Hi John,

I’ll add a bit to Kat’s advice.

When you think you did a mistake, you can always correct it, by spending some effort. If you made your girlfriend suffer, what would be a better solution than actually making her happier than what you would normally do? Erase the pain with good feelings. Kat’s idea about the letter is good, that will show to your girlfriend that you are very sorry and that she can trust that you will not do that again. Maybe, if you and your girlfriend think that it is not enough, you may also ask her how you can make up for what you did. Spend some effort on an errand for her, help her with a part of her job, let her relief and gratefulness be the remedy to her sorrow and let the discomfort you’ll feel be the proof to both her and you that you will not do that again.

If you think you committed a sin, repent and propose to yourself to never do that again and spend some effort to do something good, to show you actually repented.

One more thing. If she tells you that things are ok, that she forgave you and she trusts you again, please believe her. Don’t blame yourself, she accepted you the way you are, with that mistake and all other defects. Just be ready to show her you are worthy of her trust, by not falling in the same mistake again. “Erring is humane, persevering is malefic”.

Hi Dream 1992,

Everybody feels intimidated by the greatness of a night sky. We feel like a tiny stone when we compare ourselves to such an huge landscape. But are we worth any less? The stars shine their way, we shine our way. And if you look a bit more, you can see the sky, like it was almost embracing you with a tender hug, and it says “welcome, you are a part of me, I would not be this without you”. Look at the night sky and breathe the air, it is yours and belongs to you.

Your boyfriend chose you to make your world together, you are an essential part of it, with everything you can give or cannot give. You are better than every girlfriend he ever had, because he chose you to be at his side now. After knowing them, he chose you among them. And if he is that great guy you say he is, unless you lied or hid something to him, isn’t it an honour to be chosen by him among many? Please, feel proud. If his friends and family respect him, their will also respect his choice and understand why he chose you.

It is fair for you to be with him, because he decided so. He has a valid reason to stay with you, even if you cannot see it. You’ve got some qualities, you are not aware of. The question is, did you decide to stay with him? Or would you like to be with someone who is not that great, so that some other qualities of yours (those you are aware of) can actually be more useful? So that people can acknowledge the qualities you’d like to be praised for? Can you guess what he likes about you, can you accept it?

No, it is not wrong to take your time to sort your thoughts out. However, I believe you shall let him know your concerns and how much time you are going to think away from him. My friendly advice is to try to understand things with him at your side. Like Janice said, talk with him, try to relax and not push yourself to try to be what you are not comfortable being, and please understand you are worthy: he chose you.

• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Vhanon.

Hi Tyler,

No, your thoughts are not sick at all. Every parts of you need time to follow the main decision you rationality took. I understand you miss her more than ever. However, I do not think that stopping your thoughts will work. You have to change them and morph them into a less painful reality. It is true she is not there in your moment of need, but it is also true that her presence won’t solve the problem, it would just ease the pain. Aren’t there other things you may do to ease the pain? You may go to the gym and work out (that makes your energy flowing and mood improve). Didn’t you have a hobby at all before? I suppose it may not feel as pleasant as before, nonetheless, why don’t you give it a try? Can’t you try to help your sister with the plans to welcome the newborn?

When you think about your ex-girlfriend, maybe it may help to think she is still with you somehow. That past you lived together is yours, it is a gem encased in your heart. Maybe if you concentrate enough, you can still see her smiling next to you, encouraging you to face the life’s challenges and also wishing you a happy future and a new successful relationship. She is there, she may be a ghost, but you may kiss her if you want. But please keep in mind that is the ghost of the past, and is different from the person in the present. Maybe, slowly you will realize it is better a true person than a ghost and you will slowly let her go completely. Please, try to imagine your future, your career and your new relationship and try to talk to the ghost about your plans. Tell her about your present problems and show her how you would be strong to overcome these challenges. For now the ghost will be proud of you, but one day a true person will.

