Dear Anita,

The type of counselor that you described is what mine, except one, lacked. I suppose also that is part of the reason that I was drawn to the forum here. Because both parents were of little use in preparing me for ‘adult life’, I feel that I’ve missed a lot of wisdom and guidance. In my years of therapy, no one provided tools (exercises, recommended reading, etc) to help ME figure out deal with issues. (and I stressed ME because I know that I have to find my own answers that ring true for myself).

To answer your question about awakening, for me there was an undescribable fear (almost panicked) of not having enough time and a profound sadness over years lost. My doctor wrote me out of work for a month and on the day that I returned to work, I was fired because they no longer needed me. Therefore, I made the decision to take a year off from working. I felt that I needed time to adjust and come to grips with myself and my life. In a way, I’m afraid that when I return to the workforce, my life will return to the daily, mindless stresses that leads me to where I was last year. Unlike the people in the movie, I am choosing to feel and explore rather than to shut down. Unfortunately, my progress is as slow as quicksand in the hourglass.

One of my biggest personal struggle has been, and still is, to break the habit of going in the wrong direction (doing things that I do not thoughtfully want to be doing) long enough to start going in the direction that I want (mindfully doing things that will either bring me closer to my goals or bring me peace in the meantime). I find it very difficult to stay in the ‘now’ because I am faced with acknowledging that I am doing and being that which I choose not to do and be. If I were faced with another person, obstacle or situation then I would charge ahead full steam to resolve the problem but when I face my own shadow self, I falter and get lost.

Let me pose a question: Do you think a person who has no self worth or sense of value of existence (due to childhood and past experience) can find on one’s own an internalized sense of worthiness and confidence?

I look forward to your thoughts and questions.

~Shipp