Kevin thank you so much, you’re reply is beautifully written from a whole, spiritual standpoint and I truly appreciate that perspective. I like what you said about just “being”  and not “being something” that was very comforting and soothed me. I am constantly trying to be this or that and it is completely exhausting. That is why I appreciated your view of “Is it ME who is telling me I need to improve, or is it my ego, socretal conventions and standards, marketing images etc. which are making me feel that way” sometimes it is hard to differentiate, but I am definitely going to practice this type of thinking to redirect my painful emotions, and will return to this conversation.

I’m not sure if I phrased the above conversations right the last few days my brain has been a bit foggy.

I will not ever let my boyfriend completely take care of everything, I just meant as we have been talking about it. I’ve expressed my concerns about not being able to pull a lot of weight do to my work hours, and he expressed that it’s okay if I just pay for the groceries and the bills like gas, internet, etc.

Yeah that sounds about right now. Thank for this Anita.

They specifically don’t make me uncomfortable, my mom and I have a good relationship. And I’d say my step dad too. He just doesn’t talk much, but I don’t either. Our interactions are always easy and comfortable, we don’t expect a close relationship from each other. He’s very helpful with my schooling and expenses.

I don’t know if I’m wanting to move out soon, but within the next year possibly. My boyfriend really wants to move out with each other, he talks about it a lot. I get scared just because I’ve never moved out with someone before or even on my own. Plus most of my income goes towards school, car insurance, those type of expenses. I don’t work very much during the semester so I worry if I can pull my weight. My boyfriend has always said he will take care of everything though if I can’t with some things.

I can’t think of a specific conversation. She has a comment for almost everything someone says.

What I can tell you is that I do suffer when I am in the shadows, I was feeling really good about everything yesterday. But now the icky thoughts are coming back this morning. That I am not who they (him, his family, etc.) want me to be. This may be true, this may just be my mind. It’s a really sad thing to think about, I felt like me and my boyfriend had such a good start, and I really liked his family and they really liked me. But after this trip, I don’t feel apart of the family anymore and I don’t feel like I am the right girl for my boyfriend.

Hey, I couldn’t use internet the whole time I was out there. I decided I’d write back and update on everything. It wasn’t a good vacation. I mean there was a few good moments but I am never doing that again. I need land and internet, and just being grounded.

Anyway, the whole family (I feel) likes the brothers girlfriend more than me. For some reason there is something I find ingenuine about her, she’s constantly feeding off the attention of others and is kind of like a chamelion if that makes sense. I am honest and real, I’m not going to kiss anyones ass for approval or fake something that is so obviously forced.

I didn’t have any of my resources so I wasn’t behaving or acting my best that is for sure. My boyfriend thinks everyone loves and me and everything is okay I wasn’t acting weird. But I felt discomfort and not belonging the entire trip. It makes me sad because I look back and I feel guilty for not being able to be in the moment and be more grateful when I was out there but when I am far away from home for too long I get grumpy and uncomfortable it’s just how I am, I am also quite the introvert and need time for myself completely alone. I don’t know why I thought this would be different. It really made me consider whether this is the family I want to marry into.

At some points I felt a connection but most of the time the other girlfriend really just had their attention and energy. I kind of just felt like a shadow.

This trip has inspiried me to live my life unapologetically. I am the way I am and I do not need to change for approval or attention. As soon as we got back my boyfriend and I went on a hike, and I’ve been back to my yoga routine. I’m thinking about going to counseling because I hate not feeling enough and I felt that way the whole trip it was the heaviest feelings I have ever felt. Anyway, I wanted to get that all out. Despite everything that happened, I feel inspired and ready to embrace the way I am and take my life back.

What I mean by powerful women, I mean a women who is inspiring, full of strength and just wakes up and decides its going to be a good day, takes oppurtinities, isn’t afraid to speak for herself and talk to others, gets through everything with the grace of knowing herself and knowing her capabilities, someone who shows other women to take care of theirselves, and lifts other women up instead of being judgemental or tearing the other down. These are just some qualities that I have been wanting to integrate, reading fiction books about these type of women make it easier to demonstrate in my life in a way.