Straight but mistaken as lesbian..

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This topic has 15 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.

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July 24, 2017 at 8:26 pm #159966

Alexandria
Participant

Hi guys!

For some reason I’ve been mistaken for a lesbian lately. I just got out of a two year relationship with a guy. And I’m not really dating or crushing on anyone so maybe that’s why..

For some reason it’s really started to wear on my confidence. Because I don’t know if I hold myself like one or something. Not that I think being lesbian is a bad thing. I have a friend that is. So I completely accept it. But I’m not sure if any of women have gotten this question before. I try to laugh it off but I don’t want to be sending out the wrong impression because I do want to find love again! With a man. I’m not sure what to do? Any suggestions? Advice?

Thank you!

July 25, 2017 at 5:24 am #160008

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Alexandria:

Can you ask the person who thought you were a lesbian why he/she thought so? That person would be the best source of information as to the reason she or he thought so. It may be that something about your face looks like a lesbian woman that person knew, and nothing more. It could be that the person had a random thought, that you are a lesbian, nothing to do with your looks or behavior.

Do you have any reasonable concerns that something about your look or behavior signals to men that you are a lesbian?

anita

July 25, 2017 at 8:13 am #160068
Alexandria
Participant
I don’t think it’s my looks. I’d say I’m pretty feminine like to wear skirts and crop tops and such.

I do think or act more logically than I do emotionally so maybe that is why. Or maybe perhaps that my friend is lesbian and we hang out sometimes. Or maybe it’s because of my break up I haven’t really tried to date yet because I don’t feel ready yet. I still have a lot more healing to do and I don’t want to just jump into a relationship. I don’t want to settle for less than I deserve.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Alexandria.
July 25, 2017 at 8:24 am #160074

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Alexandria:

Not all lesbians are created equal: some look masculine, others look very feminine, or anywhere in between, just like straight women. You being not ready for a relationship has nothing to do with having been mistaken for a lesbian, does it?

Would you like to share more about your past relationship, what did you learn from it and how will you use what you learned in your next relationship, when you are ready?

anita

July 25, 2017 at 9:41 am #160098

Alexandria
Participant

My past relationship was one of my longest but also probably one of my hardest. It was pure and innocent at first and then became something hard and complex. That’s the best way I could describe it because I realize now that we are young and we were putting too much expectation on it. I would say it became unbalanced as well it became like a swing set one person up one person down vice a versa. Despite this I love this man and all he taught me.

Now I realize parts of myself that I never knew before and I have the tools to fully heal now (I believe) from my past. In hindsight now I know why the way I communicate, fight and react is because I grew up in a dysfunctional alcoholic family. Which made things hard because he didn’t so it was hard for him to understand I suppose. But anyway, this person really taught me to show my emotional side, and to open up to love. I’m deeply grateful for him coming into my life when he did! I wouldn’t say I’m completely over him but I know it will get easier one day at a time.

To make a long story short, I’m going to start going to therapy to bring all my dysfunction to light, heal from my past and to heal from this heartbreak so I can have a healthy fulfilling relationship later on down the road

Thank you for listening Anita! This is therapeutic just talking to you about it. Let me know what you think.

July 25, 2017 at 9:47 am #160100

Alexandria
Participant

Oh and just to clarify a little, when I say he taught me to show my emotional side more. I mean it’s hard for me to show my emotional side with friends/family/ and significant others.

July 25, 2017 at 9:57 am #160102

Alexandria
Participant

Also, the reason for the break up was because he just didn’t feel ready for the commitment I wanted, even though we had been dating for more than a year and a half. He also couldn’t keep a job and knew that I absolutely value jobs/money/progress and what not and I expect to be taken on dates, traveling and camping and all that other stuff not that I expected him to pay for everything but I did want help. It really started to cause a divide between us because I just couldn’t take it anymore and I’m sure he couldn’t either we weren’t growing anymore. I am also trying to fix this part of myself because my next relationship I want to find a man that I don’t want to “fix” or “change”.

