Hi Guys,

This was my post like 3 years back . I was thinking of posting again in the forum seeking wisdom.

Some recap on myself in this three years.

In this three years I have couple of dear friends who have time to hear to me and like wise I give my best to them. Regarding my husband I finally understood that he has trouble expressing feeling or emotions, no matter what cannot express the love and feelings like I do and finally I agreed to it . having introduced to autism behaviors by my younger son, I understand the differences in people better then before. I learnt managing the behaviors is the key. I have emotional distress very occasionally  managing both my sons and my husband.

feelings of once I had that being ditched by my friend or my close family relations (Not my husband) is still there when I think about them, My question is you know someone did something mean or doing something mean, They might be once very best friends but how to train the mind to let go of the discomfort or pain which still expects that you need to be there first choice and you need to have the relation as bubbly as before ?

Now  I really have no time for most of the brooding I did before but that hurt feeling is never off ? Did someone tried something to get it off ? How did you train you mind

Hi Guys,

This was my post like 3 years back . I was thinking of posting again in the forum seeking solace or wisdom.

Some recap on myself in this three years.

In this three years I have couple of dear friends who have time to hear to me and like wise I give my best to them. Regarding my husband I finally understood that he has trouble expressing feeling or emotions, no matter what cannot express the love and feelings like I do and finally I agreed to it . having introduced to autism behaviors by my younger son, I understand the differences in people better then before. I learnt managing the behaviors is the key. I have emotional distress very occasionally  managing both my sons and my husband.

But the feelings of once I had that being ditched by my friend or my close family relations (Not my husband) is still there when I think about them, My question is you know someone did something mean or doing something mean. They might be once very best friends but how to train the mind to let go of the discomfort or pain which still expects you need to be there first choice and you need to relation as bubbly as before ?

Now  I really have no time for most of the brooding I did before but that hurt feeling is never off ? Did someone tried something to get it off ? How did you train you mind

Hi Anita,

yes it’s my friend at work who puts me into this when I see her. Now we share same cube as in our new location. She gets back to me when ever she needs help. When she is done she slips off. I never say no , nor show my pain since it is work….this makes me feel even worse.  other people I am talking about  is close family who fought among themselves  with whom I grew up and tell me things cannot be normal and just build the grave with stones of hatred and vengeance but show the beautiful serene lovely faces out. Why am I not like everyone just carefree? How to be like that? I suffer in wards ? I lack the friend ? My close friends are busy with families moreover I don’t feel connected? Even if I tell someone I might sound silly stupid. Nor to my husband it makes sense. I try to fix things obviously which are not under my control.try to help. I fail. I lack confidence to make new friends. My job can be at stake or no growth if I don’t socialize, I feel I am ver artificial

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by chil.

Thanks Peter for your voice, I quite want my feeling to pass but at times they leave me overwhelmed.

As you brought out about connecting with yourself, I truly do not understand what it means  , How it is, Please share some knowledge and good references.

I will go through “The Five Longings”

Once again I see great depth in your words and thoughts.. Thanks for your help

Regards

Chil

Hi Anita

“Can you elaborate on what you told her, what did you tell her?”

she told me I was self centered as I was only thinking of my pain and not considering her state. I knew she has troubles in her life I understood that initially, I offered her help and tried talking about her problem, Clearly this time she was different and said it was very personal, I  did not disturb for long,  I thought she will eventually come out or heal but I would check once in while if she was ok. I was also working from home as I had very bad nausea and not much help in the country and I had troubles in pregnancy.

This is the sequence(Sorry for mentioning every single detail, which might be very elaborate but since I am not able to find the problem and pattern in my behavior , I want to be very specific.)  I noticed she was avoiding me, not taking my calls and tried keeping conversation very professional. I found that multiple times. she would say she was busy but she used to talk to other team members, On one instance she had some doubt about subject – matter and when i was explaining and had  more questions,  she kind of got annoyed very much and shouted at me for asking questions.  couple of times, Initially i thought she  has troubles in her life,  I was giving her time and did not disturb her for quite bit of time and it went of months may be three or four  But later when I saw she was getting along with others and only avoiding me, I did ask her for reason, infact i kept conversation simple not emotional , since  I felt now definitely there was something to work upon,  once she told that I had time to spend with my other friend  ” I had to meet her because she was going through a lot and she was my childhood friend” I was not even sure why she felt that way, She came to know about me going out from my husband as he called her spouse to know about  them in general since I was worried about them.  Once during this time she told me that she doesnt understand why she got so attached to me and feeling bad that i am avoiding her, I was really puzzled and tried explaining her and attempts I made, later she called me up and told  me that  it was communication gap and does not know why we ended up without speaking to each other,

