Dear lola:

Happy New  Year to you too!

You need something that he can’t  give you, even if he tries very hard. It  is not in his power, and  so,  if he cares  about you,  he must be frustrated knowing he wants you to feel  okay but there  is nothing  he can do. Maybe  he feels helpless, not good  enough because he can’t  give you that something that  you need.

This something  that  you need is something only a parent can give a child, that everything-is-okay feeling, that complete safety feeling, being  protected and cared  for by an all-powerful parent.

Only the parent is not all powerful, but the young  child doesn’t  know it, she looks up to her parent as  all powerful. It is natural, all young children do.

And  now, you look up to this young man as all  powerful, as  if he was. He  is not. I think it is the  child in you still looking  for that complete safety, that no-worry, no problems state of mind  and  life.

Do you agree?

anita

Dear lola:

I hope you can decide to not “tell him all this” anymore. You can write about it here  instead. That way he will not “feel even worse”.

When your mother had a car accident  and you felt nothing it is because you got so used to not being loved by her that you gave up, but the longing for her love didn’t disappear, it went under and re-emerged when you met  this man (“No feeling for anything, it all came  back when I met him”).

If and when you get a chance, you can attend psychotherapy where the feelings you repressed regarding your mother will be brought up to  your awareness and processed. This way, the desperation you feel now will get re-attached to the original experience, that of your childhood, and then it will get  weaker a and weaker. By this re-attachment, the desperation will be removed from him. That way he can be free from it and you will be free from it as well.

Feel free to post here all the things you think and feel that make  him feel bad. I can handle it and will be glad to respond to you further.

anita

Dear lola:

You are hurting hm. Love doesn’t do that, hurt the one you supposedly love. Why don’t you stop hurting  him? Maybe you can re-read my last post to you, I don’t know if you paid attention to what I wrote to you.

anita

Hi lola,

I agree: If you love him, stop perpetually going to him with this! It’s almost like you are determined (subconsciously) to self destruct the relationship! I don’t know, if my husband started acting like this, I would distance myself (silent retreats, sorry, babe!).

The truth is, that it’s possible that one day you will break up. He is not your parent. You are not his child. Even if he was your parent, parents let their children down all the time (waving my hand here).

The good news is, after each relationship, we get more and more jaded regarding abandonment and rejection. Which, ironically, frees us to love totally and unconditionally.

Best,

Inky

Lola you are very brave and I honor your courage to go out and study so far away from him and from your comfort zone. I came here to mostly say that I suffer from these things in my romantic relationships as well, and like what was said above it is almost like a self destruct button. While reading this I kind of found an answer that feels right for me and my relationship. Maybe this could help you too.

My boyfriend and I live close to each other probably about 5 minutes away and I think what would be best for me when I start to feel like my need for protection, reassurance, safety, etc. Maybe it would be best for me to go home and talk to my mother, or paint or talk to a close friend, do yoga, do something that within myself will help me feel safe and self assured. I think what Anita said is a beautiful thing, you need something he cannot give you, and it could subconciously lead back from your childhood those types of things need to be healed by yourself. (With a professional too). But we cannot rely on lovers, and friends to heal us for us, does that make sense?

Anyway I hope those thoughts are recieved how I mean them, I felt compelled to share with you. You’re strong, you can get throught this!