I’m sad to hear that your father has been diagnosed with Parkinson. I suppose you’ll become the head of the family. Why don’t you spend as much time as possible with your father, listening to his memories, his life path and maybe those secret about managing a family he never told you before? I understand it may be stressful in this time, but by helping your family I’m sure you’ll make the ghost proud of you and you’ll be more ready for your next girlfriend and future wife.

Hi Tyler,

Quote
“God, why is this so hard ?!”
You answered your question yourself. You let the thoughts of her penetrate every part of your life. You really wanted that it would last forever. You started thinking about her even before meeting her. That was written in your DNA. It was rooted in the memory of your parents who seemed to care so much one for the other or in the memory of other stable couples you saw since you were a kid. You wanted something like that and you did your best to make it true by following the example others set. When she appeared in your life she fit into that place: the only one you should ever care for. Now that place has her picture and her name printed on it. You’ve been always thinking about that empty part of you, and you will keep thinking about it, that’s only natural to read her name and think about her. You also hoped she would have a similar place in her heart and you could fit that place. Of course you fear someone else may take it. You clearly understand you did not fit into her heart and she did not feel comfortable into yours, but it is hard to remove those pictures and names nonetheless. Your mind cannot let that place go unnamed, now. Let the sand of time blur away those images, if you really cannot force yourself to replace them just yet. I think (maybe erroneously) that in order to dismantle something, one needs as many days as he took to built it in the first place.

I completely understand it would have been a lot happier if you both could go through life together and that your dream became true. Isn’t there a chance you missed something along the way? When you started crafting that place for her in your mind, you were seeing mature couples who had already chosen themselves for life. Did you ever stop to think how they chose themselves? Did you ever ask them about their experience? Consider that those were different times where men and women had less to learn and could soon make plans and move to adulthood quite sooner. In a sense it was easier to find like-minded people, because, due to the short time one had and the examples other people set, it was rare to remain boyfriend-girlfriend too long and people would soon get married. Now people know there is much more to learn about one’s partner, that there is much more to learn about the world, that there are so many goals one may try to reach and, hence, that maturity (knowing what one wants) may arrive at later age. So, when one starts a relationship, they think it is a sort of experiment or, if they do not have a clear idea about it, someone teaches them to think it as an experiment. Since you know what you want, you are more mature than others, so either you look for someone as mature as you are (and she may be hard to find) or you accept the experiment and you enjoy the relationship as long as it lasts. Please, consider you past relationship as an experiment that led you to find out you were not compatible. I know it was not an experiment for you, but you never considered it may be one. Can’t you think at all it was actually one?

Quote
“God, why is this so hard ?!”
I have a feeling that if God existed and wanted to reply he would say something of like this: “I made it so difficult on purpose, to make the bound between man and woman so strong, that in their union they will respect and love each other and will celebrate my will and the sanctity of life. That is why I always say you should marry first, so that when your mind and your future plans are all set, you can let your feelings unite you more deeply forever and none will have to deal with a missing link later. Only than your union will become a holy experience of life, the memories of it will keep your bound strong, you will celebrate my will and become a paragon of love, loyalty and life”. If you could go back in time, would you follow such an advice and wait who knows how much for a girl as mature as you or would rather experiment?

Well, I know this all look so logical and cold. I just hope you can find a bright side in your experience so that the empty hole she left won’t look so black and empty.

Hi Tyler,

“But there is this feeling that keeps coming back “the longer i wait, farther away she gets”. Sorry, does anything make sense?”
Yes it makes perfectly sense, you fear that the feelings she still have for you may fade. However, that’s exactly the direction she said she wanted to follow. That is what you have to respect, the fact that she is free to move away or get closer. Anyway, even if you were still together, she could start moving farther away (in a sense that is what happened in your relationship). So these are things you should think about when you are actually in a relationship, not when you are out of it. However, you should not worry about that: you either respect your partner for her capacity to make choice independent of your own and are proud she chose you or you do not like that and you should find someone who is better suited for you and follows your decisions. Anyway, when a person starts to move away, you should question whether you want to follow her or it is better to part. It is not a good thing to stay in the same place if you are not both happy, it is not good only one of you is happy, don’t you think?