Again she did the same thing for next  few months, Again i asked her and this time she rejected to talk to me, She said she will get disturbed  and that weekend when  I sent her mail  about how much i value her and her being like this causing pain to me,, she said I was self centered thinking about only myself.

Later I wished her good luck and stop bothering her or either asking her about her well being. Its been almost 10 months.

But at present, when ever I see her I get disturbed to such an extent because

Why have I been inviting such things to happen with me, am I self centered or I am a bad friend.

I dont want to be always be in good books of my friends but I want atleast my best friends understand me and giving me a parting reason.

How to cope up this situation?  stop inviting this experiences, am I being very stupid and not able to judge.

other two incidents in my life was my other friend and cousin sister who stopped talking to me for there family situations , there parents did not want to talk with me since we had family disputes. My parents wouldn’t insist me because they know I would nt  do that until I am convinced my self,

Please help if you see a pattern

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by chil.

hi Vhanon,

Best thing abt my love was i always accepted for what i was, i felt respect and diginity, Problem we faced was our social religious difference which mattered a lot to his family, he couldnt convience and his resposbility of getting elder sibiling settled down in life became his top priority, at this point of time we mutually agreed to move on… he saw no future of our relation, as he was not sure when his sister will get settled. he was 7 years elder to me …he was on right age to get married so was i, i was 26 by then…. best thing i liked abt him was i was pampered , i was special, i was beautiful in his eyes……… I never reposnded to any advances from anyone other than him…many approached me but i was only happy and receprocated to my first love…. all of sudden this changed after we broke… . my beauty started fading, i always looked dull, tired, not younger anymore.. no one complemented me anymore…….. This point of time i wanted my love back and soon started looking out for some one to bridge this gap , went ahead with marriage proposals in my community…. i met my present husband we spoke for an hour.. we is more qualified then me, he and his family was well settled…. i thought he meets my expectations as he seems to be ethical, genuine person so i said yes. later when we met i ignored his wired behavior, he would get angry for small things …. which did not raise my flags as i was in hurry to get settled. finally we got married…..
day to day things changed between us,, he is been demanding, he wants exceptional performance in everything…. so does his parents….. lot of interference from his parents ……… right from what to eat, to how to get settled……. i was always confornted for not meeting demands………I was terned not good cook, time incensitive, lazy.. careless…….irresponsible….i started chanllenging myself to be best to get all of these and be loved by the family….started working hard……meeting most of these yet i was not accepted. i was different entity while his family and himself formed a different entity. his priorities of having best in life continued….. he works very hard to get them……… slowly i started revolting back and wanted to yell and say to everybody that i was capable… this turned to be fight always….. he stops speaking to me when we fight, he does not communicate his agreement to any of my decisions or discussions….. my reptitive actions have become nagging…… while all this was going on at my will I gave birth to my son….all this become more after my sons birth……. I took my career more seriously this point of time to keep up with my finacial independence…. he depends on me to meet our financial goals for future, we have been quite successful…… i have good job then his …..we keep being pratical for buiding our future and i lack the love and care….
My ex is still good friend of mine…. met him couple of times and felt the warmth again… we both are clear that we have moved so far that we cannot meet again… he is getting married in next 3 months….. this is hurting me still…….

I feel i am in wrong place…..this stress to keep up with present family is growing….
I want to tell them i am capable …… i am respectable………..i having feelings.
This is all about my past n persent…….

• This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by chil.

Hi Crystal,
Thanks for the reply, yes i surely want the break I want to be geniune.
I hope I sync in some of the wisdom of your words and folks here to get to a peaceful state ….

Thank you
Chil