Ongoing trust issues

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This topic has 8 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 10 months ago by Jemma.

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January 28, 2019 at 3:47 pm #277449

Jemma
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Hi all,

I’m looking for honest advice and tips in dealing with trust issues.

I have always has trust issues (I think) and each new relationship start out being quite trusting. But it normally doesnt take much for me to begin doubting someone and slowly my behaviour changes as I become more suspicious.

I have dated very trustworthy people and very untrustworthy people but it doesnt seem to matter. I know this is a belief I have deep down and I really want to be able to trust my partners. I am so over it.

I have anxiety (not socially, but just about being unloved/not good enough etc) but sometimes I will be on top of my game and confident and trust issues still creep in. I get so angry at myself for this, its exhausting. My partner is mostly understanding and supportive but even he gets sick of it at times (which I understand).

I see a psychologist intermittently, but havent really delved into trust per se.

I’m starting to feel like I wont ever get better or over whatever it is I need to get over (not sure why I have trust issues in the first place) and I should just be alone, which is somewhat depressing.

Any thoughts/advice?

January 28, 2019 at 5:01 pm #277475

Mark
Participant

Jemma,

I have a woman friend who has trust issues as well. I think it stems from her father kidnapping her and her sisters away from their mother. She’s seeing a therapist but I’m not sure if they are addressing that particular issue in their sessions since I don’t ask and she does not offer to share. She has not been able to have a long term romantic relationship and I think it is because of her fears in trusting another. She also has issues with her mother (she really does not have any female friends).

You say you won’t get better or over this issue. I would think you won’t unless you focus on that to resolve within yourself. Therapy is a good avenue to go to do so. You said you have seen someone intermittently. If you are serious about helping yourself in this area then go do that consistently and regularly.

Mark

January 28, 2019 at 5:26 pm #277477

Kamal
Participant

Dear Jemma,

At the onset, the acknowledgement in itself is a huge step. Having said that this is nature taking its course, don’t beat yourself over it. As the inherent Buddha in all of us reflects, divert your energy on what can this teach me, what can I learn from it rather than on why am I like this? We all have something about us that we would want to change, in your case the idea that you are unable to fully trust people, even the ones you love.

Take a deep breath, calm down and see within. The people are never wrong. NEVER. Even when they have caused you real pain & suffering, it is all coming from a place of deep pain & suffering that they have been through. This is not easy to relate to, so tell yourself to breathe, close your eyes and contemplate. Next, meditate on the thought , ‘I trust all beings of mother nature & if they so happen to betray my trust I forgive them, choosing to see & acknowledge the Buddha within all of them, the essential good within them.’ Say this to yourself every-time doubts creep in and always be aware of what the Buddha taught, i.e. Suffering & pain are inevitable, what we need to develop is to be observe them with our Buddha minds, without reacting and finally extend the trust you have in yourself outwards to all beings, and like you yourself would have or will break that trust/promise to yourself because that is being human, others could to, this does not make them, infact it makes them human, it puts them in the same boat as all of us.

Remember this, you are happy, you are peaceful, you are liberated. You are the Buddha.

Cheers!

January 28, 2019 at 7:46 pm #277483
GL
Participant
Dear Jemma,

Where does your shame come from?

You acknowledge that you have trust issues, but you don’t allow yourself to have insecurities. It seems that every time any insecurities about your relationship crop up, you shame yourself. You get angry and question your integrity/sincerity towards your partner. But does your partner expect you to be this magical unicorn that does not have a care in the world? Because across the keyboard, it seem like you’re very human. That, or you’re a relationship programed AI. But assuming that you are human, then you’ll find it useful to look at your very human insecurities and why you feel ashamed for feeling insecure. Certainly, insecurities isn’t rainbow and sunshine, but for any one human to have insecurities is human nature. It’s not right or wrong, it is simply how humans are wired. It’s just many people have found ways to live their life even with their insecurities.

Of course, while many people desire to erase their complex, it won’t go away just because you don’t want to see it. The more you try to push it away, the more it’ll try to gain your attention in a more grotesque way. The insecurity is a part of you after all, so who would like it when a part of who you are as a person is rejected? You’re only human.

So rather than ask how to ‘fix’ your insecurity, first ask why it’s shameful for you to have insecurities.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by GL.
January 28, 2019 at 8:16 pm #277489

Jemma
Participant

Thanks all, I really appreciate all your points.

I am committed to delving into my trust issues, however I have no idea why I specifically ave them over any other regular person.