July 25, 2017 at 3:06 pm #160166

PearceHawk
Participant

Alexandria,

I think that the confusion on the part of others is an expression of their ignorance of the fact that you can be who you want to be, and are. I think that when people do this they are speaking from within narrow margins by which they live their life. Their judgements, their perceptions perhaps are molded by the dictates of morals, values, and social mores handed down to them since birth that when someone else’s lifestyle seem to “violate” their beliefs, we/you tend to get labelled. I am straight. Always have been. I wish I had a g/f too. I also have friends who are gay and lesbian. Sometimes someone will ask me if he or she is gay, referring to my friends. My answer is so what if they are? In your eyes how does that change me?

If someone I meet tells me they are gay or lesbian, I think to myself, I DO NOT CARE, and in a half joking way I will say to them, ” Oooooooo. I’m straight, but don’t tell anyone.” Many times I have been judged by others the same way you are. In fact, there were a few times where some friends of mine quit hanging out with me because they found out a friend of mine was gay.

Alexandria you have a huge heart and an immense soul. Haters will hate. I think that you have so much more balance in your life than those who have the need to judge you.

Pearce

July 27, 2017 at 2:26 pm #160566

Alexandria
Participant

Thank you for your kind words Pearce! It means a lot. I am actually feeling a lot better about it! I’m honestly going to live my life the way I want and not care about what anyone thinks or says. I guess for the most part it just tore me apart to think that some men might view me this way because I want a happy relationship with a man! (After I get over my ex)

But on another note, I think the man I am looking for will be sophisticated enough to understand that I may be a little different and this is who I am and choose to be! I want to stand up for my friends that are gay or lesbian! And I don’t want to stop hanging out with them just because peoples accusations.

July 27, 2017 at 2:46 pm #160574

PearceHawk
Participant

Alexandria,

It is my pleasure to have been offered a chance for you to consider my thoughts. For me, when people judge me in a dark way, people who try to manipulate me in such a way that creates a crack in my personal constitution and make me, rather attempt to make me question myself, my morals and integrity, as strange as it may seem I am eternally indebted to them for reminding me of how not to be-like them. Let those who think adversely about you serve as that reminder, of how not to be. In their doing so it is merely an expression of a weak character that cannot ever be measured against yours. I have told this to VERY few people that I believe to this day, that I will tell you. Do you know why the size of the universe is so incomprehensible? It is because it has to be in order to hold a heart and soul as huge as yours.

Pearce

July 27, 2017 at 4:30 pm #160668
PearceHawk
Participant
Alexandria,

Never compromise your values, your morals and ethics. Especially when it comes to getting romantically involved with someone. Doing so leaves a crack in the door for manipulation. When some women friends of mine come to me with concerns and/or complaints they have about the guy they are involved with, I listen intently. One common denominator they have is their b/f’s or husbands behavior, and as strange as it may seem all have a common theme-gestures of seemingly immature behavior, some worse than others. The bottom line that I tell them, and I will tell you is this; you can expect immature behavior from guys/men from about 16-17 up into their late 20’s early 30’s. This is not to say all men, but I do know it is a common theme with a large number of them. I don’t know if it is a perceived threat to the hunter by the gatherer, the ‘me man – you woman’ syndrome, the ever popular Peter Pan Syndrome or what. My current thought is it is a combination of those and perhaps more. I know that reading that is not exactly exciting reading material, BUT knowing that is a HUGE help in finding someone special to be with. Is it safe for me to say that with regards to relationships you have hit that proverbial glass ceiling? If so I will tell you this too that I share with others. When you think about hitting that proverbial glass ceiling, go outside, perhaps tonight and look at the stars and it is there, what you see, is your glass ceiling.

Pearce
- This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by PearceHawk.
July 28, 2017 at 8:01 am #160736

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Alexandria:

Somehow I missed your second and third post, otherwise I would have replied sooner.

You shared and I understood this about your past relationship of two years: it started as “pure and innocent” and became “hard and complex”, “like a swing set one person up one person down”. You grew up in a dysfunctional family. As a result you shut off your emotions. Your ex boyfriend was more emotionally expressive and encouraged you to express yours.

