Dear All –

I think I learned something important today, as I was able to return to ministry for the first time in two weeks. I have been in a liminal space since my wife died, one that has many factors – a child with two years left before university (who happens to excel academically), job insecurity, and my decision to take the next step in ministry. My contract expires the same year my child goes to university, and there is no guarantee that they will renew it, even though continuation is usually pro forma. So I had already experienced some radical changes, and more routine ones are coming.

I think all of this is the cause of the fear. Its not just a matter of being alone – I also have some financial insecurity.

I have been seeing the year my child leaves for university as a possible opening to make my own change – to move to the retirement home, or to the metropolitan area close to it. This will be the first major thing I have done alone since for over 30 years – maybe that is an added ingredient to the fear. (What happens if I don’t like it?). The decision to move forward in ministry is a good example. I knew that my religious community demanded celibacy, so I tried dating to see how it would go. I knew that there would be no chance to go in reverse if I decided to take on ministry, unless I risked being released permanently from my order. One of the lessons I seemed to learn during that time was that ministry was really important to me – more so than having a new partner. So, I stepped into that space, and figured that I would have second thoughts and some buyer’s remorse. That has happened, but it’s not nearly enough to cause me to really consider leaving the ministry. Right now, it is about the only thing I look forward to. The year-plus of celibacy has not been easy, but it is okay most of the time (not all). And I seem to be learning how to deal with it when it is not okay, when I miss having a partner who is also a lover.

Maybe the most concise way to express it is to say that I fear that the changes that are coming – some of which I am actively anticipating and even creating – will disappoint me, and that I won’t be able to handle them.

If I opt to go to the retirement home, I do have neighbors on my street, and I know two households quite well and get along with them. I would call one of the households friends, though we only see each other when I travel there. They were heartbroken when my wife died – they attended the funeral, cried throughout, and have been super supportive of me.

Today was a good day because resuming ministry energized me and gave me some courage to keep working towards taking steps that are for me and my life.

Roberta, I think you’re spot-on about ministers. I have discussed a similar issue with my counselor. He has pointed out that it has been my duty and task to take care of others for many years now, and to act in ways that pleased them. he has gently urged me to learn how to please myself. It sounds so easy, but it’s the hardest thing in the world to do, for some reason. Maybe unlearning habits is super hard.

Thanks for sending me good energy and prayers. much love to you all.

Omyk

Dear Alessa –

Thank you for your kindness.

My friend who made the comment doesn’t live near me. I have seen him once in the last eight years, when I took my first vacation after my wife died. I stayed with him and his wife for a few days, they are about 25 years older than me. We communicate almost exclusively over e-mail. He has never been here or to my other home, though I have invited him, so he doesn’t really know the landscape.

My fear is based on how long I can keep my spirits elevated in a rather lonely life. So all can really do is live one day at a time. Tonight was an evening I normally look forward to, of ministry in my community, but I was unable to do it because of obligations driving my child to and from a performance.

With gratitude –

Omyk

I am grateful for the opportunity to share my thoughts and life path here. Thanks to all of you!

Omyk

Dear Anita –

Thank you for following through on your promise to respond within 20 hours. That’s impressive! I’m able to deliver on a similar promise to students, but that’s pretty much it.

I need to think about my response. I’m at my haven now and do not get here very often. I did not mention that my wife is buried only 40 minutes away, and that seems to draw me here. I visited her burial site today and wept somewhat vigorously for part of the journey there. This is unusual…I am now typically calm when I go there.

In any event – more tomorrow.

Peace to you and yours.

Omyk

Dear Anita –

Thank you. Yes, my child has communicated emotional withdrawal. I sense my own role shifting gradually and clearly, into someone who provides space as they manage more and more of their own affairs. There were complications before their mother’s death, and the impact it had on my relationship with them was inevitable (in terms of an impact).

One of the issues that has come into play for me is place. My current city of residence is based on employment, but I have no anchor here outside of my religious community. My late spouse and I had chosen and slowly renovated a retirement home in a small, but lovely community in our native region (we were both from the same general area). We spent a few summers there before the pandemic and I have owned the property since 2016. It was very hard to visit the place at first and I put it up for sale twice. There were no buyers on the first round, and I took it off the market after a few hours on the second round. It has become a haven for me – I visit it as often as I can. I have been strategizing ways to make the place my home base once my child begins their university studies – not easy because jobs in my primary field are scarce.

If I could make a choice on the basis of location, it would be this homey haven on the water, even though it’s by no means splashy or posh.

What are your thoughts on the significance of place? A friend of mine says that it would be better to have a small salary and live in the place that feels like home to you than to make more money and live in a community that doesn’t feel like home. One advantage to making the retirement home my main hub is that my brother lives nearby, and he is really the only person I feel close to besides my child. (Sad as that may sound, but i suspect true for many people).

With gratitude for you –

Omyk

Dear Anita –

I am deeply humbled by your response. Your response is filled with wisdom.

You mentioned emotional intensity twice. I think this is spot-on. I am clearly in a liminal space. It is a strange experience and I find it exhausting. I want to leave it and enter a new stage, but feel like I don’t know how to get out. And the exhaustion seems to be caused by my inability to learn how to move from one phase to the next.

It may be hard for me to accept that there aren’t many people who want to engage with someone as intense as me. That was really intuitive. I will reflect on that for a while.

The parenting issue is a constant struggle. I can only say I feel, which may or may not be true. But I feel as if my child rejects me more often than not. I have read a lot about parenting and have learned that it is a struggle for most. I am trying to learn how to refrain from asking too much from my child. The frequent expressions of indifference and outright rejection hurt. Counselors tell me to buck up and grow thick skin. Haven’t learned how to do that yet, either.

I don’t have answers and I don’t expect anyone else to, either.

But I am grateful for your thoughtful and empathetic comments. Thank you.

Omyk

Hi Alessa –

Thank you. You asked about a “fear of being alone” and a “fear of missing out on being with a partner?” The honest answer to both questions is yes. (Denial is not helpful :)). My child will be on their way out to college in two years, so I feel a change coming. I became quite introspective over the last few weeks. I remember that I cannot control the events of the past, but I do have some say on the present – I really am the only governor of my life. I have struggled to find a space, or maybe a way of life that feels right. I hope it is just a matter of time and trial and error.

About the 25 years….losing multiple people to sudden unexpected death reminds me that I have no idea if I have 25 years. 🙂 I feel an internal clock clicking, and that seems to be the source of my sense of missing out.

Thanks again for reaching out and engaging me on this topic.

Omyk

I just wanted to say thanks for sending me this. I wept when I read it. Thank you, from my heart.