Hi Anita,

I need some help to understand why…i am always left on my own. No one is begging to be in my life, no one in fact cares at all. All of my exes left and just stayed away..not any communication. at. all. My sister has had contact with all her exes, which are fewer than mine and one who begged to come back..she said no.

I get a lot of people saying im so pretty, im so lucky, im so fortunate. But i dont have children to keep my spirits up as a single woman…there is a lot to be said for that! my parents dont seem to want a connection apart from “show” for family and friends. My friends have been fickle all my life..always more for themselves, and gone when a man is in the picture.

I just dont feel anything in the human connection anymore. I can totally see why some women just give up at my age and decide its not for them..pretend im into flowerpressing or something charity…until im too out of touch to care.

No one is going out of their way to help when life has been cruel to me. I noticed today, the girl whose wedding i went to with my ex…right after he told me we were through..is now working for him. I had previously suggested meeting up with her for coffee but she ignored it. Now he is with someone else. I guess she had an instinct i was on the way out…arent people cruel? they have no morals of standing up for whats right. I remember feeling rejected, she was new in town, but had clearly thought i wasnt good enough…and i guess her instincts were right.

Hi Anita, ha ha i see what you did there,

well, no i didnt mean that. I guess i was looking at it basically that when you are in the wrong you should apologise and be the first to make good with the other person, presuming that you actually love them. We all know when we have done wrong, dont we? maybe not all of us when we cant stand the thought of having to back down, therefore the ego.

Maybe they dont see that they have to do anything. Maybe they dont care that i am hurting and alone because they are okay and are busy and successful for now with people around them. Maybe they think if they cant see it, it doesnt exist!! I dont know. I am trying to understand their behaviour.

When i told a friend about how cold my mom has been with me she doesnt get it either. Sadly, i think my mom tells my dad to contact me as is the case now…all communication through him is the wrong thing to do..because he has no empathy! and can sound like he is booking an appointment with me. They both dont deal well with honest talk, bringing something up means a huge emotional fight. My mom really only communicates through high emotion. Everything is swept under the carpet.

I am SOOO angry inside! if it is all my fault then i would gladly just own up but i dont see it..i just wish i could have some peace so i can move on. I still hang on to hope about my ex..i know i shouldnt.

Hi Anita,

But i am always the forgiving one! I am tired of being so generous for other people´s mistakes and bad temper…i am used to being the smart one who makes the first move, smoothes the way etc, is the better person….i guess because this last relationship failure has left me in real understand that…i have to look out for myself because no one will. My mother can afford to cut everyone off who offends her..as long as my dad continues to feed her needs. He is facilitating her behaviour as her constant champion But it is total blind denial. My friend has also turned to her old friends rather than reaching out to me. I dont understand why they cant be brave for a change and do what i ALWAYS have to do? Are they really weaker than me? because it looks that way.

It just feels like torture really, that others cant be understanding. I think that if they were in my position, they wouldnt be quite as nasty. The resulting silence is making me hate them.

Thank you PearceHawk and Eliana,

I am getting a lot of support and i am so grateful for this. I understand the point of focus changing outwards..i tend to bury myself in work but lately i just had that panic emotional feeling and found i can´t concentrate on anything except trying to find a safe place for myself. for a long time, i have been angry that i gave “too much” to the other people in my life who have let me down. My main goal was to try and forgive them…even though they wont forgive me.

I recently fell out with a good friend who has been such a great support to me through all this. However, while being great support..she also had a habit of bullying at work on a regular basis, complaining a lot about things being unfair, that i needed to fix it, pointing out my mistakes all the time and demanding help from me etc. I finally just hit my maximum and told her i didnt like it, that it reminded me of the abusive behaviour of my ex (which was true).

She didnt like that at all and has now gone silent on me. She did already apologise but i think she has just gotten angry instead of remorseful. I know she can hold a grudge because she had described quite a number of times she has fallen out with people and funnily enough she is a Libra like my mother who reacted in much the same way.

I totally realise that i can lose my friend, lose my mother. But maybe that had to be. If i am alone then at least i am learning if only the hard way…that in the past my relationships consisted of me accepting everything about the other, including their abusive behaviour as a side dish, but not being accepted back. Its not good enough anymore.

I need a stronger foundation in myself to be able to reach out to others, i need to feel a place in myself that can handle criticism, negativity, anger and jealousy without it destroying me when it shouldnt be that intense of an experience. Maybe like you say i just have to accept that it could take quite a long time.

Dear Eliana,

Thank you for your empathy and story..it always seems a bit easier when there is someone else feeling the same feelings.

Although i seem unable to help myself..i hope that you will find some help from the therapy you are getting. From what you have said, the sensitivity of your feelings means that going on internet dating may be not be the best idea. Im talking from experience. If there would be any way you could pick up an activity that gets you active or social i would recommend that above shopping for faces online…or waiting for them to find you.

Trust me, i have trouble with my own advice. But concentrating on doing something else you like, may start to make connections you never thought of. And build your confidence at the same time. Whatever your passion is.

Its very hard for people to say “why dont you just..” when they are talking from a position of comfort, But i am not there. Its hard.

I hope the therapy helps to understand yourself better.

hugs

Thank you Anita,

You are right about the feelings of powerlessness..it makes me so angry and so helplessly miserable. Its true that i dont believe i can make a meaningful change. Things i have tried to do just have not worked out..i get so depressed, tired, disappointed and angry that the feeling of failure just rises to the surface and stops progress..i dont know how to change that. This is despite the fact that i had a success at work recently..i worked hard for a result and it worked. I just dont feel like i can ever celebrate anything, there is always an overlying problem. My success feels totally void.