The problems, for you, in that relationship was that he “couldn’t keep a job” and you value being employed, making money and making more money, making material progress. You wrote that you “expect to be taken on dates, traveling and camping.” Also, you wanted a relationship commitment from him (marriage?) and he wasn’t ready for it. You tried to fix or change him and the relationship, causing him, I suppose, to get employment and keep it, and plan on a solid financial future as your future husband.

Did I understand correctly?

Can you elaborate on what you mean by what you meant by “pure and innocent” and by “hard and complex”?

Also, what happened to change that pure-and-innocent to hard-and-complex?

* I will be checking your thread for a reply and will not miss it while on the computer.

anita

August 11, 2017 at 1:57 pm #163532

Alexandria
Participant

Sorry Anita and Pearcehawk I have been offline for awhile I went on a internet cleanse haha 🙂

Pearcehawk you are so kind and sweet thank you so much for your heartfelt message! Also, yes! I’ve hit the glass ceiling of Peter Pan and Caveman Syndrome haha! I will save this and keep this hahahaha. Thank you for making me laugh <3

Anita, yes you have pretty much hit right on about that aspect of our relationship. You do understand that correctly. Thank you for reading so closely most people don’t understand haha.

So to answer your question Anita. It started out pure and innocent I believe, because we were both young(ish) me 18 and him 19, just about 6 months apart. We were full of life and ready to have fun experiences together, we both were very inspired by one another. We would play chess, go on hikes, paint and just be young and in love together. Our friends all started hanging out and it was just nice for all of us to connect and hang out. I felt a very deep connection with him deeper than I’ve ever felt. He was so devoted and committed to me the first year we were dating. So much that despite that he didn’t have a job he was trying to meet my needs and be an all round good boyfriend. He began school and got a certificate but refused to use it, saying “That’s not what he wanted to do for the rest of his life.” Which is fine I understand it kind of takes awhile to find what you want to do. I tried to help him consider his goals and what he wanted but he was always stuck and decided to stay that way.

But I guess it kind of changed when I got hit by reality I started college and a very busy time of my life. I just wanted him to be here for me and work hard with me. So we could eventually get an apartment and you know just the young and in love sort of dream. Which he said he wanted. But it never turned out the way, he would say he would call and didn’t, he would make plans and bail, tell me he would apply for jobs and didn’t, it just never happened and if he did it was for a few weeks and then he would just go right back to staying home all day. Our relationship just changed as I was changing I suppose. Our friends eventually stopped hanging out together because we all stopped getting along and there just started to be a bunch of drama with all of us. And he would go to a particular friends house and invite me and want me to come. Then not talk to me or hang out with me the whole time and it was just hard to go over there so I stopped. I started to see that, they were going nowhere either and they were a bad influence on him, they are his good friends I don’t want to erase that or not mention that. My intuition was just very strong about them so I think that definitely created a gap between us too. I don’t know if any of this is making sense. Sorry, I’m still trying to answer that question myself of how it all turned around but I truly think it was that we wanted different things and I just didn’t like his friends. Which makes me very sad because I tried my best to get to know these people and had a lot of fun with some of them! But I guess I just couldn’t really respect them? If that makes sense.

I truly miss him and our really good memories. But I know it is not good for us to be together. Not because it was toxic or that we were bad together. I think it really was just our different paths in life, our thoughts on the future and how we each wanted it to play out, and the fact that I just couldn’t be around him and his friends. These all started to create gaps in our connection and I tried desperately to hold on to it. But he just changed into a guy I don’t even know anymore.

August 12, 2017 at 5:57 am #163582

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Alexandria:

You wrote that “he would say he would call and didn’t, he would make plans and bail, tell me he would apply for jobs and didn’t”- you learned this about him, over time, that he didn’t keep his word, didn’t stick to his plans, didn’t do what he said he was going to do. Understandably, as a person who keeps her word, you want a partner who keeps his.

You wrote earlier: “my next relationship I want to find a man that I don’t want to ‘fix’ or ‘change’”-

The man in your next relationship has to be a man who does keep his word, stick to his plans, do what he said he was going to do. I bet this is going to be something you will be paying attention to, make sure of it.

anita

August 14, 2017 at 10:44 am #163922

Alexandria
Participant

Thanks for listening Anita.
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