Sorry Anita and Pearcehawk I have been offline for awhile I went on a internet cleanse haha 🙂

Pearcehawk you are so kind and sweet thank you so much for your heartfelt message! Also, yes! I’ve hit the glass ceiling of Peter Pan and Caveman Syndrome haha! I will save this and keep this hahahaha. Thank you for making me laugh <3

Anita, yes you have pretty much hit right on about that aspect of our relationship. You do understand that correctly. Thank you for reading so closely most people don’t understand haha.

So to answer your question Anita. It started out pure and innocent I believe, because we were both young(ish) me 18 and him 19, just about 6 months apart. We were full of life and ready to have fun experiences together, we both were very inspired by one another. We would play chess, go on hikes, paint and just be young and in love together. Our friends all started hanging out and it was just nice for all of us to connect and hang out. I felt a very deep connection with him deeper than I’ve ever felt. He was so devoted and committed to me the first year we were dating. So much that despite that he didn’t have a job he was trying to meet my needs and be an all round good boyfriend. He began school and got a certificate but refused to use it, saying “That’s not what he wanted to do for the rest of his life.” Which is fine I understand it kind of takes awhile to find what you want to do. I tried to help him consider his goals and what he wanted but he was always stuck and decided to stay that way.

But I guess it kind of changed when I got hit by reality I started college and a very busy time of my life. I just wanted him to be here for me and work hard with me. So we could eventually get an apartment and you know just the young and in love sort of dream. Which he said he wanted. But it never turned out the way, he would say he would call and didn’t, he would make plans and bail, tell me he would apply for jobs and didn’t, it just never happened and if he did it was for a few weeks and then he would just go right back to staying home all day.  Our relationship just changed as I was changing I suppose. Our friends eventually stopped hanging out together because we all stopped getting along and there just started to be a bunch of drama with all of us. And he would go to a particular friends house and invite me and want me to come. Then not talk to me or hang out with me the whole time and it was just hard to go over there so I stopped. I started to see that, they were going nowhere either and they were a bad influence on him, they are his good friends I don’t want to erase that or not mention that. My intuition was just very strong about them so I think that definitely created a gap between us too. I don’t know if any of this is making sense. Sorry, I’m still trying to answer that question myself of how it all turned around but I truly think it was that we wanted different things and I just didn’t like his friends. Which makes me very sad because I tried my best to get to know these people and had a lot of fun with some of them! But I guess I just couldn’t really respect them? If that makes sense.

I truly miss him and our really good memories. But I know it is not good for us to be together. Not because it was toxic or that we were bad together. I think it really was just our different paths in life, our thoughts on the future and how we each wanted it to play out, and the fact that I just couldn’t be around him and his friends. These all started to create gaps in our connection and I tried desperately to hold on to it. But he just changed into a guy I don’t even know anymore.

Also, the reason for the break up was because he just didn’t feel ready for the commitment I wanted, even though we had been dating for more than a year and a half. He also couldn’t keep a job and knew that I absolutely value jobs/money/progress and what not and I expect to be taken on dates, traveling and camping and all that other stuff not that I expected him to pay for everything but I did want help.  It really started to cause a divide between us because I just couldn’t take it anymore and I’m sure he couldn’t either we weren’t growing anymore. I am also trying to fix this part of myself because my next relationship I want to find a man that I don’t want to “fix” or “change”.

My past relationship was one of my longest but also probably one of my hardest. It was pure and innocent at first and then became something hard and complex. That’s the best way I could describe it because I realize now that we are young and we were putting too much expectation on it. I would say it became unbalanced as well it became like a swing set one person up one person down vice a versa. Despite this I love this man and all he taught me.

Now I realize parts of myself that I never knew before and I have the tools to fully heal now (I believe) from my past. In hindsight now I know why the way I communicate, fight and react is because I grew up in a dysfunctional alcoholic family. Which made things hard because he didn’t so it was hard for him to understand I suppose. But anyway, this person really taught me to show my emotional side, and to open up to love. I’m deeply grateful for him coming into my life when he did! I wouldn’t say I’m completely over him but I know it will get easier one day at a time.

To make a long story short, I’m going to start going to therapy to bring all my dysfunction to light, heal from my past and to heal from this heartbreak so I can have a healthy fulfilling relationship later on down the road

Thank you for listening Anita! This is therapeutic just talking to you about it. Let me know what you think.

Thank you for the advice Anita! What would you do if she won’t accept an apology?