“Well, it is i guess….. but if i am missing her like this, despite all the good things in my life…..so could she?”
Yes of course she is missing you as much as you are missing her. But she decided to move on, because she realizes that your personalities do not fit very well together. You said you changed, but you are giving signs that you did not change like your first question I answered up above. Really, it is just natural to suspect your change is temporary and due only to the feelings of the moment. That’s why it is may be good thing to move and think about what you really want in life and maybe make changes to all the aspects of you life. Change requires time, you do not have to change your actions only but also your thoughts. If you do something just to keep her close it is not going to work, you should do something because you believe it is right. Why do you think your change is a good thing?

“I should give up, right? When things are done, they are done, correct? There is never another chance when a relationship trully breaks, right?”
You should give up the old relationship. The rules, the habits, the ways you talked to each other did not work. However, there is always the chance for a new relationship. She said she did not feel comfortable with you the way you were. Once your change is complete, she may notice it and be back. Then you will start a new relationship, with new rules, new habits and new ways.

“What i don’t think is possible, is for someone, despite being happy, to forget all the feeling and love for the guy they loved, the most special guy of their lives. Or does that happen too?”
She did not forget you. She is just seeing the past under a different light. Now she knows you better. She recall her feelings as they were, but she wonders whether it was OK for her to feel them in the first place. After all something she thought good and pleasant lead her to unpleasant fight. She may like to experience those feelings again, but she is scared of the consequences. So she tries the best she can to keep everything under control. Change within and maybe you will show her that she can trust you again. But, do you really want to change or is it better to find someone you don’t risk to hurt inadvertently?

Hi Tyler,

Quote
“Maybe she is absolutly certain about her decision, partially because of my behavior? Because i act happy all the time, and treat her like a acquaintance?”
What did you talk about when you decided to break up? Everything she thinks is what you said to her the last time. Why don’t you write her a letter with some sincere thoughts? Like “I still love you, I changed and I’m proud of that and I hope one day you can see the change and give me a new chance”.

Quote
“I have no one to talk to here. I guess that deep down, i hope for someone to say “that’s a sign that she still wants you back, go after her!””
As I told you above, those are signs she is undecided and you “can go after her”. It is just that it may take a huge amount of time before she decides and maybe she would like to know somebody else in the meanwhile. Moreover, as long as you do not set your mind and keep meeting her, you are actually going after her, even if you say to yourself you are not.

Quote
“Should i try to think about her flaws to help me get over her? Is it a good advice?”
I don’t think this will work, you loved her and accepted those flaws already. If you want a better advice, think about the qualities of another girl. Do not look at her picture on facebook, look at somebody else picture. Don’t talk to her, talk with somebody else. Why don’t you tell us how do you imagine your future girlfriend?

Oh Tyler,

I’m sorry I could not be of any better help. If she says she does not know what she wants, that’s a sign of indecision and she wants to deal with it alone for the time being. I don’t think that what you had is completely lost, you were in love, you had good time, you respect each other and deep down you still care. No matter what, when she will make up her mind, she will still consider you more than anybody else. You are the first one she will think about. She may take time to notice the change, however you have to change everywhere in your life not just in front of her. Of course I’ll advice strongly to hold on such a hope, she may decide she does not want you in the end, and if you die waiting she may actually notice a bad change. So, yes, it is a loss but not a complete loss. Would have your past been better without her? You said you changed, aren’t you happy about your growth? Moreover, remember you are still in her heart somehow, and that will be forever.

