@coconut: to be honest i totally thought that i had changed too. until i got in another relationship where the same insecurities were triggered again. i have to say when i’m not in a relationship i am a pretty confident and easy-going person. no one would ever assume that i’m this crazy irrational girl. if i tell people about it they don’t even believe me. that’s how different i am when i’m with other people. seriously i’m like a whole different person when i’m with other people. it’s so strange.  so i was single for a while and i felt good about myself and everything. i would have never thought that i would still be this irrationally jealous and controlling. i think this is the main reason i want to stay and change.  when you said i would still be unhappy with him even if i changed. i’m not sure about that to be honest. it’s not like he’s not giving me anything at all. it’s just, in his world everything works so much slower, in my twisted world all the small things he does, don’t even show up on my radar to be thankful for. and for him, it was a big step already. and i was the same in my past relationships. it was only after the break-ups, that i started to appreciate it. but at that time i couldn’t see it. so now i’m trying hard  not to be too ignorant and blind to all the small things anymore. but yea even if i decide to break up in a few weeks. at least i tried.

i know what you mean. i panicked too when my bf tried to break up, i talked him out of it too. the pain was too unbearable, all i wanted was to get back together. do you think that your insecurities stem from your childhood too?

@anita: yes i do think that it has something to do with my childhood. i was beat a lot as a child. and it was that kind of family environment where you don’t tell your kids i love you. i’m not saying they didn’t love me. they just didn’t show/say it. maybe they were burnt out too from all the bills/responsibilities. as an adult, after my failed relationships, i did hypnosis therapy to get to the root of my issues. i tried to work on my jealousy. apparently it didn’t help with my jealousy, but it still changed something. it helped with my relationship with my mother. i absolutely forgave everything that had happened. before i did that hypnosis thing i had so much anger in my body. after forgiving her, i feel like i became more calm.

people say that you look for what you’re familiar with (childhood).  my bf doesn’t say i love you and gets mad at me easily. what if it’s the same that had happened to me in my childhood and that’s why i crave it so much? oh guys i have no idea.