parents don’t respect us, don’t value us, that means they don’t love us. This  is how we get to starve for love, to feel “so lonely and sad and lost”. I felt this way most of my life. Sometimes I still do. But not like before. Because along the way,  I finally found love, someone to respect me and value me.

    You can too, you can find that too, but not in the same people that haven’t valued you so far.  It has to be someone new to you.

    anita

    #230165
    Yashoda
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I wish I would find new people to fill my life but Where do I find this new someone. I don’t even know where to begin. I have been so busy taking care of others and their needs that I’ve put my life on the back burner. I work most of the time because I have to make sure that I can support people, where do I start to reintegrate into society again.

    Yashoda

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 18 total)

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