Yes, it is a loss, but not a complete loss. Please, imagine applying what you learned at your workplace and in your family. Imagine she is secretly watching over you, and she congratulates when you act according to your change, wouldn’t you feel proud? Move forward, you never know who you will meet along the way, that person may be her once again. Isn’t there somebody else in your life you can talk to about your current problem? Someone who may stay close to you as a friend? Maybe a priest, a counselor, a teacher?

Nevertheless I’m sorry for your loss and I understand things cannot be back as once they were. However, if you think a little, you’ll realize that many things change and are not as once they were, we just do not notice it or give any weight to it. I understand you are giving a heavy weight on your relationship right now, however that is the trick to go out of it, to shrink the space and time you dedicate to that thought and fill yourself with something else like friends and hobbies. That’s also why I was suggestion to not see her at all, so that you had less chances to think about her and to renew the feelings you still have for her. Of course time is a great help as well. I know everything seems easier said than done now.

However, feel free to talk about your feelings to anybody you think trustworthy. Tell your boss or co-workers that you do not feel that well these days due to a loss. Feel free to write what you think on this forum, try to be as open as possible. Say everything. Once you have written the post, read it again and decide whether you really want to post it or not. Sometimes just expressing your feelings to somebody or in print actually helps relieving the stress you have in your mind.

One more thing, who does say you should not desire her? You still need time to come out of that after all. Your thoughts are your thoughts and do not hurt anybody but yourself. Just keep them in check and do not act on them, unless everything is fair and fine. I mean feel free to daydream about flying, just do not try to jump from a cliff. Also try to shrink the time you dedicate to them, and try to think about something else. What about an holiday with some good friends?

Hi Tyler,

I’m wondering why there was a break up in the first place. If you provide some insights about the reasons you both had or the facts that lead you to it, maybe that will help us understand the situation a little better. For the time being I’ll make guesses and assumptions.

I have the impression you’ve became quite stressed before the break-up, due to the many other problems that happened in your life. Maybe you fought with your girlfriend because you hoped she would understand your situation and may be be less demanding or more helpful. Then the break-up occurred when she could not take it any more. She decided that she was better without you, or maybe that it was better to take the risk of suffering for the time being in the hope to find something better later. Maybe she even thought that she was good for you as well to stop relying on her. If she is giving you mixed signs, it means that somehow she left the door open for you. She is waiting for you to take back you life, be happy and less stressed and become once more a pleasant company to be with. However, I do not want to make your hopes hight, are those really mixed signs? Can you describe them? You may confuse yourself in the hope things are not over. There is also the possibility that she is genuinely appreciating you as a friend and actually see you are better somehow without her. Maybe she is just telling to herself that you are better without her so she won’t feel guilty. Maybe she is provoking you to see what your reaction is.

Anyway, do you really want back a girl that left you in your moment of need and broke your bound? Things are not going to be the same even if she is back. Do you really want a girl that stays with you only when things go all right? Do you really want to go back to her demanding request and everything else you had to do to make her happy? Do you want really to go back to unheard plea for help? She decided she can’t change: what she needs is what she needs, what she cannot do is what she cannot do. Are you ready to change for her so that things will work? Maybe she is hoping you will change. Thought notice that you said “But of course i WANTED her in my life.”, you used the past.
Maybe right now you don’t need her any more, but you need the care and support you hoped you had. Isn’t there any friend or family you can count on? I also understand that the care and love a girlfriend can show is not the same as the care and love a friend or family can show. Nevertheless, please, trust you can find that again into somebody else, who may also be a better fit for you (less demanding, more supporting): keep you eyes and heart open. If you really believe she was one and unique, well you know there is some work to do to win her back, she showed you she cannot give you more than that, so it’s up to you, will you develop enough strength and energies to make her feel better? Will you wait for the moment she actually realizes she may feel better with you indeed? Will you live your life alone, doing as much as possible, care for yourself and be happier just to win her back one day? Or is it maybe better to take life as it comes, improve and be happy for yourself, and maybe keep the doors open for someone else who may be a better fit for you right now or earlier?