The shame point is a really good one, I’ve worked so hard in the last year to talk openly about “feeling insecure” with my partner, but have only just realised that along with it is an intense shame that I am insecure at all. You’re right, GL – it is being human, and I acknowledge that. But I worry that how often I feel insecure or like I cannot trust my partner is more than just normal human insecurity.

I am generally a confident person (outwardly) so I suspect I may have an idea of how I think I should be which I know internally I am not living up to. Maybe thats why I feel so much shame whenever I feel like I can’t trust or feel insecure.

January 29, 2019 at 8:20 am #277585

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jemma:

I will quote from what you wrote in this thread and from your comment to a member on another thread. You wrote: “I have dated very trustworthy people and very untrustworthy people but it doesn’t seem to matter”, you mistrusted all of them, sooner or later.

“I have a mother that .. instilled some bad habits into me, as she tends to criticize a lot”.

I am guessing your mother betrayed your trust when you were a child, and you felt very angry at her for doing so. Your valid distrust of her projects itself, or gets triggered in the context of your relationships with men (“I feel my blood rising (drunk or not- mostly drunk) .. I am triggered”).

Am I understanding correctly?

anita

January 29, 2019 at 10:00 am #277597

Valora
Participant

Hi Jemma,

I have trust issues, too, even when the person I’m dating has given me no reason to not trust him, and I’ve took a lot of time over the last year to get to the bottom of them. So maybe my experience will help you, too. I had a boyfriend when I was younger that cheated on me quite a lot, and I kept going back to him anyway. Over the years, I’d assumed my trust issues came from that experience, but when I dug deeper, I realized that it probably wasn’t that because he was someone you would expect to cheat… his dad was a cheater, his friends all cheated on their girlfriends, etc., so what he did wasn’t really a surprise and I stayed because I was young and stupid. haha. I found out that my trust issues actually stem from the instances where people you would never, ever think would cheat end up cheating. My mom, a good, Christian woman with a strict moral compass, cheated on my dad. My sister, same moral compass, cheated on her husband. I’ve had friends who I never thought would cheat that did. I think these are the things that hurt trust the most because you feel like you can just never tell and no how many times someone might assure you that they won’t, they still could.

So… what I’ve learned is that there is no magical formula to be able to trust. There is ALWAYS going to be a risk there because we are all humans, but if you find someone who is loyal, have faith in them and know that they’re worth that risk. The only thing that has kept my faith in loyalty is knowing how I am, which is loyal to practically a fault. There are people out there who deserve our trust, and if you have been with your boyfriend for a long time and he’s never really given you any reason not to trust him, then have faith that he will keep doing the right thing…. especially if he doesn’t tend to put himself in situations where he would be tempted.

I’ve also learned intuition can play a part on helping you decide whether you are right not to trust someone or if it’s your trust issues acting up. If you have a thought or feeling like someone is potentially betraying you and feel a fear in the pit of your stomach that gives you anxiety, that likely isn’t intuition, it’s your fear/ego making you mistrust. If you have a thought of betrayal and you still somehow feel calm, like it’s there but it’s something that is supposed to happen, that’s intuition.

January 30, 2019 at 10:05 am #277761

Alexandria
Participant

Hello Jemma,

I too conistently have trust issues, I idenitified with your post when you said “I have dated very trustworthy people and very untrustworthy people but it doesnt seem to matter. I know this is a belief I have deep down and I really want to be able to trust my partners. I am so over it.” I just want you to know I struggle too and I think it stems from most of my friendships throughout my whole life. I’ve had my best friend cheat on her significant other, I’ve had friends when I was a child in elementary school tell me I am dumb when I opened up to them, my dad left my mom for a “better woman”. There is a few things I think that have effectef my trust. But what I’ve found what helps me is if your boyfriend is consistent, unwavering in his support of you going to therapy. That’s really brave and trustworthy of you! (To go to therapy) Anyway I think you know if you can trust him or not 🙂 Trust yourself! If there is things you need to discuss and solve with him, do so! Don’t let this feeling ruin a good thing.

Also I suggest reading the book Amber Rae is wrote called Choose Wonder over Worry, she also had a podcast the other day I listened too that really helped me and inspire me. If I can find it I will link it 🙂 if not look at her instagram! She is so helpful and a light for me.

Much love and light to you darling!

January 30, 2019 at 9:21 pm #277827

Jemma
Participant

Thank you all so much for the advice. I am taking a bit of me time and will begin working through my past to try and understand where they come from soon. You all seem like lovely people, so thank you for taking the time to respond.

Thanks,

Jemma
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