I think i was also used to being abused for so long, 4 years, that it became normal to me to hear cruel comments and constant rejection.(also based in my experience with my mother) Now, i cant think of ever being with a guy again..there is just no way i can trust them to be fair or honest with me. I guess i cant trust myself to stand up for myself either. But if they fight dirty with me then i feel justified in doing the same back. I guess that people are always surprised..they expect me to stay meek but if they make me angry, they will feel it.

I never grew up with any confidence..it just doesnt come no matter what i achieve. i think this has caused a lot of my feelings of low self worth to be ingrained, ive learnt watching other people..that they challenge what they are given, i never learnt to challenge or question anything to defend myself. People put me down easily and i hate it. But i have never been clever in speech, i can only write.

I thought i wanted him back. but, i know now i just miss the physical comfort of a companion. Life with him in reality..was one crisis after another, he was angry a lot and needed all my attention, nothing was good enough, even though his friends thought he was lucky to have me..he found fault in everything. towards the end i bore the brunt of his anger..no longer on the pedestal he put me on in the beginning, i think he feared me leaving him a lot, he feared aging. It hurts horribly of course..maybe i am extra proud as a person to not believe it could happen this way..but i begged and pleaded without shame but purely from my feelings. I just didnt want to go back to the terrible isolation i had had before. Now i am here, i have to face it, feeling alone and unwanted is miserable for me. But i hate him and perhaps i had stopped loving him a long time ago but didnt want to leave.

Anita, its escalated in a way i didnt imagine. He has told me that he put a harrassment order on me with the police ( i dont know if its true). I havent received anything but he has sent a message threatening me that he is going to contact my parents and a put a lawsuit against me.

This kind of threatening behaviour has actually happened before..i didnt take it seriously because i just couldnt believe someone who loved me would do it but i am realising now, hes got some mental problems, he doesnt know what to do with emotions and has no empathy at all for the pain of others. I have to stop dreaming because he is getting aggressive.

He once kicked me out of his house when we had an argument while i was cooking, early on in our relationship. i was cutting up vegetables and he was goading me, saying nasty things. I was crying but that made him much worse, it always did. but i think you can guess by now, he likes to be cruel. much more than any boyfriend i ever had.  He told me that i had a knife in my hand and i was threatening him, i never did..he was threatening me with the same issue. He said he would call the police if i didnt leave..Instead he called my parents and they told me later that he said some extremely erratic and abnormal things about me, very strange things. They told him then and there that this wasnt the kind of thing you called the police about, that is was a matter of discussing it between the two of us. He couldnt seem to handle that, he didnt understand.  They took me back to their place. We lived apart after that, i had gotten back with him because by then i loved him so much i guess i thought it was a blip.  My parents recently said they wished i had just moved on from that point. But i loved him too much. It was stupid, i thought there was a way round his behaviour. i see now, the new woman is probably thinking the same thing!

At this point..i dont want to see him again. He says he has used the texts i sent as evidence. I can’t actually believe this is happening..he is frightening. I guess i had hoped he would have some mercy on me..recognise that i was saying those things out of despair..but instead he reacted this way.

My work is based in his area. He moved about half an hour away to be nearer to me..at least thats what he said 6 months ago.  he immediately dumped me as soon as he got here. Im scared now that my only income will be affected by his extreme behaviour. I sent a lot of texts to him…it was wrong i was emotional…. i thought it would be cathartic…i instead received the brunt of his anger.

I had contacted his son previously to say goodbye, his son is adult and replied just fine, i was in touch with his father in law too..he didnt ignore me either. But then i went to see his gf at his house. He is using this as evidence of harrassment. I only wanted to know the truth, and i finally got if from her.. he cheated on us both. He definitely lied. she seemed to want to stay despite the fact but i think this truth must have angered him more than i realised. He wanted control over us both. He didnt like that i had gone on my own and found out the truth. Im guessing this is typical narcissist behaviour.

I am lucky to have friends to help me, and they know the police. I am definitely not going to contact him, or go near him. but it is very upsetting that he has taken this stance when i live and work here, he can live and work anywhere he wants because  he has money. I am the one struggling to survive. I feel he wants to destroy me?

Hi Anita,

Thank you as i dont think i would have been able to get through this without your help.

I dont think of being with him as the only way, its just the way i really wanted to go. I say that past tense now because i know he doesnt want me back. I think he feels guilt about it..but i guess he stopped loving me, i think i said before..theres some anger he has about me, i dont know why he cant just work that out. I have really gone to town on trying to communicate, i guess i really look like a loser. And hes not interested..he wants to stick his head in the sand. But he meant so so much to me. He was my home.

I wonder if this means im weak in the mind..not being able to let go, always failing in relationships..there ALWAYS is some girl who then sashays in all fun and fresh, without fail. That is definitely going to create a deep fear for me.. Im afraid of meeting someone new who will do the same thing again when i really love them. Its not fair to hear couples who fell in love..and then the guy pursued and pursued until she would marry him..WOW! that has never happened to me! Im 40 and people say im good looking. Maybe that has something to do with it, guys often say im too good for them..so therefore there is no one for me.

But in a strange way, i feel i am stronger in myself than before, that something will come from this, something creative..i have to survive but the best way for me to do that is alone, it always has been the best way for me to get stronger..to go through the fire alone. Still, i know my life could really be so much easier. How i wish that things were different! but this is what i am dealt.