If you asked my 5 years ago if i was happy, I would have answered an emphatic YES. I just reconnected with a high school friend and things were moving from friendship into relationship status at least I thought so. It was a long distance relationship so most of the relationship was based on telephonic conversations, whts app etc. We seemed to gel so effortlessly, I though i found my soulmate. we talked for hours, everyday and made each other laugh. Three months into the relationship I asked y he didn’t want to come over in person to see me or maybe i could come to see him, after all we were geographically in the same location but travelling to see each other was easy enough. I always got answers like “I’m always busy working most weekends” and  it would be awkward if I came to visit because his niece was living with him. I always asked why he didn’t want me to meet his family of him to meet mine and he said it was because he was a very private person, being a private person myself I understood and carried on living in this false happiness until the day he told me he just found out he had a child. I was devastated because i wanted us to have a family. He told me that his ex hid the child from me and he only found out because now she needed financial support from him because she lost her job in another city. I stupidly believed him, he seemed so distraught over this and the thought that he was lying to me never once crossed my mind. He told me he was moving his ex and his child in with him because they didn’t have any place to go. Even though i was going through hell i was actually proud of him for accepting responsibility and taking care of his child. I was not happy about them living wit him so i suggested he get a flat for them and then work out visitation with his ex, By this time we were already taking about us getting married and having a family and i said that i would accept his child into our family. We had constant arguments because i wanted to be introduced to the ex, so we could start working things out but he always had some excuse as to why this wasn’t going to happen. This continued for the next 9 months until I found out that he was lying to me all this time. He was living with this woman for the past 9 years and he was there for the birth of his child, he was still living with them like they were a family whilst he was seeing me. When i confronted him he said that he wanted to be with me, he wanted to have a family with me. I was so angry, hurt and betrayed that he could d this to me. I exposed him to the mother of his child and his family. I trusted this man but he let me down. He kept sending me messages that he loved me, that he wanted to be with me, that he wanted to have a family with me. After a while I started talking to him again but I always had this rage in me for what he had done. Although things were over between his ex and he moved out, he never made me feel a part of his life. For the past 2 years and 3 months we talk to each other for a while until I tell him off about what he did and then we don’t speak and then we speak again. We are going round in this vicious circle. I will never be able to forgive him for hurting me in this way and i am so angry with him but a part of me still loves him and that’s why i talk to him again. I know for me to be able to move on i have to let go completely but I’m struggling with letting go of him. I drive myself crazy thinking about what he is doing with his ex and his child, how she is a part of his family and I am not. I need to let go, I have to let go. Am i crazy for still loving a man that hurt me so much over and over again. Sometimes i want him to hurt and feel what i feel but at other times i want him to be happy. Why cant i let go, why cant i forget, why cant i forgive?