Also, Anita. My anxiety is coming back, do you have any book recomendations of powerful women, fiction or non fiction? I think that would greatly help during this trip.

Thank you for your replies and input Anita. I really appreciate it, this is something I felt like I couldnt go to anyone in my close circle so it’s nice that you are here for me and many others.

Yeah I did share that with him exactly what you just said. I shared that when I was younger a family member had touched me reoccuring on and off until I was about 11-12 (I cant remember) And after I told him all of this he asked if I like it because I let it go on for so long. So yeah that really hurt and is troubling to me too.

The abuser was not much older than me I’d say about 4-6 years older, I cant remember our age difference.

Thank you very much for your response and sorry if I am short because I’m at work. But he is a goal setter and he is ready for commitment he is an amazing person. I don’t think I’m putting pressure on him financially, he really likes to go out and do stuff and I almost always offer for us to stay home and make dinner to save money, but he’s the type that likes to go out and do fun things. I think he is just stressed about finances because he feels the need to be everything for me and I don’t feel that way at all. I like going on walks and doing things that dont cost any money. (Maybe I should relay this one more time.) But I do think I am putting too much pressure on him in general expecting him to say the right things all the time and never upset me, so I will work on that.

The trauma I shared with him was an adult child sexually abusing me when I was young the age difference is 4 and 6 years with both the people that did that to me. It started when I was 4 or 5 I can’t remember I was so young, my parents were still together so I was very young. The people who did this are in my family.

Yeah I’ve explained “it” to him after we both cooled down from the night before. He is extremely apologetic and ready to to do what it takes to resolve it. He has been talking about marriage and our future a lot lately, and I told him I want someone that respects and love me despite my past trauma and who will look at it with compassion and not judgement.  He is deeply sorry about his reaction and has sworn to protect and love me.

Peter thank you so much for your input as well as your quotes. I need to save those thank you! That’s exactly what I needed today.

Anita, yes you are remembering very correctly. I appreciate you for remembering me! My mom and step dad are a very good and stable support system. I consider my mom one of my best friends.

So some of my goals are a good diet, regular (daily exercise), doing better at work (I work in sales) doing yoga religiously again, waking up early and going to bed early, regular practice of faith as lately I have been quite scattered with my faith, meeting more people, getting better grades, expressing myself through talents like writing, drawing, painting and riding horses again as I haven’t been doing those either! Spending time listening to more new music as that is therapeutic for me. There is much more I feel but these are the only ones I can think of right now.

These goals have come about because I feel like the last few months I haven’t been as productive as I normally am. I’m kind of sick of just wasting away staying up all night and wanting to sleep all the time. This is not the way I want to live my life. I want to kind of rejuvenate and start fresh this year, meeting new people that I can trust and call my friends, spending more time with family and just little things like that that I have neglected the last few years. I’ve been watching a lot of Teal Swan videos on youtube and there was a video called “Playing it Forward” where you do an exercise playing your life forward 5, 10, 15 20 years etc. forward exactly how you are living your life now. Not only did this shock me but it reminded me I’m still young and it’s not too late to kind of rewrite my destiny and do what I want to do. Today, I have ate healthy and actually went for a run this morning. I think I can do this 🙂 But I still want input!